Hi everyone. It's been a while since I last posted here, but I hope everyone has been well these past couple of months.
Today I'm not back with any real updates, but I'm just finding this neverending journey so, so difficult. I'm not even sure where to start - there's so much I feel like I'd have to cover to even come close to describing what this has all been like. We're coming close to the horrible 2 year anniversary of my operation at age 19, and I still feel such deep, profound regret about my thyroidectomy. I wish so badly that I had never done it, that I'd backed out at the last second like I wanted to. I thought I was making the right decision for myself. I was in so much pain every day from the Graves', but even then I was still crying on the operating table as they put me under the anesthesia, not wanting to go through with it but feeling like I had to.
Still, nothing could have ever prepared me for the mental anguish that would follow after the surgery. For the complete abandonment I'd face from all of my old doctors after being discharged, for the hurtful comments from people around me who don't know what it's like to suffer in this way, for the few compassionate doctors I do have seeing that I am still visibly unwell but being unable to do anything but helplessly send me home...
I just feel so utterly betrayed. The doctors all told me I would be better now. And now that I'm not, suddenly it's all in my head and I should go to counselling to see if my symptoms improve. Obviously this predicament is ultimately my fault because I agreed to it, but...it doesn't make the gaslighting hurt any less.
Sure, there are some days, even some weeks that are better than others...I don't always feel totally hopeless and miserable. But there still isn't a single day that goes by that I'm not regretting, or wracking my brain thinking of ways to fix this horrible mess that I ultimately know won't work, and meanwhile I have to constantly hear, "just keep trying" or "it'll get better" when it never does. The last time I believed that, I agreed to have an entire organ of my body removed!!
I have so many ambitions and aspirations, but I feel I'll always be held back by this. All the nights I've spent awake crying as softly as I can so no one hears me...what will they all amount to? Is this what the 'better' life I was promised is supposed to look like? Is it meant to look like being as sick as before, but now with much less support and much more admonishing for being ungrateful? At least before my thyroidectomy I could recognise myself in the mirror, and I didn't totally hate the way my body looked, for starters. And it seemed back then, my doctors actually cared about me a little...although it was hard, particularly in the month or so leading up to the surgery, at least my body behaved in ways that were predictable for me. Now, I'm totally lost on how to cope both physically and emotionally, and I have a whole new set of anguishes that I'd never even really thought about before. I'm not well versed in medicine, but I've had to become an expert in my own illness because so few endos can be bothered to.
I'm truly sorry for such a long and depressing read, I really am. But I just feel so much worse pretending to constantly be positive and resilient in my real life when the truth is that I'm hurting really bad inside.