Sorry I have not been on the blog for a long time, I miss you all, but just can’t bring myself to do much. I have had this horrible cold since Christmas Eve and I just can’t shake it off, I am sure half of it is stress. I keep thinking about George and seeing him in his coffin and it makes me so sad. Everyone says you need to be strong you are strong well I don’t want to be strong, I am not feeling strong, I am feeling so sad, just want to see George one more time.
My daughter said if you keep refusing people’s invitations to go out and have coffee, they won’t keep asking you, I have no wish to go out and have coffee, I have 2 very good friends that come into see me and we have lunch at my house, I feel safe in my own home, that’s where I want to be, in my own home with my own thoughts, were I feel closer to George than any where else. I really don’t want to be strong, I was strong throughout George’s illness I just want to lay on the sofa and do nothing.
At the beginning it felt easier and now it feels so hard, as soon as I go to bed I think about George, I wake up in the night and think about George my whole being only thinks about him, I try so hard when I go to bed not to think about him, but I can’t stop thinking about when he passed away. I was blaming myself that maybe it was my fault, I didn’t do enough for him, everyone says no you looked after him very well, I know I did but did I do enough?
He wanted to go back to Cyprus so we had 2 services which was double hard for us, and he went back to Cyprus buried in the village in the mountains, then I look on the weather forecast and it’s snowing up there, and then I feel it’s so cold and it makes me cry that he is cold, I know he body is there but his spirit is not but it’s so hard to accept it. I can’t just go to the cemetery when I am sad. We have his 3 month memorial service on Sunday in London, his sister also does it in Cyprus, but she said if it’s snowing they won’t be able to get up there, all these silly things worry me.
Sorry for being a pain but I felt you all would understand how I was feeling especially you lovely people that had losted loved ones. Hugs to you all can’t wait to meet up. Yvonne xxxxxx