I wonder if any of you have had to deal with a difficult and demanding Mother
I have been trying to requalify in Wills and Probate but my Mother expects me to rescue her even though she is far away from me
I posted earlier but no reply and I spoke to the Samaritans
I realise that it is for us to be kind to ourselves first and even though I do my best for Mum it is never enough or appreciated
I wonder if anyone will reply
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Roukaya
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Hello Roukaya, I am so sorry to hear this.
I wish I could give you advice, but the only help I can offer is to tell you to trust yourself and remember that you are worthy of happiness and good mental health.
My mother and I are estranged because of her behavior (being demanding and unappreciative were actually some of her better qualities). I had to make the very difficult decision of parting ways with her in order to preserve my mental, emotional and physical health. I had consultations with my therapist and relatives who were all in agreement that it was the best thing for me to do.
It's hard to shake that feeling of obligation to one's own mother. But you also have an obligation to yourself. To your own well-being. Who is taking care of Roukaya?
Again, I wish I could be of more help to you in this difficult time. But all I can say is that you are strong and capable, and I know you will make the right decision ❤️
My mental health improved dramatically in a way that was unexpected: No more panic attacks. I had always thought that I was just a very nervous person naturally and I never had any confidence. It wasn't until I parted ways with my mother that I realized the full impact of her hurtful words and behaviors. I've been much better ever since.
My brother and father sometimes lament that they wish they could do the same, but maybe they have bigger hearts or a higher tolerance for pain because they continue to stay in her life. She is so very lucky to have them, but she does not appreciate them.
In therapy, I made a realization about my mother: She is her own person. She is an adult. She is capable of making her own decisions. We all have choices, including her, and she has made her choices. Because she makes her own decisions, I cannot be held responsible for her choices. She is responsible for her choices.
It is so hard to watch someone make bad choices that will negatively influence their lives, especially if you love that person. But you cannot be everywhere at once or solve everyone's problems for them. It is not your job. It is not your purpose. At some point, a person needs to take ownership of their life choices and not depend so heavily on others to eliminate issues.
You are very kind to give me so much credit. But I must return the compliment because I think that it takes much more strength and courage to stay. And here you are, caring about your mother's well-being, fretting over her, wishing you could do more. You are a treasure. I hope that one day, she realizes what a gem you are 💖
Again you are too kind. I took me about 29 years and my diagnosis with Multiple Sclerosis to realize that I need to cut ties with her (so I've been without her stress for about 4 years now; my health has improved and I have a much better outlook on life). Before I parted ways with her, I was so anxiety-stricken that it was impacting my ability to properly function as an adult. And then, with my MS diagnosis, I learned that stress can cause the disease to worsen, so I had to take action to preserve myself.
The reason it even took me that long, was because I was raised with the belief (as we all are) that you must love your parents unconditionally. I was told that I must stay loyal and obedient to them always. They are my parents, after all. They created me, brought me into this world... I owe it to them to be there when they need me.
Again, there is a sense of obligation for children (especially a single child, such as yourself) to love and care for their parents unconditionally. But we must remember that these ideas that have been taught to us are not written in stone. They have not been decreed by a higher power. You will not be breaking a law or burst into flames if you do not entertain your mother's every whim.
All you can do is your best. And it sounds like that is exactly what you are doing- You are doing your best. You are so wonderful to have cared for your father and to still be caring so much for your mother. I am so proud of you for standing up to that con-man. My heart breaks that you are underappreciated. But you seem to be very grounded and have a fantastic understanding of what you are/are not responsible for. Just stick to it. Follow your intuition. It will not disappoint you 💖
No need to thank me. It is oddly comforting to know that I am not the only one who struggled with mother issues. Sometimes all you need to do is vent or talk it out. I'm glad you found our conversation helpful 😊 It has been very cathartic for me as well.
And you are absolutely right about Karma. The universe has its checks and balances. If the people around you are acting negatively, they will receive negativity in their lives. On the other hand, you have done so much good- acted so selflessly- that good things will come to you. I just know it.
I hope that one day you are appreciated by the people you care for. And I hope that when you need it, people will give you the care and love that you have given to others... Karma 😉💖
A couple of the things you have said stand out to me:
"I am unable to walk away but I can set limits" - YES. Just as your mother has choices, so do you. You get to choose what you can and cannot help with. You get to choose how far you're willing to go and where you will draw the line.
