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SHARE Metastatic Breast Cancer

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new....well sort of ; )

kokopelli2017 profile image
46 Replies

hi. it feels strange to say i am ‘new’ here, having been a member since 2018. i have read your collective posts daily for over 3 years now and feel like i know a lot of you. and i have been saddened by those that have passed. but you all don’t even know i exist…lol. not really sure why i decided to write today. maybe because i have plenty of time on my hands. maybe because i am feeling lonely. or maybe i just want to feel connected.

originally diagnosed with lobular/ductal BC stage 2b ER+ HER2- with positive lymph node back in 2013. i did all the treatment that was recommended…R mastectomy, lymph node excision, 5 months of chemo (red devil, taxotere) followed by 6 weeks of daily radiation. i did not complain....at least not much. i did not say ‘why me’. i did not cry when i went to a barber shop and had him give me a straight edge razor shave. i figured i would do my time and get back to my life. but here i am, 8 years later, and i never did ‘get back to my life’. and i am acutely aware that i never will.

i was 55 at time of diagnosis and in the prime of my life both professionally and personally. i had married my soul mate (2nd marriage) several years earlier and loved my career as an RN in a busy, inner city ER. nursing was/is my passion. my hobbies revolved around being active…walking,running, yoga, ballet (just for fun, not great at it…haha). had a circle of friends and my 2 adult daughters and a brand new grandson.

Crash. i finished treatment in spring of 2014. soulmate husband divorced me. he found a new woman with long beautiful hair while i was bald. obviously did not see that coming. felt totally abandoned and betrayed by this 'man'. my elderly dad diagnosed with terminal colon CA and died that same spring. we had to sell our home due to the divorce and i moved back home to MA, and therefore had to leave my job. bottom line.... in less than a year i had suffered a major health crisis, lost my dad, lost my husband, lost my home, lost my job. and then i lost my mind. treatment was over and i had no previous life to return to. and then i broke. yup…mental breakdown.

fast forward to 2017. i was back on track…thankfully! new home, job, dating again, exercising etc. i was having pretty brutal back pain and thought it was a sports injury. MRI showed otherwise. bone mets to spine and pelvis. Shock. thought i was going to die within months and started getting my affairs in order. in retrospect, i wish i had. i know how negative that sounds and i apologize for that. i mean no disrespect to those that are trying so hard to beat this cancer. but i am definitely in the quality of life vs quantity camp and my quality is tanking fast. I am on 90mg of morphine ER daily and total of 90mg of oxycodone for break thru daily and the pain is still not controlled. sometimes it is unbearable despite the meds.

my spine is collapsing and has a curve of 45 degrees. i can no longer stand or walk for more than a couple minutes at a time. i can’t make it thru brushing my teeth without the pain becoming so bad that i must sit. i can no longer cook or clean. the shower is my enemy. my arms are now also affected by the spinal nerve damage and i can't carry much more than a dinner plate or a cup of coffee. this is a more recent development. my body/spine is failing me. and i have no control over. just like i have no control over the cancer. i had to sell my home again and i am now renting. my only source of income is SSDI and an underwhelming IRA. not sure how long i can even afford to live. not being dramatic, just stating the facts. so many worries.

in addition, my body has become significantly deformed due to the spine curve and clothes don't fit the way they are meant to. i walk hunched over (kyphosis)with my head facing the ground. i also lean significantly to the left side. my self esteem is taking a hit. and my identity. i am struggling with who i am. i literally don't recognize myself physically or emotionally. i am becoming a recluse. and yes, i am depressed. and my circle is small. some friends have disappeared. and i get it. i am a shadow of my former self. i used to be strong and vibrant and full of energy. I do NOT want my legacy to be what i have become. this is not how i want to be remembered. it is not that i want to die, it is more that i don't know how to live like this. and i know i could live several more years like this. but i can’t give up because i have two daughters and three grandsons that i adore. i feel like i would be abandoning them. and i can't do that to them intentionally.

it is not that i have not tried. i have definitely advocated for myself. i sought out two spine specialists and a 'brace' specialist to try to help me. i had spine surgery, a year of physical therapy, more cortisone injections than i can remember, a recent radio frequency ablation to spinal nerves, a brace that hurt more than it helped...but nothing has worked. the pain is the same. the lack of mobility continues to progress. and the fatigue is relentless.

and maybe most all, i have lost my identity. i don't know what to do anymore.

thanks so much for reading...if you have made it this far....lol. very long post...i guess i had 3 years of not posting to make up for!

hugs to all.....

carole xo

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Onesource profile image
Onesource

Hi!

