I have the mother in law from hell and I hope somebody can help me in dealing with this. It's the last thing I need at the moment. As most of us know losing a partner is so hard.
My mother-in-law is telling people that my husband told her a few days before he died to "tell his son that he loved him". I know that Les had lost most of, if not all, his conversational means. She is saying that I should not have been canoodling with Les on his bed. I had promised I would hold him and be there for him. It was something we had decided a while before he died. It was incredibly hard but I pulled all my strength and held him and talked quietly to him. Meanwhile his mother was announcing she could still feel a pulse and our son was feeling for his heartbeat.
I wanted Les to leave with dignity not a running commentary on the proceedings.
The reason I am struggling now is that she is causing, and saying atrocious things that are hurtful and mean. I feel that I should go to see her and tell her to stop the lies but know she will blow this out of proportion.
I would like to tell her that her son told care staff that he had a hospital appt to prevent her visiting as she wore him out. He instructed Fiona, our daughter, not to open the door when she visited and to pretend they were not in. This was when he was still at home.
I am so tempted to go to see her and tell her to stop but she is so toxic I know she will enjoy telling people that I had been.
It is just over a year now since I lost Les and I need to keep going and attempt to stay strong but this woman is constantly causing problems.
Can anyone advise me on how to cope.
I miss Les every day and as we all know it is a hard struggle just losing a partner.
Love and hugs
Pat
Written by
Baileyboo
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27 Replies
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She sounds like a real drama queen. No matter what is going on it’s all about her. That was Larry’s mother. We were always calling her on it. Her response was to ignore whatever we said. We ignored her as well.
You are in a no win situation. Tell her she’ll be the martyr. Not tell her she’ll keep on doing what she is doing. I’d say tell her. Get it off your mind. Know it probably won’t do much good other then knowing you have expressed your feelings.
Maybe write it out and give it to her. Your delivery in person might get very emotional very quickly having held this in for a year. Or practice it verbally with someone else to get use to saying what you want to say.
I feel as though I am suffocating with the caustic comments. They hurt. I loved Les so much and not having him, as you will know, is incredibly hard.
I stayed with Les from the Sunday through to his passing on the Wednesday. I slept in his hospital bed with him as I know he missed the closeness. The staff were amazing in the way they ensured I never had to leave his room. I am so greatful for that time we had. His consultant was happy with me doing that as he knew Les needed me.
I am thinking of visiting the poison dwarf today but I will start the conversation by telling her I am recording it to ensure nothing is added or twisted. That sounds dramatic I know. I need to stop her. I don't know why I am doubting myself. I did what I wanted to do.
Oh goodness pat she sounds a bloody nightmare I know what I would say but then I'd maybe regret it.
So my advice to you is to remain calm. like Jeff said let her be a martyr.
Be the bigger person you know that you gave your hubby the best care.
Ignore her hurtful words.
She sounds bitter could it be that she is elderly and has problems herself or has she always been the same. Just a thought.
I think if your still in regular contact with her, you could say to her that until she can stop being so hurtful you would like her to stay away from you . She might think twice. It's a difficult situation but you don't need this.
The problem is that I sent a letter to her some months back and there is no change. I told her that I would not be visiting.
Sadly she has been in touch with my son and his wife along with my 5 grandchildren who I no longer see. Some stupid argument in the summer. He loves it as she is saying what he wants to hear.
I asked my consultant yesterday if because of my pain I would be able to afford killing her. As extra stress causes my pain to accelerate. He said no. Shucks, I would have taken so much pleasure in that.
To be more realistic I will visit her and tell her the truth. She won't like it but she doesn't care about my feelings. I will inform her of the tolerance we allowed because of Les being so ill.
Thanks for your reply and I will keep you posted as to any results obtained. If it makes me feel little better I will get a result. Being nasty isn t my nature but she is the perfect candidate to test on.
Your realistic plan sounds like a good one not the one suggested to your doctor although that did make me smile.
No wonder you are so stressed you will be hurting so much not seeing your grandchildren and your son whatever the argument was about will be missing his mum.
