Feeling hopeless

[nettynoonah]

ISuffered with depression on and off for years, worked through most of them, but now unemployed. At first, really enjoyed being at home, looking after my granddaughters from time to time, keeping the house clean and tidy and gardening. I got flu the day before Christmas Eve, so missed out on the celebration and seeing family. Took about three weeks to recover and I am now feeling so low, I can't function. Still on antidepressants and GP has added diazepam, but last week I contacted the IAPT self referral service. went through an assessment, told I could have CBT but it could be a couple of months before I receive an appointment. Finding it hard to do anything. Have pushed family away, don't want them to see me like this. Husband doesn't understand, just tells me to get on with it. Keep looking at the Samaritans number, but feel I would be wasting their time. Everyone says exercise and eat well, both of which I can't force myself to do. Have no friends to confide in or talk with. Confidence is shot.

[Natsteveo]

Hi nettynoonah

Welcome to our community I thought I was reading about myself then as you sound just as I am at the minute to be honest at Christmas my anxiety and depression is through the roof I think when your feeling so low you don't ever want to do anything physical because of the way you feel I can't even eat when im so low then I worry that im losing weight when it's my own fault because I'm not eating!!!

Anti depressants do work but only I think they work when we are Not as low I've been on mine 15 years and im on the maximum dosage (300mg) but at the minute they not working for me at all.

My husband's the same although he tries to help he also gets frustrated with me tells me to 'man up depression and anxiety is no joke im sure if we had a choice we would choose to not be this way it's not very nice..

The Samaritans believe it or not are really good I find them a quick fix as well because in my opinion there isn't enough mental health therapy that you can get straight away we have to wait for months and I think it's wrong because when we panic and feel so very low that's when we need someone to help I always find by the time you go to therapy after a few months your symptoms ease up it's a whirlwind situation isn't it.but you've come to the right place we are all here if you need to talk.

Nat x

[nettynoonah in reply to Natsteveo]

Oh Nat, thank you for replying. We do sound a lot the same at the moment. I thought Samaritans were only for if you felt suicidal and, whilst it has crossed my mind at times, I am not brave enough to do anything about it. I've been on antidepressants for about as long as you, if not longer, and hate myself for being like this. When Diazepam was added, it did help initially, at least with the anxiety, but now I am taking more each day and they are not working as well. I have a GP appointment next week (with a GP I have never met, so am anxious about that as well). I have been sitting here all day, reading on the web, but really should be doing the housework. Husband works and I just feel so guilty when he comes home in the evenings and nothing has been done, the house is a tip, and a ready meal is all I can manage to cook for him. He says I need to get another job to get me out and socialise, but in my head that is the last thing I can contemplate. I can hardly look after myself let alone cope with a job and make small talk. I stay indoors all day, every day. I feel I am unworthy of anything. When it is cold during the day, I sit on the sofa with covers over me rather than put on the heating, and my personal care has deteriorated, just don't feel I am worth the cost of the hot water. Having worked all my life, I am now totally dependent on husband for money and I hate that as well, so in a catch 22 situation. No work = no money, so I feel I can't justify the cost of heating, hot water, etc. as he has to pay all the bills. I order food online as I can't face going out and doing it and I only really buy food for him. I can't feel joy in anything, not a book, tv programme or seeing my little girls, whom I love with all my heart and miss so much. I have been referred for CBT, but have had that before and found it really hard going, so am anxious about that as well. I know as soon as I start therapy, husband will be looking for improvement in me and it isn't going to be that easy. No, we certainly would not be like this if we had the choice. As soon as I wake up in the mornings, I think it's another day to get through and can't wait for it to be night time so I can go back to bed.

If I plucked up the courage, I really don't know what I would say to the Samaritans, I feel so stupid.

Just wish there was a magic want somewhere we could all wave.

Thank you again,

netty x

[Natsteveo in reply to nettynoonah]

nettynoonah aww hun you sound just like I am I feel like the sparkle Has gone out my eye..I think mine started 10 years ago when my lovely mum passed away in my arms of pancreatic cancer she died 7 weeks after diagnosis and I've never been the same since seems so raw still l hate being without her it's hard to cope with this feel so like every pain I get I think I've got what she' died of ridiculous I know but I can' help it I've got the phobià I too haven' got the energy to do anything always so exhausted and now I've just found out I have a cricket ball sized cyst on my ovary so my health anxiety has blown through the roof me thinking the worst now as you can imagine so just gotta wait for my op to remove it when your as bad as us we are don't have the energy to do anything let alone cook a meal

Nat x

[nettynoonah in reply to Natsteveo]

Dear Nat, your story makes me feel so guilty. I am sorry for the loss of your mum and understand why you feel like you do about every pain. I hope your op is soon and I pray you will recover well. I am finding this waiting for some therapy very hard. I want someone to fix me now, but know that isn't going to happen. When relationships are strained, it is hard to talk about your feelings. Husband just can't see why I feel like this and, stupidly, apart from being ill and missing Christmas, I can't understand it either. Not sure if forcing myself to do things like go out for a walk would help me. Feel scared to try in case I have a panic attack and can't get home.

Love to you, Netty x

[TCAS]

Dear I read your whole story , sorry to hear , I am also suffering from depression cause my father and mother both also diagonsis. When I was in my country I was feeling ok by taking prescription medicine by our family doctor is he actually a physiatrist the medication I was on was citaloparam 20 mg and omeprazole 20 mg and Amitriptyline but later on when I came to U.K GP only prescribe me citaloparam 20 mg , but with the above combination I was much better then just only citaloparam 20 mg , I would suggest you to take the above combination by consulting with your GP.

[nettynoonah in reply to TCAS]

Thank you.

[Boddy1]

I completely identify here and felthere the same way when I became unemployed. My self esteem dropped to an all time low. I'don't encourage you to ring the samaritans. I've found them brilliant. They pointed out what I've got going for me and stressed to me that I have the power to change things by getting help and reaching out. I started volunteering to get out of my own head and eventually found a new career direction as a result. I havery recurring depressive episodes through bipolar disorder and understand how debilitating it is. I really hope and trust that this passes for you x

[Boddy1]

Sorry, I meant I do encourage you to ring the samaritans. Predictive text a nightmare!

[nettynoonah in reply to Boddy1]

Thank you.

[nettynoonah]

Well, I am still waiting for a CBT appointment, but in desperation I saw my GP last week who added Pregabalin 150mg twice a day, and told me to reduce the Diazepam by one 2mg tablet a day each week until I am taking none. Finding this hard but am down to 3 tabs a day this week. Anyone have experience of being weaned off Diazepam and replacing it with Pregabalin? Might need to increase dose of this drug but not seeing GP until 21 February. He did promise to chase CBT for me, but no appointment yet.

[GillyB46]

Hi. Did you know that you can text the Samaritans and they will text you back? I had to do that at Christmas time.

Come off your diazepam as slowly as you can.

Best wishes.