I am but a frightful old bat

Today I am in one of those 'dreadful lady moods' for no reason at all. Lots of highly unnecessary drawn out sighing and an over use frequent tutting, with the odd snort of indifferent contempt thrown in. Usually as I kick some of the cardboard boxes which are from floor to ceiling in most rooms. My recent experience with estate agents has deepened normal passing irritations and I have used up my 'being patient with people and situations quota,' probably for the next couple of months or so.

Our house is half packed up, and I have joined in the UK national pass time of dissing all estate agents. I have stopped short of voodoo dolls and pins, but my deep shampooing of carpets in preparation for a move that should have happened by now, has ground to a halt. The recently cheerful voice of our seller's smarmy and silver tongued estate agent announcing how sad it was that he had sold the house we were buying over our head to a cash buyer, alongside an irritating woman selling our house. Telling me that the delays caused her end were not really a problem, drove me to some banshee level outbursts. After offering to pop in and run her office for her copied to head office, we reached some sort of uneasy truce. I was muttering expletives even in my sleep apparently.

After an hour of wailing and gnashing of teeth, having lost the house. I retired and filed my fangs, and climbed back on the horse. Having phoned every agent in a 40 mile radius explaining both on the phone and by email my exact requirements and location. I then received a barrage of highly unsuitable properties miles away from our chosen location, including one bedroom retirement flats and also some holiday homes suitable for occupation only some of the year. Apparently my clear requests in bold capitals - indicating not in a village, only in two town locations, and at least four bedrooms, in print in an email could not be read. It was as if I had submitted a request saying, please sell me any old pile of shite at any cost anywhere in the UK, sod the location find the me a municipal karzi to convert in the middle of a roundabout and have done with it.

However after one day a house I could almost bear to look at caught my attention, and off we went to look at it. I offered on it on the spot, the vibes were right, the current owners nice, and the garden big enough for me to sulk in on a daily basis. I fought of all the other viewings and the second viewings and presented the lady of the house with a large bunch of flowers the next day. They really like us and want their much loved home to go to nice people, unlike the last selected abode which I will refer to as 'Crappy View' where a basket of venomous snakes would have done for the current vendors to fit with their forked tongued dealings. I resisted the urge to issue a card wishing them bad karma for the next two centuries as it would probably backfire and cause me some. I did some unlady like hissing of my own and recovered swiftly.

Fingers crossed I get this one off the ground. I have banned the estate agent from phoning me more than every other day. She has to write to me. I have been told by her in warbling soprano tones for 12 weeks now, alongside her 12 year old sidekick in estate training, that things are fine, when clearly they have not been, this has been reflected by the ten percent discount which has now landed on my mat, after I wrenched the for sale board out of the ground and tossed it into the hedge. It is now back up again, minus the temporary bag my husband put over it, with a gaffer taped 'for sale' note, on the day, we had been let down yet again.

All is temporarily calm. I am now back to my usual dreadful self. I am sitting in a half collapsed deckchair in the garden being very very nosy regarding passers by who are on the way to the coast, they of course are equally nosy about me. The sun brings them out like a rash. Huge framed men with beards squashed into tiny sports cars, and what I like to call cycling lizards. People wearing tight shiny green and black lycra with go faster hats on who appear to be in some sort of copy cat Tour de France mode, and not forgetting people of a certain age who suddenly buy military style his and hers matching shorts and hiking socks and start marching about with giant rucksacks on.

Last night I took a friend out and we sat up the road not many miles away at one of my husbands gigs in a newly taken over pub. I hope to join the band again soon, but am still recovering from boring illness. We sat and drank rather nice red wine and moaned about our lack of Euro Millions winnings and in general the Lottery and Thunderball. I do appear to win them most weeks but not more than ten pounds, still it pays for the tickets. We also did that sort of parenty good hearted lamenting about teenagers that most of us do. My son is either playing his drum at full pelt alongside my daughter who listens to her MP3 player all the time. Whenever I speak, nobody can hear me, and I realize too late that I am just mouthing at my daughter like that sketch from Faulty Towers.

