Feeling type of way

[mjmom]

I was talking to an ex-coworker who fought breast cancer in 2016. I told her that I was dx with stage IV. She kept saying she was blessed, all she had to get was a lumpectomy. It made me feel feel a little jealous. I’m happy for her but it was her tone and she said it multiple times. 🤷🏽‍♀️

[Dima_]

It’s ok to feel that. Some people don’t think about their words’ impact.

Live your life and be happy whatever it takes ❤️

[nstonerocks]

I looked twice to see if this was a friend of yours, because the response was so callous. Like you, I’m happy for her. But this was about you. I’d put this person on the do not share list. Your feelings are normal. Wouldn’t we all like to be “cured?” I’m more selective whom I share with after 4 years of being Stage 4. I wish I hadn’t told some of the people I did. Now I share with few people. Only true friends who are invested in me. Something to bear in mind when you decide to share this information. Sorry your feelings were trounced. Sending a hug 🤗

[NPmary in reply to nstonerocks]

I totally agree. My best self always believes that people are doing the best they can under whatever circumstances they are dealing with - that said I share with so very few now- I am tired of being the understanding, emotionally supportive person to everyone, most especially to people who have had breast cancer and any day can become one of the 30% of us who get stage Iv, NBC @$^&###!*%%!

[nstonerocks in reply to NPmary]

Yes. Limits and boundaries are good. We have to protect our feelings and personal information. Sometimes/a lot of times, this changes how people view you. I’m a person, not a disease and I’m not dead yet. 😇

[NPmary in reply to nstonerocks]

YES.

[mjmom]

Thank you ladies for the encouraging words 🤗

[Hidden]

Hi,

I'm really shocked and saddened to hear what this lady said to you. Having gone through breast cancer herself she should have been sensitive to your feelings. There was no need for her to be so hurtful. The fact she said it multiple times shows that she was bragging about being cured, while you are living with this disease. I would be very careful who you share your diagnosis with in future. Sadly, some people show their true colours at times like this.

Take care,

Sophie ❤

[mariootsi]

So sorry but I'm learning most people just don't get it. Thank God the women here do or I would be lost with no one to really understand.

[Terilyn12 in reply to mariootsi]

I struggle with that too sometimes. You are happy for the “non stage 4’rs”, but I don’t think even they understand MBC. I try to answer every question so my friends and family can understand. So often I get “I have a friend who beat breast cancer so I know you will too”. Most of the time I just say thank you , but frustrating!!

[mariootsi in reply to Terilyn12]

Absolutely.

[Julie2233]

People can be incredibly insensitive and thoughtless. I think my wicked side would have been tempted to tell her about the theory of cancer sleeper cells which don't respond to initial treatment and lie dormant for years before reappearing, and the theory that no one is ever really cured. But you are obviously a far nicer person who wouldn't be so cruel or insensitive.

Though I think if she said repeatedly that she had been blessed she may have been trying to convince herself that she was going to be ok, she's only 2+ years down the road from her diagnosis. She's still going to be scared. Perhaps she wasn't boasting just trying to reassure herself (without thinking of your feelings) that what has happened to us wasn't going to happen to her. Because of our diagnosis we have had to face this and with modern and developing meds know it's not necessarily as black as we once feared, she doesn't have that. Of course she might just be an unpleasant, self obsessed, insensitive person who is best avoided in future. 😊

[mjmom in reply to Julie2233]

It crossed my mine to tell her about the cancer cells but I was being good😃 I’m learning to stay away from toxic people.

[Julie2233 in reply to mjmom]

This disease has taught me to smile sweetly and walk away, just saying what I would like to in my head. I think you were very good not to mention it 😊

[nstonerocks in reply to mjmom]

Yes lots of hard earned lessons with this.

[mariootsi in reply to mjmom]

That is one of the best lessons learned in life. Stay away from toxic people. They zap your energy and spread negativity. Nobody needs that!

[NPmary in reply to mjmom]

Good for you.

[Juliandrea]

Wow!! Just when you think you have heard it all. Not sure what kind of person she is, but I do know that her mouth runs way before her head. I agree that she is trying to convince herself that all will be ok with her. She knows just as well as we do that cancer is never cured, and the fear is always there that it will come back. I am sorry you had to deal with this. I have had similar conversations with people. We are blessed as well in that we know where we stand, we are strong enough to deal with things as they come, we have many treatments that will keep us here for a very long time and we have found this site with amazing ladies who are the only people We want to talk about this with because they understand completely.

[MMMP]

She is blessed until it returns for her- no such thing as cancer free!!!

[mariootsi in reply to MMMP]

I know. But I did believe that 5 years "free" and you are all set. Ha, boy was I wrong! As a matter of fact the advertisement for my cancer center says "Closer to Free."

[Have-faith]

Sometimes people say stupid things out of ignorance. Their intentions are not to be hurtful, but their words can sting. Qhen I was diagnosed 15 months ago, stage 4 without any precious health issues I called a former roommate who had dealt with thyroid cancer and is now in remission. Infact, I went to one of her oncologist appointments with her when she came to NY for this special second opinion. So imagine my shock when she asked me how long I had to live!? What?? From a cancer survivor? I was flawed, but calmly responded "Well I dont know. Do you know how long you have to live?" I didn't expect her to say something this stupid and insensitive. Anyone can get hit by a car tomorrow. Who knows. God only knows.

