Sadness at seeing the other woman in ... - Positive Wellbein...

Positive Wellbeing During Self-Isolation

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Sadness at seeing the other woman in my Fathers life

Roukaya profile image

I often write on here and yesterday hit me hard.

My Father now gone wad involved with one of his tenants who took advantage of an elderly and vulnerable adult .

I moved to be nearer to him but he was involved with her and the responsibility of managing his personal and business estate fell in me .

He is gone , my Mother overseas and I am on my own preparing for a resits .

I have started going swimming to assist with the isolation but as I leave the gym and walk in town this is when I see the other woman with her son carrying on with her life which makes me feels worse .

My Mother who is far away put all the responsibility on me and now all her properties are empty .

She also prioritised another man when she met him and even though he is not a part of her life she had a habit of putting her worries on me .

I think it is hard to move forward when I see how the other woman came to finish my Father and my Mother also complains of her empty properties.

I have done my fair share and I struggle at time’s emotionally .

60 Replies
bobbybobb profile image
bobbybobbAmbassador

Morning Roukaya, you have had a chance encounter, that has threw up some unpleasant memories for you. Try not to let it roller ball by triggering other events and growing your anxieties even more, especially with your resits coming up. Try to just deal with that one situation, how it has made you feel and know this person no longer has the ability to take advantage of your father anymore. I think it would be reasonable to feel upset, angry and anxious about such an encounter as it was a hurtful time for you. Accept and acknowledge these feelings, then put them to one side. As you say, you have done your fare share, focus on what is important in your life now. Not on this person. 😊🌸🌈

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to bobbybobb

Thank you for your kind and understanding reply .

There is much sense in what you say .

If I had not moved to where I am , we would have lost every and my Father would not have realised given the impact of Dementia.

It is true that she has no power of me now but also the memories are so painful at times of my Father’s other life .

She came for evening and left with nothing .

This is something I should learn to realise and accept

I will be doing a Mock Exam this morning in line and I have done this before a few years ago so it will be interesting to see how my answers have improved given the last time I took it

I wish you a good day and thank you for your understanding

bobbybobb profile image
bobbybobbAmbassador in reply to Roukaya

I am excited for you, good luck with the mock exam, I’m sure you will do just great. 👍👍👍😊

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to bobbybobb

Thanks

I will see how I do

I wish you a good day and thank you for listening

Hi Roukaya,

Try not to take with you all the problems of the past, which are better put down. You can't change the past, or really influence the future, except in your imagination. You can only really live in the present moment and dwelling on all the things that have gone wrong in the past can't be put right now.

You can change things like the relationship you intend to have with your mother in future, but you can't change her. Only she can do that. People only change when they want to, and change can be painful, difficult or downright impossible.

It's good and therapeutic to put down the things we cannot now change. Think of it as a heavy bag of shopping. You accumulate it bit by bit on your shopping trip and then have to carry the heavy weight of it home. But when you get it there, you can put everything away in its appropriate place and not think of it again, until you actually need to do that.

Don't let thoughts of the past sabotage what you need to be doing now, and that's concentrate on that exam you so wish to be successful for you. Sometimes we unconsciously use events of the past to distract ourselves from things we need to attend to right now, so stay focused on what matters today and that's to get through your exam. Best wishes and I hope you have a good day today. 🙏

Good morning

I hope you are well.

I am someone who is easily affected by painful memories of the past and it is too easy for this incident to sabotage the frame of mind which is required to pass .

Thank you for your sound advice .

I wish you a pleasant day .

Hi, What a thought provoking post, especially the analogy with the heavy bag of shopping, your comments could easily apply to all of us In one form or another.

A brilliant response.

Thanks DenBoy70! 😊

Midori profile image
MidoriVisually impaired

It is now your time to take control and blossom as an independent human being. Ignore the woman, she has no control over you unless you allow her to. She is less than the dirt under your feet.

Look forward, not back to unhappy memories. You are starting to forge your own path. Don't let little pebbles on the path trip you up.

Cheers, Midori

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Midori

Very beautifully said and thank you for making me realise I have a future ahead of me .

I hope you are keeping well and your home move is progressing well

Midori profile image
MidoriVisually impaired in reply to Roukaya

Yes, I'm fine thank you and so is my son.

Weathers a bit hit and miss, so I'm slowly dealing with the garden, when the wind isn't trying to blow me over!

More or less got the house straight, a few building works to do, but pretty much all the furniture in and sorted now. Just little tweaks left to do.

Cheers, Midori

Ghounds profile image
GhoundsReading Rabbits

How did that exam go?

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Ghounds

Good evening

I hope you are keeping well and thank you for being kind enough to enquire as to how I coped with the Mock Exam

I would like to explain I have done the exam last year but this time I did the exam on line and completed on time .

It is four essentials to grasp ;

The legal issue

The application of the law

The recourse available according to law and case law

The legal remedies available.

I was able to complete in time but I had a few problems saving my answers and I typed the answers through .

But it was not too bad and under pressure , it is better to sit the paper at home in the comfort of your home .