Onesource profile image
Onesource

Hi! I am fairly new to this site too. I only wrote once about a medication. The ladies who answered me were absolutely lovely. I had breast cancer at 44 when our children were younger. Now they are old and I am too - 70. A strange case - no symptoms at all but went for mammogram and the cancer was in lymph nodes under my left arm, spread to right breast, neck etc. I have lived at MDAnderson Cancer Center the past 14-months. It seems impossible but I did and had an incredible experience because they really did cure me (thus far). I didn't want to talk about me. I wanted to address the fact that you lost yourself in all of this and I can't understand because who could? You have a terrible cross to carry and my heart is breaking for you. I do understand your statement about losing your identity though. My identity used to be my job and my independence and people admired me somewhat. I had a powerful job several years ago (I was Mayor for my City) etc. Now my identity is "the sick woman." I hate that so much. I am more than that but they won't get over it. Living this life in this "cancer world" bubble has made me feel as though I am disappearing from myself little by little. What I can tell you is that as bad as your cancer has affected you, there are women on here that have the same symptoms and things you do, but they live on and on and are still going strong! They will empower you and give you strength. They are all so full of love and respect that it is like writing to angels. I'm so very glad you shared your story. You will find comfort and solace in these caring and brave women. You will find yourself again I am sure. I will pray for you that you will be able somehow to enjoy the children and Granddaughters and all the good things there is in this life.

kokopelli2017 profile image
kokopelli2017 in reply to Onesource

hi. thank you so much for your empathic and thoughtful reply. so nice of you. and btw...you have beautiful eyes. and we share some common feelings. i am struggling with my identity as i already expressed. thanks for sharing that you feel the same...or did. i was very strong and independent and i was like a 'dog with a bone' when i set my mind to it. i was considered 'the fixer' in my family. and now i feel weak and looked on upon as incapable. or maybe that is just how i feel. either way, it's not pretty.

on a different note....that is great that you had such a wonderful and successful experience at MD Anderson Cancer Center. i have heard great things about these cancer centers.

hugs....

carole xo

debbiedo2063 profile image
debbiedo2063

Hi CaroleI’m sorry you have had such a tough time. First things that come into my mind reading your post are That your ex did not deserve you, also your photo is lovely ,such a great smile and no one or anything can take that away from you.

I too have 2 daughters, 1 son and a 2 year old grandson they are my world too and we are so lucky to have our beautiful families.

Please try to see this as new phase not as a loss of identity, I know it’s so hard but the mind is such a strong thing and it will adjust with support. You are still powerful in your mind and your post shows this. Maybe being full of energy and vibrant is for you now a mindful thing.

Your writing is very powerful. My son is at University studying Creative Writing , power and energy is displayed in many ways. Since he started Uni I realised this and now I take time to shut off and read each day, something I never did as I was so physically active.

I too have spinal and sacrum mets and was diagnosed thinking I had a back injury by a physio in 2020 during lockdown. I didn’t go to bed or actually sit down for 6 weeks, took that long for them to MRI me, the GP would only do telephone and painkiller prescription, it was the physio that ordered the MRI. Radiotherapy really helped .

I hope you can seek the outside help you need wether counselling , pain management , friendships, writing down how you feel.

I think the hardest thing alongside pain management sometimes is grieving for the life we feel we have lost and I hope you give yourself time to do this first and not focus on where you were but where you are now , and you are now part of this group amongst friends who really understand, and as you said in your post you could live years and you will have good times in those years with family and friends.

Friends react in many different ways don’t they, when I told a good friend in lockdown she texted me when your better , when the cancer is gone and you need to fight it, we can meet up and I thought to myself well that’s the twelfth of never then.

Some People just don’t understand but I try to see the humorous side in that if I can.

Please go easy on yourself, you come across as such a strong minded woman and that will help you.