Remember to keep calm say what you have to say and then walk away.
Sounds like you have a supportive daughter that I hope is not getting involved in all this petty nonsense and is supporting you at this very difficult time.
Yes keep us all posted I'm sure with time it will all calm down.
I have no pearls of wisdom here. But hope you manage to resolve this. It is such a challenge learning to live this new life without all the unpleasantness on top.
I know what I'd do but then I am very vocal in my opinions and as a boss once told me "brutally honest". That could be why most of my work career was on graveyard shift (by choice) haha. Say what you need to say and move on, don't worry about her or her comments. You and your husband had a plan in place for his passing and you followed it. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks since his wishes were meet, your conscience is clear in my opinion.
Dear Pat. What a horrible situation to be in. Sadly no matter what you say or do will make her stop and could make matters worse, as she will not believe you; she will have fresh 'evidence' to use against you, and because she will know that she has got under your skin. She is saying what she wants to believe to be true because it is making her feel better as she, and it sounds like your son too, are not coping with their grief and have to vent their anger on someone, who sadly seems to be you. She was obviously a problem whilst Les was still alive, probably because she felt jealous and excluded from what you and Les had decided and which you were sharing and which you shared to the end. What you two shared was just between you two and it made him happy so you do not have to justify anything to anyone.
You do not say who is passing on what she is saying. If you value these people's friendships then ask them to stop passing on her comments as you do not wish to hear what she is saying. If they are true friends they will stop and if not then drop them as you do not need their kind of 'frienship'.
Thanks for your advice. I honestly don't know what to do. She has always been harsh with her remarks.
If she and my son are struggling with grieving, how do these people feel I am coping with the loss.
I loved that man for 44 years and he loved me. His mum never forgave me for marrying Les which is so pathetic.
I saw a consultant yesterday and he thinks I may not have grieved myself.
I don't know about that but I am fortunate in that my daughter has met a lovely man who calls me mum. He will ask if I need a cuddle and just senses when I am down.
I am so happy Fiona met him as they laugh so much together and go out. It means that I am not worrying about Fiona getting too down. He is very similar to Les in that his humour is the same. I just hope they stay together. He has asked me for permission to marry Fiona when his divorce is finalised. I guess at 34, the age Fiona is, the majority of people she meets can have had a relationship previously.
I don't know why I am telling you this, I guess my mind is saying I should be greatful, I am.
Thank you for your sensible advice, which you have given me before.
Love Pat x
I too had a mother in law from hell... she died.
Now l have a step daughter in law from hell...
almost makes me believe in reincarnation...
So my advice is stay clear of her & the folks who tell you what she says concerning you & your dear hubby. Enjoy your life with you daughter & others who care about your health & happiness. Sending hugs... Granni B
Don't even go there you will only upset yourself more and with someone like that you are never going to win. Just remember you did all you could at the time x
Dearest Bailey grief can do that to you... please take care to rest, eat healthy foods and if possible take little walks in the fresh air. This has worked for me during times of saddness & the darkest times of depression. Advise given here is only suggestions ... only you know what is the best way to handle your problem person. Be true to yourself and the memory of your hubby. You are in my prayers... Granni B
Thank you Granny B. It's a struggle dealing with the pain of losing Les and I feel that I can't let her feel she is top dog. I loved her son with all my heart, unfortunately she came with him. I have lost count of the times my husband stopped speaking to her.
I need to tell her she is toxic and I am fortunate to have no connection any more.
Thank you. I will post an update once I have built up the confidence to go.
On speaking with my consultant on Friday, for pain following a motor accident in March 2017, the pain I am now experiencing is related to my brain being unable to release the hormone it would had I not been injured. The stress of a horrid year since losing Les has confused the signals and sadly it is life long. I think it just needs a new circuit board.
Unless I deal with some things I am hopefully able to do, I will just be a sitting duck for her.
Not liking confrontation it's going to be hard. I have made notes so I will get everything said. Beyond that who knows?
