I feel like I am constantly stuck in time. The same people. the same things, and it's like I can never move on for the best. I struggle a lot with depression and feeling worthless. It's like this subtle feeling that you don't realize is there until you truly study how you act and feel. My childhood is not a happy memory. I carry a lot of the pain from then to this day. I have dealt a lot with child neglect and having my feelings continuously be invalidated. My parents are divorced. It was one of those harsh divorces, where things didn't go smoothly. My father, judging by how he had been, was not ready to have kids, he has always invested a lot in us, but he never validated how we felt. It was always about him. How he wanted us to be. That is why he tried "investing" in us so that we would be the person he envisioned us to be. He had also been the reason behind the divorce. He had been abusive as well as manipulative and would constantly cheat on my mother. One day he treated you like you're his whole world and the next you were the reason behind all his problems. It messes up you having to always be careful about what you say or do from a young age when you're meant to be careless and view your parents as your protectors. But what do you do when the very people meant to protect you are those who hurt you the most? Today, he has another family. For as long as I can remember whenever I tried to get the truth out of him about what had happened, he would dismiss it as a lie and delusion that my mother has created. I wasn't an idiot. I was there when I saw him ruin us, but he always treated me as incapable of understanding things(as if I were blind to the world). I only ever wanted to feel like I mattered. Eventually, I saw him less. He would use this against me whenever I did something bad. I remember he had once said, "I can't have an influence over you when I don't get to see you". What bs. When I used to live with him all he ever wanted to do was exert his power and authority over me and he'd hardly ever see me in the house. He demanded respect yet he never did anything to earn it. Growing up, I realized it's easier to do what they want you to do and be who they want you to be because that way you receive less judgment and save yourself from the pain of being made to look crazy or needy. Looking back at what he'd said to me, I've realized that he looks at his current family as his 2nd chance. My half-siblings are successful already at a young age, each of them is striving in so many activities and my father supports them like no other. He looks at me and he sees a failed investment and it hurts. It hurts because I am still here and because no matter the number of chances I've given him, I'd give him another if he would just change for once. I am not gone or dead or a lost cause and yet he has always made me feel like I've been disappearing bit by bit every year. It has been gradual. It started with throwing my stuff away or storing them in an attic, to fewer phone calls and fewer visits. We haven't talked for months now yet we live 10 minutes from one another. And I can't help but think "Is it truly that easy to give up on me?". How can you live with yourself when your child is in the same place as you and you make no effort to be a part of their life?
Family: I feel like I am constantly... - Above & Beyond - ...
Family
Replying to my own post rather than editing it. I wrote a mouthful, but I needed to let it out. I, unfortunately, can't speak to a therapist so whoever reads this please share what you think. I could do with any kind of support right now and I am 18 years old. Share your experiences and advice. I'll take anything into consideration at this point because I am truly not doing well. There's so much I have to say and I have evaluated what I've been through for years now. I've finally figured it all out(why I am the way I am), but moving on is hard, especially when I have to see the people who have caused me so much pain and have the audaicity to judge the person i have become.
I wrote this at the top when I finally saw my post finished and realized I got carried away. it's gonna be a log read but I think it'll be worth it for ya. wish you luck on your journey.
well we are close in age and know that I do understand what you are going through even to a lesser degree since my parents are not divorced but would be if not for the financial problems that would arise and the impact they believe it would have on me. yes, my parents do care for me alot but they can't express it since in my mind they don't know if they should love me regardless of my current standing in life or based on the fact as you put it if I was worth the investment. so since I like reading long stories with examples I'll give you mine and how I changed things up to feel better now.