I am rather pleased with this new pub set up. The succession of owners/managers for the last five years have tried in a rural location to offer gourmet food and eclipse the pub vibe which has upset the locals and alienated their trade after the usual grand opening. Mind you the particular village it supports probably have moaning in general as their daily setting. Mos of the village do appear to be related to one another, and in general they really do not do 'pleased' When it was just a pub they did not like that either. The new people have got it just right. I was most amused to arrive and find two voluptuous middle aged barmaids draped over the bar and the customers, laughing their heads off. Meanwhile their husbands were the wrong side of the bar drinking beer with the punters and planning all things football. A real mixture of people in there, not just for food, some live music, lots of children and the whole atmosphere light, and the real test, lots of people who have not been to that pub for years enjoying themselves with entire extended family with them. The fact that I managed to secure two large sofas for myself family and friends was very pleasing. Although at the end of the evening my teenage son insisted on stretching a pair of very long hairy legs across me rendering my unable to move due to the red wine going on. When I asked him to move, he said, but I thought you missed my cuddles Mummy.

During the evening I became entangled with a large number of dogs. Lots of customers appeared to have brought their local pooch along, and all being kept under control on retractable leads which were on the longest setting. As I attempted to walk from the bar carrying a tray of drinks to an area of Sofa's, games, magazines and all things fun. I realized just in time that I had a separate dog lead wound around each leg, my legs started to go in different directions, with two rather excited hounds having a play fight. Once untangled and over hugged by the tiddly owners I was soon ensconced on a big squishy sofa, listening to my husband bellowing out tunes, with the addition of the pub cat on my lap. A rather enormous man in stature, proceeded to squash himself next to me, in order to help me if the dogs came back. His beer fumes brought the hair on the back of my neck up, as did the facial expressions of his glowering wife.

Today I am resting a little and my man has gone off again to do another gig. Before he left he made me a nice pot of tea, which when I poured it out, was only hot water, but never mind it is the thought that counts. Later on, having munched my way through a compost heap sized pile of salad, I tested a special gluten free croissant. I have to say, foul is the word. It reminded me of one those knotted dog chews, although the dog treat would probably be a more satisfying culinary experience. I whizzed it out of the back door and over a hedge, and much to my satisfaction, I heard it hit my neighbours lawnmower.

Despite the crap and nonsense of the last few days, I think for a little while I am on the mend. My Nutrit Thryoid and Nutri Adrenal Extra plus LDN are doing their thing.. and I may even move soon.

More fuss in the future is guaranteed!


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45 Replies

  • Oh Mary, You crease me up, Well caused me belly laughing with your antics. Hope you get to move soon. X

  • Yes, my local branch of estate agents will be moving at some speed off the edge of some cliffs shortly. MaryFx

  • If all fails you still have the voodoo doos....they really do work

  • Yes but there is always that slight worry that they might make one of me! MaryFx

  • maybe thats why i have so many pains..they must be busy

  • Oh dear.............. MaryFx

  • I can see them from here: the voodoo dolls are packed in the second from the bottom box in the third row of boxes in the hallway on the right side of the door leading to the second bedroom. Not sure where the pins are. You may need to buy a box of those. They're cheap. ;)

    I wouldn't worry too much about the estate agents making a voodoo doll of you. They are far too busy being irresponsible.

  • Yes... this little song springs to mind:


  • Mary I have been thinking of you as have another pile of school sports vouchers and have lost the Ipswich address.I think it has finished now too.

    Can't believe you haven't moved yet....was waiting for the moving day report!!

    Sincerely hope it does happen soon .......I feel for you.x

  • oh has it.. you could try sending to The school Room, Boxford Ward, Ipswich Hospital, Heath Road, Ipswich, Suffolk IP4 5PD, as they will be about to send them off, many thanks. MaryF x

  • Thanks Mary ....will do.x

  • Much appreciated, thank you again. MaryFx

  • " indifferent contempt"? Is that possible?

