I've been friends with this person on reddit for a while now and was helping them through some depression, which is kind of what I use Reddit for. Then I got banned from Reddit permanently for a mistake (not moral mistake or anything bad at all, just posting in a forum I wasn't allowed in and didn't realize it). One friend needed me during this time and I could not be there for them. I could see their messages to me, but could not reply. They must have thought I just ghosted them.
Yesterday I got a message from their brother telling me they'd taken their life. I'm old enough and have experienced enough to know this feeling. It's the feeling that tells me no matter how much therapy I get, no matter who tells me what, I will blame myself in part for this. This isn't one of those things that blows over easily, I've been dealing with guilt from another suicide for 7 years now. So I know the process does get easier very gradually and that I will have moments like a number of times today where I feel like I just can't keep going but I will keep going. For Leslie, Andrew, Darla, Wendy, Morgan, Amber, Luke, Shayla, and now Ishy, I will keep going to tell depression to go fuck itself.
Ishy, I am unable to breathe at times I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I pray you are at peace fully and that your family is able to get the support they need because they love you so much. I won't forgive myself for not being able to be there for you. I could have listened. I could have let you know you aren't alone. I know this process is going to be long. Luke and Shayla were only weeks ago. But then I remember that in the beginning, there was only darkness, Shayla. You see how many stars are up there now? And you are one of them too, Ishy. I'll think of you every time I see one shine.