Hugs and best wishes, keep posting,

Debra xxx

😍

kokopelli2017 profile image
kokopelli2017 in reply to debbiedo2063

hi Debra. thank you so much for your very sweet and thoughtful reply. and yes, i will agree with you that ex-husband didn't deserve me. but i have since learned from my therapist that he is a narcissist and sociopath. but how did i not see that before as i consider myself a relatively bright woman and thought i was a pretty good judge of character. my sisters and closest friend say that they were fooled by him as well and not to beat myself up over it. easier said than done...lol. but this man stole the best years of my life. my first husband was an abuser and i worked so hard to get out of that marriage and create a new life for myself. and i was so careful not to get involved with any man that remotely reminded me of my first husband. and i thought i had succeeded. but my 2nd husband now makes the first seem like a saint. well obviously that's not true....but at least with the first husband you knew where you stood. the 2nd husband is a wolf in sheep's clothing...so to speak. and it makes me so hurt and angry that he is living a jet-set type of life. he is a vip in his field and known nationally in his line of work and very well respected by all. except me of course. the man was living a double life and no one knows the real him. i don't know how he pulled it off but he did. he moved to CA and all of his colleagues assumed i was going with him. he got out of dodge without a word that he was divorcing me. i was doing my treatment in a different state (better treatment) and he could spin any story he wanted i guess. obviously i have unresolved issues surrounding his betrayal and abandonment. i need to work on that. he is wasting my energy!!! and i don't have much to spare ;). sometimes truth really is stranger than fiction. okay....enough on that.

how nice that your son is majoring in creative writing. i have always liked writing my thoughts down.....putting 'pen to paper'. i find it therapeutic and mostly what i write is never seen by others. i just kinda do it for myself. sometimes it helps. sometimes not. but that is great that you are reading. i need to do that too but i have trouble concentrating these days...it is the depression and i am aware of that. but with physical activity out of the picture, i really need some new ways to channel my energy.

please know that i am sorry to hear of your struggles....bone mets to spine and sacrum is so painful. i am assuming you are bone mets only....and i hope it stays that way! happy to hear that the radiotherapy was helpful to you. and please also know that i realize i am not the only one struggling here. it sounds like you had an extremely difficult 6 weeks during shutdown and i am so sorry to hear that.

i know there is always someone who has it much worse than me. but i have hit a turning point and need help with daily life. but i am (or was) a very independent person (some say stubborn) and find it very difficult to ask for help. but i can no longer shower and wash my hair on my own....among other things...and it really has me down. i need to learn to accept what i cannot change. i am working on it.

my motivation to keep living is my two daughters and my three grandsons....ages 13, 2, and 3 months as i already mentioned. so nice that you have your daughters and son and grandson. we are blessed!

thanks again Debra for your reply. it actually made me cry. but in a good way.

sending hugs....

carole xo

jersey-jazz profile image
jersey-jazz

Dear one--- My heart goes out to you. I feel privileged that you have finally unburdened yourself to this forum and you can guess what is going to happen. We won't allow you to stay in that terrible place you are in with out doing our damnedest to smother you with love, hugs, kisses, soothing stokes, sympathy, empathy and whatever else we are able to think of to try to lift you up. I for one will add your name to our church's prayer list. Shall I call you Koko for short or do you have another name that you would like to use for the purpose? Please believe the we are all here for one another and now that you have joined us, we are all here for you!

kokopelli2017 profile image
kokopelli2017 in reply to jersey-jazz

hi jersey-jazz. well i feel honored that you took the time to reply to me. and such a heartfelt reply...thank you so much! i am very familiar with your posts and seems surreal that we are actually corresponding. i must admit, it feels so good to be 'out of the closet'. my post ended up on the back pages so i am not sure that many in this wonderful group saw or read it. but no matter, i am so grateful for the 3 lovely replies i did receive....they were all beautifully written. and you did make me cry a bit..but in a good way...if that makes sense! my heart goes out to you as well. and yes, i would also be honored to be added to your prayer list...i can use all the help i can get...haha. and btw, my name is carole.

sending love and hugs back to you......

carole xo

Iwasborntodothis profile image
Iwasborntodothis in reply to kokopelli2017

We saw your post - we are all here for you. I just didn't have any words, prayers only.

Rubyjude profile image
Rubyjude

Hi Carole

Your post was indeed a long one, but really worth reading to get a good idea of who you are and the difficulties you have experienced. I agree with others who have said that you should use your obvious talent for writing in ways that could help you, and possibly others too. I think that is an avenue for you that is worth exploring.

