Sexual life after Di Vinci: Hi Guys... - Prostate Cancer A...

Prostate Cancer And Gay Men

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Sexual life after Di Vinci

TucsonCowboy profile image

Hi Guys!! It has been nearly five years since surgery and I feel like my sex life is

over. I am 68 years old and glad to be cancer free but now I am having second thoughts

about surgery.

20 Replies

Hi TucsonCowboy,

I had my surgery 2 months ago and my sex life with my partner has changed intensely but so far it has been satisfying. My partner has been patient with me and I try a lot to return by giving him pleasure even if I am still in the healing process.

I am sad though to read your comment about your sex life being over after 5 years, because my new phase has just begun and I want to keep my sexuality open for many years... and of course I wanted always to hear about nice stories from others. I am expecting my situation to improve over time but I don't think about having made a wrong decision. I have to live with that decision and try to cope with the effects, which I knew they were not nice. Is it hard for you to do that now? I mean, what is changing your mind 5 years after surgery?



I am glad to hear that your sex life has been satisfying and your Partner is patient with you. Yes, you are still very much in the healing process. From what you have written it

seems you have a very positive outlook and a supportive Partner. From the goal/objective of getting the cancer that has been achieved and I am cancer free after nearly five years

(end of June 2013). Best wishes for your continuing recovery!! Sincerely, Rick

Hello, Tuscon Cowboy...I, too, am sorry to read your post and hope that my experience may help. I had brachytherapy in 2004. I chose that because after one year of research I believed of the treatment options it would be the one to least affect my sex life.

I was not very sexually active before that but when I was I enjoyed my time with another man or even myself.

Brachytherapy immediately changed my sex life. I used to have intense orgasms and the build up to orgasm was part of the excitement. After my treatment, that changed immediately and to this day that's where it stands. It's particularly sad for me because years later when I showed my biopsy reports and gleason numbers to a new urologist he said that if we were treating you today we probably wouldn't have gone that route.

Months after my treatment, articles started to appear about how over-diagnosed prostate cancer is and that, combined with what I just shared about the comments from a new urologist, led me to believe that I may have been someone for whom watchful waiting could have been the course of treatment.

But what can I do today ? I try not to dwell on it. I still have sex and virtually anytime I have sex with a new partner I share that my orgasms are never as strong as they once were. I don't hide the fact that I had prostate cancer.

Right after my treatment, I was invited to visit a psychologist who specializes in helping men after prostate cancer treatment. I visited with the psychologist once but it didn't help me because at the time I don't think I felt ready for his help.

I'm sharing all this because if you feel like your sex life is over maybe you need to be talking about it one to one with someone who has the qualifications to listen. Prior to my treatment, I was a member of a support group of men--gay and straight--who were diagnosed with prostate cancer and looking into treatment options. Perhaps, you can find a group for men post-treatment and the consistency of sharing with the same men may provide support.

I'm not one to say "you can't cry over spilt milk", especially with someone as meaningful as sex. I do feel that opening oneself up, talking about it and seeing what options, if any, might be available are ways to support yourself.

In my own way, I think I know what you're going through. If my experience can help you I'm glad.

Hi Harvin,

I want to thank you for your caring reply!! You addressed a number of issues that I can identify with. The over-diagnosed and the watchful waiting are among them. Due to my

personality, I tend to be very pro-active and also tend to worry. Yes, watchful watching is a

option for some but probably was not for me. There is a very good monthly prostate cancer support group that meets at the University of Arizona, medical center. The guys are

very nice and welcoming. It has been a great source of information. From the personal feelings part, they tend to be very accepting of where they are. They can and have presented countless things one could do. I have tried most of them. As I have written

responses to the individuals who have responded to my original post, something has

occurred to me. Could it be that even thought I expected better results afters surgery

in the sexual area, I can accept that but at some level feel that is a barrier to my even

having a long term relationship again? Sincerely, Rick

I am one year out from my surgery. I have not needed any further treatment, and had hoped to get my erections back by now. I am incredibly fortunate to have an understanding partner.

Hi Spencer,

Thanks for your reply. Great you do no need further treatments. From this site (and other sources) it is clear we are all at different stages of our recovery. A understanding Partner

is wonderful. Sincerely, Rick

Yes, this is the thing,isn't it. For just about everyone the RP changes/curtails/ends sex life. I'm 74, without a partner,and am occasionally active, but very occasionally. I try to remember that a lot of my peers are not even here any more (I lost a lot of friends to AIDS in the early years of the epidemic, and have lost other friends to other illnesses), and that despite two cancers and a number of other things I am relatively healthy, still working (both by choice and for extra income), and have a lot of friends, many of them relatively new friends who have enriched my life. I'd love to have more sex and have better erections, but I try to make do with what I have. Life isn't fair, but I have far from the worst outcome at this point, and I live in a country that doesn't make me happy politically but where I, at least, am relatively safe and cared for. I agree that talking with someone can help--I had some counseling and I have friends I can be open with. It helps. You may have many good years of life left and I hope you can use them both to your advantage and the advantage of others.

Hi Jim,

Thanks for your well phrased reply!! You reminded of so much; loss of friends to AIDS and

other causes. Your response made me think of what I do have and not what I don't have.

Sincerely, Rick

Hey man. I understand you. I am now 71 years old. I was very active and cruised once or twice a week. I can masturbate to a very hard erection but unless I keep it up I lose it in a minute or two. Unfortunately, the side effects of ED drugs prevents me from using them. Haven't yet tried xiaflex injections though and maybe that will help. I can say my sexual urge is similar to when I was younger.

Hi hotaampa,

Thank you for your reply and sharing your story with me.

