Feeling lost and alone

[Lonely-star]

I've not posted on one of these before but I went looking for help and I found this link.

I've been suffering with anxiety and depression for many years, since I was a child I always felt very anxious and worried about everything. Kids made fun of me for being tall and chubby and it made me feel very insecure, lonely and unhappy. When I tried to talk about it with my family jokes were made that I was the chubby one and the ugly duckling of the family. I was ashamed of my body , was insecure and had never felt so lonely.

I've always been quite needy in some ways, when I was young I wouldn't leave my mum's side and I'd strive on others to make me happy. A few years ago I finally gained all the confidence I'd always dreamed of. I met the love of my life and life for the first time was amazing....

Then I found out he'd cheated several times and I stupidly took him back time and time again until he couldn't brake my heart anymore.

I'd made some really good friends and was looking forward to having some good times and starting over.

I met a good looking guy, we started dating and I fell in love again

It took time but I grew to trust him and I was very excited about our future together.

I started to feel exhausted, drained and headaches that made me feel physically sick. I thought I was coming down with a virus or something and it wasn't until my friends wedding I realised I'd also gained weight....yes I was pregnant!

I was completely overwhelmed and filled with joy! My boyfriend was really shocked but happy . We had talked about trying and it happened almost straight away, I was almost 11 weeks.

He told his mum and I'd planned to surprise my mum with our 12wk scan photo.

But then suddenly, my partners mum passed away and we were left heartbroken. I tried so hard to try and stay calm for babies sake. A few days later I started experiencing stomach cramps and spotting so my midwife booked me for earlier scan. That night, home alone I started bleeding heavily and was rushed to hospital. I was losing my baby.

I passed a lot of blood clots and was advise to go for my scan the next day but they said it's most likely that you've lost your baby. There was lots of mums and dads there, my friend was called away so I waited and prayed till my name was called.

There's no heartbeat.

They did my scan and said they struggled to find a 12 week embryo in my womb. Where's my baby?Further tests and scans showed that id had an ectopic pregnancy and I needed to go to another hospital for surgery.

Devastated is an understatement. I just wanted to die. I wanted the pain to go away.

Since losing the baby my anxiety has worsened and I'm feeling very lost and lonely. I've been suffering with depression and I'm really struggling.

I try to keep busy and tell myself and others that I'm fine.. But I can't stop the tears. I have no motivation, I've hidden away from my friends and now nobody stays in touch or contacts me back. My partner won't talk about it and has a short temper so I constantly feel alone and unsupported. I should be celebrating my babies 1st birthday with my little family.

I'm terrified that if I speak to my doctor and tell them how I really feel and what's going on, they will sign me off work and I can't afford that! I just want to be happy again. I love my boyfriend to bits but he doesn't understand. I know I need to talk to my doctor and get help but I'm terrified that my boyfriend won't cope and will leave me. When I try and talk about out baby he goes cold. Just feels like he's moved on and it's like our baby never existed.

I know that I've gained weight, we both have but I'm a comfort eater. I binge when feel sad and troubled. I have no sexual excitement or libidos. I can't even bear to look at myself in the mirror. I just see a blank face staring back at me.

I've tried talking to my friends but I know it's not always positive and they mostly just ignore me. I just feel so lost and lonely just want to end the tears and feel happy again

[helper01]

Honey this is a roller coaster of emotion your on I really feel for you and reading this I had a lump in my throat. People who are not expieriencing the same thing as you can not fully understand and some may find it difficult to empathise this is their issue not yours. However you need to talk about this as much as you can as it will help, can I suggest you call the Samaritans as they are available on the phone anytime. Also talk to your doctor. You are grieving and that is ok. Try and address the issue with councelling and I wish you all the best, you will come through this in time, your partner may also need support ask him how you can do this as it may be different to you.

Xxx

[Lonely-star in reply to helper01]

Thank you so much for your kind words xx I just can't seem to control my anxiety. I try every day to be positive and think about the future but then something happens and it knocks me back again. I've never felt so lonely and alone. I know that's it not me. It's effecting my relationship because I've lost my passion and excitement. My boyfriends constantly accusing me of being with someone else when I'm not. I love him to pieces and I can't help it that I've lost my mojo, I'm just scared we are drifting apart because he won't talk about our loss. I've told him I'm grieving and I know in time my heart will heal but at the moment my heads all over head and I just need love and support, especially on those tearful days. I will speak to my doctor and see what they can offer. Talking to someone would help xx

[loggerslot]

Its a difficult situation. I know someone who gave birth to a dead baby after they found out the baby had no heartbeat but short space of time they'd moved on from it and said if it wasn't meant to be then it wasn't her time to enter this world. i even know someone who had 4 miscarriages, each time they get counselling support and its the counsellor who walks away amazed that they're so strong and not worried or saddened by what has happened. when something like this has happened you can't undo it and when the time is right you will have your dreams fulfilled. my best advice would be not the dwell on this so much as you will undo progress you made up until now.

it sounds like you have an amazing person in your life too and learn to cherish and enjoy that time with him and best to let go of the past. your partner needs your support as well as you do, as he has lost his mother so best to hold his hand. after the dust settles maybe go on a holiday and just enjoy your time together and use that time to let the wound heal.

[helper01]

Everyone handles things differently it may be that the people who just got on with things had actually just swept their emotions under the carpet and did not deal with them. This may come out in the future years from now. It is good to address emotion and deal with issues it is ok to be sad but you need to take the right steps to make sure you don't remain sad councelling will help you do this. Xx

[kenster1 Moderator]

quite a sad story.ive experienced the loss of a 6 year old child and an unborn baby and I struggle everyday.your partner has lossed his mum and baby in such a short space of time hes probably still in shock at it all as well as the grief.his and your worlds have been rocked maybe you should both seek professional help before it gets harder to deal with.if hes blocking it out then in time it will hit in a hard way and it happens anywhere as grief and emotions have no hiding place.love might be a 4 letter word but the meaning is endless along with the support.i hope you both come out it stronger than ever.