Despite all you have gone though (and are still going through), that fantastic woman called Carole is still in there. I understand the bitterness that you must feel by the cancer and then your partner taking away so much of the life you had worked hard for and enjoyed so much. But (cliche alert!) that was then, and this is now. Your life now is very different and may not change much. You need to adapt and find the pleasure in different things - your wonderful family, the few good friends who remain in touch, your clear intelligence, the opportunities that still exist for you to contribute to this world. Maybe becoming e-mail "pals" with a number of others with whom you can share your thoughts and concerns might help. I hope that the positive responses you receive from this wonderful community help to raise your spirits and enable you to face the day with a slightly different perspective.

Hugs, Judy x

kokopelli2017 profile image
kokopelli2017 in reply to Rubyjude

hi Judy. thanks so much for taking the time to reply. and yes, all the wonderful and caring replies have definitely boosted my spirits a bit :). this group is amazing and so happy that i finally 'spoke up'. i have been mbc for 4.5 years. the first couple years (after the initial shock) were totally manageable. challenging at times, but definitely manageable. oh yes, i had pain but it was controlled by the meds. i could (and did) enjoy life. and i was still 100% independent. the sh#t hit the fan when 2 years ago my lower spine starting bending and twisting. the rest you already know. downward spiral since.

i see you are presently on faslodex and tri-monthly zometa and doing well...relatively speaking of course. and your quality of life is still good....yay!!! i sincerely hope you have many, many good quality years ahead!

hugs....

carole xo

Totheriver profile image
Totheriver

So sorry to hear what you went through and what you are going through. It is a tough journey we are all going through. Will keep you I. My prayers that they can help you ease your pain and strength to carry on💕 Theresa

Bettybuckets profile image
Bettybuckets

Hi Carol, I am at a different point in the horrible journey from you- only 18monfhs in but I may live nearby as I also moved to Mass due to MBC so maybe could be a new friend. When my dad was stage 4 lung, I marvelled that he made friends with the hospice people. I could see that having a new friend was still a joy to him. We csn all be your new friends. I just moved to Plymouth Ma from overseas… and would love to have such a bright articulate new friend.

kokopelli2017 profile image
kokopelli2017 in reply to Bettybuckets

hi Betty. thanks so much for the sweet reply. while MA may be a small state...we are actually at opposite ends....you are in eastern MA and i am in western location. btw...loved that billboard story.....saw you in the national news :). keeping my fingers crossed for your daughter. and one of mine as well.hugs...

carole xo

mariootsi profile image
mariootsi

You have been through so much! You are one strong lady. Sending hugs and ❤! We do lose some of ourselves through this Rollercoaster! How could we not. We are physically and mentally challenged through mbc.You may want to speak to a professional as you go through this. I speak to a psychologist weekly. It really helps.

kokopelli2017 profile image
kokopelli2017 in reply to mariootsi

hi Marianne. thank you so much for taking the time to reply. so very sweet of you! i do see a therapist bi-weekly...i have been seeing her for several years now and i agree with you that it is helpful. i actually now consider her a friend..she has been so good to me. and for me. i'm happy to hear that it helps you too!

hugs...

carole xo

mariootsi profile image
mariootsi in reply to kokopelli2017

Carole, we are very lucky to have found good therapists!

AvidBooklover profile image
AvidBooklover

In haste here...so sorry for all you are going through. So glad you shared your story with us. Does your cancer center have any free support resources to help you?

Another Carol

life8888 profile image
life8888

Thank you for your post! I also found out my diagnosis because of unexpected back pain and then inability to move my feet. Went to the ER and found out that I had lesions that had caused multiple spinal fractures. The surgery team told me I wasn't a candidate because the whole spine was compromised. Then I underwent total spine radiation, and I was able to start wiggling my toes halfway through. Then went to acute rehab and was able to walk with a walker by the end of two weeks. Unfortunately I also developed esophagitis, so swallowing and eating were painful for 3 months :(. I went to physical therapy when I was discharged from the hospital, eventually got transferred to out-patient physical therapy (vs. in-home), and that made all the difference in terms of mobility and pain for me. I was feeling a disabling cramping sensation around my abdomen, but after physical therapy I learned it was because my posture was bad so we worked on muscles to support the back and to wean off of braces. I learned that braces can be harmful at times, because the stabilization muscles we use normally to hold up the back and neck atrophy if we become too dependent on them. Maybe about 8 months after my diagnosis I was walking without a walker and even going on short hikes, and even today, almost a year into my diagnosis, I am seeing physical progress.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that even when things seem hopeless there will be a way forward. I never imagined that I would walk again when I was first hospitalized. I hope you will also be able to find medical and physical resources to find a way through. There will be negative opinions from medical professionals, there will be positive opinions, but the important thing is to understand what your own body is telling you, figure out the best treatment options for yourself, and most importantly, never give up!