Sincerely, Rick

I think alot of us feel alot of the same emotions even though our treatments were different. I just had my 7 year anniversary of my DaVinci experience and I can tell you in my case it has gotten better. It's taken a fucking long time and sometimes I'm still mad at the world. For a few years after surgery I regretted having it. Was diagnosed at 54 and I am married and luckily my husband is great. So far no sign of the cancer so I am very thankful I'm alive but like we all know the sex has been downsized along with my cock!!! I did alot of "self therapy" as I call it.....pumping, jelking, etc. and I know that is what helped me. So hang in there I'm sure it will get better. P.S. my dry orgasms are more intense and last longer than before....wierd!

TucsonCowboy profile image
TucsonCowboy in reply to koiboi

Hi koiboi,

Thank you for your reply!! Yes, I am also cancer free. I selected the DaVinci simply because I felt my goal was to get the cancer. I felt if it was limited to the prostate (which it was) and if the prostate was removed that would solve the problem completely. Maybe I am just

wondering if I had gone another method (radiation for example) the side effects would have not been as bad in the sexual area. My dry orgasms vary but sometimes I miss the wet orgasms. Again thanks for your reply. Sincerely, Rick

michael42301 profile image
michael42301 in reply to koiboi

You might call it "self-therapy," but that is what my surgeon told me to do: play with it a couple of times a day and try to have sex with your partner at least once a week. Six years out, it's still changing for the better.

Hi Michael,

Thank you for this suggestion of "self-therapy"!! I will definitely try this.

Sincerely, Rick

Oh, and get a pump, if you don't have one. I was really disappointed in the pump, I used it and it helped with length and added girth, but pumping up repeatedly wasn't the turn-on I hoped for. I mostly did it and played solitaire on my tablet.

Hi ya Tuscon Cowboy,

Surgery in 2002, been 16 years. No Di Vinci even offered, radical prostatectomy done. Lost most of sexual function. Tried blue, yellow, white pills, injections and no erection just blue vision and a massive headache. my partner of left me, he couldn't handle it. So bu-bye. Sexual urge is still there after so many years. I have been able to achieve an orgasm, with the help of porn and my new beau Lefty. (my hand) I agree with kioboi, orgasms are more intense than before surgery. It has been hell living on my own. supportive family is great but really don't want to talk about the sexual problems with them. Being a southern gentleman it is correct to tell anyone who has any interest in me of my sexual problems and most shy away. OyVay!

I just hope your recovery is successful!

Oh, BTW, I love cowboys....



a vegas guy here, I am now 59 and had had open surgery 2 days before christmas 2016. As soon as i got home christmas eve morning, my lover of 36 years had changed. he no longer touches me, or hardly talks to me yes we are still together but not as lovers anymore but more like roommates and that tears me up to no end as i still love him. I have lost almost 3 inches in my penis but they say thats because i cant get completely hard, i disagree with that but agree i cant get fully hard anymore and have to use viagra and cant do penetration yet at this time but seem to be getting better. i have always been versatile and have just started looking to find a partner for anal sex and hope that will satisfy me at least temperarily, would still like that affection that i was so used to but maybe in time. i am still young enough so anything is possible. you will find your prince charming again and he will accept you with all your quirks and faults. Randy

TucsonCowboy profile image
TucsonCowboy in reply to LvGuy1

Hi Randy,

This website is like a caring community. Regardless of what a person is experiencing of feeling, there are other guys on this site who can identify. With prostate cancer and being

Gay, there are various issues which in my opinion only individuals who have had prostate cancer and are Gay can understand. Everyone's situation is different but in my opinion the main goal or objective is to address the cancer. Yes, sometimes life does not seem fair

but after reading all the caring responses I received I am trying to look at what I had not what I don't have. Guess we all just have to continue to move forward and who knows where the road will take us. Saw you are in Vegas, used to go there alot. Sunday I am going with friends to Laughlin which a easy five hour drive from Tucson. Rick

Kind of late getting on this thread. I'm coming up on 10 yrs from Davinci RP (66 yo, Gleason 7; low PSA, but rapid rise). Single and wanking to porn before and since surgery. Erections came back in that situation pretty quickly and since that's what I did before, I just stayed there. 2 yrs ago I got gobsmacked with attention from a very sweet, hot, younger (40's) guy at Aspen Gay Ski Week. Made me face that I really want a real man. While getting it up just fine watching other guys do it online, I have zero to chub reaction in real life. It's such a rotten feeling to have someone so hot, working so hard and I give him nothing. OTH, I'm a great bottom. I was versatile and want to be that way again. I really miss that feeling of getting hard at the first kiss. It's often a pee squirt now. and sometimes still shoot pee when I come. I have done pills and trimix to little avail. (confess I'm not regular with Kegels, though I'm pretty active.) Have yet to find a partner to start watching a little porn with and see where it goes. I've met a couple guys who are happy being top, but i want more. (Silverdaddies, AdulFriendFinder, Grindr, Scruff--suggestions?) Not really comfortable with the baths--(I worked in STDs) but thinking about it. I have a wank pretty much everyday, sometimes more. Coming is intense and extended. Someone mentioned the pump. I tried a friend's and didn't get much, so haven't thought to invest. Cockrings haven't helped a lot either.

The PSA has come back. Slowly enough that they don't recommend Tx. Adds urgency to not putting things off.

Thanks--I really should check this site more often.


I'm in the Seattle area and open to being contacted.

Hi Skiotter,

I want to thank you for your very detailed reply. I read and reread it several times.

it helped me understand that I am not alone and there are other men who years after

surgery are dealing with the same type of issues. Thanks again for your heart felt and honest reply. Rick in Tucson

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