Women's Health

21,290 members • 2,557 posts

don`t want to become pregnant,but husband wants a child

Hi everyone here!

I am Laura from Italy. Last time reflections about own child are very relevant for me.. All my life I am very carefully with my body and pregnancy frightens me. That`s why in my age I have not had a baby yet. Also I am lawyer and all time a job was more important for me. But nowadays I am in relationships during 4 years and my husband insists he wants child. Definitely I don`t know exactly about myself. Sometime I think that it must be great to have a baby, but I don`t want to become pregnant. I am 36. Perhaps it can be dangerous to become pregnant in my age and I will get difficulties with heаlth?

I have idea to adopt a little girl.It will be perfect for myself. But my husband says that he wants only his own child and I afraid to lose him. He is younger than me by 5 years. I understand his intentions, but in what way I can explain to him my view? I am sure parturition is not for me.

Can you give me some advice how convince him to adopt a child?

40 Replies

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I doubt if you can , also it's not that easy to adopt, you are unlikely to be approved if one partner is not enthusiastic. It takes a long time to go through the vetting process. On the other hand pregnancy and childbirth happen to billions of women every day without problems, over 30 it is harder to get pregnant, not sure if the pregnancy itself would be harder too. I think YOU have to decide if you chose him or not being pregnant and let him make his own decision. Even if you did persuade him to try adoption if any thing went wrong, he'd blame you. I understand you not wanting to have one yourself, I've had two and definitely didn't want to have any more but would have liked more kids around the house.

I doubt adore a child at that moment. I really can not understand will my husband will love a child or not. Usually he shies away from talking about adoration.

However, I was planned to be with a man not only for creating a community cell but also for understanding each other's points of view.

How can I become pregnant if I do not want this at all? It's my body. If he had to endure a child, he might have thought otherwise. By the fact you are so right that if any thing went inward, everything will affect the child. So it should not be.

And do you have two children now? Did you give birth by yourself?

In a parallel post I read information about donor eggs. Girls say that you can put your egg to another woman and she can have a baby for you. It sounds wild and I do not know the details. Maybe it could be the solution.

One more thing....childbirth is not all it's cracked up to be either! Hurts like nothing you've ever endured..even with the drugs..then you bring the sweet baby home and they scream all night...and where is hubby...sleeping soundly in bed most likely.

Honey, it is natural that a man wants to have his own child. Man`s psychology works otherwise, he needs his own and it doesn`t matter what it is.

Women has a maternal instinct and a desire to take care of children. For a man is more difficult to accept someone else's child. Especially if he is healthy and young.

Why are you so against to a pregnancy? During thousands years, women have become pregnant and given birth.

Your age is normal for this. I knew women who have become pregnant after 40

Think what's important for you. Do not you want to raise your own child? It's great to have particle of yourself in this world.

In addition, pregnancy and childbirth is a very important stage for the formation and maturation of the female personality. This is inherent in our nature.You will feel yourself incredibly lively and young.

I do not agree with your point of view. Maybe someday it was right. However, woman is very independent in modern world. Why should she do what her husband wants?

Now everyone can be that person who he wants to be and have any view on things.

There is childfree. And is this not normal?

The desire of your own child is adherence to the animal instinct. But we can be higher.

In addition, I do not think that the desire to adopt a child become from matrix instinct. It can be rational aspiration to make the world kinder and better. Unfortunately, in each country there are many abandoned children.

Giving love to those children is more correct. They have already been in our world and needed love and care.

The desire to have necessarily your own child is selfishness.

And modern men also must understand it.

I have friends who decided not to have children. They're free to go on cruises...they have a lot more $$..kids ain't cheap! They're happy. Maybe you need to find a husband who agrees with you about not wanting children.

Also it looks strange that the formation and maturation of the female personality depends on pregnancy.Where here can be self-realization in general?

I do not know what you are doing in your life. By the way I am engaged in jurisprudence. And I feel myself realized and successful. In the same direction, I plan to improve myself.

Thanks for your reply. Everyone`s opinion is important for me.

On business

I really do not want to become pregnant

Of course your point of view can occur. Especially it's your life and only you can decide how to live it. I have just expressed my position.

By the way, I work as a psychologist and I know what I'm talking about. In my experience, I know that a child unites two people. This is important for a harmonious matrimonial life. On the other hand, a child must be loved of both people.

As you inform above, you are also interested in surrogacy. It seems this procedure requires the physical inability of one of a spouses to have a child..but I'm not sure. Just one year ago my friend had a kid by surrogacy.

I don`t remember she was sick something.

Definitely, she triped overseas for this procedure. It seems it was some European country. I can ask her if we meet these days.

And your husband wouldn't mind a surrogacy? Its also a specific procedure.

Maybe, you are right at something.

Life situations are different. Some people think that it's correct to go one way, but others sure that are normally else.

Yes, at this time, surrogate motherhood interests me most of all. I read there is possible to donor your egg to another woman, fertilize this egg with donor sperm by your husband. It means another woman just endures your child.