kokopelli2017 profile image
kokopelli2017 in reply to life8888

thank you for the encouragement. you have been thru so much and i am so happy to hear that you are indeed walking again....yay!!hugs....

carole xo

LadyKatarina profile image
LadyKatarina

Oh, Carole, the very best to you. We are all struggling with how this disease has totally changed our lives--but your physical disability sounds huge. My heart goes out to you. Keep posting, stay in touch. You write beautifully--maybe you can have the strength to use that. I hope you can find a way to live with loving caretakers around you, and kind people coming to visit. It all sounds very hard. Best to you.

RLN-overcomer profile image
RLN-overcomer

Sister/and yessss warrior my heart goes out to you :( . You have certainly had some challenges to overcome. I do thank GOD for your 2 daughters, and your 3 grand children :) . I will pray for you. I will ask GOD to remove the pain, and more importantly the cancer. You are an amazing mother, grandmother, warrior, and advocate : ) . I always remember this quote The measure of a person, does not come in times of comfort, but the measure of a person does comes in times of challenge, and discomfort. Yessssssss you are a Warrior. I send you many many virtual hugs😇

MaryCos profile image
MaryCos

Oh, Carole... I wish I could give you a big hug right now. Like you, I have been a member for a while (since about 4 months into my de novo MBC diagnosis in July 2020) and I read more than I chime in. (Although I have engaged more with posts in the last 6-9 months... I READ... EVERYTHING. Every day.)

If you ever want to chat privately, through the HealthUnlocked email system or to hop on a video call... I more than welcome it. I've had a lot of loss myself, including the whole housing thing, etc. Not a nurse, but a Social Worker. We are likely cut from the same cloth on that. Most importantly, you are not alone.

Just want you to know I see you. If you want to reach out... I am here.

Cos

xoxo

kokopelli2017 profile image
kokopelli2017 in reply to MaryCos

hi Cos. thank you so much for your very sweet and supportive reply. i appreciate you reaching out. funny that we both read everyday for so long, but you came out much quicker than me....haha. i am so very sorry to hear of your struggles as well...so challenging this mbc. and my heart goes out to you too for all your loss. i can't imagine what it is like to be diagnosed de novo....a double shock? i guess it sucks either way as we both know.

i know nothing about the health unlocked email system?? how do you access? would love to 'chat' more via email if i can figure it out.

sending hugs...

carole xo

MaryCos profile image
MaryCos in reply to kokopelli2017

I'll send you an email to get us started! Will save my response for our private chat. 🙂

kokopelli2017 profile image
kokopelli2017 in reply to MaryCos

thumbs up!!

MaryCos profile image
MaryCos in reply to kokopelli2017

You got mail!

kokopelli2017 profile image
kokopelli2017 in reply to MaryCos

back atcha😉

MaryCos profile image
MaryCos in reply to kokopelli2017

😆

SeattleMom profile image
SeattleMom

Dearest Carole,

Your post had such an impact on me as I read it this evening. I am literally near tears as I read your story and wish that I could just reach out and hug you and try to provide some comfort.

I was diagnosed with BC in 2000, "home free" for 17 years and then wham! it was back and metastasized to my spine and iliac. I had a petscan today (not my first) and my metastases have progressed throughout my spine and ribs and even a spot on my liver now. It's been almost 4 1/2 years since my MBC diagnosis and sadly, there's not been a day that it's not entered my mind (how could it with all the meds, never ending blood draws, scans and the anxiety that it instills?)

Like you, I have two adult children, a 31-year old son and a 28-year old daughter. Both are engaged; my son will be married in October but my daughter has no firm date in mind. I am saddened that I will likely never know the joy of being a grandmother like you. But like you, I once had a life so filled with joy and energy. I was divorced ten years ago but my ex-husband has remained a constant friend (without benefits) LOL! It's hard to believe that I haven't dated at all since my divorce; I think I focused all my love and energy into my children and truly had no interest in adding a new relationship to the family. I have two beloved sisters (one a twin) who are also constants in my life.