"There is more to life than just being her personal assistant" - Absolutely! Just as her life is her own, your life is your own. It's never too late to discover your passions and your purpose. Limit your hours as a personal assistant to your mother and use your newly available time to " find a full filling life without being pulled back." Think about your goals. Focus on you.
See? You have great instincts. They are right here in your own words! You are smart and capable. Through your realizations and continued perseverance, you will improve your situation and carve out a better life for yourself 😊
I will be home with my animals and my roommate this Christmas. My roommate had wanted to see their family, but due to the pandemic, their plans were cancelled. We will be eating yummy foods and watching a marathon of Christmas movies! How about you? I know you will be on your own this Christmas. Are there any films or shows you can watch to put you in good spirits that day?
Yes, focus on your exam and reach out to your psychotherapist if you need to. This is a very sound plan 👍
Since you will have some peace and quiet on Christmas, you can spend it reflecting on your achievements and planning for your future. Dream big ❤️ Have a wonderful Christmas Roukaya
I'm also sorry to hear of your plight Roukaya, I can see this is not an easy situation for you. If you aren't able to do the No Contact thing for all the reasons you have outlined then perhaps have a read of this article....as it describes a technique for the next best thing.....healthline.com/health/grey-...
I hope you are able to find a way forward for yourself in changing the dynamic with your mother.
Well done for standing up to this man. If they are separated then do you still have anything to worry about? I appreciate that it must be horrible for you to hear that he's abusive to her....but that's about their relationship. Perhaps your mother knows a way to draw you in to all this....just my thoughts....if you can don't give her the opportunity to do this. Good luck, I understand how hard this is.
Hi your mother is an adult and as such makes her own choices in life. One of these is clearly to manipulate and abuse you. You need to read up on narcs and the games they play. Only then you will be able to see through them and she can't abuse you any more. Even though she is in a different country she is trying to retain her hold on you and making you unsure and anxious, and it's working.I had a narc mother so I understand their mindset. The thing you must realise is that they don't feel empathy or any of the 'normal' human emotions. They will lie, cheat, manipulate you all to get their narc supply. They will never change so all you can do is protect yourself. You have done the physical distance thing which is great, now you must learn to do the emotional distance too.
Once you understand how she operates you will be able to protect yourself. And there is no obligation for your to fall for her games or to remain in contact if you need to move on for your own sake. Put yourself first - not her.
Roukaya i hope that your doing well i am extremely sorry that your mother is being rude to you as a mother she should be kind and thoughtful and understanding and supportive not demanding I don’t understand why a mother would do that .
Narc people aren't capable of being understanding, kind or thoughtful so it's useless to keep wanting and trying for their approval. The only way to survive them is to understand their little games and ploys and emotionally protect yourself. My mother was very like this and did untold damage to me and my siblings. Out of my 3 sisters one has suffered from lifelong severe anxiety (not saying she was the only cause but it did contribute). Another has the emotional age of a teenager (diagnosed). I still have problems with relationships to this day and have never married or had children. Only my youngest sister has had a 'normal' life ie husband and kids.
You will never get a narc to show real empathy of any kind or to understand themselves. They are only concerned with playing their little games to feed their ego. You have to learn to look for love and approval elsewhere.
There is no point in trying to explain anything to a narc. They never take responsibility for anything they do. It's always someone else's fault. Like I said I have a lot of experience with a narc mother. One of the games my mother would play was the 'yes but game'. I stopped taking part in this many years ago and closed it down with 'Well you won't be able to do this then' and changed the subject. This is just one example. I used gentle humour often and refused to get drawn in to her latest drama. You need to learn these tricks too. It's not cruel but rather being self protecting which is essential for your mental health.
When I was in my 20's and got therapy for the first time. I realised she was toxic and many negative things she called me weren't true. I have had lifelong depression since childhood and I think she was at least a major contributor to this. She was always a 'physical' parent and never an emotional one. Heck she couldn't even regulate her own emotions let alone teach children to. She died 7 years ago now. I never went no contact with her but definitely low contact. I had no real feeling for her but did do my duty as I knew better and wouldn't let myself down. I do feel for you being the only child as it makes it harder.
