"I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any."
"A man walked into the doctor's. He said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more.'"
"Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
"A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK, you're ugly as well.'"
"A man walked into the doctor's. The doctor said, 'I haven't seen you in a long time.' The man replied, 'I know. I've been ill.'"
"I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody; it was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be; it's been dead two weeks.' I said, 'Not only that,' I said. I said... I said it twice, I said, 'He's got one leg shorter than the other.' He said, 'What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?' I said, 'Forget the chicken; give me a lobster. And he brought me this lobster. I said, 'Just a minute, he's only got one claw.' He said, 'Well he's been in a fight.' I said, 'Well give me the winner.'"