I guess I just wanted to let you know that your story has impacted me in such a personal way. My heart aches for all of us burdened by this horrific disease. Please know that I care and that you will be in my prayers tonight. Love to you, Carole.

Linda in Seattle

kokopelli2017 profile image
kokopelli2017 in reply to SeattleMom

hi Linda. wow. i almost don't know where to start. thank you so much for your extremely touching reply. i actually did tear up reading. not a good day for you and yet you still reached out to support me in such a sweet and caring way. thank you!!! i am so sorry to hear your pet scan showed liver progression yesterday. a bit of a sucker punch when you have been 'bone only' for so long :(. i will be praying that your new med change does it's job!

we have lots in common, both being diagnosed at same time in oct/nov 2017 and both with mets to spine and iliac. and now we are both 4.5 years in. and unfortunately, both with progression. i was 'bone only' until a few months ago when i developed 9 mets to

supraclavicular lymph nodes in left side of neck, that are growing fast and confirmed by ct scan. obviously not the same as an organ but shows that it is on the move. i am on letrozole and tri-monthly zometa and have been all along. and on a personal level, we are both doing this cancer thing without a partner.

i am totally switching gears here but i read some of your post/replies and i love that you have your eyebrows tattooed. i too did the same but it was a several years ago and i am badly in need of a touch up. but i am obsessed with eyebrows. maybe because when i lost them during chemo, it bothering me more than my hair. they define your face. without them, i felt like my face just disappeared. that is how i felt anyways. so there i was, someone who did not wear much makeup, trying to figure out how to 'draw' them on from scratch with no outline of where they should go exactly. the first ones looked like caterpillars on my forehead.....hahaha. but finally got the hang of it. after treatment ended, i tattooed and i was hooked! so now if someone shares with me they have a friend or relative who is recently diagnosed with BC, i recommend to tell their person to have their eyebrows tattooed before they start treatment! i wish someone had told me ;).

i am heading into dangerously long mode if i don't stop now. or maybe already too late!

thank you again Linda for your beautiful reply.

love and hugs.....

carole xo

shanynpie profile image
shanynpie

You are an amazing person. You are strong and you must stay strong. You have come a long way and not everyone can do that. With that said, I just want to say no matter where you are with your condition you must look also to alternative stuff and incorporate it. Not sure if you have done any. For instance looking to THC/CBD FOR pain relief instead. Detox the chemical from your body and get lots of nutrients if you haven't done so. Also look up stuff about pschyoemotional to see if you can figure out what caused the cancer. Look in to Reike treatments. Look up Dr Zack Bush or truth about cancer. Best wishes for you.

kokopelli2017 profile image
kokopelli2017 in reply to shanynpie

hi shanynpie. thank you for all that....very sweet and thoughtful of you!hugs...

carole xo

TNBC16 profile image
TNBC16

Hi Carole, not sure if you know about the support groups (virtual and telephone) as well as a dedicated MBC Helpline offered by SHAREcancersupport.org. These services are provided by others living with MBC and are free. There may be some resources in your area that can be helpful to you, as well as others who are there to listen and support you. This is an amazing group and I see you have had many responses to your post. Please hang in there and reach out to the above mentioned support services if you feel it would be helpful to you. Christine

kokopelli2017 profile image
kokopelli2017 in reply to TNBC16

hi Christine. thanks so much for that helpful info. good to know!carole xo

TwithBC profile image
TwithBC

Oh Carole — I have read every word you typed. I newer have good advice on here everyone else in here … but I just have to reach out with my heart. You are in my heart and in my prayers tonight…

kokopelli2017 profile image
kokopelli2017 in reply to TwithBC

thank you....very sweet!carole xo

kokopelli2017 profile image
kokopelli2017

hi Sandra. thanks for the 'welcome' note...so nice of you! have been reading posts for a long time now...lol....and know you are also an RN and a wealth of knowledge....oncology not my speciality....at least not professionally: ). happy to hear your husband is by your side throughout....i'm sure that is comforting, especially in the hard moments. and someone to bike with....yay! have to say you made me giggle when you mentioned my sustained grief was not 'normal or healthy' as my entire life, none of my friends or family would ever describe me as 'normal'....haha. have always beat to my own drum...not necessarily a bad thing😉. anyways, my therapist assures me that my current depression is actually appropriate, given the present circumstances. i actually was not depressed the first 3 years after my mbc diagnosis....not until my spine went quickly south, i lost most ability to walk, severely deformed, and pain uncontrollable. i imagine only i can judge my quality of life at the moment.