Hi roukaya I'm so sorry you've had this set back you were been so positive and was so pleased to see your Xmas display I understand you don't want to break that tie to your mother as she is your mother, you need a mother's love and aren't getting it, I really am sorry for you I know you are all alone too and I feel at this point you should try and take a step back as you have seemed at breaking point a few times, and this conflict you have with your mother is damaging you, I so hoped you would do what I suggested and walk out and take photos, can I ask what do you do during the day and how often do you speak to your mother, these damaging men will have also effected your mum and she's got so many issues, going on too and my phone charge is running out, i hope you will try and join in more on here and please tell me what are your plans for today I'm going for a walk and take photos for one thing, take care 💛🌟xxx
Yes I understand, and that your mum has been influenced and she may have felt so dependant on them and became weak, I just would like you to have more time doing things to make you feel better like exercise hence a brisk walk and if you go somewhere nice it will help release your mind from some of your thoughts about your mum, as if you get overloded in thinking about one thing and negative thoughts this will bring you further down and you won't be able to get back up so please do something nice for yourself today I showed my mam your flowers and she loved it and said your very creative and clever, and I know your very intelligent, I feel some exercise will boost your mood, I often have issues with my mam and I have to make allowances as she is old too, it can make them a bit negative and depressed and I would hate to be in my elderly years with arthritis and things,I'd like you you keep notes of your moods and what happens in the day that changes them and your reaction, I'm suffering myself with stress and lack of sleep isn't helping but I try and do something to make me laugh have you a comedy film, or perhaps look at some funny posts on here and my walks if you look through my posts but not the one about my dad I had a set back it was over thinking in the mid of night my phone is nearly dead, please do something nice today there's so many on here that are concerned for you and care love Mandy 💛🌟xx
I can see how you cannot break ties with your mother. However, can you find some time to yourself when you can really analyse what is going on? She is getting something out of her constant pressure on you or she wouldn't keep doing it, and you need to find another way of dealing with it. Could you brainstorm a lot of ways of making her change her behaviour? Like - as soon as it starts, put the phone down on her, or just go silent and let her rant - there must be many other things, but I am having to do something similar at the moment, as well as preparing myself for future unhappy events. I realise that the way I react to the things that happen to me have something to do with them continuing. There are some good YouTube videos about narcissism online. I can recommend them. The other comments you have received are all good and valid. You have suffered enough and it's time for it to end.
I am not too bad, despite being diagnosed with four spinal compression fractures and having also just hurt my tummy (rib/internal organs - not sure). Don't know yet if I have osteoporosis but it seems likely.
I haven't sorted out anything yet. At the moment there just seems so much to do, what with appointments for both him and me and lots of "admin" arising out of that, getting scan copies for chiropractor from the hospital, renewal of passport etc., etc. There are several things that I still need to sort out but as I am battling fatigue, there aren't enough waking hours in the day.
Things are calmer between us at the moment and we will have to sort out the wills etc but that will be after New Year. We are in Tear 2 but still shielding, so not going anywhere "unnecessary".
Yes, once you realise that you are dealing with a narcissist, it makes things easier to understand and deal with, though it can take a bit of practice. There has been no contact with daughters since the upset; I don't know whether we will see anyone before Christmas. Probably not, since they will have to restrict their numbers, too. We are just two people. That's hardly better than you being on your own. Christmas is over-rated, anyway. I tend to celebrate the solstice - knowing that the light evenings will return makes me happy. Stay strong. xx
You have had lots of good advice above and I hope it helped.
Hi Roukaya, lots of good advice here and many of us empathise having experienced similarly ourselves. I hope it feels like you are less alone with this. You will need to find your own way to cut ties with your mother and one which makes you feel ok about yourself......you sound such a kind and caring person that I cant imagine you are going to find it easy even though you seem to have a very clear understanding of how she affects you so badly and what you need to do to protect and look after yourself. May I suggest not answering your phone when she calls? Or saying that you can only speak for 5 mins because you are busy ie hear her out but have no time to reply. Or will call her her back when you are free? Even if you aren't busy or have time you are letting your mother know that you aren't always available to speak to her right now ie you have your own life and can't be at her beck and call. This way you are being polite but firm.
Making changes can often feel overwhelming especially something on an emotional level like this. Start small and see how it feels - establish a few small boundaries. She may hit back and this may induce guilt in you but keep posting here for support.
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