Nearly a fortnight ago I think since I blogged and I was so down and desperate. My new friends (all of you) were amazing and suggested I went to see my GP which I did and he gave me some anti deppressants. It wasn't just Mum though who was getting me down looking after her. It was trying to be superwoman and doing everything else as well, full time work, husband and 2 teenage lads, a puppy and a massive garden that needs upkeep! The anti deppressants knocked me out for 2 or 3 days and I cried and cried about Mum and everything. Feel as tho I have been on the biggest pity party ever!Hubby and the carers and friends had to look after Mum..but hey guess what? When I saw her after 3 days I had 3 full bin liners of washing to bring home!
One of the things that broke the camels back was every Sunday we fetch Mum to ours for Sunday dinner. This sounds awful but evry Sunday is the same...I eat alone on the table with Mum and have done for the last 3 years. The lads cannot cope with the spluttering, coughing, dropping of food and noises that Mum makes so they eat with their Dad in the other room.Mum doesn't think or realize it! I sit with her for maybe 4hrs whislt she is at ours and darent go out the room in case she decides to do an 'Andy' of Little Britain and move (which she does!) I miss Sundays, going out, being in the garden, going away for a weekend...all gone! The sadness I felt for myself overwhelmed me and as the rest of the family carry on as normal I just broke.
Now I feel a lot better...have given up the job I love with all my heart. Hubby and the youngest lad have said they will help round the house more (yeh!)and the middle one is moving into a house with his mates today (another reason to cry...not!)
I read every question and every word on this site and I have you all there as back up! I can read answers to questions that I need to know too and I can cry with you too. I know I am on the way up and not as low as I was and yes I have another doctors appointment for Mums eyes that are so sore today so I will be there as normal.
I won't let myself get as low as that again, Mum needs me and my family need me too. I have promised myself that I will blog...even if it is something that seems so stupid.
Please all of you, use this site, use the support of PSPA and use all of us as a coping mechanism. As someone wrote quite recentley this is not just an individual illness, it affects all the family but especially the main carer!
My love, thanks and prayers to you all xx