Day 38 – seven weeks, three days and one hiccup - and I really struggled over the weekend. Don’t know of a particular reason but it was bad, bad, bad. Climbing the walls on Saturday pm and Sunday, could and nearly did go outside to bang my head against the outside wall. Just couldn’t seem to settle to do anything, reading, knitting or even blogging, which is just not me at all – I can usually (won’t say normally because one thing I ain’t is normal!) blog anywhere, any time and at the least little excuse but not this weekend.
Five times I raided my hubby’s pocket for his lighter. Five times I made excuses to go outside. Five times I went through his ashtray to find the biggest tab end to smoke and five times I failed to light it and take one single solitary puff. Don’t ask me why because I don’t know it was like there was someone or something not letting me take that final step. I can’t explain it unless of course it was all of you sending your positive vibes or maybe it was a bit like Peter Pan and Tinkerbell – you remember where everyone had to believe in fairies for Tinkerbell to live and perhaps you were all saying you believed in me and that I didn’t need or want to smoke. But whatever or whoever it may have been I am really grateful that I didn’t give in and light up and I have survived yet again but only by the skin of my teeth (now that is a very old phrase that I haven’t heard in years!).
Whichever way you look at it, I have managed to stay ‘clean’ and I make no apology for saying again, without all of you this would not have been possible. But now, due to my own stupidity I can’t say that any more as I can’t face any of you because of my behaviour and I just do not want to smoke again but the temptation is so great. I think it was the thought of you all going through the same (or even worse) things that I am but not ‘partaking of the weed’ that kept me strong and I suppose the philosophy was that if you could do it then so could I! I’ve thrown away something vital – support of good people who know exactly what it is like – only when we’ve lost something do we appreciate exactly what we had. We all help each other and it’s a valuable lesson that needs teaching outside this little group that would perhaps make the world a better place for everyone.
There is a song (originally by the Bee Gees I think if my memory is correct but there are plenty of cover versions) and I think the title was 1st May but am not too sure. Some of the lines of this song are:-
“When I was small and Christmas trees were tall”
“We used to love while others used to play”
“Don’t ask me why, but time has passed us by”
I’ve spent a lot over the last few days thinking about when I was small, a pastime I indulge in more and more the older I get and I did wonder if anyone else was the same? We can’t change the past and what happens in the future no one knows and as someone sent me these words on a present you can blame them for this particular blog but does anyone else wonder just what their life would have been like had they made different choices all those years ago? Actually, more to the point would we have made different choices and/or decisions or would we have done exactly the same? I think the answer to that depends on whether we have hindsight or not as with hindsight then possibly things would have certainly been different but without it then maybe not. What’s done is done and we can’t change it but it doesn’t stop you wondering, does it?
Take now for instance, the choice to stop smoking has been made for some of us for a long time and the road they are on is relatively smooth (providing they don’t live in Kirklees!) although sometimes there may be a very small pothole. For others, who are well into their journey the road has less twists, turns, bumps, obstacles and potholes than when they first started out but there are a few more potholes on their road than the long timers road. For us just setting out on our journey, there are numerous twists, turns, bumps, obstacles and major potholes and we certainly have a long and arduous trek ahead of us with many perils to overcome. We do however have a distinct advantage though, in that we have those that have gone before us to help, give advice and in some respects, guide us so that our journey is smoother but not necessarily all plain sailing. I liken some of our journey to when we were young – we learn by our mistakes and sometimes that is the best way to learn. I can remember my parents saying “don’t do that as you’ll hurt yourself” but I did it anyway and yes, it did hurt, but they were always there to comfort me and that’s how everyone is on this forum, it’s what love is all about being there for each other all the time whether it be a sad or a happy occasion.
I see the people on here as my friends and know that they will always be there for everyone. There’s always at least one able to come to our aid at just about any time, morning, afternoon or night. They listen to our ‘tale of woe’ but never, ever judge us. They tell us we won’t be the first or the last to be caught this way by Mr. Nic but we have to show him that we can get back on course and that this little blip is not going to stop us succeeding in achieving our goal of stopping smoking. In fact, they tell us if anything it is going to make us stronger as if there is a next time, we will be better prepared.
I can remember one time walking round my home town with my parents and there being a group of men sitting outside the local market on the benches meant for shoppers. They were all drinking from plastic cider bottles and they had obviously had quite a lot to drink. I can remember that one of them came up to my Dad and called him by his name. My Dad sent me and my Mum on ahead of him and I remember looking back and seeing my Dad give the man some money. When he caught up with us I asked him why he had done what he did and all he said was “There but for the grace of God, go I”. It was not until many years later that I fully and truly understood why he had not only given the man money but and to me, more importantly, why he said what he did.
I first started smoking when I was in secondary school. I suppose I did it to ‘belong’ for want of a better word. I didn’t make friends easily and in a sense, I suppose I didn’t really know how to make friends – this is not said to gain sympathy but just the truth so no violins or cellos please. Up until going to secondary school I had always had my sister and my parents so ‘friend’ or ‘friends’ were just words to me they had no other relevance and were not important. Going to secondary school meant that you were a teenager and at that time in my life, everything or just about everything was a big deal so to go up to secondary school with no best friend and no actual friends made me stick out like the proverbial sore thumb and thus I became somewhat of a loner. The other kids thought I was creepy and a freak so avoiding me at all times was the order of each and every day. Hence, I took to smoking because becoming a smoker meant that I could join in with them that smoked and also hang out with them and be one of them – in essence, I belonged! The truth was they welcomed me with open arms because I always seemed to have quite a number of cigs and I didn’t mind sharing. Little did I know that my downward spiral had already started its journey nor was I aware of how far/low it would take me.