But I was exhausted on completion of the paper .

It is an open book exam but given the time constraints it is better to reel off the answers by learning the various principles of statute and case law

Important to answer with precision and to understand what the examiner is asking .

On the whole not too bad .

I hope you are keeping well

The actual exam is scheduled for mid September.

Ghounds profile image
GhoundsReading Rabbits in reply to Roukaya

Good to hear you finished on time, hope it gave you confidence for the actual exam. You did well considering your upsetting encounter with that lady who was involved with your father.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Ghounds

Very kind of you to enquire

I hope you are well.

It is because of my own personal experience in looking after a vulnerable and elderly adult which has made me realise how much I would like to work in this area .

I suppose when I saw her yesterday as she had bought her food I realised my Father had been taken advantage by her

In my case I reconciled that the only way I can be of help to others and myself is to undetermined the core reasons of what I aspire to do .

I thank you for asking ?

How are you coping in post Lock Down?

Ghounds profile image
GhoundsReading Rabbits in reply to Roukaya

I admire you very much for wanting to turn your experiences into helping others. I'm praying you will get a good result in September so you can see your dream progress and take shape.

I'm still shielding as I'm not confident the risk has diminished to any great extent, I isolate as much as possible for autumn/ winter anyway so it's life as normal really. Unfortunately for those of us with compromised immunity any illness is potentially serious, not just Covid!

Do you have any plans for your birthday?

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Ghounds

It is very kind of you to pray for me and I thank you for this .

I expect this virus has not gone away and it is essential you take your utmost precaution in keeping yourself safe .

I have started going swimming as chlorine in the water can make the virus inactive but is when I walk home and take the bus that it is essential to be careful .

I always wear a mask and use hand sanitizers but how careful must you be .

I have learnt to understand that no one can help us but ourselves and this is something I have learnt by marginally failing the exam over three years .

I would normally be overwhelmed with my Mothers issues but I listen and support her but I realise age can be stubborn at times .

I think my Father was badly taken advantage of and through this I understood the plight of the elderly as how many are on their own with no one .

The resit is in September with a further two more and it is also essential to find a years work experience in Wills and Probate. Given the focus required for Sept I have decided to start the application process as soon as I have sat for the resit .

I would love to be my own person but to be a humane practitioner and offer an affordable and accessible service

I am hoping to go to London for a short visit and then to Wales for a few days as my birthday is in Mid August .

How do you spend your time in Lock Down.

I thank you greatly for showing a interest in me .

Ghounds profile image
GhoundsReading Rabbits in reply to Roukaya

I'm so pleased you aren't letting your natural concern for your mother stop you living your own life. Your ambition is wonderful and you will really fill a gap in legal provision. I spent a lot of time in both London and Wales years ago so hope you enjoy your trips.

I'm learning Italian on a free app, I took up painting by numbers as I enjoy art but have no ability with drawing and I like to garden when I'm well enough. I also enjoy knitting and flower arranging. I use flowers I grow myself so I can enjoy them inside as well as outside! I'm a big reader and like to watch detective programmes on TV.

You mentioned you aim to get a house with a garden one day, I highly recommend growing things!

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Ghounds

Good evening

Thank you for your reply .

Do you enjoy learning Italian

Italy is a very beautiful country and I wonder what has inspired you to study Italian .

There is nothing more beautiful and satisfying than growing you own flowers .

I think I would love to sell the rental flat and buy a home one day .

I wonder also what you knit and which flowers do you like ?

Ghounds profile image
GhoundsReading Rabbits in reply to Roukaya

I studied French and German at school and always liked the idea of learning more languages, thought I had better make a start as I'm not getting any younger 😁. As I knew some basic Italian I started there. I'm enjoying learning new words and it's satisfying to make progress.

I'm knitting a jumper at the moment. I've made them as gifts before, also hats and scarves. I've also made dog coats!

As for flowers I love scented lilies, sweet peas, roses, foxgloves, peonies, nicotiana, a long list! I don't use chemicals in the garden and have lots of insects and pollinators. I try to have something in flower almost all year round as long as the weather doesn't get too cold in winter.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Ghounds

It must be very nice to grow your own flowers.

I think Covid has taught me what is important in life .

It is interesting that you have many varied interests .

I think life long learning also good to maintain and making progress can be very rewarding .

Somethings I did not understand the first time round are beginning to make sense to me because I have the time to understand.

Prior to Lock Down if I was too lonely I would go over and visit Mum help her with the Properties but I am learning to concentrate on the task at hand .

I like Roses and Lilies .

Ghounds profile image
GhoundsReading Rabbits in reply to Roukaya

You will be growing flowers one day I expect! I think having interests and learning is good for mental health and also for brain health.

I have the impression your mother is one of those ladies who will always find someone to run around after her, whether that is you or someone else! It will be healthy for you and also for her if you are not always at her beck and call. You have the right to make a good life for yourself here and I think you are realising that now.

