I am lost in this world

Hi. Don't know if anyone will find this as am new and not sure what am doing.

Sitting here amongst the mess of my house. I truly mean mess. No energy or motivation.

Everyone else seems to be doing things to enhance the life they have.

I am pleased for them but it makes me feel I do not belong anywhere.

Am 65yr female. Always suffered anxiety n depression.

Seeing "proffesionals" on and off since19.

Good times n bad but now only seriously bad.

Isolated in own house--can't call it home. See no one, hear from no one.

Scared of answering phone or door.

Suppose I have pushed people away.

Am here alone without knowing who I am, and where I am.

Sorry such a long moan.

hesketh x

15 Replies

  • Believe me - have seen a lot longer moans :)

    Do you take any medication.

    You could also try looking at this symptom checklist for B12 deficiency - symptoms of B12 deficiency include depression and anxiety - I suffered for year and they got worse from late 30s onwards ... in 2012 I was told I was B12 deficient ... a year latter I actually managed to find out what that really meant but didn't connect it with the depression until I started treating myself and symptoms started to disappear, and the depression and anxiety went with them ... though I need to use much higher doses than the normal ones to keep problems away - but B12 isn't a vitamin you can overdose on fortunately.


    Other things you could try are contacting Mind to see if they have a local group that you could join - or just joining a local society that has talks - anything that gives you a structure and gets you out of the house.

    One thing to remember about depression is that it switches the link between motivation and action so you generally have to start doing something before you feel like doing it ... which means it is really important to keep doing things.

    Meditation may also help - can recommend 'Mindfulness: a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world' by Mark Williams and Danny Penman - comes with a meditation CD and is based on courses given to help people suffering with depression and anxiety break the thought cycles that they find themselves caught up in.

    Think this reply is longer than your moan :)

  • I have just done a reply and lost it. I do not know how or why.!

    Have spent all day trying to work out how to do it.

    It was quite long-well for me!,

    Will try getting back tomorrow to you. Will attempt all you suggested if poss.

    Meds Lamotragine 200mg am 200mg pm

    Citolapram 20 mg am. Thanks again. h x

  • Sorry you lost the response. Its very easy to do.

    Hope something helps to lift you.

  • Hi Hes, isolation is a common issue with having depression especially if people know what you re going through but choose to sideline you as an easier option. I grown up use to isolation as I never had friends so i was content on my own but now it has affected me as an adult.

    you need to take it step at a time, spread it over a long time and at any stage don't beat yourself down over anything. you say your house is a mess (to be honest who's house isn't a mess :D ) so make that a task.

    over a cause of say a week make a plan that everyday you are going to tackle cleaning up 1 room. for start prepare yourself with things you need to clean. if you haven't got them, make a list and have a trip to go out and buy the items, like polish, cloths, sprays, bleach, vacuum dust bag, black bin liners etc, take your time on this. teach yourself to relax when going out, pay no attention if people look at you, treat yourself on how you'd want to dress and look when out and about, don't be paranoid what people might think, everyone likes to dress a certain way and its a free country so you're not obligated to look a certain way. once you have bought your stuff, start on 1 room. take a look at it and if it helps, make a list in order of things to do, and start until you have completed your check list.

    I know it sounds easy to do but its the reason I've given you a week or 2 because you will need to take time to overcome certain feelings, like anxiety, paranoia maybe anger or being upset, maybe depression might kick in that puts up barriers making you feel lethargic and all this will take time to overcome but don't give up trying. if you feel any bad feelings like above coming up then step aside and take a seat. everytime that particular feeling comes teach yourself slowly to overcome it by slowly trying to ignore it and continue with what you were doing and over time its effect will be minimized until you've taught yourself how to deal with it without it interrupting you.

    set a goal and break it down into smaller aims like above and tackle them 1 by 1 until you've achieved your goal, which is a sparkling clean house. I followed this when I suffered from severe depression and taught myself that it will blow over but kept ploughing on with things to do but developing your determination is key. There have been times I gave up and thought my life wasn't worth it but life is worth it and worth living.

    next task might be if you have a garden, teach yourself to go out and buy seeds and grow flowers, plan what you want to grow and be determined to see it through.

    let us all know how you get on and we are all here to help and advise you.

  • That is a really great post and I might use a few of the tips myself,

    To decluttering .


  • hi im in the same boat as you motivation 0, ENERGY O, just sit on sofa watching TV and before i know it its time to take my meds and go to bed thinking of the things i should have done. easer said than done when you feel like you do I KNOW!!!!!! I feel so useless

  • Oh Oh you aren't alone, we are all here. Please don't worry so, we can talk things out, it may take sometime but every one here gives good advice and we really do care.

    Lets start, are you warm enough, do have good food, have you eaten today. Do have any kind of relationship with your doctor where maybe you could ask for some help.

    Really I do feel for you, but just by asking for help you have opened up to new possibilities, new hope.

    Tell me about the things you love, do you have a hobby of any kind?