can't wait for the warmer weather, i picture myself sitting on my cute little patio. last place i rented didn't have one so i am excited for that.

hugs...

carole xo

Puppy_love profile image
Puppy_love

Oh dear what a warrior you are. You really touched me and I’m hoping and praying that you have the courage to continue to keep your dignity as a beautiful person.

kokopelli2017 profile image
kokopelli2017 in reply to Puppy_love

thanks Annette....so very sweet of you! and best wishes to you in your pursuit of answers!hugs.....

carole xo

Bettybuckets profile image
Bettybuckets

Hi Carole-bettybucketlist here ( Beth) I am very sad to hear that you are suffering so much you right so plainly about all that has befallen you. I’m glad you have your two kids and the grandsons in your life. Will get caught up with your other posts.

kokopelli2017 profile image
kokopelli2017

hi Beth. (bettybucketlist is fitting, yet cute nickname). traveling to Italy was on my 'bucket' list but realistically not going to happen. I barely make it out of the house due to my increased inability to walk and severe pain. and going solo on this mbc journey makes my challenge even more so. although for reduced rent, my roommate is very helpful with chores I can no longer do (laundry, cooking, cleaning, groc shopping etc). and my sister and daughter help with showers and hair washing. none of my 'real' clothes fit and I live in pj bottoms and easy fit shirts. I used to love 'fashion' and it gets me down at times. but I cannot push through the pain. not sure how long I can continue this suffering and find myself contemplating end of life strategies more frequently.... but not quite there yet. some days worse than others. bottom line, I am a deformed cripple dealing with a lot of pain. presently on 150mg of long acting morphine and 180mg of oxycodone short acting and pain still not controlled.

I adore my grandchildren and presently, they are my motivation to make it to the next day. I do have one friend that still visits every couple of months but the rest have disappeared....and I get it. most of my socialization is from corresponding on this site...and thankful for that. I write about my issues occasionally but not often. I know this site prefers positivity and try to keep my complaining to a minimum. plus I am already living this life and don't need to be writing about it all the time as well. and of course I realize that many others are in a tough spot as well.

thank you Beth for your kind words.....

carole XO

Puppy_love profile image
Puppy_love

I’m so sorry for your struggles. I’m hoping somehow you have something in your days to make you smile or laugh. Did Cancer make you crippled? Please take care of you.

kokopelli2017 profile image
kokopelli2017 in reply to Puppy_love

hi puppy_love. thank you for your caring thoughts. I was diagnosed with mbc almost 5 years ago with bone mets to my spine, pelvis and sternum. for the first 3 years I was still active and standing straight and walking fine....and even dancing. but over time, the cancer caused my spine to start collapsing.....and has continued to progress. there is another woman on this board who has similar issue and she also has the deformity and collapsing spine and now in wheelchair.....and also has severe pain. not good for her but made me feel less alone that someone else was experiencing the same struggle. I call her my 'spine sister'. mbc so tricky and we all react differently.

how are you doing? did you ever solve the mystery of ILD and whether you have that or covid related lung issues? hoping it was the latter🙏. and hoping it has resolved?

best wishes.....

carole XO

Puppy_love profile image
Puppy_love

No one knows what I have in my lungs. I’m going again to the pulmonologist. I have another are now that looks like inflammation and scarring but I was very sick in April with a terrible bacterial infection in my lungs. What I don’t like is that no one knows what it’s from or what it is. My cancer is stable which I’m happy about but the lungs is disturbing. I know I should be grateful for not having any lung symptoms like coughing or short of breath. Thank you for writing back and the spine sisters 👯 keep rocking on! God bless you

kokopelli2017 profile image
kokopelli2017 in reply to Puppy_love

hi again.....I sent my latest reply to me instead of you. oopsie.

kokopelli2017 profile image
kokopelli2017

how frustrating to not know the details regarding your lungs 😡. I wish they could figure that out. sorry to hear that they haven't....I would find it disturbing as well. and also sorry to hear about your bad lung infection in April. well at least I can say I'm happy to hear your cancer is stable...that part is great news👍.cute emoji on spine sisters....lol.

sending a hug....💛

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