Practice what I preach – the phrase may be old but it is still very easy to say to others but so damned hard to do yourself!!!!
Someone has very kindly said that my blogs help a lot of people on this forum so, if that is the case, why don’t they help me, the writer. At the time of writing they do – honestly they do – but as soon as one is finished I feel so flat and lifeless that it’s an effort to do anything else at all except of course write another blog so here we have yet another from me and perhaps this one will make people think – no more ohh pleaseee!!!! No more! But what the heck, it don’t cost anything to write them and maybe someone will read this one and perhaps even the next one and I really do need to keep busy and whilst composing and typing them they actually take my mind off you know what.
One whole week plus two days and if I hadn’t been so stupid when I originally quit it would have been 8 weeks plus 2 day but it isn’t that because I did smoke a cig and 4 days later I smoked another so 8 days a tenth of what I did originally but for those of you that are mathematicians, it is in truth only a seventh – me exaggerating again. I could and have done on more than one occasion kicked myself for my sheer stupidity! Nevertheless though, I have religiously put £30 a week away for 8 weeks so I have a total of £240 in my retirement kitty and I’ve fined myself £50 for each cig that I partook of when I lapsed so that makes a grand total of £340 so far. I must say at this point that I do appreciate that I can’t retire at this precise moment in time!
I think one of the main problems with not smoking is what to do with oneself besides what one does with the hands. I have read in other people’s blogs that it is a mind/brain thing and I am now beginning to believe that because the brain goes into autopilot for want of a better word in that it is automatic to reach for a cig at any time, morning, afternoon or evening or even night! The more I think about it the more I firmly and truly believe that education is the key. Educating mainly your brain/mind not to think about reaching for a cig and getting your hands to do something else – anything else except reach for that cig packet and lighter.
For those of you whose partners don’t smoke, thank your lucky stars but for those of us with partners that do, well, difficult does not cover it. It’s alright us women emptying our handbags and the men their pockets of everything to do with smoking but when your partner carries on smoking it is extremely difficult - it is actually like you are fighting two battles namely not smoking and your other half - both at the same time and really and truthfully, one battle is enough for any one of us. Mine at least does have the courtesy to smoke outside but when he goes for a cig, I know exactly where he is going and it is like a red rag to a bull. Lead us not into temptation - but they do on a regular basis!! It would be far, far simpler and definitely much easier, to just cave in and say “Sod it – I’m having a cig” but all the hard work would be for nothing and you would so regret it – as I have on two occasions.
On the bank holiday, we were at a car show. Beautiful day plenty of cars and plenty of people. Himself and me were sat in our chairs with our car and I went ballistic as he’s smoking away and all the ‘fag ash’ is going all over the car I had spent the majority of Saturday and Sunday cleaning in readiness for the show. I’m sure some of the visitors to the show thought I was some sort of mad woman as I’m jumping up and down and saying in a very low voice ‘get that bl***y cigarette away from here right now – if you must smoke please do me a favour and go over there and smoke if you must!’ Needless to say that didn’t go down very well but when I passed him the cloth to get the bits off he did have the good grace to say sorry. Him doing that though was my incentive not to smoke so in a sense he did do me a favour but I didn’t tell him that of course.
Mind over matter is a phrase that at one time used to be bandied about by a lot of folk. You don’t hear it so much these days though but I, personally, do feel that it applies to the business of quitting smoking. You have to condition and train your mind not to put the thought of smoking in your head. Yes, I know it is far, far easier said than done. I am a firm believer in that words anyone can say but when it comes to actually doing what we say, it is completely and totally a different kettle of fish. Anyone can say anything but putting it into practice is definitely and positively hard but not and I stress NOT impossible.
So what do we do to combat this feeling of helplessness as regards our brain/mind saying you must have or need/want to have a smoke. I once knew someone who gave up smoking cigarettes and had the occasional cigar – just the one after his Sunday lunch but guess what, the one after Sunday lunch turned into smoking at the weekends only and you know the rest of the story I’m positive.. That was all very well and good until it was pointed out to him, a while after he had quit the cigarettes, that he was literally smoking more cigars than he had been cigarettes and because they were cigars they were actually costing him more than the cigs!!! He did actually stop smoking cigars but my understanding is that within days of stopping the ‘occasional’ cigar he was back to smoking cigs. Oh well, not everyone can be a quitter, can they?
When I committed my sins, I did find that not only did I go dizzy whilst smoking the little bit that I did but I also felt physically sick and not just because I felt such an idiot because I wasn’t fooling anyone not even myself.. This could of course be partly due to my illness because there is no doubt that I do feel a whole lot better when not smoking but in a sense, perhaps if there was a penalty such as being physically sick we would find the giving up much easier to do – to smoke that one cigarette is absolutely fatal as I don’t care who you are, one is never, ever enough.
