Sorry I have not been on the blog for a long time, I miss you all, but just can’t bring myself to do much. I have had this horrible cold since Christmas Eve and I just can’t shake it off, I am sure half of it is stress. I keep thinking about George and seeing him in his coffin and it makes me so sad. Everyone says you need to be strong you are strong well I don’t want to be strong, I am not feeling strong, I am feeling so sad, just want to see George one more time.
My daughter said if you keep refusing people’s invitations to go out and have coffee, they won’t keep asking you, I have no wish to go out and have coffee, I have 2 very good friends that come into see me and we have lunch at my house, I feel safe in my own home, that’s where I want to be, in my own home with my own thoughts, were I feel closer to George than any where else. I really don’t want to be strong, I was strong throughout George’s illness I just want to lay on the sofa and do nothing.
At the beginning it felt easier and now it feels so hard, as soon as I go to bed I think about George, I wake up in the night and think about George my whole being only thinks about him, I try so hard when I go to bed not to think about him, but I can’t stop thinking about when he passed away. I was blaming myself that maybe it was my fault, I didn’t do enough for him, everyone says no you looked after him very well, I know I did but did I do enough?
He wanted to go back to Cyprus so we had 2 services which was double hard for us, and he went back to Cyprus buried in the village in the mountains, then I look on the weather forecast and it’s snowing up there, and then I feel it’s so cold and it makes me cry that he is cold, I know he body is there but his spirit is not but it’s so hard to accept it. I can’t just go to the cemetery when I am sad. We have his 3 month memorial service on Sunday in London, his sister also does it in Cyprus, but she said if it’s snowing they won’t be able to get up there, all these silly things worry me.
Sorry for being a pain but I felt you all would understand how I was feeling especially you lovely people that had losted loved ones. Hugs to you all can’t wait to meet up. Yvonne xxxxxx
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Yes you will be on a rollercoaster up and down I’m still like that and it’s been 7 months now but are still raw with it but please try not to blame yourself as it’s the crap illness and like us all I know you did enough as it’s always above everything you
Hope your memorial service brings you a bit more comfort to you and the weather settles down in Cyprus for his sister
Please take care Yvonne sending you hugs and kisses
Dear Yvonne, I cannot begin to understand what you are going through having lost George to PSP. George would not agree that you did not do enough for him. You loved him and still do and gave him loving care. He would want you to give some of that loving care to yourself.
PSP's grip on my husband is gradually getting tighter every day and I dread the day when I have to say goodbye to him. Please be kind to yourself and mourn George in your own way. He will always be with you.
I hope that you will be able to meet up again when the weather improves. I think of you often and hope that God will give you the strength to cope from day to day.
Thank you Esther it’s hard looking after a loved one with PSP and you feel so tired every day, but wish George was back with me. Sending you a big hugs. Yvonne xxx.
Oh darling Yvonne, we all know and totally understand your feelings. AND you are definitely not being a pain!!!
Of course you are sad and yes it does get harder as each day goes past. Your numb bubble is slowly shrinking and you are starting to really miss George now. When does that stop? No idea! I doubt it ever will. I don’t want to stop missing Steve or thinking about him. Even with my life moving on, I still miss him like crazy and want my fit, loving husband back. PSP can do the foxtrot, as Amanda would say, I want my Steve as he was before it ruined our lives.
If you want to lie hidden under a blanket on the sofa. Then do so. I still take to mine on a regular basis. One day, you will find other things to do, your children, grandchildren will need your attention. I am sorry but I have to agree with your daughter about invitations, my sister once told me, after her husband died many years ago, she accepted every invitation. She knew nothing could make her feel better, equally nothing could make her feel worse, but she realised that one day she would be ready to accept these invites, but they might not be there then, if she kept refusing. I suppose it’s trying to get that happy medium.
