Funeral for Charles was lovely, everyone gone now and house completely quiet. No phone calls, no emails, nothing.
I'm numb, can't think straight and walk around in circles. Strange.
Interment will come in a few weeks and then it will begin all over again. People ask me what my plans are. What plans? I can't even drink it all in. So many emotions and I'm alone. From a busy life to emptiness on every level.
Thank you for your support and prayers, I still need them.
Cuttercat
Cuttercat you are not alone. We are all here for you. Complete with prayers!
People have no idea do they? You are supposed to brush yourself down and overnight make a new life. Here I am over 12 months later and I still can't do it!! I still feel frozen. The World Cup has kept me going and I don't even like football. Today is the start of Wimbledon. Will probably switch from one to the other! Sad isn't it? What will I do when they finish? Well that's where taking a day at a time comes in.
See what rubbish there is on TV. There is bound to be something? Treat yourself to some nice fruit. Spoil yourself. Just do whatever you want C. Make sure it is something you like though. Says she who is looking at football almost non-stop! 😂
As you said you will have to go through it again in a few weeks?
Hugs to you and know you are thought about. Come here and have a cry or moan whenever you want. You won't be alone.
Marie x
Every night I drift of to sleep listing to the songs of Willie Nelson.............. one of my favorites comes to mind and I thought of it reading your sad news.
XXX
Patrick.
youtube.com/watch?v=rdtx-px...
Thats lovely Patrick... 😌🎼💙
That's one beautiful song!
The afterwards is the hard part for you. I had a much loved friend die 24 years ago. I didn’t know how much I was going to miss him until he was gone. I sat with him for the last 8 hours of his life. When he died I felt a relief. Next morning I wanted to call him up and talk about the whole experience. That’s when it hit home.
And we will keep you in oir thoughts and concerned prayers!!
The change must be stunning..and so unreal..
I'm so grateful there are caring survivors here who can guide our newly bereaved members.
Hugs to you Cutter..XXX
Anne G.
Big hug Cuttercat coming your way, love to be able to do it in person xxxxx
Another big hug from me too!
I remember that deafening silence afterwards. Everyone else seems to go about their business and no-one calls! Except friends who have gone through loss and still remember what it was like!
We are here for you! It takes a while but it does get better.
After 2 years, have been able to trawl through old pictures and choose a good one finally, and it gets me thinking back to better times, before the trouble began. And to wonder what life could have been like without CBD sticking its ugly head in our way! We did make it to 50 years married.
I prefer to think back to 40 anniversary, when I was dragged off kicking and screaming for a holiday, and taken round jewelers to find necklace, ring and ear rings, all rubies! THAT WAS THE OLD NORMAL!! I was stressed and he gave me some relief. We still had to watch the rugby tho!!
So hang in there! The pain is normal, so let it be, and remember. Don't forget to look after yourself too. Do what you want! Learn to be alone with your thoughts, and remember the good times! Your memories remain, but Charles is now at peace.
Big hugs (( ))
Jen xxx
You said it.....the deafening silence afterwards. Everyone else seems to go about their business and no-one calls! Here all alone and when I do go out for dinner with friends they act like there is an elephant in the room. It's only been three days for God's sake.
I haven't grieved yet.
Cuttercat
I agree with Kevin. It is early days yet and you need to give yourself time! Your mind is in turmoil at present, not knowing what to think and thinking about past years.
Do things for yourself! If you want to stay home, do it. Or go for walk on a sunny day. You have time to mourn and weep, time you have not had before, and time you are not used to having on your hands.
I think this was the worst time for me, when I could only think of how fast it all happened.
It will pass, and you will find time to mourn and heal in due course.
Just give it time to happen! Try and relax. If you find it hard to sleep, talk to your Dr for a short dose of sleeping meds.
Thinking of you
Hugs
Jen XXX
Hi Cuttercat
Just tell them you are giving yourself some time.
And, please do give yourself some time.
Your mind will go into overdrive trying to process the loss of Charles, it's a huge loss, a part of yourself too.
Memories will come flooding back, especially the , "could I have done better, or done more" type.
This is how our brains work. Let it flow through... Please let the guilt go... It is just your brain working things out.
Eventually it will slow, the pain will diminish and you will be left with the good memories and a feeling of loosing someone you love a lot and a good enduring love.
It's painful and difficult... just keep reminding yourself how much you did in caring for him and how you love Charles still.
Warmly
Kevin
Hi Cuttercut, we are all different and so is our response to grief. There is no right way to grieve, and what works for one may not necessarily work for another. Just remember that it takes as long as it takes. I have been told, though, that IF the deep pain continues past 4 years you need to seek professional individual therapy to help you past where you are stuck.
For me I have found, after Jeff having been dead 14 months, that the first year was unrelenting, and like PSP's caretakers, you just have to deal with what comes. I carried deep sorrow and physical ailments (grief often brings physical ailments). I too, had no idea how much I was going to miss my son. For months, for me, each morning I'd wake up thinking I'd had a horrible nightmare. It wasn't. It was real.
