Morning Wasted. Massive Trigger Warning!!!

[PeaceNeed]

I wake up depressed and guilt ridden. I remember almost every bad event that has ever happened to me since age of 5.....Im 65 now!!!I have a schrink 7th in 3 years. My health is going down hill too slowly. I hope the next time I go to doc he tells me I have cancer or maybe the guy upstairs will finally take pity on me

and give me a fatal heart attack or stroke. My father died at 41 WHY THE HELL AM I STILL HERE?

[Carnationlove]

I feel your pain, I'm so sorry - I more than understand. I have multiple doctors, and have been seeing a psychiatrist for about a year now. This is the longest I've ever seen a psychiatrist too. What you said is exactly how I have felt and have been for years now too. For me personally the one thing that has helped so much is group therapy. I currently am doing it by telehealth, but it has helped tremendously because they teach crisis skills. The skills are meant to help deal with the depression, negative thoughts, anxiety, crisis situations, and to help stop the avalanche affect ( what I call it). Again I completely understand bone hundred percent, and I only mentioned the group therapy because it seems to be the only thing ever for me that's helped. I've been in mental hospitals, had suicidal thoughts/tendencies since about four or five also. So again I more than understand your pain 😔

[Hidden]

I only joined this forum because I saw your post. This started for me about 2 years ago. This morning is another typical morning. I'm up at 3:51. I've been laying awake since 3:00. All because negative thoughts in my head. It's like a drawer of stuff being opened and dumped out. All mixed up with feelings of hopelessness and I guess shame, for not having been more or become more. I'm also about the same age 60. Pure despair.

I think Carnation Love is Right. Group therapy probably would help. I think I'm going to start going back to nami. I difficult because it's driving to a church near me in the dark parking in a dark parking lot.. not a really safe place. Plus there's borderline personalities in the group. Scaring the hell out of me lol. I hope it's okay to say that.

Actually when I was going to mass, at the Catholic Church early every morning, that helped a lot. I ended up stopping though, because it felt so bizarre that after a year and a half or two years I knew no one there. But I'm understanding that that's common in churches now.

I started going through this morning despair and anxiety, really just anguish, after a person I thought was my friend for years died. Was there a trigger for you?

[PeaceNeed in reply to Hidden]

No real trigger . Just someones story that very closely parallels my own. I go to protestant church. People there know me but the religion can be tough to take sin , guilt...etc.Ive thought about group therapy. Sent request to center for independance of disabled never answered me back.

[Carnationlove]

I hope your feeling and doing better? Thinking about you 🌹

[PeaceNeed]

Thank you . Every morning a struggle.