I am sorry that after the loss of your beloved you are dealing with this. I imagine she and your son are grieving and everyone deals with this in a different way but that does not mean you have to subject yourself to her behaviour. My advice for what it is worth is to stay away it will only upset you and make you angry. Someone once said to me "you can't people behave the way you do" and I think this is so true any time people are being mean I remember this and walk away not allowing their poison to affect me. Its not always easy believe me! Good luck xx
I am so sorry you have such a struggle with your Mother-in-law 😞
I too had a hateful mother in law, she continued to be so till she passed...when we told them I was pregnant with our first child she stood in silence over the sink in their kitchen and dropped a dish and broke it!!! Then said “well I see”
I know she wanted us to split up and with kids involved he would forever be tied to me no matter what.....it was awful..:my advice....avoid her, avoid everything about her...
I have always made sure my daughter in law has felt welcome. I don't agree with her standards or lack of them as it isn t worth making anyone unhappy. My daughter's partner is lovely. I prefer a peaceful live.
I miss Les desperately but deal with it the best I can. Paul, my daughter's partner, is incredibly caring. She is so lucky and I am too. I don't need to wonder if she is happy.
Les refused to go to our son's wedding as he felt so against it. We are all entitled to an opinion.
Life is too short for problems like mother-in-law's.
I don't think I can let her continue with her caustic comments. I have to tell her how horrid she is and it is pointless her continue making more enemies than she already has.
I won't stoop to her level but I have to say something and then tell her she is on her own.
Thank you for your reply. I really do appreciate the helpful responses I receive from this forum. We have or still are dealing with the most vile disease but still have time for each other.
I am so sorry that it has taken me so many years to learn that loving one another is the only important thing there is! I have been so hurt so many times in my life, so many times my response has been to come out swinging so to speak....
So much of my life has not been how I imagined it would be....I desperately wanted to be good friends with my mother-in-law, my mother lived in another state and I truly thought she would love me, she had to get REALLY nasty before I finally got it....she hated me, my husband didn’t marry a local girl, the one she liked...etc. etc etc.....what’s really strange is that other girl and I has become good friends, she is a lovely person....she has helped me through this latest crisis of PSP and infidelity.....I have been so crushed it’s beyond words...I NEVER suspected anything was going on with my husband and his right hand woman at the office, I don’t think that way, I thought she was a loyal employee...she is married has kids, now grown, but she went after him and he complied! She was married, so was he they both had children and still continued this charade for years and years......he’s now sick and I am left to care for him....it really sucks!!!
If his mother was alive I give him to her.....but back to love and what you have said, as a truly good person we can not stoop to the level of these people that feel they have a right to trample on us.....yes I believe in forgiveness, but I am having a hard time this is all new and horrible, she has been told that myself and my children know about their affair, but her life goes on, my life is one of a caregiver to a lier and cheat, he is basically a small child in many ways now....if he were well he may never had told me the truth and could well still be carrying on...if I had found out when he was well I would have gotten the meanest baddest lawyer and taken them both apart....but no point now, she’s a pathetic tramp posing as an important sucessful woman...my ranch manager said it best....”Karma never sleeps”
So sooner or later she will reap what she has sowed multiplied in the worst way, that’s always the way it goes eventually.....
As for me I am doing what I can for the person I married, I am going to begin this new year living my life a bit for me instead of spending every waking hour trying to find a cure and doing everything for him....nope, my turn!
PSP is a horrible horrible disease, in my husbands case I almost think he is getting his due....but so so so so many on this site do not in anyway deserve to have such a thing happen to them. I pray for a cure! I am so sorry you lost Les, I am glad you had good memories with him.
I am so sorry you are having to live in that situation. PSP is a vile disease and coping with it is incredibly hard, draining and time consuming. It is hard watching a person struggle with this. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling. Life can be so cruel. I am sending my love and hugs to you and pray that you have the energy and determination to cope with the situation you are in.
My problem pales in significance compared to what you are dealing with through no fault of your own.
Please look after yourself as you are the most important person in the mess the other woman caused.
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