so since I was a kid I was a straight A student up until 3rd year of high school when I started asking myself the old existential questions that come in package with the adolescent years. so my parents started arguing with me abouto what the heck I was doing and the current routine I was having but I was stubborn and argued back. but eventually it became so frustrating because they would try to put me down with illogical arguments and and never admitting their errors even sometimes doing the stuff they were arguing with me about that I was doing. And I know this sounds like every other parent but believe me in my house this was and still is on a whole other level. so I bencamel a little uptight and this negatively impacted me since I sought refuge from the madness of the outside world in the world of vdeo games thinking "we'll at least I'm not doing drugs like most of those chumps out there". in reality I was using a different kind of drug while my peers were exploring things about themselves and figuring out the direction they wanted to go. so fast forward a few years years with this behaviour I graduated and my since my parents believed educaction was of utmost importance they wanted me to go to university immediately after HS. but in my soul I felt that continuing my economic education I had from high school is just not right for me so I took a gap year. this year marked my transformation or even transednce compared to my old self.
so right off the bat I tried teaching myself to wake up early for 4 years and couldn't do it. I had no discipline, no interests, I was insecure about my looks, i took a gap year which was not approved of my parents, didn't that much money, not many friends and the friends I had were doing well which made me even more frustrated (I've shared this within a post on the forum here). so eventually I had a breakdown with so many things eating off of my sanity and decided that either I change something or cut my head off since I can't live with myself like this. Like you said starting from point 0 is the hardest thing to do and it's so much pain to get to a point where you're glad youve made SOME progress. not achieved your goalso but just progressed a little. but believe me that it'll be all worth it even when you're halfway down the road. try with your everyday activities.These are the thigs i would suggest highly if you havent concreted in your everyday life
1.try waking up early and filly our morning with stuff you should do at the start of the day. I would recommend dynamic stretching to start off your day or just going out and sunbathing a little and getting to work with the daily tasks
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2. make a list with thigs you should not delay at all and a rational timespan within which to complete them.
this is subjective so here its on you.
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3.Physical activity
since you're feeling down I wouldn't suggest doing mental work since your thoughts are probably your enemy at the moment. so instead exercise. PLEASE do some physical activity. don't think what's the point, why bother, JUST DO IT (hehe). for realing, go for a run, if you have bars or a playground with some equipment go train, do some pull ups and just MOVE. it'll calm your mind, give you a sense of accomplishment and even improve your health. make a routine so you don't have to wonder what to train today on to her spot and follow it.
beat yourself down mentally if you don't. this builds a sense of need to do the current activity.
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4. Get your diet in check.
I cannot stress enough how important it is to feed yourself with food that makes you feel vital and full of energy. some people say erase the thought of junk food and the likes of it. I say let the thought gradually fade from your mind, give yourself time and decrease the junk food you consume progressively. you dont need much money for a good diet.
example of a healthy (in my eyes) diet:
• breakfast > { Greek yogurt with oats and 1 banana }
•lunch > {2 slices of bread, 2-3 poached eggs, a salad, any type of fish(could replace with rice, or some pastry) and a fruit for dessert}
•snack > {70-80 grams of any nuts, peanuts are cheap so you can go for them :v}
•dinner > {a carrot, another salad, another fruit, some good sources of carbohydrates if you're feeling still feeling hungry}
if this seems like a financial burden get a part-time job so you can have time for your studies and pocket money.
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the four things up there are in my eyes the building blocks of what is to come next. since if you master these things and make them a part of your life you would be getting a sense of accomplishment from those things alone. From then on everything is purely subjective. I'll just write the next stuff in a bullet format.
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1. Analyze your situation.
By this i mean to answer the question do you have interests in a given field or have to explore your inner to conduct where you want to orient your energy and resources.
●If you have an interest in something focus all your energy there. If your financial situaction is stopping you get a job.
●If you don't have an interest start exploring and doing new things constantly if they feel right to you. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF. Don't force something out of yourself because only suffering will occur. If something doesn't feel right in the sense of career or education but is safe and there's another option that you just know is the real deal then MAKE THE JUMP. Goddammit you're living for yourself at first for sure since if you aren't happy you'll just make others miserable.
2. I would strongly advise to get a gap year if you haven't graduated from highschoold since it can be overwhelming to do all these things are once but it depends on the previous step a.k.a. your current situation. you may have implemented everything I mentioned above and still feel dreadful.
