I received a message this morning from Nanny857 and have written a very long reply.
I have been able to manage what is happening in my home and it feels so good. At last I can see the end of having lodgers.
My daughter and Paul (her partner) are now looking for a home of their own. A lot of things have happened to bring this to a head.
I received a torrent of abuse from Fiona roughly 2 weeks ago. It has taken me until now to do something about it. I taught both my son and daughter to think before speaking in anger, if they would not like it said to them not to say a word. Words can't be taken back once said.
On Saturday I asked my daughter-in-law if we could talk and Stacey and Andrew came to see me. We are going forward and now we are going forward as a family again. This is a massive thing for all of us and I now have my son and daughter-in-law back along with my 5 grandchildren. We will take things slowly and move on. This is an enormous thing for me.
I have been able to research my finances and found that I have lost a lot of money by having my daughter still at home. This is now in the process of changing. I have never taken money from Fiona or asked for a weekly contribution. I have been stupid and I am now changing the rules.
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH
You gave me support and advice and I now know where I went wrong. I think.
I am grieving for Les and know there are peaks and troughs in grieving so I am not going to be so hard on myself.
Life at the moment is a work in progress and I now have the strength to face immediate problems.
I would not have been able to do this without the support and advice you all gave me and I will be eternally grateful. That may sound stupid but I just couldn't do this without you all.
Things are being sorted out and it feels good. I will keep you posted about important matters and muddle through the unimportant matters.
Thank you so much for being here for me.
Love and hugs
Pat xx
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Baileyboo
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I’m so pleased and relieved things are changing. I‘ve thought of you often. I hope your daughter and her partner find a place very soon. You need to be able to have a life you want now, no longer dictated by others or situations you can’t get out of. Please make sure you do get the “rent” every month as I’ve seen from friends, when mum is in a good mood, it’s easy to get round her. One of my friends became so desperate when her daughter wouldn’t leave and didn’t contribute or do her own washing etc, she had her garage converted to a bed sit, small but cosy. She has told her daughter (and now her boyfriend) that she wants a monthly contribution to help pay the building loan and if it’s not paid on time they will be evicted and she will let their bedsit as an Airbnb. They laughed about it but she has told me she means it and has told them how much she will charge, a lot more than she is asking them for. They have been in there for 6months now and never missed a payment.
Very best wishes for a brighter future with many happy experiences.
Lots of love.
XxxX
I think it is called “tough love.” Letting Fiona know the free ride is over is the start.
Well Done Pat. That took a lot of courage and effort. I hope it all works out well for you. One thing from your last comment, work out what is "important" to you and keep reassessing this. I have found from my experience with grief, what seemed important one week, changes the next!
I can see what you mean about importance. I guess because I am feeling good today, as I should know, doesn't mean tomorrow will be the same.
It's a good point.
I feel that I am straightening my problems out and the most important was reaching out to Andrew and Stacey. That was easier than I thought it would be as we both felt it was pointless going on as we were.
I am going to sit back and enjoy what has been achieved and the rest can wait.
It does feel nice and I have done the best thing so I will enjoy some of this.
I didn't know that Fiona was visiting her brother at work. She told him I had asked them to leave. It's silly really as it was her remark to my eldest granddaughter that caused the eruption.
After Christmas I had a melt down. Caused problems with a relationship. Since being on the happy pills, I have sorted out all problems and yes, like you, I have sat back and enjoyed the place I am now in. It's a great place to be, actually content with what is going on around you. A massive step forward in the grief process. That doesn't mean I miss Steve any the less, just getting use to him not being around to solve any issues.
Anne you are such a tonic but you rarely say anything about your own grieving for Steve.
I miss Les so much it physically hurts. I saw a photograph of the Greek Islands the other night and saw Les and I laughing. I felt a tight band around my chest and cried most of the night. It is such a horrid feeling. I guess that will never go but hopefully will, with time, come less often.
I have just had news that Fiona and Paul have a flat. They realised I meant what I said. Paul is organising a furniture van!!! I don't know what for as the furniture is mine. When I asked he said it was for the bed which I don't mind. Obviously there is a lot of clothing for them both too. Another problem reaches the end result and now Fiona may appreciate me. Who knows, but her washing still needs to be done as she needs a fresh uniform each day. That isn't my problem anymore.
