Residential homes - how do people cope?

My mum is 76 and can no longer speak or walk. My dad is 78 and is in ill health. He had a minor stroke and mum had to go into a residential home.

Even with a high level of support he could not cope with her at home but she says that she will never forgive him for putting her in a home. When he vsiits she hardly attempts to speak only saying home repeatedly. Both of them are unhappy - any suggestions?

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  • My Mum was diagnosed PSP last August, Neurologist says she about 3 years or so into it. Has been in care since November, as Dad is 81 yrs and was finding increasingly difficult to cope with Mum's demands and lack of mobility due to knee replacement. She too is not coping with being in care constantly screaming and crying, just wants to come home although we do bring her home only to have very difficult times with her. It's draining on all the family, dad visits everyday and so do the children but Mum is deterioating rapidly, and her mental state is not good. No two days are the same. Hope as we do that our Mums will one day settle. Rest assured they are in the right place. x Sorry no real answers but no exactly what your going through.

  • Dear Valda,

    I'm so sorry to read of the problems you are facing - it must be very distressing for all of you. I'm struggling to come up with any useful suggestions but just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you.

    Mum went into a home temporarily when she fell and broke her leg and Dad couldn't manage her while she had the cast on it. As with your parents, they were both absolutely miserable and it was so difficult to watch. Thankfully, once the cast came off we were able to have her home again. At least we could (and did) constantly reassure her that it was only temporary but I do appreciate how hard it must be for all of you. Does she have some of her own familiar things around her, such as favourite pictures or ornaments, or her favourite chair? We would try to take Mum out of the home environment as much as we could - even if it was only to push her round the block in her wheelchair, and we tried to make sure she had visitors from about 2-8pm (working out a "shift" pattern to cover as much time as possible) to let her know that she hadn't been "abandoned".

    I'm not sure any of this will be much help to you - but I hope she does start to feel more settled soon

    Much love to all of you

    Kathy xxxxx

  • One of the symptoms that people with PSP have is cognitive changes, sometimes they are unable to reason or think things through and see things from other people's perspectives this can be really hard for those around to cope with. It may be helpful for your Dad to know this is part of the PSP.

  • We just recently (2 weeks ago today) had to put my Dad in a Nursing Home. My Mom had been taking care of him, but she is 84 and could not do it anymore. Dad cannot walk, talk or feed himself I cannot believe Mom was tending to him all this time.

    In answer to your question -- it was the most difficult situation we ever had to make as a family but already the difference in both Mom and Dad is amazing. They are both doing so much better. Dad did not want to go but did because he saw what it was doing to Mom. She visits everyday and thankfully he is adjusting quite well. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. Putting a loved one in a nursing home is so very hard to do.

    We are lucky because Dad's personality change was from kind of grumpy to a sweet, happy most of the time man. However he does act very much like a little child and that makes him so lovable. Please keep your strength and know that the decision you made though difficult was truly made out of love. I hope things get better for you.

    Sorry for going on so long -- I don't usually post just read the posts, but this subject hit home for me.

    Hugs

    DeeDee

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