Well that's all I can think of as of now. Just one last thing which shouldn't have been last but oh well. I'm getting the feeling that you're putting yourself in your father's hands unconsciously by being emotionally dependant on his opinion. I know it be sad looking at other people with loving parents and thinking why did I end up like this or knowing that the person that should care for you so much is just indifferent. But I think you should look at it like this - transform your sorrow into hateful(not literally) motivaton to prove your father wrong. Become ferocious by the thought that he thinks of you as a lesser but chase your own happiness and don't go out of your way ( BE REAL WITH YOURSELF) to win over your father's approvement. Hope this helps. 
Everything you mentioned that you've been through with your parents and the existential crisis is so accurate to what I've been going through. I mean the endless arguments that I've had with my parents over the past 4 years have mostly happened due to my change in attitude and the fact that like you said their illogical arguments only make me want to argue back more or give up all together, which is just as bad.
My dad and I have a complicated relationship because it's one mostly based off of who we are to one another not who we want to be to one another. In other words, our relationship only exists because we are blood-related and you're completely right about me being dependent on him at times. It's because the older I grow the more I understand the emotional trauma he and my mom have caused me and it often leads to the feeling of anger or numbness which holds me back from moving on and forgiving them. It's like going in reverse, when I was being hurt I didn't feel as hurt because I was accustomed to it, but the older I grow the more I understand and the angrier I get instead of learning to forgive.
It all truly hit me full force during my senior year and I just gave up on school and on trying harder to improve myself. I just didn't care and so I almost failed the school year. That's why I'm taking a gap year. Most of my friends are leaving so I won't have the opportunity to use them as a distraction from my own unhappiness and laziness. I would often go out of my way to be there for others and I never really made time for myself because I didn't want to face reality. As you mentioned, I would also use the excuse; "well at least I'm not doing drugs", when I would literary be on my computer 24/7 watching pointless things that would pose as a distraction from what I should've been doing. Since the school year has ended I have been doing much better, but it is a struggle. My dad and I are on good terms, although that's mainly because I accepted the fact that I will never be able to make him see his mistakes and own up to them, so I won't waste my time and energy on someone who doesn't deserve it. I have been trying to focus more on obtaining a healthy diet and am currently trying to sign up for a gym partnership. The hardest part is having to force myself to do it because at times it feels like my mind and body are completely against it, which is understandable.
I can't express how thankful I am to you for taking the time to write this message because I, as well, love reading personal long messages because they motivate me and motivation is something I've been lacking in for quite some time. This is exactly the type of message I've been hoping to receive. Like a small push to get me going in the right direction. Not only can I relate to you, but seeing as you took the time to share your experience and advice it only makes me want to start faster with changing my routine and improving my life. Won't be easy and I'll probably give up at times, but starting small will make giving up a harder task. That is why as I mentioned, I'm currently starting with more of a physical change and organizing my room by throwing stuff out because god knows I'm a hoarder, in order to improve my life little by little.
P.S. I'm replying a month later because I forgot the password to this account, although I was able to at least like the comment on time.
glad to hear that my words helped you even a little. I know it's hard, I myself have lost count of the relapses for bad habbits I've had. have a reminder that makes you go back in time to the moment you felt motivated and started your journey of change. my reminder is a phrase from Fullmetal alchemist: "To obtain, something of equal value must be lost". this quote combined with the whole message of the anime really touches me deeply. so find something, think about something of emotional and spiritual value to you. and just make a habit of remembering it at hard times. and if you need to share some other stuff, I would gladly talk on other platforms.
again best of wishes and good luck on your journey 
Ive dealt with a lot of family and friends crap over the years regarding all my medical stuff I live with daily.I get it.. its exhausting and all we really want is for someone to "really hear us" and care. For me.. I had to either accept these people for who they r and what they can offer me.. OR Ive had to distance myself from them permantely.It sucks when its family or even so called close friends, BUT...its part of life.. learning to live our lives for us.. so we can be as happy as WE possibly can. This forum and others on healthunlocked have given me real true friends and I don't have to worry IF they understand. Sending a hug ur way. Life gets better .. we just have to navigate the potholes!!