Take care of yourself Anne. I must ask my GP about happy pills.
I am 2 1/2 years all this road now. I am in a new relationship, which is working out nicely. But that doesn't diminish my grief for Steve or the loss I still feel and the huge hole he has left in this world. I am always seeing pictures of the places we went together and treasure every single memory that they bring back. I never forget though, the place we spent the most time together, the place he took his last breath, the one place I can't avoid, which I spend a third of my time in, our bedroom. So how can one photo of some distant view upset me? Of course there is always that odd one that can still catch me by surprise.
Yes, Steve has gone, but my memories will always live on. He will stay in my heart forever. Thankfully it's a big place and still has room for others.
Anne you are an amazing lady and you deserve to be happy. Like me, I guess, you are caught unaware by a memory or object that appears. Steve will always be with you as Les is with me.
You do have an enormous heart and I am so grateful that you do.
Just goes to show, Pat, that you are so much stronger than you could ever have imagined. Strength is the one thing that PSP gave us and could not claw back. Now you have the ground rules sorted I am sure life will feel so much more settled. Hils.x
I feel good at this point in time and have just had a check with my GP and I know I will have very down times but I have to remind myself of what I have accomplished. That sounds good as when I am down it's hard to think logically. I know I can get through it now.
PSP is so cruel but you're right I have found strength from somewhere.
I know it mostly comes from inside this forum as every single person gives support and that is so incredible.
I am very lucky to have friends on here who understand and give advice.
I think it's different for everyone but everyone has some issue which just feels insurmountable and the relief when you do it is a sign of your progress.
Don't waste any time regretting what you didn't do. It's all normal.
It's hard though. Lots of tears. We all know how it is.
I have just had a call from Fiona's partner, they have a flat to move into at the weekend yeh!!!!
It will do Fiona good to manage a home herself now. She is 35 and it's about time. At her age I had both of my children, in fact she would have been 6.
I am really pleased to hear your news. It is great that you will have your home back and great too that you will be able to see your Grandchildren again. That is a huge plus!
I feel so relieved. It was so lovely to see Andrew and Stacey again and we all felt the rift had gone on long enough.
Stacey and I are going for a coffee today and I will be there when the children finish nursery.
Fiona leaving is good. I am seeing a side to Paul that I don't like but if they are happy it's sort of good riddance to Paul as he is a volcano ready to erupt.
I will be in touch when my telephone is reconnected.
You have been so brave tackling these difficult challenges on top of a huge grief -well done.
I have so often found the advice and encouragement from friends on this site has given me courage to tackle things I have struggled with. There is of course always the next challenge but you will gain strength from this momentum.
I don't know where the courage came from as I am not a strong person. I have a feeling that Les was in the background helping me.
Why does PSP take our loved ones and leave us so devastated and alone? It is so evil and cruel in every possible way.
My daughter is moving out today and I am relieved, I am going for a coffee with my daughter-in-law so she can get on with it.
Thank you so much for caring I honestly don't know how I would cope without the fantastic and amazing friends here. You are all incredibly valued and having you all is the one good thing that came out of PSP taking Les.
Dear Pat, I am so, so happy for you, that you found the strength to sort out the awful situation you were in, Well Done. Now enjoy the good days that are ahead and try to let the bad ones (hopefully there won't be many) just pass over you. Remember Les will always be with you in your heart. Sending lots of love, Nanny857xx
I’m late in responding to your post but I wanted to say how happy I am for you.
The first post about what you were going through at the time had me tongue tied. I secretly fear being taken advantage of too. All I could manage to do was to send you the Fight Song, (take back my life song). It’s not easy being a rock all of the time but that’s what this cruel disease turns caregiver’s into. It takes away a lot of our innocence and forces strength that we don’t know we have. People say we’re strong and we ignore it but the truth is, we are. Congratulations on working this out. You’ve made my day!
Oh well done you for biting the bullet and so glad it's working out for you, long may it continue to do so. Hope you enjoyed the coffee with Stacey catching up on family news and savouring the peace and comfort of your "own" home. Hugs xxx
Thank you. I had a lovely afternoon with Stacey and collecting my youngest 3 grandchildren from school. They didn't know I would be there but there was no doubting the huge cuddles I received. After almost a year it was magical.
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Thank you! Merci!
Thank you
my hero 
What do you mean you cant help?