It seems woman can do this procedure being physically completely healthy.

If it's not too much trouble, can you ask a friend about clinic she did surrogacy?

Actually, I do not trust a popularity clinics at all.I happened to have a couple of legal action related to unsuccessful operations. The clinic can be advertised but there's no way of knowing it is fine.

Now I find out more information and the other day I will talk with my husband. Perhaps this decision is the golden mean.

By the way, when your friend did it? Did she tell her perception to a child? Does she feel it as her own?

Well...in my opinion children tear a marriage apart. You are not right about this. You don't know what you are talking about, magilyn. This woman does not want a child and she's entitlted to NOT have a child. She'll resent it and they'll both be miserable.

Yes surrogacy might be an option but expensive and I'm not sure if it's available for non-medical reasons.

Is it called a surrogacy? One of these days I heard about this option for the first time.

I do not think it is widely practiced in Italy.

Why medical reasons are necessary for this procedure? It is strange

There are a lot of same-sex couples, which lead children in this way. News often tell about something like this.

Maybe it still depends on a country..

Hello, I've just noticed your post here, it sounds weird you don't want to have children. I always thought that children play an important role in one's life.

of course we are willing to do whatever we want and act the way we like but lets be honest, you are just 36 years old, you will finish your career, become an professional lawyer, what's next? What is your next step? I'm not talking about tomorrow.. no.. who will be with you? Just a husband? don't you think he will leave you due to your negative attitude to pregnancy. I suppose he doesn't have a strong desire to adopt a child and you as a lawyer should now it's not an easy process

p.s. as far as I know you have to have doc's prescriptions for a surrogacy

I'll find out about doc's prescriptions for a surrogacy.

Thanks for the tip.

To your other comments, let you tolerate a different point of view. I'm still looking for advice here, not teachings. I have enough teachings at home. And I write here because I can not talk about my situation with anyone I know.

36 years has already been a significant age. It is normally afraid of complications.

your welcome and sorry if I offended you, I didn't mean to teach you, I've just expressed my points of view. I was always dreaming about kids and I suppose it's the most important in our life. Of course you can choose whatever you want.. we are creators of our lives and no one has a right to have the upper hand.

Frankly, I don't know what to say you cause I'm not a doctor and don't know your life history. But if you are still interested in you can contact clinic I'm with, it's called biotex, hope you'll find your answers there

Now I constantly read about this biotext on all forums. Is it such a good clinic?

I read that it`s situated in Ukraine. But it is like third-world country... In what way there can be modern surrogacy clinic?

They have not yet entered the European Union properly. It seems there was a scuffle a year ago.

That`s why I have a lot of doubts about this clinic. By the way, it has so mane enjoy feedbacks from happy women from all countries..

How come you've even heard of BioTex? Do you have expierence with this clinic?

I don't think this woman has a "negative attitude" at all. I think she realizes who she is and is totally realistic. She knows she doesn't want to bear a child..go through the pregnancy, birth, etc. I don't blame her...

Can't understand your feelings more. I was the same and my job was top of my mind. I never wanted children and it was a reason for lots of argues with my husband. Every time I had delayed periods he was so filled with hope, unlike me. He was terrified by my reluctance and thought he was a reason for this despite all my words. He is amazing but I became on the same page with him only now. Unfortunately, it's to late for me to become a mother naturally and I had to start IVF. In your case adoption is really an option as I understand. But I can understand his feelings as well. He wants his baby, he wants you to be a mother of his child...Haven't you thought about surrogacy? If you can't carry or deliver a baby on your own it would be perfect decision for you I guess.

Oh, thanks. Now I am reflecting about surrogate motherhood most of all.

I enshrine principles about adoption. Saving of family is more important.

However, you say that IVF does not suit me anymore? Is there an age limit?

I have just created a thematic post about surrogacy.

Firstly I want to sort out everything. Then I'll go talk to my husband. And if he still wants to be with me he will not have any reason to be against.

There is a lot of pluses of surrogacy.

Hmm.

Tough luck.

I think that surrogacy can be your salvation.

Think about it and ask for your partner about it.

P.S.: even in case of problems with own eggs you can use 3 parent IVF and child will be 99.9% genetically yours. So he should be happy.

P.P.S.: if he asks something about why you can`t be pregnant by you own answer him: do you really want to lose me and our child\children so much? It should be enough.

Wow! Your reply is wonderful!

Thanks

parent IVF means my own eggs which will donor to surrogacy mom? or something else..?

I also think that my husband should understand that it is important not to S save ourselves. That would be correct. But he's much younger than me. And I honestly do not think that I would like to rediscover for someone

else..

Therefore, surrogacy really can be a salvation.

3 parent IVF means that they use your DNA (everything which is located in your egg) and than transports it to the empty donor egg (yes, they destroys everything inside).

So it will be like donation of healthy donor`s shell (from egg).

If you have no problems with own eggs choose surrogacy with it.