There is nothing wrong with thinking about George 24/7. My last thoughts every night are of Steve. What is wrong, is blaming yourself. I know he died on your watch. That is good Yvonne, you were there, loving him, keeping him safe. You enabled him to have a very peaceful passing, something we all wish for, knowing our turn will come. We all think we could have done more, but what? Let’s have this list of what more could have been done? I have gone through this a million times and more, what else could I have done? I’m afraid I keep coming up with the same answer. NOTHING!!!
Dearest, dearest Yvonne, be gentle with yourself. Like before, it is one day at a time, although now it’s more like one minute at a time. Just remember all our arms are around you, holding you very tight. Hopefully, very soon, we will be able to do it for real. Until then my friend, I am sending all the love and strength I can across the ether.
Oh Anne thank you for your kind words, doing things with the grandchildren has kept me going, school pick ups and looking after them, I am staying at my daughters looking after my granddaughter for a few days, you are right in everything you said, I know I couldn’t of done more for George, will move forward in my own time, and hopefully come out the other side. Thank you for the hugs much needed. Yvonne xxxxx
Oh Yvonne I know how you feel. Don't despair, be the way you feel most comfortable. In time you will go out for coffee again and do all the other things you are shutting out at the moment. Definitely do not feel guilty for not doing enough for George. You did all you could, there was no time to do more, as Ann pointed out. I do feel bad at times for shouting and being impatient, they are feelings we all have at times - do not forget the care and love you had for George. I wish you well, lots of love and hugs. Madeleine x
I feel your pain and wish I had magic words which would heal it. It is still very early days after a lifetime with George. Please be kind to yourself if you need a duvet day go for it but equally remember those days when you were so exhausted and thought about not meeting a friend/ going out but afterwards realising that sometimes a little breathing space can help. Try when you can to get out of the house even for a little walk /coffee/ shopping can be helpful. As Anne says it cannot make the pain worse.
Tippy yes I do remember the hard times when George would be awake all night and I was desperate to sleep, I would not want that back again, it was hard, I really despise PSP and I feel for all of you going through it. Thank you for the hugs. How are you doing ? Yvonne xxxx
Tippy back to you. So happy you got your break after all the things that went on about crushing the tablets, it’s stressful isn’t it? Happened to me as well just before I was going away. Make sure you have a break often. You are also a very special lady xxxxxx
Yvonne, No one said losing your love of your life is going to be easy. It is 2 years this month since Don died and I talk to him every morning when I am having my coffee and say good night when I am going to bed. I can say, that people do not understand, unless they have suffered a loss. I don't know if I ever told you that he and our daughter died on the same day 30 years apart. It does get easier as time goes go. What keeps me going is the fact that one day we will all be together again.
Hi Audrey I often think about you, can’t believe it’s nearly 2 years that Don passed away, were as that time gone? So sad that you lost a daughter as well. I talk to George as well. How are you doing Audrey are you still living with your daughter?? Sending you a massive hug. Yvonne xxxx
Hi Yvonne, 2 years on the 21st of this month. Still living with her and I made a mistake moving in with them. Oh well, none of us are perfect. We will see what the future brings. Massive hug back to you Audrey xxxx
Got a spare room if you want to come and stay for as long as you like. My daughter asked me to move in with them I said no see how I go in six months, might wake and buy something smaller xxxx not sure yet xxxx
Oh Yvonne, I wish we could all say or do something to take your pain away, not only does this terrible, terrible disease take away our loved ones, it destroys our lives too. Years of caring for them whilst watching them fade, secretly hoping they will be released soon, but then having to face the heartbreak, I can't imagine the agony you're going through. I still have my hubby although he's failing fast now, I'm doing my best to make some happy moments to help me through, I know I am going to be just like you with grief, Please keep sending us your feelings be them bad or memorable memories, or have a good old rant and cry with us because we understand and feel for you and love you for all the wonderful work and care you gave him. I truly believe our loved ones are up there back in their healthy years (before PSP) waiting for us, that is my philosophy. Think of all the wonderful memories you made together.
Bless you, and be proud of all the love and caring you gave him.