Going back to this mind over matter thingy – how do we do it? Now when I was at school, detention was a punishment for wrong-doing but there was also ‘lines’ and the severity of your ‘offence’ deemed how many ‘lines’ you were given. I would hasten to add that it would be preferable to write rather than type these but having said that maybe typing them for some would be part of the punishment as not everyone is like me, i.e. a typist. The number of lines one had to do varied between 50 and 200. So perhaps we could punish ourselves by this method. I mean it would keep our hands busy for one thing and our brain would have to think while we wrote. We could do it on the basis that thinking about having a cigarette was 50 lines as thinking is only a little misdemeanour whereas actually reaching out to pick up a cig packet and lighter could be classed as major and therefore warrant 200 lines and anything in between the two had a ‘sentence’ of either 100 or 150 lines. We could also state that for a minor offence, each line had to contain 10 words whereas a major offence meant 40 words per line. We could even have set lines for each – displayed on the forum so that there could be no argument – with a list of what sentence was due for a particular offence. I mean to say, we can’t really “ground” ourselves, or can we? The other alternative is to restrict our access to the internet but is that really possible to do? To be honest, going on the internet is sometimes what keeps me sane and off the cigs so to ban myself from it would be nearly as bad as not smoking! In fact, I would most definitely get internet withdrawal syndrome. Is there such an illness as IWS (Internet Withdrawal Syndrome)? If not, maybe I’ve found a new disease!
I think that a lot of the time frustration at not being in control of our own destiny plays a massive part in our going from quitting back to smoking. It is far, far easier to just give in and revert back to cigarettes and I am sure that some would agree with me on that. For me personally, frustration I think is the biggest battle that I have. Not being in control is a horrible feeling and whilst the mind is in overall command it is so very, very simple to smoke just because I/we can. For those that are interested, one definition of the word frustration is:
In psychology, frustration is a common emotional response to opposition which is related to anger and disappointment.
In simple terms, I think that means because we just can’t quit smoking like that – immediately without any problems whatsoever – we get emotional and this comes out as anger or disappointment in ourselves because we cannot do this thing that we so want to do.
So how do we combat this problem and the answer is I don’t know. We all have different ways of coping with whatever life throws at us. I remember once reading that two of the most stressful things to do in life are firstly, to move house and secondly, to get divorced but I think that the person who wrote those didn’t smoke or else to me quitting smoking would be number one on the list.
There are no miracle cures for smoking there are aids and help but it all boils down to the fact that the individual has to do all the hard work themselves and saying and doing are totally different. I know, as like the majority of us, we have all been there, done that and got the tee-shirt.
I have every admiration for those that have achieved their goal whether it be one day, one week, one month or one year or even a number of years but they have done it through sheer willpower and a belief in themselves that they can and will do it. Perhaps there is even some bloody mindedness in there as well but whatever they have I am so very afraid that it is sadly lacking in me.
I doubt very much that I will ever achieve my aim of not smoking and the frustration and anger I direct at myself defeats the object so completely, words cannot describe just how I feel about me. Smoke and I feel guilty – don’t smoke and I feel lost, incomplete words just can’t describe it. I even get guilt feelings when not smoking because I want to smoke. I should be able to do this for goodness sake all it is is stopping having a cigarette – one cigarette at a time which will mean that then it will be 2 cigarettes I haven’t smoked and so on and so on. I am so full of advice for everyone but don’t follow it myself and that, if it wasn’t so sad, would be funny, wouldn’t it?
Everyone has the right to live their life as they see fit – we all have choice and free choice at that – smoke or don’t smoke it doesn’t matter to the next person as it isn’t their life, it’s ours and we are all adults and should be able to do something or not do something without fear. Is it therefore that I feel that without cigarettes my life isn’t worth living? What possible difference does it make to anyone else if I go back to smoking and the answer is none, isn’t it? The truth is I fear that I am or will not be the person I want to be should I stop smoking. I am most definitely a drug addict and I so want to be free of the habit but just haven’t the courage or confidence to do without my drug of choice namely cigarettes and that again is very sad and if not sad then really it should be laughable but I’m not laughing and I hope the vast majority of you aren’t either but who knows you could be laughing at me not with me for all I know.
For those that have managed to quit I am full of admiration for you and I do so wish that I were you but I’m not and believe me you would not want to be me at this precise moment or ever if the truth be told.
I am a sad example of a human being as I am unable to control my desire for a cig., cigarette, fag, nic stick or whatever you prefer to call it and this blog is supposed to help people not make them look at/think of me with pity because I am weak and unable to practice what I preach.
Who knows where I go from here but hopefully, it will be without the aid of a cigarette.
If I believe in myself then others may believe in me as well and may read what I write knowing that I have experienced everything that they have and maybe even more and I do speak from the heart and I am totally honest and don’t pull any punches quitting smoking is extremely hard but not impossible. I repeat, not impossible. I/we can do this and we, first and foremost, must do it for ourselves.
I do so hope that I haven’t upset anyone (apart from me that is) but life is hard that is a fact and not smoking seems to make it harder still and there is some truth in the phrase “Life’s a bugger, isn’t it?”
I hope you all have sweet dreams and that I haven’t given any of you nightmares.
Luv and hug and remember – YOU CAN DO THIS!
Kath.
Will I miss smoking forever?
I've just found this on facebook
But I thought quitting would help..
Pre Op check today and I can say I don't smoke !!! :)
A whole year, I think