And your child will be 99.9% yours.

Thanks for your answer. It`s very meaningful.

Totally it mean that there are 2 ways: donor my own egg(if it`s healthy) or take an egg from another woman and it will be destroy by my DNA? Is it true?

99.9% is great! It really can be my own child.

Now these thoughts are my main hope. I go to the clinics for tests and most likely go to the clinic for a surrogate.

Ow Hun I'm sending hugs to u, I'm unsure of what advice to give but just think it's ur body and pregnancy can be hard no matter what age u are but also such a miracle I have a girl and was very young when I had her but now she's here I'm so glad, the only one whO can desided if u want to carry a child is u, I hope u can sort this out xx

Thank you very much for your reply. You are the only person who supports me. Here everyone jumped me. But I have just another world view.

Yes, you are right, I always thought that pregnancy is difficult and painful. Thet`s why I did not want to become pregnant. But it also so difficult withstands a pressure at home. My husband and parents do not understand me.

Thanks again for kind words. Hugs to u in an answer

Bless u ur more then welcome, don't forget it's ur body and their will be people who have opinions but the only one that counts is urs, I was two month before my 17 birthday when I had my daughter and it's a beautiful feelin carrying a child the birth is painful but their is painkillers u can take and as mad as it sounds when the baby is placed in ur arms to be honest u forget the pain, good luck in the future and I hope this has explained when it's like a bit better, don't forget the only fear we have is fear it self good luck my friend xx

Do you think that it can be a fear of myself? I have not thought about it before

Congratulations on having wonderful kids. Let they bring only joy

to you

Once again, I thank you for your warmth. Have a good time of day!

It very well could be maybe u are afraid, xx

Maybe, you can be right. Anyway, thanks a lot!

Hallo, Laura!

The other day I met my friend. I found out the information about her surrogacy. She and her husband went to the Ukrainian clinic BioTexCom. It is situated in Kiev, but actually this clinic is a branch of a British company. My friends waited for the child about 1.5 years. Firstly they came there and passed all necessary tests. The results were expected in a month. Then clinic informed a surrogacy mom was selected. Throughout the time of a pregnancy they received X-ray photos of the child. Ultimately,it`s become possible to meet directly with the mother.

The child was born remarkable and healthy. By the way, they used parent IVF. Indeed, the child is genetically like their own.

There was any problem with documents and registration of a child. The girl(she is called Samanta, by the way) is now a year old, my friend love her so much. It is shown in everything. Guess you could say that,Samatha has already been Outwardly like my friend. So in result I think surrogacy is almost the same birth of your child only with the help of another mother.

If you want to know something else I will be pleasure to answer.

Hallo,magilyn! Thanks for your reply!

On every forums, I now read about this clinic. And finally, it looks unreal. It`s impossible to have too many good feedbacks. Also there are few branches on other sites where feedbacks really looks like an advertisement. I admit it's troubling.

Are you actually know woman which did surrogacy there?This BioTex is situated in Ukraine. And I see that they have very attractive services. The most rich cost near 50 000...while price in Europe is upper 70000-90000 euros. It's just luring us,of course.

What do you think about it?

Wait for your answer

I didnt want to reply again, because I truly don't want to sound negative to anyone who has found joy using another woman's eggs. But just for information of anyone in similar situation on the legalities of some countries regarding citizenship and lineage. (of course the way to avoid it is just give birth in Canada if possible).

Hi, veku!

What problems can arise with citizenship and origin? If there is a surrogate motherhood clinic, then it is acceptable. Also, they must know how to register a child.

Clinics in Canada is too expensive.

Hello Ladies! I'd love to join you all too. We did a FET on August 11th. First beta 8dp5dt was 237, Second Beta at 11dp5 was 1,412 and Third beta at 13dp5dt was 3,742. Our first Ultrasound is scheduled for this Friday. RE said to be prepared for multiples since my beta's were so high. Due date is 4/29/17. No symptoms really yet. Cramping about a week ago but that's about it.

And where are you done all this? Also in BioTex?

Hugs to you

hi. if you don't mind can I ask a question. since you saying u don't want baby, is that you guys having sex or not with intercourse for past 4 years? sorry for asking your privacy but it may help my life. thanks.

I have 2 Sons (I'm 70). My younger Son was killed in a fire, because he was drunk and smoking in his bed...my other Son is living in my basement apartment. He has many issues due to his creepy Dad (who commited suicide when my Son was 13). Anyway, if I had it to do over again, I would NOT HAVE CHILDREN! They're not all they're cracked up to be in my humble opinion. I know this sounds harsh, but that's the way I feel. I love both of my Sons dearly, but the worry...the trouble...the lack of support from my then-husband has brought me to this point. If your husband would leave you because you do not want to have a child, then he will leave you..period. The child won't do well in school..or the child starts taking drugs...or the child ends up doing something terrible...all reasons he'll use to leave you...then you'll be stuck alone dealing with the problems. Sorry...hope I'm not being to rough on you.