  • Yes if you take them in turns! MaryFx

  • Mary F I love your sense of humour and always have a good laugh and feel better when I have read one of your missives. We are just pondering having our planning permission turned down for our dream home! The sunshine and GF and dairy free diet seem to be helping me to cope with it all. In the past I wold have been severely depressed and feeling very hypo! Thanks

  • Turn you creativity into designing a concrete bunker for the planners, and don't let them out. MaryFx

  • that has got to be the best 'blog' for a long time ---- you have surpassed yourself ---=== my sides are still aching === just 1 thing you must have forgotten that state agents are trainee endocryologists or doctors ==== ....you will [ eventually ] receive all the good karma back .....alan xxx

  • Well Karma turned to Korma this evening, I just made a fantastic dinner and polished the lot off, including the toasted almonds on top... MaryFx

  • glad to here it ...... why not try to be a PESSIMISTIC OPTOMIST of life ?????

  • Many years ago when life in teaching was particularly tough my husband got me a set of Guatemalan worry dolls. Every night I chose my favourite doll, told it all my worries, shoved it under my pillow and went to sleep. Not sure it solved my problems for me but I did get a decent night's sleep. So maybe an alternative to voodoo dolls.

    Poor you though to lose a house so late in the proceedings, that is so awful, you have to wonder how people / estate agents have the nerve to do that don't you. Hope this one goes through. x

  • Thank you, things always happen for a reason, and perhaps I have a better one, and less of a building site! MaryFx

  • Good thinking. My old dad had a saying 'what's for you, won't go by you' and I think that's true, for jobs and houses and most things in life. It is just a pain in the butt to have all that extra hassle. :-)

  • Here i go.... etc MaryFx

  • Love you Mary! :) xxx

  • Well thank you. MaryFxxx

  • Loving the description of the estate agent. I used to be one, you know. It's like juggling custard and because they charge the most they get the most flak!

  • Yes... it is the smoke and mirrors that drives me nuts. MaryFx

  • Wonderful Mary. Hope this house goes well, sounds promising x

  • Thank you. MaryF x

  • Thanks for the tonic Mary, love it. x

  • 'Gin and Tonic! MaryF x

  • Doh, of course! :-D

  • Well I am due out at a garden party with 'sabre tooth' locals.... I shall sit on my hands in order not to have those, as I only drink twice a week and I have already had those! PAH etc. MaryFx

  • Your writing is hilarious Mary and highly demonstrative, especially about the teenagers! Hope your eventual move goes well.....

  • Yes.. here we go... but not quite yet. MaryFx

  • Hmm I thought my diet was bad until I read about your gluten free croissant experience! Hopefully, you'll get to move really soon. Keep up the writing Mary, I just love your style, it makes me laugh so much! xxx

  • I can assure you that there will be plenty more! MaryFx

  • Ingenious:) Thank you x

  • Well thank you. MaryFx

  • Maryf you should write a book! That was most entertaining thankyou for brightening my day

  • They are being pulled together into a book proceeds to TUK...and I do have rather a frightful novel brewing! MaryFx

  • Will there be a dedication to your estate agents, Mary?

  • No... hopefully the move will be cathartic enough... however.. I am sure there will be more before that date. MaryFx

  • Great read as usuall Mary.

    I'm With you on the estate agents had two trying to sell my house, it could have been comical if it wasn't so disruptive/upsetting/etc, they pulled each others signs out, chucked them in the garden then blamed the other. I witnessed this a couple of times when confronted with the truth they looked very sheepish. Also when assessing the house one said "its a shame those doors were removed". I had to look hard at her as I don't believe she had ever been in my house before, she looked like she was just out of nursery school, I asked her what doors?? To which she replied "weren't there doors there? No I said, never and not in my parents life time of living here either. very odd.

    As you can see I'm not a fan, but can't compare to endos yet. xx

  • Yes... well more excessive rambling later in the week..... MaryFx

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