  • hello hesketh,, i'm a couple of decades younger, but i'm all too familiar with the chaos in my house being a way of keeping people at a distance...

    After more than ten years of accumulating stuff in my house , and total lack of organization,,,, things had gotten worse, and it's taking the whole of this winter to make the place presentable, I'm not sure how much of a mess your place is, but please don't get frustrated when it takes time to make progress..

  • HI Hesketh. I am 57 and feel exactly like you do. I am lonely but don't want friends. I have no children, a spouse who means well and loves me in his own way but as I said I am 57 and depressed all the time. He is younger than me and still alive so I can't blame him. Like you, it started early I was about 10 when I realized nobody really liked me. The other girls played a mean trick on me and boycotted my birthday party because I wasn't likable. This continued throughout my life. Some people are beautiful and people are drawn to them. They have charisma or something that just makes them likeable and loveable but I feel like I repel people for some reason and of course I kind of got stuck there. I used to have a beautiful home and now it is cluttered, filthy, and I just sit here all day, too depressed to do anything. I am in therapy and on meds. My dr wants to try neurostar tms therapy. I don't know what to do but know that you are not alone. My Doc Did say it could be low thyroid.

  • I am new to this too decided to join to let others know how I have been throughout my life. Suffered depression for years diagnosed soon after I married in 1965 and had periods of being unwell ever since. Had a complete mental breakdown in 1992 and I was admitted into hospital sectioned under the mental health act. Since then have been taking medication visted different doctors and tried all sorts to get better. I was widowed in 2004 after nearly 30 years of marriage which went down hill after my breakdown. I was able to keep a full time job going and bring up two lovely children so you may wonder as I often ask myself "why me". I am happy now living with a new partner but still suffer periods of being unwell I am just recovering from a bad bout which lasted all over Christmas which very nearly bought my partnership to an end. Thank goodness I got help. Feel much better now so hope I can share some of my feelings and thoughts with fellow sufferers. Came upon this forum and decided to write down my feelings should have joined earlier when I was really unwell but hope to help others.

    CookieQ x

  • Same boat. My mother was a hoarder. My father was a neat freak. I inherited both traits and drive myself crazy. I have always taken such pride in my home and now since I retired and finally have the time to do it, all I do is sit here-overwhelmed by it. I love the one room a week idea but it's like a conspiracy. Everyday something happens to make me just throw my hands up in the air and go back to bed. I can't clean until I organize the clutter and I make a bit of progress and my husband comes home and throws garbage all over the floor and I just want to die. We can't discuss it because no matter how hard I try, he just doesn't get it. It becomes a contest of who is the bigger pig. My point is, we are both pigs, help me get over this because once it gets done I can keep up with it. I'm ready to run away from home. I told him if he wakes up one morning and I am gone, it's not him it's the stuff I ran away from so he says " Well tell me before it gets that bad! We will fix it." HELLO- I Am telling you NOW. IT's THAT BAD! The next thing I know, I go outside and the patio, which I thought was "finished" is covered with empty cigarette boxes and the ashtray is overflowing so he just throws his cigarette butts on the ground. He has been doing it all his life and his MOTHER just picked up after him but I see it as extremely disrespectful of my work. Next time he writes a song, I am going to tell him how beautiful it is and then use it as toilet paper and see how he likes it. LOL. My point is it's normal, it IS depression, some of us are more sensitive to the way our surroundings look and cleanliness and I feel your pain. I am old and tired and overwhelmed and depressed so instead of working till it's done like I would have done when I was young, I become paralyzed with depression and hide from it so I don't have to deal. I think it's a combination of age and life.

  • Hi Dear,

    I know this post was made 6 months ago but I really wanted to reply because it struck a chord with me. I feel like this is my future self writing about my life. I am nineteen and I am currently living the same way that you are or were (depending on if you found help since). Life has never been easy for me. I struggle from severe depression and anxiety at times. But mostly the depression is crippling and numbing. I feel out of touch with everything.

    I am truly sorry that you have battled this your whole life. I think that depression is so stigmatized and forgotten in this world. There is so many people who suffer in silence.

    Another conclusion that i Have made is that some depression is not treatable. At times I feel like that is the reality that i am facing. You need to know that you are not alone and that there are so many people who feel the way that you do ( I know I do).

    The thing about depression is that it can make you feel so lonely and it's like nothing can alleviate that. Not even being surrounded by friends. I don't have any of the answers and I don't think any of us ever will.

    But you must know how strong you are for living with this condition for so long. It truly is debilitating.....

    I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this. I fight it everyday. I usually don't leave me house and have pushed everybody away...

  • If you ever wanna talk email me at chelsieshay@gmail.com

  • I wish I could bring you my home and care greatly for you as I don't have a Mom but I live in Sweden :(

  • Wow. Great comments, people! This is very helpful to me and I'm not even the original poster. Just a depressed girl trying to get through life and hating the world the way it is! Thanks for writing Hesketh and thanks for all the follow up comments everyone else.

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