Dearest Yvonne, I feel so sad for you. I still love Colin dearly and think of him every day but I refuse to let PSP continue to win. My darling is now free and I’m not letting PSP keep hold of me. My son told me he is so pleased I am making a new life for myself and go out with different friends nearly every day as he and his brothers can feel happy for me and not have to worry about me. Of course they keep in touch but I tell them all the good things I have done, places I have been, laughs I have had with friends. Nearly every day I have a little weep in the shower and tell Colin I love him and will see him again one day, but then get on with what I have planned for the day. Your daughter is correct I’m sorry to say. Several friends have told me how they have avoided seeing a certain person as they always come away feeling miserable and nothing they say helps. Your daughter must be worrying about you, try and take her advice. Perhaps a trip to the doctor may help. You say you don’t want to be strong and I think maybe strong is the wrong word but I do hope and pray that very soon you will know that by taking little steps, you can reach the light at the end of the tunnel. You need to reach out to friends to help you take those steps though. You will never reach the light shutting yourself away and maybe right now, you don’t want to ,but your health will suffer and your daughter will suffer with you. I’ve quoted my plaque several times but think it is so true, “Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but about learning to dance in the rain”. You got through years of the horrors of PSP. Your darling George is at peace so you don’t have to worry about him any more. However sad you feel and however much you want it, he won’t be coming back but I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to suffer like you are now.
It will be hard going to a memorial service. That’s something I couldn’t do and to have had two funerals must have been difficult but you got through them so you should be proud of yoursef. I wish I could give you a big hug Yvonne but I can’t so I’m sending you a great big virtual one. I hope your cold goes completely very soon and by feeling physically better the dark cloud hanging over you will lift to let the sunshine through.
Oh Bev thank you for your kind words, yes I know my daughter is right, I will start to move forward I now I must, going to go away with my daughter and her family in April, then I am going to Cyprus in May and I will be there for Georges birthday so at least I can put flowers on his grave, and get some sun. I have been to the doctors and will get some counselling soon, I will meet friends for coffee, and I understand that I will be sad and I will sit and cry, but I promise I will meet up with friends. Thank you for the hugs much needed and thank you for taking time to be there for me. Big hugs to you. Yvonne xxxx
I’m so pleased you are going away in April and May. I’m sure it will do you the world of good. At the wake after Colin’s funeral, three friends came up to me and said they know it may seem insensitive and hope it wouldn’t upset me by asking, but would I like to go with them to Budapest in 3 weeks as they were booking it that day. I said yes and although I knew some would think it was too soon and wondered if I was doing the right thing but it gave me a quick start to a new life. They are widows and one of them said she was in a black hole and barely went out for a year after her husband died and she didn’t want me to be the same. We were 8 widows enjoying the Christmas market and I felt better than I had for over 6 years. They were all friends I had made during PSP, not long timers, and we all spent this New Years Eve together. We all cried....but with laughter, as Colin used to say, a happy cry, playing silly games but we raised a glass to all of our husbands never to be forgotten.
Yes a few holidays booked also of to Spain with daughter and her family looking forward to going. In October going back to Cyprus for Georges year memorial service will stay there for a while xxxxx
I absolutely LOVE your reply to Yvonne!! I agree with every single word!! You are so very wise and I love you dearly!! Thank you for your honesty with Yvonne!! X 💗
Hi Meg, I hope your Christmas was as good as it could be. I’m nursing a horrible cough at the moment but will be in touch soon to arrange a date for me to come and see you. I don’t want to bring any nasties with me.
❤️ XxxX
Dear Yvonne, everyone grieves in their own way. . . But you know that... and you also know George will always be with you in spirit & he knew you always did your best to care for him during his fight against that monstrous psp.
You have been through one of the worst losses... a spouse who was you soul mate. Be kind to yourself... it is good to have your two friends in where you feel safe. There will be time to visit with others later when you are ready. If by chance they stop inviting you out... you can call & invite them when you are ready. Sending gentle hugs... Granni B
Thank you very lovely words. My 2 friends are amazing had lunch at home yesterday with one of them, really lucky to have them in my life. Sending you a big hug. Yvonne xxxxxx
Your in my thoughts Yvonne
Take your time.
Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve and only you will know when you have grieved enough.
Dear Yvonne reading your post echoes all the pain we go through when losing our loved one. I cannot believe I have come through a year without my hubby. There are no potions we can take .... we have have to go through each day putting on a brave face no matter how we feel. It is so difficult being alone when the most important person in your life is not by your side but we have to move forward and I am the first to admit it is not that easy. I do not post very often as it really is difficult to know what lies ahead for those going through all that we have been through. Sending you hugs and love. Jxx
So true we don’t know what is ahead time goes so quick hopefully you and myself will feel like there is a life without the one you lived for so many years. Sending you a big hug. Yvonne xxxxx
oh yvonne, youve described my life and feelings at the moment, my daughter is with me a lot but when she goes home i hardly move off the couch , i can cope fine when im not on my own , but then its time to grieve , which i suppose we need . i beat myself up for the times i lost my temper , that poor lovely man didnt deserve that but it was so hard to keep getting him up off the floor not because hed fallen but because hed slipped down , i felt helpless, not strong enough ,id have to put him to bed where i new he was safe. one day it was 5 times up tio lunchtime . but then its gone , if only we knew how much time we had left with them , well get through it one day and were not alone , weve got love of family who are also finding it so hard . take care linda xx
If you are happier when friends visit, then continue to do that until you feel stronger and more able to move on and go out.
There is no rule book for grief. George was a big part of your life for many years and so it must feel very strange for you now but rest assured he is all around you and would not want you to be so sad.
I truly believe George is by your side as you were his and helping you through.
Yvonne no one could have looked after George better,you were always there for him,he knew how much you and all the family loved him. Now as hard as it is you have to make a new life for yourself. The rest of your family love and need you and you have to make new memories. January and February are such horrible dismal months but soon you will be able to go in your lovely garden . Don't beat yourself up it is such early days yet. It was good to see you on Saturday and I will be around soon to give you a big hug and have a chat. Pauline xox
My heart goes out to you, as I’m sure without reading all the replies yet, does everyone else’s!
You were an absolutely amazing wife to George and you couldn’t have done more for him.
Keep doing as you are, there is no wrong or right, just do it your way. I do hope you contact the hospice next week as they will be able to give you some help and I know that you’d benefit from that. I had counselling at the hospice in the early days of Dad’s illness and it certainly helped me.
My heart goes out to you my darling and we will have some lovely cuddles next week.
Amanda you are an amazing lady, thanks to PSP we met, not a happy place to be but we found so many lovely friends, I thank god for you all being here for me/each other. Yvonne xxxx
Dear Yvonne, I know how it feels and I know it changes but doesn't get better.
You know you did your very best for George. As we are human we all get exhausted and angry. You know all of us know that very well. You had so much stress with George.
I also felt the same feelings. I remember feeling I hadn't made him feel loved enough. I knew that I had kept kissing him after Heady told me to ! But I couldn't remember. Our mind plays tricks on us.
Then I was flooded with memories of how he was before PSP The feeling of loss was overwhelming again.
For me its getting a balance between allowing myself to feel the pain but also maintaining social interactions for when I'm ready.
Allow yourself time. Remember we are grieving for the pain of years.
Hope to see you soon, Yvonne and give each other real hugs. Love from Jean xxx
Oh jean I was worried about you last time we met up, now I know what you was feeling. Sending you a big hug, hopefully can do it in person soon. Yvonne xxxx
You have been able to offload here to people who know what the whole experience is like, I hope that has helped you in some way. That in itself is a positive step, be proud of yourself.
There is no right of wrong journey in grief, you follow your own path with some loving nudges from your loved ones and trusted friends.
You are grieving for so much loss, George, loss of purpose, loss of routine even .....it will take time, lots of time. No doubt your body is also now being slammed with the negative effects of the caring role now it has ceased.
Do we ever get over a passing? No, but we can in time learn deal with it in a less painful way. Don't beat yourself up, or compare yourself to others.