[nstonerocks in reply to Have-faith]

OMG!

[NPmary in reply to nstonerocks]

Oh my . . .

[mjmom in reply to Have-faith]

Why are people so insensitive?? That’s crazy.

[Nananewf54]

Dont be jealous. She probably was over whelmened or something and never meant to hurt you .. We all have different ways off trying to deal with this awful diease. I myself has breast in 2016 also and it hit me so danm hard ..now i have MBC.in my bones ..lungs and everywhere . i would never wish this shit on any human being.it very hard and painful as like now its 1.40 am in Mississauga .Ontario..Canada and i cant sleep. . took pain meds and even a 50gr off CBD brownie for pain. Just not kicking it . Seen my onoligist today and my bones has got worst and not sure what hes going do next .. Back on my Chemo ..Ibrance tomorrow for round 5 ..but not doing much for my bone pain.. Hope to kerp getting better . Good luck to u also. We need each other ..

[SeattleMom]

My opinion? She sounds very insensitive and, if I were you, I’d avoid her like the plague! She couldn’t be clearer: “I’m lucky—and you’re NOT!” It’s sad that sometimes we learn compassion from bad examples. God bless you, mjmom! You are blessed by the empathy and caring of the wonderful women on this website! XXOO Linda

[Hidden in reply to SeattleMom]

Hi Linda,

I agree with you! I feel exactly the same. Whether she meant to be unkind or not, her message was very loud and clear, boasting about how "blessed" she had been to overcome early stage breast cancer. I have had people say similar things to me too. It starts off with, "I know how you feel. I had breast cancer too" and then it moves on to how they have beaten the disease. I'm so glad I can connect with women from around the world who know what it's really like living with this disease.

Sophie x

[Hidden]

So insensitive - but it happens all the time, I find. Yes you just have to grit your teeth and walk away. However well-meaning people are sometimes they foot-in-mouth disease - I suppose we all do - but at least one can blow off steam here!

[laurac1014]

Yeah, that was me, the first time. I feel she may not meant anything by it, a lot of people don't understand this disease. I told my daughter if she were to get breast cancer I would want her to get a double mastectomy (and maybe tattoos instead of reconstruction )and perhaps not have to deal with it coming back this way.

[PLASEM]

There are people who sometimes make us feel bad the way they talk or what they said, I have someone who told me that she knew somebody who has advanced cancer but He seems very happy and looks healthy and she thinks because of his personality and character I felt that She was telling me that I have to change the way I behave.

My coworker and I had breast cancer on 2014 and both us had mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiation and July 2017 I started with breast cancer stage IV and She still doing good and I wish I could still be free of cancer too and I do not wish nothing bad for her, I do not want compare with others but I am human

Take care and God bless you

[NPmary in reply to PLASEM]

Sorry you are in this club. Glad you are here? PLASEM. Sending my love and prayers.

[PLASEM in reply to NPmary]

Thanks

[caw517]

Sometimes even friends just say the wrong thing. All of us that have breast cancer have to know that each and every case is totally different. It's also important to know that it is an unpredictable disease. 22 years ago at the age of 40 I had a mastectomy and chemo-- then 13 years later radiation for local recurrence. Friends said to me they thought I had been cured--- clearly not !! And then 2 years ago -- metastasized to my bones -- and friends again were confused. I have tried to explain how insidious this disease is but some choose not to understand -- and I do mean choose! And still others think if I'm not dying right now I can't have MBC. So what does all this mean-- be true to yourself and your care and only keep close those who can support and really understand. Fortunately most of my family and two dear friends fit that category. To others, I smile and move on …..

[barbarac76]

Your "friend" is beyond insensitive. So self-absorbed.

[Sunnydaz]

We could all write a book on the stupid/insensitive things people say. So sorry you were treated this way. She should have known better.

xo

[gingergirl2]

I can completely understand where you are coming from. In my mind I know that people don’t realize what they’re saying at times and don’t mean it how it comes out, but you just want to say “Really?? How stupid can you be? Do you ever even think about what you’re saying???”. I had someone tell me once that God knew how strong I was and that I could handle things because if she ever got cancer she would have a complete meltdown. I didn’t even know how to respond because I was so blown away by the stupidity and complete lack of sensitivity in what she had just said. So God knew I was strong so He’s “let” me have cancer three times and this last time it’s MBC??? I just absolutely can’t even with people sometimes. Thank goodness we can vent on here with each other or we would go insane.

[NPmary in reply to gingergirl2]

I hate God-Blaming.

If you don't already share some degree of faith with someone then you should use discretion before sharing anything and then only share what is loving and affirmative (God is Love, in my opinion). This goes for all the terrible funeral comments as well.

I usually don't go ranting on and on on these posts or anywhere else. Thanks for letting me and for listening!!!

Blessings, Mary.