I still have NOT driven past his home, too painful in my mind, and like Marie_14, the World Cup has helped because Jeff use to love it and watch it. Except, he's not here to explain.
I joined a secular grief group, and several months after that ended I joined a religious one, through my church. I was the only one who had lost a child.....everyone else had lost a spouse or a parent. Yet, It was comforting for me to be among others who had lost someone they deeply loved. That's me, that may not be you.
It helped me to stay on this site....to learn more about PSP....to reach out and help where I felt I could, and sometimes to just read to remind myself of the suffering of not only the PSP person but also the caretaker.
We can share our coping mechanisms and maybe it help others or maybe not. There are no "shoulds" or "right ways", only what worked for each of us. I try each day to give thanks for the many joys in my life.....my eyesight, my health, that my son was in my life for 52 years of phenomenal health and another three years of PSP......a full 55 years.
I can feel myself healing. I have faith, Cuttercut, that you will heal too. Some day.
Just remember it takes time and reflection and tears and more time and more tears.
Death is part of our humanity....Love and Blessings, Margarita
Yes to all your suggestions. I'll join the support groups, etc. but we all have the burden to bear. It's so new and I can't think clearly. I'll keep you in my prayers.
CC
Cuttercat,
Thinking of you in this grief!
"After great pain, a formal feeling comes"--do you know that Emily Dickinson poem?
Prayers.
Lost
Thinking of you
Wish I could come up with some wonderful words of wisdom to help you get through your time of grief but like your road pass traveled,I'm afraid it up to you darling,one step at a time.
You got this.
((((((Hugs)))))
Hi Cuttercat!
After the roller coaster of the emotions of these moments comes a new stage with several alternatives. The one that seems most interesting to me is that which is based on family, friends, cultural groups, NGOs and the development of some personal parked desires that can range from spirituality to travel. After the pain, loneliness will take over, but, in parallel, so will freedom.
A big hug and courage.
Luis
Your grieving is only just starting as you have been so busy first with looking after Charles and then organising the funeral. Everyone will tell you that you have to make a life if your own but that is really hard. Although John is in a home it is like I have lost him already. It's the mornings and the evenings that I find hardest with no one to chat to. I know the John I have married has gone already. Things will get easier over time and Charles will be in your heart forever. Just take your time and treat yourself and try and remember all the good times. Pauline xx
Thank you Pauline. It will be the second grieving when John is gone and it will start all over again. So hard but we have no choice but to keep going.
Love,
CC
my hero Geoff died a month ago I know from the bottom of my heart it doesn't seem to get easier if anything at the moment it feels worse I have a wonderful family who constantly keep me involved with things but when I am at home alone I just sit and wonder could I have done more for him he is buried near by and I go to see him its difficult to find something to fill the void when you have cared 24-7 for someone and I dread the winter months you have to put on a brave face for people I have kept our allotment on so that helps and if you can slowly find something you enjoy doing I'm sure you will begin to fill your time is there any community things going on what would Charles have wanted you to do I think time will make us learn to live with it but life will never be as it was try to remember the happy times memories will one day make you smile my heart goes out to you doreen
Recently widowed myself I have some idea of the amount pain/grief that you are going through. Homilies that have helped me. I repeat them frequently include 'I will have a good day, My experience is what I decide to attend to, Have self compassion. I am calm, peaceful, relaxed and positive' we are not apart'.
I liken the intense grief pain to an operation without an anesthetic which heals as time passes. However, the scab falls off fairly frequently.
You will have heard the following many time but it is true. Talk to family and friends. Stay motivated an positive.
Ivan
I read your post with the tears falling freely. I know exactly how you are feeling, totally lost, like one half of a person, the stillness and quiet is deafening even though the television is on and the radio is playing and it seems always a song that brings back memories, so more tears.
I understand cuttercat, I really do. A bear hug for you love Jxx
Thank you. It's just like I expected but was dreading all along. I'll keep reaching out. I need to.
CC
Hi, cuttercat.
I've just come back from a short break with my daughter. A time of tears and laughter.
I know it was after Chris died I really understood the power of the word
" bereft ". I felt completely empty. I was determined to let myself feel the grief, after the funeral. Don't feel you need to do anything immediately. I can see the attraction of the culture who wail. They've got it right.
I'm lucky with my family, who are very available,. We have always talked about everything and I talk about Chris a lot. I think some people are embarrassed to start talking. If you want to then do so !
For a while I struggled with feelings of regret for what I had not done. We always were loving but I couldn't remember those bits for a while - only when I had been cross. Now I am remembering lots of pre-PSP and its wonderful - but I am consumed by the loss of that !!!
Its a hard road but I am here.
Big hug from Jean xxx
💗💐You're going to be OK.
So sorry for your loss Cuttercat. Charles is free from this evil disease but he is still in your heart. Keeping you in my prayers. Lots of love Nanny857 xx
Numb hands
Panic over cataract surgery 
Honeymoon over!!!
Trying to find a care facility, not as easy as we were lead to believe.