I can still remember the tobacconists in our town. Unlike nowadays, all it sold was smoking paraphernalia – cigarettes; cigars; loose tobacco; snuff; lighters; pipes and so much more. Gosh, you name it if it had to do with smoking they sold it, it truly was an Aladdin’s cave for the smoker! However, to me and the others in the smoker gang, the best thing it sold was single cigarettes and it would sell them to anybody – yes, even us school kids in full uniform. I spent many a dinner hour queuing up to get my 3 or 4 ciggies and I can assure you that there were many more from the same and other schools in the same queue! The shop owner obviously had no conscience and certainly made some money out of us kids. It’s a pity there weren’t the stringent laws that are in place now back then as it may have saved a lot of kids from going down the smoking path.
I can remember saying something in an earlier blog that I can recall quite clearly the first time I smoked/inhaled cigarette smoke properly. I was just about 14 and it was a lunch time and I took the smoke back and coughed and coughed and coughed! It hurt my throat and I felt sick and giddy, my eyes were watering because I had coughed so much and I even went a little ‘green around the gills’ but I had to ‘save face’ so I carried on smoking that cigarette right to the end and that was it – the point of no return for me. I was well and truly into smoking now – I truly belonged with the smokers and there was not going to be any return from this as I was hooked. Mr. Nic had me and he fully intended to keep me! Prior to that dinnertime as I had never smoked ‘properly’, I had never smoked at home, never smoked at weekends or nights but all that changed on that fateful day. In fact, my life was changed forever, it was not my own anymore, it could, would and did, only get worse and it would be many, many years before I realised that.
How did I start smoking? Well, it’s all there – so easy to do so hard to stop. Being young and foolish is no excuse and even I think looking back, how could I have been so stupid? Why did I start the horrible, filthy habit? Uhh, stupidity meant that I wanted (or perhaps that should be needed) to belong to someone, some people or something but the way I chose to go was one or possibly thee biggest mistake of my young life and it has cost me dearly over the years. Being old is also no excuse either as over the years I have simply carried on smoking because it was easier than stopping and I just wonder how many of you are the same in that you’ve carried on because it is so much easier than to stop?
My sister was always trying different diets when I was a teenager – we were both weighty but being the smoker (my sister was never one) I found the easiest way to lose weight was to have 2 cigarettes instead of 1 cake and 1 cigarette and I am ashamed to admit that this would not be the last time that I used/resorted to this method of losing weight. I can remember my sister saying “I would kill for a bun” and just recently, I know exactly how she felt apart from the fact that you have to change one of the words and I wonder if any of you can guess which one?
When we were young, we were small and Christmas trees were tall and we didn’t really know or particularly care that much as to how our life would turn out. After all, that was for OLD people and oh it was so far away from us and the here and now. There was no vote and no alcohol until you were 21 and I think the same applied to the purchase of cigarettes but am not 100% sure on that. We were kids and being 21 (which we, alright I, thought was a grown up) seemed light years away and when we got there, we would sort it out then. All we wanted to do now was have fun and PRETEND to be grown up by … uhhh, smoking. I couldn’t wait to get to 21 and people warned me that once you got there the years flew by but as you do when you are young you listen but you don’t hear. It is very true though that it does not seem that long ago that I was just 21 but it’s nearly 40 years! God, where does the time go? Please, oh please, stop the world I want to get off!!!
I took to smoking like a duck takes to water – very quickly and soon had it off to a fine art. I suppose what really did me in – besides my own stupidity that is – is being told to lose weight or die! Not a very nice thing to be told at any age but even when you’re only 14 that sentence really stops you in your tracks and for once in your young life, you actually listen. As I say, I was 14, 5’ 5” tall and weighed nearer 19 stone than 18. I couldn’t walk from one classroom to the one immediately next door without being out of breath so that tells you how bad I was. That’s when cigarettes for me came into their own because I used to have cigs instead of food. On a dinner time, I used to smoke three – starter, main course and pudding! The back of the bike shed at my school most days looked like it was on fire as there was that much smoke rising above roof level!! Five years later, I was down to 8 stone 9 lbs. but I had a 40 a day habit which would stay with me for nearly 40 years and cost me a lot and not just in money.
So there you have it folks, how I started smoking and a lot of other boring stuff. I have achieved what 3 months ago I would have said was impossible and my success is down to you, all of you, for your help, guidance and support.
You are true friends and worth more to me than you will ever know and I thank you from the bottom of my heart and my nearly fully teddy bear piggy bank. To date I have saved just based on buying a 10 pack a day, a staggering £190 so with your continued help and support, roll on retirement and the cakes (of all descriptions) will then be definitely on me!
I have probably sent 99.9% of you to sleep already apart from those who saw the blog title and who had written it and thought “God, not her again – I’m not reading that” and logged out and closed your computer down pretty sharpish but if I’ve entertained and kept some of you from lighting up that pleases me and makes it worthwhile.
I will close with the blog title ‘DO NOT LOOK BACK’ over your past smoking life ‘LOOK TO THE FUTURE’ which is so very much brighter and clearer. What’s done is done and more important is what we can achieve together as together we can and are doing this and it will be so worth it and that is a promise!
Take care everyone, good night and sweet dreams.
Kath (Buttons52)
Don't forget, you are choosing not to smoke. 
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