Accept the support and seek support from people you love and value.
Oh thank you for such kind words, I think you are right we never get over it we just learn to live with it . Big hug to you. Yvonne xxxxx
Grief is hard. It is relentless. This is a loss you have never experienced before. I will hurt less but not for a good bit of time. That could be a number of years. It sounds like you are doing what you need to do - grieve.
Yvonne this is so awful for you. I know when I lost Les I didn't want to do much. I stupidly tried to please everyone and made myself very ill. You need to take time for you. I know you are missing George and will always miss him. Our daughter feels the same as you regarding Les being buried and can't get her head round the fact that dad is in the ground and will be so cold.
There is nothing anyone can do to help as this is so personal to you. We would all like to help you and want to help you but we can't. Please take care of yourself and think of George when ever you want to. It's so hard, I Lost Les just 14 months ago and I don't have a day when I don't think of him and re-visit my care of him time and time again. I have tried not to question myself, that too is hard. I know or hope that at some point in the future I will face a day without question.
Perhaps when you visit Whitley Bay again we could meet and chat. No pressure, though it would be nice to meet you. We all understand your pain. I wish we could take it away. You are the only person who can find, hopefully, a way to go forward. I haven't found it yet so you are not alone.
Dear Yvonne. I read your post with sadness as it brought back memories of my worse patch after my first husband died. I think for the 1st few months one lives on adrenaline and then one suddenly sinks as reality takes over. The winter does not help either. Chris died of cancer but my husband now has CBD and again I don't know if I am doing things right but I am doing the best that I can, and from what I have read of posts by you and to you, you did just that for George with lots of love. I wrote poetry after Chris died and all that you are saying is said in my poems including wanting to just stay safe in the house and wanting to get rid of the image you have in your head. Bereavement is a horrible cycle but you will eventually come out the other side, never the same, and not on the path you wanted your life to take, but you will be able to look forward with a smile in your heart instead of a tear that rips you apart. Have you spoken with your GP? I attach a poem about getting help. It is hard to admit that you cannot manage especially as you have been a carer and have somehow 'always' coped. My love and prayers go out to you. Look for the daffodils popping their leaves up through the ground and know that under the ground is warmer as Geoge will be too. Love and a big hug AliBee
Help
I was not sleeping and I was crying so much,
With the rest of the world I felt out of touch.
So I went to the doctor to ask for help
To cope with the crying and how I felt.
We sat and we talked the whole thing through
And he told me my feelings were nothing new;
That bereavement commonly leads to emotions
That stir up a rumpus and cause great commotion;
That it disrupts your sleep and concentration too,
Lovely poem thank you so much, I have seen the GP going to get some counselling which the doctor feels it will help. Sending you a big hug. Yvonne xxxxx
We all grieve at our own pace. It hasn't even been a week since my sweetheart passed. Yesterday I was reading a book and I laughed out loud. The sound shocked me, it was so unexpected. I didn't think laughter was possible anymore, at least not for a very long time.
I, too, felt tremendous guilt--if only I had woken up earlier. If only I hadn't stopped doing CPR to go unlock the door for the paramedics. But, I only would have prolonged his suffering. I can't change anything, and I know I did so many things right for him during this battle. I am filled with anger and sorrow and I miss him more than I thought possible.
You accept invitations if and when you are ready. You should not have to follow anybody else's expectations right now. True friends will understand and will still be there when you have healed enough.
I think you just have to know that the pain is going to overwhelm you at times. So many of us are going through this together and I find it so comforting to have people who have shared similar experiences. Wishing you the best.
As a family we use laughter to manage. Chris and I often laughed in truly grim situations. It kept us going. When we were organising the funeral etc. we often laughed. Its a healthy sign, as long as it isn't used to stop grieving.
