Flaw in my character

[Shasi_]

I am failing my senior year and I’m currently reflecting on how the hell I got to this point. I used to be good at school but year after year I lost more and more of my motivation to do well. I don’t really know why but I don't have any aspirations. People ask me all the time “What are your plans for the future/Where do you see yourself in 10 years?” and I never know what to say because I literary don’t see myself anywhere, I don’t know what I’ll do in a year from now, come to think 10 years from now. I haven’t applied to any colleges and frankly, I don't even know what to apply for. I feel so lost and upset, but mostly I feel numb. I feel like I’ve spent so much time distracting myself with others’ problems and giving them advice that I should, in fact, be taking for myself and improving my own life. But it’s like I don’t have the energy to do so. I just can’t believe it got to the point where all my teachers are concerned about what the hell I’ll do. My parents don’t even know what to say to me anymore we only ever argue about me being a failure. My dad, I don’t even see nor talk to. I just don’t understand what is wrong with me, I mean I thought I was lazy but that can't be it. I've always been lazy yet still motivated to do things. Nowadays it’s like I’m only ever motivated when it comes to pretending that I’m fine and happy when in fact I feel so numb. I feel like I've messed up my life. I used to do all sorts of things, extracurriculars, had good grades, had a better relationship with my parents, my friends weren’t disappointed in me. Whereas now, for lack of a better word, I don't do shit. I literary just sleep away my life or watch pointless things that distract me from my responsibilities. I am not motivated or ambitious about anything and it just makes life so pointless to me. I would never kill myself, but I feel like I’m just surviving rather than living my life. I just need advice and someone to rant to at this point. I asked for a therapist a while back, but I wasn't being taken seriously so that’s out of the question and now I feel like I’m losing my mind. I can't come up with lies to cover up my ignorance anymore, and when people see me like this I just feel so terrified and out of character. Just like a failure. I am very self-aware which also upsets me more than anything. Rather than getting up and doing something about all of this, I sit still and relax as if I have all the time in the world and now karma’s kicking my ass for taking things for granted. I feel so lost аt this point and I'm afraid I’ll truly spiral out of control. I know there's a lot of things from my past affecting how I feel, but I've dealt with the same things before and I wasn't doing as bad as I am now. At least I cared before, now I'm just apathetic towards most things. The only thing that terrifies me is people seeing me like this because it feels like they've given up on me as much as I've given up on myself.

[Natsteveo]

Hi shasi_

So sorry you are feeling like this

But before I can continue can you please state your age

Nat

[Shasi_ in reply to Natsteveo]

18

[Tekakwitha]

Shasi, you may not have found your calling in life yet but you have excellent command of language. Your writing is crystal clear. A lot of young people don't have a clue what they want to do in their late teens. That is part of the process of finding out what really matters to them. I have spoken to many university students who flowed from school into a degree course not because they chose it but because parental pressure or some broad assumption carried them in that direction. At university studying Law or History or something else they wonder how they ever chose what they are doing. Some of the most successful people have taken their time finding what they want to do. Perhaps they started an ethical business or found some parallel niche which their talents could fit. When I think about university subjects law is a smart choice, though, as it opens the door to many careers. Meanwhile all the best for your search. Your vocation is out there somewhere!

[pink318]

Hi Shashi,

I’m sorry to hear about your struggles. You are the same age with my son and he is also graduating this coming June. Please don’t lose hope. Talk to your guidance counselor, he/she can help you with your college preparation. There are some universities that are still accepting application. I hope you can still work on it and be able to go to college.

Please stay in the forum and I hope you will be encouraged to help you keep going. I pray that you will feel better soon and stay strong. God bless.

[Hidden]

Sometimes finding out where u belong in life takes time. Some kids know what they want to do after high school some don't. We r not all made the same. I for one, never had parents that spoke about anything, regarding my future or future plans. I just had to figure it out on my own. Don't get down on yourself... because ur not alone and ur here trying to help urself.sending a big hug ur way.