Feeling Scared

[janeths466]

I think receiving the news of my mom has hit me. I have been crying, then I am stable, then I cry again. However tonight I feel so weak and scared. I love my mother so much. I was hugging her today and tears formed because I am so scared on what's to come. I have only known about this for 3 days and I feel like I am in a nightmare. When will we have peace and not think about this illness?

She has gone through so much, and as a dyalisis patient and a mother of 3 I am so afraid. I know cancer itself is hard, but having a dyalisis treatment on top of another just makes my heart ache because my mom does not deserve it. Nobody does! Thinking of the future is so scary to me and last night I cried myself to sleep. She missed my collegegraduation last year because that day we rushed her to the hospital for her lung canceroid. Now, I think ahead and I am so afraid of losing my beautiful mom. She is everything to me. Everything I do revolves around her. She is my rock. I want her to see my children, I want her to be at my wedding. I am just very nostalgic today. I am afraid of what will happen.

My dad talked to us last night and told us to enjoy life right now. He said "your mother is here and healthy right now, we all are, why worry about what has not happened?" which is true. But my mind goes to dark places. I do not know the diagnosis or the stage yet, but I am constantly scared. I hug my little siblings and they are so young. They want their mom with them. Last year when she was in a induced comma for a month it was so hard and traumatizing to them, they are still in therapy. My little brother takes my moms scarf to remember her at school since he is still recovering from the time we almost lost her. We have not told them these news yet because we are waiting for the next steps. Anyways, this is so hard, I feel the same way I felt when I almost lost her at the ICU. I feel heavy weight. My chest hurts.

My mom has been getting distracted these past days but I randomly get episodes of sadness and try not showing it. My dad is very strong and optimistic, he was shocked first but he says we need strenght and to enjoy life as it is right now.

She saw how sad I was, and even at my 21 years of age she got in bed with me and hugged me because I am her baby. These things make me cry more because she always makes me feel better. I can't imagine a world without her.

[janeths466]

Also I am sorry if this sounds selfish in any way. I know everyone deals with many things, and I am not the only one. I am just very confused since everything is sinking in, and my thoughts are everywhere. This is what I am feeling right now.

[Marcy2020 in reply to janeths466]

I’m sorry to hear that. The first words of my friend said ah ter tell her about my husband cancer lung is: ‘Take care of you.’ Support your mother but don’t forget you.

[Red71]

I know this is hard. Everyone feels shell shocked in the beginning and their feelings go up and down like a roller coaster. You said that your younger siblings are still in therapy. Were you in therapy also? If you were I would suggest you go back to your therapist and get help working through this. If you weren’t in therapy, it sounds like this might be a good time to seek some help. It would probably benefit both you and your family for you to have someone else to lean on and gain some perspective. Your dad is right about learning to enjoy life as it is right now. Your mom is dealing with the shock of what is happening to her (distraction is definitely part of that ) but also with your grief over this too. It would probably help her to know that you have someone to talk to besides her. I know that when I got my diagnosis, consoling others was hard when I still needed to work through my feelings. She needs that time also.

And again, you really don’t have all the information you need to even know what your mom is dealing with. Put those worries in a box until you know you need to actually worry about them and enjoy doing some nice things for your mom.

I am sure she wants you to go on having a healthy normal life. Mothers are happiest when their children are happy. I know I would be unhappy if my children were putting their life on hold for me. Yes, I may need their help, but I also want them to work and play and do the things everybody does at the age they are at. I’m sure your mom wants the same for you.

[KMBL_]

I’m also very close to my daughter. She is so awesome. Reading your feelings gives me perspective on what she might feel as well, but I’m farther out from diagnosis and doing well, so we don’t talk about it much. I think as time goes on and you get more information, your fears may settle a bit. I agree you can definitely use someone to talk to. Having no control over things is horrible, and waiting for information is the worst part. I’m giving you another virtual hug.

[hdhonda]

Janaths,

I am sending you and your family lots of hugs and I am praying for you and your family. The others have given you some good advice. Blessings Hannah

[mariootsi]

I know it is so hard. It is a nightmare. Its ok to cry! You are in shock and that is understandable.

It takes time to adjust and move forward. I believe you will feel better when you know more and your mom has a treatment plan.

Your dad is right. Live for today. Treasure each other.

Support each other.

None of us can predict the future.

Love and hugs,

Marianne

[LeeannW710]

Sending you a huge hug and positive vibes your way. You mom is incredibly lucky to have such a mature, responsible and loving daughter. You made the right choice reaching out to the wonderful women on this site. My wish for you is comfort and peace during this difficult time with mom. I agree with Mariootsi! Hugs!

[Hidden]

I am so sorry you are going through this. My children are 24 and 27 and they have days the cry and really struggle. (My daughter in law let’s me know when my son is feeling low). Your Dad is right but it is easier said then done. It’s normal to worry. Try to focus on the time together. I hope you have a friend or sibling to give you a hug. ❤️

[Red71 in reply to Hidden]

I also have a daughter-in-law who lets me know when my son is worried. It’s very helpful when you have a quiet son who doesn’t talk much! Elaine

[RLN-overcomer]

I pray God will give you, your mom, and your family strength, healing, and comfort to overcome this challenging time. The drugs, and natural supplements available today has so many of us living longer fulfilling lives. I was told I would not live to see 2009 from my then oncologist. Well surprise surprise, I am completely cancer free communicating with you today 11 years past my supposed physical expiration date. Dr God supersedes any other worldly oncology Dr.s decisions. Please give yourself some much needed TLC, through counseling, a caregivers support group, or your local religious institutions. XoXoXoXo