[gingergirl2]

I’m also sitting here having my first infusion of Doxil because nothing else has been working. I found out I had MBC in January, 2018... mets to liver and bones. I’m feeling depressed and discouraged right now.

[NPmary in reply to gingergirl2]

I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I hope the treatment stops the progression in its tracks and that you don't suffer bad side effects or complications. It's ok to feel all the feelings. Love you and praying for you, Gingergirl2 (pretty name). Mary

[Reallyno]

It is sad that she replied that, sadder still most of us at one time thought we had beat it also. Maybe she is just scared,if you're came here might.

[gingergirl2]

Thank you so much, girlsptz. I realize that my two posts sounded negative and bitter. I don’t want to feel that way, but today I do. I can’t tell you how much being on here with all of you fabulous ladies has helped. We are all in this together and are here for each other. It’s a wonderful feeling to know that we are absolutely not alone in this. Love and hugs.

[RLN-overcomer]

Greetings: Sister/warrior we can't control the things that people who have no empathy, or discretion may say or do, especially if they are not your loved ones. I am sure we have all said things, we wish we could take back. We are all imperfect. I will say, this is a person you need to distance yourself from. If a person can not add to your joy, especially in times of challenge you definitely need to remove them from your life. I don't think she would have continued to make those comments if it was a close relative, her mom, her dad or a sister she loved, unless she is a narcissistic sociopath. I had a girlfriend who would just speak her mind, and even point out things that she considered flaws in her friends. Well after having a couple of talks with her, me, and another friend have no, or very little communication with her. Some people can't see their flaws, and some people try to feel better about themselves when they can try to put other people down. I do pray God will place people, and loved ones around you who will add, and not subtract from your joy as you navigate this journey Amen XoXoXoXo

[Snowcone16]

Honestly, it’s hard. I don’t think they do it to be mean but it is likely insecurity. These are 4 examples of stage 2 responses I’ve received:

*first was 20 questions about what meds and treatments I did. And I know why, I used to think the same but never asked. She was likely trying to find something that we did not have in common. This was probably fear that it could happen to her.

*second person assumed I was stage 2. She looked horrified to hear me say stage 4. I had to reassure her “it’s ok. I’m doing well”. It was definitely an unexpected response for me.

*third was normal. We discussed our treatments. She said she was nervous, offered me hope.

*last was normal. To her stage didn’t matter. She was recovering from stage 2 but relieved and happy to have someone to talk. Apparently she really didn’t know anyone else who had BC

But, yes, I also get jealous sometimes too. If someone just seems mean, or careless about nutrition, driving, whichever then I’ve had moments where I’ve said “and I’m the one with MBC?!”

Acknowledge the emotion but let it pass.

❤️

[Klamato in reply to Snowcone16]

Amen and Amen! Be you, be kind! That's all!

[Klamato]

Being cocky is not the way to be sensitive with someone like us who are going through 4th stage breast cancer, but some people just don't get it! I was cancer free after a stage one, and lumpectomy for 7 years with no symptoms and a pain in my rib brought me to my doctor an lo and behold I had tumors in my spine, lung, and liver! One never knows what and where this cancer can go, so it's not wise to be too cocky! Take care of YOU and be sensitive to others and let the comments come and go. Prayer is the answer to it all! Good luck, my friend. Kathy

[Sunnydaz]

Omg! I thought I’d heard everything. That’s just terrible. So sorry for your experience. 😢❤️

[Hidden]

I too am startled by comments. I know some folks are bad at this and aren’t sure what to say. But good grief! Sorry. It’s completely understandable to have your reaction.

[Hidden]

You’re a nicer person than I. I probably would’ve said something just to vent.

[NPmary]

Oh my goodness @#%^%%#@

[nstonerocks]

Geeze. A comment like that can make you plummet. Takes a lot to recover from that. I’m so sorry. I truly don’t know what people are thinking or if they are thinking. Wonder what she’ll say next Christmas?

[nstonerocks]

It's not crazy. It is like a mantra of the fear you're experiencing while you wait for the results. My scans are coming up in a few weeks. It takes A LOT of mental energy to keep yourself in check. I have tried to adopt the advice of one person on this board who wishes "to make known what needs to be known." I keep busy. I try to meditate, but the shadow is always there. We are talking about our lives here. Let us know how it goes. Sending a hug and positive energy.

[Godbeforme]

So sorry that happened to you! Speaking of ruthless people, my internal med doc told me the other day that I wouldn't last over 10 years! This came out of the blue after I was telling him how well I was doing in treatment; he was angry because hubby and I had dual appts. and I had questioned his wanting to put my hubby on eliquis AND plavix after he had a heart attack the other day, so I feel that is why he hurled the insult. He had an ultrasound that morning and they gave him a lipid injection to be able to see the heart walls better. It was after that injection he went into afib and had the heart attack. He had no chest pains whatsoever before that, so we're thinking it caused it. Back to his ugly remark, I told him he doesn't know that and only God knows when our time will be up. I'm still fuming obviously, Lord, help me to forgive him and move on. God bless you and heal us all in Jesus name, amen!

[Pollingxx]

Jesus absolutely insensitive .... not a clue

Merry Christmas to her 🙄