What do you call an out-of-work jester? Nobody's fool.”
“I went to a fortune teller. She looked at my hands and said: 'Your future looks pretty black.' I said: 'I've still got my gloves on.’”..
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'.
.
Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
.
.
“I said: 'Doctor, I keep getting these dizzy spells.' He said: 'Vertigo?' I said: 'No, I only live up the road.’”.
Marnie and Maria walk into a building……….you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message -“…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…”
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”
Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’ “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘Is it common?’ “It’s not unusual.”
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” said the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy”
Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.” How’s that?” Don’t you start.”
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”
A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”.
Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
Heard the one about two aerials meeting on a roof, falling in love, and getting married? The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant
