Alone in crowded room

[Holly-]

No one knows how lonely I am. I don't feel anyone understands me and I don't enjoy the company of the people around me because I can't relate to them.

I have a well paid job in a management position. Hate the people around me and just have surface or work related conversations with them.

I have tried to reach out to others but it just feels uncomfortable so I want to stop.

I am estranged from my brothers and sisters. My parents died many years ago. Little to no contact from wider family now.

I know if I died my husband and children would be sad but they'd get over it in time. I sometimes wish I had a terminal illness so I could see an end. I don't think I would commit suicide

I feel like a waste of space.

[Natsteveo]

Hello Holly-

My heart goes out to you I'm in the same situation in some way like haven't spoken to siblings since my mum died I don't have anyone either apart from my husband and daughter and newly born granddaughter..

Life is cruel sometimes maybe we are put through these hard times to strengthen ourselves I don't really know...but what I do know is I'm worthy of being happy I mean something to someone like my husband ...I spent many years being depressed and not being able to reach out to someone who understands what I'm going through I often get frustrated because even my close ones don't understand it I could be in a crowded room and still feel like I'm alone it's tough then I went counselling it helped hugely and it also made me realize I had these problems because of my trauma as a child what I went through no child should ever go through and the way I act today is because of that reason ..you will be surprised

How you understand how you feel.

You are not a waste of time at all your someone wife and somebody's mum so that in my book is worth more than anything I know how you feel I really do you will get the better of this you must hang in there and talk to us we are here to support each other in this and remember you are not alone

You can talk to us anytime

Let us know how you get on

Nat

[Holly- in reply to Natsteveo]

Thank you so much for your reply Nat...I feel a bit better today. I forced myself to go out yesterday and spend time with other people. I still felt distant and weepy but I think I behaved 'normally' so hopefully they were convinced.

I know a lot of my issues stem from a turbulent and difficult childhood. We're all damaged from it. I get scared my depression with affect my kids but I do my very best to let them know how much I love them and how proud I am of them.

I've tried counselling but I get to a certain point and then don't feel I am getting anywhere. Also when I have a terrible low patch I need someone to help me get out.

I still wonder what I am doing here. I don't understand why I am not happy. I am on low dose of antidepressant which helps but really don't want to increase this as don't want to deal with side effects.

So Nat...thank you again. Hearing from you has helped to try to pull myself a little way from this dark place I am in. Xx

[Hidden]

Hi Holly,

I just want to say that your experience is so very similar to mine.

[Holly- in reply to Hidden]

Hi Delta, I am sorry you are struggling with depression too. Today I feel like there is somewhere else I might feel happy. But of course I don't know where that place is.

How about you?

Holly

[Hidden]

Hi Holly,

I want to be here with my family, and I want to be happy. Even when Im with my kids, I still feel down sometimes. Sometimes, I become irritable, angry without a good reason.

[TrueNorth]

Hi Holly.

I really appreciate your post. My situtation is very similar, but I wasn't able to put it into words. I was raised Christian, but my faith has expanded. You are *not* a waste of space. I believe that every one of us is living a distinct, important life that is moving our society and planet forward. Your part in our future is precious and irreplaceable. There is good in all of us that the world needs us to share.

I am lonely, but can't seem to connect well with others. I talk, share, pay attention, but I don't feel bonded or connected. I go through the motions, without the reward. It's like eating but never feeling satisfied. I am trying meditation and mindfulness. It brings short relief. I seem unable to bond or nurture my plants, cat, family. I know they miss who I was, but I can't find the feelings I once had. Once upon a time I felt nurtured by faith, enjoyed hobbies and adventure, and wanted attention from family and friends. All of those feelings are hiding away right now, just popping up on occasion. I rarely feel desire for anything, except the desire to feel better and loved.

I hope that you continue to try things, to look for interests that spark a hope inside you. Sometimes I distract myself with stand up comedy videos. It seems to help me think new thoughts. Does that sound like something helpful for you? For meditation and mindfulness materials, I use the library and online resources. Marc Allen is a good author, with an easy, comforting presentation. I recommend his audiobook "The Greatest Secret of All", and Shakti Gawain's "Creative Visualization Meditations". Please try new things, and keep searching - and I will too!

Hugs to you.