Fears and Anxiety

[janeths466]

Hello everyone,

I often post here about my anxiety and regarding my mom and her illness. She is in dialysis, she had a lung cancroid and later breast cancer. I feel like my anxieties do not allow me to function, in the sense that every time something bothers me I just get very depressed! Scanxiety, or simple troubles haunt me. I deal with them but this time it is BAD. My fear of death came back, I had this when I was 16 and fell into deep depression for 2 months; I would not eat or do anything. When I almost lost my mom in 2019 this fear truly left my body completely. I did not care about it or dwelled on the idea of death. Now it is back at 23. I did not think it would ever come back to me since I got over it once. But literally the way it is inevitable sends me into a deep state of panic lately. I feel very freaking guilty feeling like this because my mom is so full of life regardless of her illnesses, and I am here in a bed depressed crying over the inevitable? I cannot enjoy anything without thinking about not existing one day. It stops me from doing what I love. I feel heaviness in my body just overthinking of life after because I love my life as it is. This is so dumb to say at my age but I want to go back to enjoying the things I love, the trips I have planned. It just feels frustrating to have this big fear that I cannot get rid of since it will happen eventually. Any words of comfort? I just want to cry; I have lost 5 pounds. I believe I am going through an existential crisis again but I really want to overcome it ASAP. After thinking of time passing by, and my family, my mom, and everything it's just so hard for me to comprehend. I got out of it once, so I believe I can again, but I don't know I am so uneasy. I had covid last week so I don't know if the enabled this depression?

[Nocillo]

Please take a deep, deep breath. I’ve been down this rabbit hole as well. What it does is rob you of the precious time we do have on this earth. I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you, but I’m not very good at counseling. I think it is better to realize what we are headed for and acknowledge our fear about it and then tuck it away and get busy with the stuff of life. Even if that must incorporate someone with illness. Death is a very real part of life, but if you can release yourself from fear, of any kind, you will do yourself a great favor. Be kind to yourself.

[janeths466 in reply to Nocillo]

Thank you for your advice I truly appreciate it. I feel like it is an endless cycle of torture. I get out of it for 10 mins then I am back. I hate that I am literally trying but my brain just takes me back into fear of death and time. I think some of the worst things and it's messing with my joy of anything I do. I really wished my brain could relax just for a bit

[Hazelgreen]

Your thoughts do seem to be running together. Perhaps it would help if you reread what you have written, and decide exactly what is it that is bothering you that you are trying to tell all of us. - Are you upset because you will die one day, as we all surely will?

- Is it something that you expect to happen after your death that alarms you?

- Is it only that you cannot imagine not existing (none of us can)?

- Have you honestly tried to do other activities besides lying in bed?

- Have you tried to simply refuse to dwell on your thoughts by memorizing contradictory ideas which you then repeat to yourself as a mantra?

Do develop a plan of action for yourself if you cannot afford to pay a therapist. You do not have to give into your anxiety/depression. Get active - move, mediate, help others, anything productive.

Remember you are on this site because your mother has cancer. You owe it to her, as well as yourself, to get yourself functioning positively so you can both enjoy your lives.

Good luck! I wish you well.

Cindy

[8576]

Just getting this now. My internet is so slow. Sorry you are back in the worry again. Do seek help. It will do a world of good.

Cheers, June S.

[mariootsi]

Sorry you are going through all this. Maybe some sort of counseling could help! You are strong. You made it through this darkness before, you can do it again! We all find ourselves going down this rabbit hole!

[janeths466 in reply to mariootsi]

I really do hope to go to counseling soon! I feel like I just want some peace and to go back to the things I enjoy. It is so hard rn I have constant headaches

[mariootsi in reply to janeths466]

I totally understand

[Paigeparker]

Oh you poor thing. I can relate 100000%. I'm a 25 year old daughter scared to death for my Mother as well. Everything you've stated/described is exactly how I feel as well. My anxiety and depression have multiplied horrendously since my Mom's diagnoses. I have also lost a ton of weight. I can't eat, sleep, and barely function some days because of how heartbroken, angry, and helpless I feel. Please feel free to send me a private message if you ever want to talk privately. Sometimes it helps to speak to another daughter who has the same worries/feelings (I've met another daughter close to our age on this board. It helps so much to have a friend who understands what we're going through.)

Much love,

Paige.

[SabaAK]

Hi Janeth. I remember you. I think we joined this site at the same time last year:). I feel you 100% cause since I remember myself I’ve always had those fears. I’m 39 and feel like I lost most of my years worrying about things that might not even happen,worrying about cancer all my life,spending every week at doctors offices for different type of check ups. I feel like I lost so many opportunities of building up my career or postponing my education plans for later cause I always had something In my mind,some kind of fear that would stop me to move forward.Last year after my mom’s diagnose I couldn’t function for almost 2 months and after my doctor literally made to start antidepressants. I’m taking Lexapro and it was a biiiiiiiiiiiigg help. It takes almost 4 weeks for medication to start to work but trust me it worth it. Sometimes you need to get help and in our situation medication could be a good option otherwise you will lose your best years of life worrying about something that might never happen,cause obviously it’s something that you can’t control.After my mom’s diagnose I’ve changed a lot. First of all I accepted that it’s life and everything might happen,crying and feeling anxious all the time will not resolve anything, we should think about things that can help to change the situation. There is always gonna be ups and downs you need to learn how to deal with that. And in your case I think antidepressant will be the first step and I promise you will feel much better. It’s not like you not gonna think about anything it will just help you to stay calm and accept everything and also live your life. Don’t blame yourself at all,people are different,some can deal with everything and stay positive,others just can’t control their fears. For example me and my sister,both from same parents,raised in the same house,she was always full of energy I was always extremely sensitive and anxious. Now we live apart,she lives in UK and I’m in USA. Last year we had a family reunion after mom’s diagnose and I was kind of surprised of how calm she was. She is leaving her life,taking care of her kids, she has tons of friends and they have friends gathering every week,she works full time,she works out twice a week and she makes herself busy and happy and every time I was mentioning about mom’s illness she would say ok lady calm down we do live in 21st century there is a lot of researches a lot of treatment options and everything will be fine with mom. It’s not like she doesn’t love her mom it just positive approach and attitude and trust she has a lot in her life as well but she just prefers to stay positive no matter what happens. After our trip I did also come to that decision. Don’t worry about anything until it actually happens. Every time I do have checkups or doctors appointment I’m shaking and my husband says OMG Saba are you crazy?? Let your results come first and after doctor actually says that there is something wrong then start shaking)). Always send positive energy and it comes back to you. You can ask a lot of ladies here how bad I was last year and probably they would say look who is talking about positive energy)). You will be fine❤️

[janeths466 in reply to SabaAK]

Thank you so much for your response I appreciate it! I definitely think an anti depressant would help. I currently feel like my head hurts from how much I think, I am so exhausted of it by night that I don't even care about these thoughts anymore. It is an endless cycle and I hate it, I want to just go on like before. I get in and out of the scary mindset. The weird thing is I got out of it once, and even became very calm and took things day by day with my moms diagnosis. However, this impending doom took over me 2 weeks ago when I realized I am almost 24 and life is going so fast. It truly is scary, but you are so right! Worry about it when it happens is the way to go. At least that's what I have done before jumping into conclusions and it helps. I just said, "worry about dying when you do..." not like I am going to be able to but still lol. It is such a exhausting cycle. Turning things into gratefulness about my existence and such has helped. I think things fall into place day by day. Hope you have happy days ahead, full of joy and love <3

[SabaAK in reply to janeths466]

❤️🙏