In the past I have always had no issues going to the doctors office and making appointments for myself. Until about 10 years ago.
My dad passed away in 2015. I remember my first dr. appointment after it happened. I remember thinking about my dad and I was upset, tearing up as I told her about my dad passing. ON that day my BP was higher than it normally had been. Which then started a downward spiral for me at the doctors office.
I felt like they were pegging me as having a issue that I didn't/don't think I have. (Or maybe I just didn't want to accept I could have a issue?) Regardless it immediately went to a "I think we should put you on a low dose med". I resisted and instead monitored my BP at home and the numbers I was getting there were "acceptable" for the doctor. Unfortunately it began a contstant battle in my head every time I needed to go in for anything. I avoided the doctor and even stopped going to a really good doctor I liked because of it.
This then spiraled into a handful of other doctors I tried out that resulted in similar situations. Me getting so worked up - like full on panic over going in over fear of my BP being high and then me having to monitor to prove I was OK.
For the longest time I could not for the life of me figure out what in the world sparked this (what I thought) was a irrational response to making a doctors appointment and actually going. A few weeks ago I had some odd health issues going on and I almost had my husband take me to the ER.
After the symptoms passed days later I then was just worried in general about what caused these issues and I honestly was scared. I started to google every symptom that came up with so many possibilities.
I finally got to a place in my head that I decided, even though I hate going to the doctor I need some peace of mind. So I reached out to my doctor via a online message to which it took her days to respond to. But in the end she suggested I come in next week. I was relieved that it felt like she was concerned and she didn't brush me off (even though in my message I kind of brushed myself off and suggested just monitoring). But as I put the appointment in my calendar my forehead started to pound and I got nervous, panicky. I had to take a short walk and then come back to my work. I sat here saying to myself "what is causing this? What is it? What is it". And this odd thing happened - I started to think of my dad and the night we took him to the hospital and how the next day they took us outside of his room to tell us he probably would pass in a weeks time.
This memory and the emotions just made me start bawling here at work. The doctors. Their news. How I felt emotionally.
Then I thought, crap - is it that trauma - that whole experience that has caused all of this? I can go to the doctors office for my son or even for my husband without having the same response as going in for myself. Do I have that much trauma in me over the event that I perhaps I am so scared that the doctor is going to tell me I only have a week to live?
I don't know but I feel like it was a slight breakthrough in my thoughts and feelings over the doctor. After I had my cry and my memories break through I felt a odd calmness come over me. My head didn't hurt.
I used to think it was just fear of taking my blood pressure - which I think part of it is that - but the trauma I feel in relation to my dad and that experience I feel is associated or some how connected. I don't know how to manage this or move past it. I hate not feeling safe at the doctors office that I am putting my own health at risk by avoiding them. I want to live a long life for my son and for myself. Is admitting that I need help with this the first step?
