Really feel confused/railroaded into a 'diagnosis' - but overall, just 'not right' Please help me to understand whats happening to me

[Ezzy333]

Ill try keep it short. I've always treated depression and anxiety with a certain level of 'just change the way youre thinking and you'll get better. It's your mind, control it.' But Im slipping so far away from being able to take my own advice.

I started a new job about a year ago, and for the first 9 months worked nights. It ruined my sleep pattern, a routine of having solid meals, and sapped my energy levels. It ruined my relationship because my partner (diagnosed with depression and anxiety, with suicidal ideation) began to feel neglected and that i didnt care. Her depression has got worse, and worse, and worse, but she felt and feels she cant really talk to me any more about it. She confided in an ex colleague of mine, and they met up several times. I felt fine with that because my partner needed someone to talk to. Turns out he "fell in love with her" and they kissed. She developed feelings for him and began to question whether she was still in love with me. She left and went to stay at her mums for two weeks. We talked everyday, and i saw her most days. She wasnt stand offish with me. Still showed me affection. Still said I Love You. We talked about all the issues and she came home. Shes been home about 3 months. Things feel (more specifically in the last 3 weeks) like they are returning to the way things were. We are going from strength to strength. But...

I cant stop getting angry and feeling complete and utter rage towards this other guy. To the point ive played through hurting him in my head so many times. To an unhealthy degree. I imagine (at least) hospitalising him. I constantly worry that im not good enough for my partner, that shes pretending things are on the mend. Even after an extended spell of real promise, the minute she doesnt want to hold my hand, or cuddle - i begin to feel inconsolable. Ive felt such despair in the last few months. I keep checking her social media and her phone. I know she hasnt (unless shes deleted it) spoken to him since september. But he has blocked and deleted me so that I cant see his activity. Since, he has started to tag her in things, and comment on her posts - which he wasnt doing before. She had said she wanted him to leave her alone but never deleted him from social media.

I feel more or less constant anger, rage, worry, inadequacy, self doubt, fear. Im struggling to get full nights sleep, my appetite comes and goes. The last few days ive such an intense feeling on my chest, of someone sitting on me. And not being able to take a full breath.

I read something about borderline personality disorder, which sounds like me regardless - but this whole situation is ruining me, I feel. What should I do?

[Ezzy333]

Sorry - the title - people ive confided in suggest going to the doctors and that im depressed etc...so whats happening to me?

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hi there Ezzy333

I think this is all about the relationship you have and not necessarily your mental health. I would suggest you have a chat with your doctor to put your mind at rest.

Chloe

[Ezzy333 in reply to chloe40]

I feel that you're probably right. Other people keep suggesting maybe im depressed but I hate to say I am because people I know (including my partner) suffer far more greatly. It's just - i dont seem to be able to retain a rational grasp of my thoughts with regards to the whole relationship troubles. I just seem to be finding it hard to keep with what is actually happening (things getting better), and seem to find reasons that might mean that things arent fine...i feel like im going to the nth degree to find reasons its not true.. I dont know.. you're probably right!

[Koliadados]

I'm sorry to hear this. It seems you've lost trust in your relationship and that is one of the main factors to having a good relationship. However, with time trust can be brought back. It is sad from both parts because a person with anxiety/depression can easily begin to doubt people's intentions. Your girlfriend from what you mentioned began to feel as if she couldn't speak to you anymore and whether or not she was diagnosed, this is a pretty normal thing in relationships when one partner seems to be too busy with their jobs to be there emotionally for their partner. If she had tried to speak with you and brought it up then yes you are partly to blame for not reacting on time. But we are all human and we need jobs to get us to where we want to be, the path to success ins't meant to be easy after all.. I'm sorry on both sides because you were focusing on your job whilst she was looking for comfort and I think neither one of you are to blame for that part. However, relationships aren't always meant to be rainbows and sunshine. Relationships that last long are those that can overcome obstacles. I think that since you said that you guys are slowly working it out, you should now no that you should always be aware of your partner's feelings no matter how busy you are, whereas she needs to know that she should've confided with you if she was unhappy enough to seek emotional support from someone else. You're anger is completely understandable because is it coming from that fact that your ex-colleague betrayed you, but also from your girlfriend not betraying you with someone, but also someone you knew. It's easier to forgive those that we love and have a deeper connection with than those whom we've known for only a while and trusted. This colleague has clearly hurt your feelings and even ego, but at the end of the day it's just a person that you no longer have to see or look at. if you ever do see this person, for your sake don't do anything that would get you in trouble even if you believe that they deserve a hard punch to the face. You hurting him won't fix anything about you feeling insecure or the lack of trust in you relationship. Always focus on bettering yourself, we can't change others, but we can change ourselves. Maybe you should take a break and truly think about whether or not you can do this. Yes, your girlfriend has given you a reason to question her, but if she is trying to fix things now then so should you. If you don't think you can do it, then don't waste your time or hers. It may hurt, but sometimes you have to make these tough decisions in order to set yourself on the right path(Not saying the right path is without her or with). If you need to let your anger out then vent to someone or show her just how much your hurt by opening up to her. But trying to hurt her back or even the ex-colleague of yours, will do nothing but damage you all the more. You shouldn't have to feel insecure or afraid of being left, which is exactly why I'm saying that focusing on living a happy life should come from within. Don't depend on anyone to do this for you. Stay strong and if you're gonna make this work you'll need to learn to forgive. If not, let it go before you make a mistake you won't be able to take back.

[Natsteveo in reply to Koliadados]

Very wise words and some excellent advice there Koliadados

I hope what koliadados hAs advised you has given you some comfort to your feelings just remember you've come to the right place and you are not alone l think once you get this relationship problem addressed you will feel somewhat relieved it's obviously weighing you down

Take care

Nat

[Ezzy333 in reply to Natsteveo]

I feel like that 50% of the time. When im feeling rational and can contain my feelings...sort of reason with myself. But then 50% of the time im inconsolable. I cant rationalise thought and cant reason with myself over anything. I feel so unbelievably down and despairing. Become devastated over trivial things. It's so frustrating