It’s 3 a.m., and I’m wide awake. I’m giddy with excitement and scared. I am 41 years old and tomorrow feels like the first day of school all over again. Only it isn’t. Tomorrow is my first day back at the hospital where I work as a surgeon. Tomorrow is also my first day back at work after chemotherapy.
Two months ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I underwent bilateral mastectomies with reconstruction and came back to work after being out for six weeks. The only things different about me were the scars on my chest and the fact that my breasts felt like water balloons. But everyone else didn’t know.
Tomorrow is different. I am bald. I can’t hide it anymore, and I am terrified of everyone’s reaction. There is no more pretending that nothing happened; my colleagues, the residents, the medical students, and, most importantly, my patients will know that I have undergone a life-altering change. I don’t want to be defined by my disease, but my appearance is now defined by my treatment.
What scares me most is people’s pity because I don’t want it. I just want to go back to operating and leading some semblance of my life prior to this nightmare starting.
Hi Kevin, isn’t it too soon to return to workplace right after chemo? How many injection did you get? Normally, we need to take at least one additional month before start working again (I mean for those who are not stage 4).
Everyone diagnosed with breast cancer has their own unique experience. We have similarities: the double mastectomy, the chemo. I've been diagnosed twice now .. so I've also had an additional lumpectomy and radiation. You don't want pity. None of us do. You want to get back to work. What I've learned is that there is a new normal. (New hair, new aches and pains, new outlook on life, new schedule of appointments, new worries, new energy level, new friendships, new body image, new way of dressing, etc.) All of the wonderful things we have planned for our lives .. get detours and road blocks. But you have determination and will get back on track quickly. I also was not fond of pink! And all of the October pink made me post chemo nauseated. But now that years have past, I was kind of disappointed this year to see less pink than I remembered fresh out of chemo when it was in my face at every turn. And on the note of control, we don't know when we will need a kind word or a hard day of work and sometimes when we need a kind word all we get is a long day of work. We also can't predict (or choose) how others will respond to our cancer diagnosis or our bald head. During my chemo, at a restaurant, a gentleman ran towards me to redirect me to the men's bathroom. He really thought I was going in the wrong bathroom. On the way out, a woman was coming in to the bathroom and did a double look at the label on the door because she thought I was a guy. There were many hurtful experiences in that regard but I understood where they were coming from. We can choose to be gracious or standoffish. But remember, relationships are built when we feel we can relate and have something in common. When my cousin lost her father in a car crash that paralyzed her .. it wasn't until my cancer that she felt we had something in common .. a medical struggle. It sounds like you have contact with many people who are going through a medical struggle. Maybe they will relate and confide more deeply with you as you expose your vulnerability. Relationships and emotional health are very important just as the competency and accuracy is that you bring to the surgical room. It is ok to be bald. (I never wore a wig .. I would have felt fake. My head was tender when the hair fell out and my hot flashes were so strong that I would have pulled my hair (wig) off in public which would have been just too odd.) And we don't have to feel like a 'survivor' or relate to being 'brave' or any of the slogans people use when painting us pink. Just be yourself and be ok with others being themselves. I hope your first couple of days back at work have been all that you wanted and more. I hope that when you do need to talk or celebrate or reminisce, that you have people in your life who are ready to meet you where you are. But there is no need to ignore it. It is a real experience. Although it doesn't define you or limit you, it can certainly help you grow and others heal. People will take your lead. They won't know what to say. We are all just stumbling through this life .. despite our well thought out plans. We get back up and dust ourselves off and do our best.
I loved your first sentence. It is so very true. I can tell from your story it comes from your heart and experience. Keep on sharing and cheering us on. You are needed in our corner. Thank you for your story.
I am them same, not interested in being "cancer girl" so I havent told a lot of people. I can do that because my appearance has not changed, nothing to remove (original BC tumor "dissolved" on its own), no radiation of big dose of chemo, just daily chemo and hormone treatment. My very best to you.
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