Exactly. The hardest part is accepting the fact that some of the people closest to you might not actually be good for you or understand certain situations as much as you believed they would. You can only control how you feel and act at the end of the day and spending your life being miserable for the sake of others and for the sake of keeping that unhealthy regularity in your life, just isn't worth it.
U couldn't have said it any better
I am sorry to hear all that you have gone through. I have been in similar situations and had to go through battles with family. My family and I are not that close. It hurts but it is just the way things are. We don’t communicate much and rarely even see each other. It made me feel down, and bring me to the point to where I became a loner. Still to this day I feel I walk a path alone.
Yet, I learned in ways I never thought I would. I built my esteem up and became stronger within. On your part try to create a system which will only be beneficial for you. For the moment you feel down from dark past memories. You need to build a latter and get yourself out of the deep hole you are in right now.
Believe in who you truly are, find the light inside of you, know you have hope, as to how special of a person you are. Such facts is the ladder being built so you can get out if the darkness. Leave the negative moments behind and bury them as you make progress. The rest of your life is going forward. We should always be out for the better. Find the light and you will find the way. 😊
Thank you for this. It's what I'm currently working on. Being able to move on and grow form my past experiences rather then allow them to hold me back. It's a work in progress but I know that eventually with training my own mind to see things differently and function differently, it will. So long as I stick to my plan and go through with bettering myself
Good that you speak out, are aware of these emotions and are aware they control your sense of being, how much you value yourself and how you feel. Now comes a personal opinion, I'm no therapist. I want to help alter your perspective, which is hard. Your physical reality is easier to change (house, friends, school, work). Distinguish between these two. Now evaluate; You're 18. You're barely an adult. You're slowly coming into who you'll be from 20 to 30. It's okay to feel like you haven't figured it out. It's normal at that uncertain age. Insane not to. Now, your father, how he views you, and this is what you should change, should be completely irrelevant if he is not helping you become a functioning adult anymore. Period. Detach. Place value in people and things that push you forward. You decide what you value, that will decide how you feel. How you feel will affect your life in this vital stage of it. It's too fucking important to let any of this depend on a parent! Or anyone or anything other than yourself! Learn from his mistakes, and move on! I can't stress this enough. De-tach. You will do it, like I did, but the sooner the better. Meditate daily if need be. Become a whole person on your own. This is a break-up story with a man that once loved you. The first of many. Get over him, delete him, make every single day about you and what you want. It's that easy. Don't thank me, you would have figured this out on your own anyway.
I don't know how I am only seeing this message now, but thank you none the less. I've realized in these past few months that I do not love my father, which felt like a burden being lifted off my shoulders when I said it out loud. I love the idea of him being a father and the good memories I've had with him. However, those good memories are only a false perception of my own reality and so I've slowly been letting go of the guilt and hatred that I've felt all these years. It's still there at times. but I don't expect it to disappear so fast. I've been accepting the fact that it'll always be a game with him and that once I no longer need him to support me, things will get easier and our relationship will get better considering the fact that I'll no longer need him. Since I've been detaching as you said, from him, it's far easier to deal with his antics and easier to focus on my goals to better my life. I know things will get better with time.
Well try to lock your bad feelings of the past and throw the key away.
Depression is a disease of past and anxiety is an ill related of future. But remember yesterday is gonne, there is no more past times, and also tomorrow.
There is only now, so call him, say hello and tell him how much you love him whatever he tells you because tomorrow could be late to say good things you need to say which is pretty much better than put your faults on his shoulder pressured by thing of a past that do not exist anymore. Doing that you are giving YOURSELF a second chance because your dad already had his.
There is no tomorrow, stop suffering.
Life is good.
Letting down the family
can some person diagnose this? or their synopsis?
First post
low mood/ low or lack of motivation
I don't want to exist
