Ever since I was an infant, my family constantly moved. The environments changed, the people changed, hack! Even family members changed!
My family started to settle down in one location, with a set selection of family members when I was 13.
Looking back on it now, that's when my depression started to manifest. At this point I had been moving at least once a year since I was born. I never learned how to make or maintain relationships with friends, family, partners, etc.
When my family's started settling down, I started acting up. I created a whirlwind of chaos to surround me. I was comforted by the surrounding chaos.
And in hinesight I subconsciously created that chaos because I couldn't handle staying still. I couldn't cope with staying in one place. And the chaos worked. My parents didn't want to deal with what I was causing so they sent me all over the place. Living with different relatives spending time in group homes, I even got myself admitted to psychwards regularly because I (subconsciously) enjoyed the constant change and chaos.
When I turned 18 I was permanently kicked out of the house. For the next 18 months I was homeless. I was jumping from couch to couch, to shelter to shelter. And I had this underlying aching, this need to find where I belonged.
A couple months before I turned 20, my Aunt allowed me to move in with her. And for once I felt like I found where I belonged.
I have been here for almost 1.5 years now. I have a family that loves me, clean clothes, food always available, and the best cat ever. I feel safe, i feel loved, I feel trapped.
I've been having these thoughts on and off for months now. As In the thoughts will come and I will suppress them until they become too strong again.
And when those thoughts become too strong, I quit my job, spend a week or so at home then get another job.
The best way i can think to describe it, is that this lifestyle is boring. I have friends, we hang out, go out, and go to different events. I have hobbies, I like art, and anime, and playing ukulele. I feel love for those around me, my cat being the number one recipient.
So it's not a lack of interests, it is not loneliness, it is not a lack of things to do
It's the lack of change of scenery, I think. I want to move around. I want to travel, I want to have adventures, o want to be somewhere new every couple days in places where no one knows my name.
I want a life of inconsistency and instability.
And if I had the means, I would sell all my belongings, get a caravan and travel the country with my cat.
I cannot do that. I do not have the means. My cat doesn't like change and I will never give her up.
I need to find a way to be happy in this lifestyle I am living. I need to know how I can take this boring life that I absolutely despise and turn my mind to love the stability and safety. I have no idea how to do that