Cuttercat I have some really good friends I am blessed. I feel very safe at home as well. Looking after my granddaughter who is 16 for a few days, we are off to the cinema today to see Mary Poppins, then we are going to get something to eat, blessed as well with my family. Big hugs coming your way xxxxx
Oh Yvonne I`m so sorry to hear you are suffering so much. You` ve had some wonderful replies and while reading them I realise what a great community this is.
Sadly, we all have to face this outcome of PSP and deal with our loss eventually. I found I managed quite well for the first few months but these long winter evenings are hell.
I try to put on a brave face for my sons, but they are grieving too. I accepted all invitations initially but now I feel I want to stay in even though it depresses me more, so I think the advice you`ve been given is right - you have to do things at your speed but keep the door open to offers of help from family and friends.
NanBabs exactly the same feeling at the beginning it was easier, but as time as goes by it’s getting harder, have quite a few things booked loads of things to sort out, I talk to George and say what should I do. Big hugs to you lovely lady. Yvonne xxxx
Dear Yvonne, I think what you experiencing is totally normal when you have lost someone so special in your life. I still only operate within my close group of trusted friends, I actually braved going back to my yoga class for the first time on Wednesday, I dreaded walking through that door wondering how people would react. It turned out to be just fine but that's enough for now I'm sticking with that and my friends/family. It will be lovely to see you when we next meet up dear lady. Until then just do what you are comfortable with, why hurry as you need this precious time to make sense of all that has gone on for the past few years. You have been in a PSP bubble for so long it's hardly surprising that it's ultra difficult to step back into the real world, it all takes time patience and courage when these are in short supply when you are grieving.
Ok Kate this is so true, it’s hard isn’t it, just like to stay with family and close friends, can’t wait to see you all really looking forward to meeting up. Big hug to you. Yvonne xxx.
I understand, Yvonne, and I am so sorry you are going through this. The thought that he is cold IS heart-wrenching - not logical, but then nothing about grief is. I have felt that I cared for my sweetheart's body so long and so intimately and minutely that I had an especially hard time letting it go. I cope. I work. I see friends. But I miss him as much as ever. When you are ready, I'm sure you will get out too, but don't feel you need to push yourself. Give yourself whatever time you need and don't look ahead farther than you care to. It's still so very recent for you. Be kind to yourself. Rest. Love and peace, Easterncedar/Sarah
Feel free to feel sad. You must have had a lovely,blessed relationship and you miss him. Thank you for sharing that and honoring him and yourself. Be there.
Sarah it’s so hard I just keep thinking about him all the time, if I see someone in a wheelchair it reminds me of George and brings it all back, nearly three months since he left me, times go so quick it’s frightening. Big hug coming your way. Yvonne xxxxx
My Dear Yvonne, have been thinking of you so much, what you are feeling is completely normal, there so many stages that one goes threw when someone they love passes away. Not very easy with the pain you have in your heart, I will pray for you that you will the strength to get over these hurdles one at a time in time you will heal, but never will be the same. Take care and many hugs to you. Nettie❤️
It's all been said but I add my voice to theirs: You aren't wrong - do grief your way, BUT...it IS good to have a challenge or two to keep pushing yourself out of the downward spiral. Maybe agree with yourself to take up ONE invitation per week to get out for coffee etc, whether you feel like it or not! That's what I've been doing, and honestly I DON'T feel like it at the time - but I do feel better in the long run!
Yvonne I can’t add anything to what has already been said. I think about you so much and although I am in the very early days of grief I can relate to it getting harder to deal with. I don’t know what the answer is but I do know that you did your absolute best for George and he will know that so try and go easy on yourself. It’s a hard time though isn’t it, I find whenever I go anywhere I almost feel that I am not really there but as though I am watching myself doing whatever it is I am doing, it’s almost as though I can’t fully participate. Sending you lots of love and hugs
Dear Yvonne, you have been an inspiration to me and a great friend on this forum and I feel so sad that you are hurting so much. There have been wonderful replies to you, much better written than I could do, but I echo their sentiments. Take care and do what you think is best for you. Sending you love, hugs and keeping you in my prayers. (Marion) Nanny857xx
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Audrey xxxx
So sad
