How can I be Happy in This Life?

[BagelBoy]

Ever since I was an infant, my family constantly moved. The environments changed, the people changed, hack! Even family members changed!

My family started to settle down in one location, with a set selection of family members when I was 13.

Looking back on it now, that's when my depression started to manifest. At this point I had been moving at least once a year since I was born. I never learned how to make or maintain relationships with friends, family, partners, etc.

When my family's started settling down, I started acting up. I created a whirlwind of chaos to surround me. I was comforted by the surrounding chaos.

And in hinesight I subconsciously created that chaos because I couldn't handle staying still. I couldn't cope with staying in one place. And the chaos worked. My parents didn't want to deal with what I was causing so they sent me all over the place. Living with different relatives spending time in group homes, I even got myself admitted to psychwards regularly because I (subconsciously) enjoyed the constant change and chaos.

When I turned 18 I was permanently kicked out of the house. For the next 18 months I was homeless. I was jumping from couch to couch, to shelter to shelter. And I had this underlying aching, this need to find where I belonged.

A couple months before I turned 20, my Aunt allowed me to move in with her. And for once I felt like I found where I belonged.

I have been here for almost 1.5 years now. I have a family that loves me, clean clothes, food always available, and the best cat ever. I feel safe, i feel loved, I feel trapped.

I've been having these thoughts on and off for months now. As In the thoughts will come and I will suppress them until they become too strong again.

And when those thoughts become too strong, I quit my job, spend a week or so at home then get another job.

The best way i can think to describe it, is that this lifestyle is boring. I have friends, we hang out, go out, and go to different events. I have hobbies, I like art, and anime, and playing ukulele. I feel love for those around me, my cat being the number one recipient.

So it's not a lack of interests, it is not loneliness, it is not a lack of things to do

It's the lack of change of scenery, I think. I want to move around. I want to travel, I want to have adventures, o want to be somewhere new every couple days in places where no one knows my name.

I want a life of inconsistency and instability.

And if I had the means, I would sell all my belongings, get a caravan and travel the country with my cat.

I cannot do that. I do not have the means. My cat doesn't like change and I will never give her up.

I need to find a way to be happy in this lifestyle I am living. I need to know how I can take this boring life that I absolutely despise and turn my mind to love the stability and safety. I have no idea how to do that

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hello there BagelBoy

Welcome to our Community.

You have a clear understanding of why you feel as you do and of the symptoms you are experiencing, all you need now is a way to cope with them.

You like the stability that your present home offers you and I think you'd be wise to think about that before you make any decisions about moving on. Having moved around continuously, in your younger life, it is going to be very difficult to settle, and I think your present need may be something to do with your age too. One idea that springs to mind is if you can find a job that takes you away from home on a regular basis but are able to keep your present base may answer all your problems. I can think of one or two jobs that fit the bill.

Do you think this may be an answer?

Chloe

[BagelBoy in reply to chloe40]

I have no idea what would help at this point, I am willing to try anything I can at this point, so I would be interested in trying traveling jobs

[kenster1 Moderator]

travelling a lot when your younger may be fun but you kinda loss your identity a little I think.when your older its like you want to be settled but you are used to moving around.kinda like a free spirit wanting to do your own thing.could you save for a few months and then go travelling on holiday.that way you get to come back home and live the best of both worlds.yeah keep the cat.

[BagelBoy in reply to kenster1]

When I was younger, I hated the constant moving. And it is what I have grown accustomed to. Even though I hated the constant instability it is what I long for.

I definitely did lose parts of my identity due to all the moving. It is very difficult to maintain any form of relationship because of it. I think starting in 5th grade, after the 3 billionth move, I decided to stop trying to make friends because I was just going to leave again anyways

And I will always keep my cat. She is my best friend

[Endlessnightmare]

I am the exact opposite, I have never really moved out of my parents house. I own it, I paid it off after my father died in 07 and my mother retired due to her battle with breast cancer. my husband hated this lifestyle with my mother constantly in our day to day lives. Now I have to move, newly divorced with two young daughters I have never lived by myself. I already feel so lonely without my husband. I hate to believe that all of these horrible things that have been going on in my life recently are all due to the fact that I hold so tightly to stability, the past, what I know, how I feel that I have created all this chaos to force myself to grow, move on, let go, just be some where different