You have spoken about not having friends, well you have made plenty on here and when your confidence grows you will be able to make them in "real" life too. You are a nice person! You have a lot to offer.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Ghounds

Good evening

Thank you for your very encouraging words .

I have supported my Mother a great deal when we discovered that my Father had another woman.

All that I did was taken for granted and expected of me .

It seems you have diagnosed my Mother very well .

I discovered how she prioritised a male friend over me because he was great support to her .

However he became controlling and abusive to Mum and I stood up to him .

In a way, given the way I have been treated by my Mother in the past , I realised there has to be a life for me somewhere .

May be given my Mother’s treatment of me expecting me to resolve all of her problems has made me realise that I really need to make a life for me .

I learnt by volunteering at Age Uk how my practical help and advice was appreciated and valued and by working in Private Practice I realised the necessity of providing affordable legal services for the vulnerable members of the community .

May be we evolve and we grow through our own unique life experiences and through this we can positivity impact others .

Confidence is key as well as self belief .

I hope you are keeping well and thank you again for encouraging me .

Ghounds profile image
GhoundsReading Rabbits in reply to Roukaya

Some people never learn and grow...I think if you don't learn lessons from your experiences the circumstances tend to recur until you do! It's always good to help others if possible, my faith certainly teaches that as I believe yours does too.

I have enjoyed seeing you blossom and grow in yourself these last few months. I will be so excited to see you pass those exams and realise your dream.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Ghounds

Good evening

It is very encouraging to read that you have seen me grow .

May I have subconsciously without me even knowing .

The first step will be the September resit to be followed by a further two a finding a years work experience.

Once by God s grace I overcome these hurdles I would love to open a little legal practice .

I have had that many knocks in life that I would like to turn my life around and be my own independent person .

I think my Mother is someone who I have to stand up to at times especially as my two Aunties who hardly call me tell my Mother that I should not go away for my Birthday.

I told Mum who are they as they hardly ring I am not willing to listen their opinion .

Given the ever present nature of Covid it us essential to be careful.

I thank you again for listening and talking to me.

I wish you a very peaceful evening

Ghounds profile image
GhoundsReading Rabbits in reply to Roukaya

You're a grown woman and can go away for your special day if you choose! I don't see your Aunties offering to do something nice for you so you please yourself. I've enjoyed our chat this evening. Warmest best wishes.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Ghounds

I have also been pleased to talk too

Kindest Regards

I meant my Mum can be stubborn at times

Glad you got through the mock exam ok 👍

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to

Hello

I hope you are ok

The Mock Exam is a warm up for the real thing .

I am touched you have enquired

I will get the Mock Exam result in three weeks .

I think practice once a week is essential as my brain cells need warm up exercises .

How are you ?

How have you been managing in Lockdown?

in reply to Roukaya

Well done, practice makes perfect as they say 👍😃

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to

Thank you

I hope you are keeping well

in reply to Roukaya

Yes thanks, looking forward to a very warm weekend according to the weather forecast, have you booked your holidays yet

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to

I am looking at the cost implications

There is a special offer for Wales and the cost of London is becoming quite expensive

But there is a beautiful Mosque in Central London that I like to visit abs this is why I am hoping to go

Have you anything planned for the weekend?

in reply to Roukaya

If the weather is going to be good probably spending it in the garden pottering , and I’ve got some plants to put in. London is very expensive now, have you been to Wales before.?

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to

I visited Wales many years ago but I am hoping to visit Llandudno.

I hear it takes very scenic and tranquil and a retreat .

in reply to Roukaya

Yes, Llandudno is very nice 👍

Midori profile image
MidoriVisually impaired in reply to Roukaya

If you could get to Woking, there is the Shah Jehan Mosque there, it was the first Mosque in Britain. Woking is on the Waterloo to Portsmouth train line. Fairly close, on Horsell Common is a WW1 Muslim Burial ground, which has been transformed into a Peace garden. (the burial ground itself was only temporary, the bodies have been repatriated).

Cheers, Midori

Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that you are still struggling my dear, I love when you say you go swimming and into town!!

Please continue with your activities and if you happen to see this lady, turn your head and walk on by 😊 !!!

Take care and keep safe and keep positive and happy vibes will encourage your days X

Very kind words

How are you

How are managing in Lockdown?

Oh I’m coping, but I’m not really hopeful that Covid19 will be dealt with for a good while. So, my new mantra is, take care, do what I can to keep safe along with my family and friends, enjoy, instead of worrying!!!

You are doing so much better R and I wish you all the best in your studies 😊💕🌈📿

Thank you for saying I am doing much better

I hope you continue to keep well

Stay Safe

focused1 profile image
focused1Reading Rabbits

It's hard Roukaya and you have been though so much but you are important. You need to focus on you.Try and park what you can't change in a corner for a while why you concentrate on your future. You have been brave to carry on with passing these exams which will give you change and provide that badly needed stepping stone you deserve. It's pointless telling you about my story or anyone elses as this is about you but you aren't alone when it comes to understanding /showing empathy for the awful times you have endured but you must really put yourself first - if even for the short period of passing exams , seeking work which will really give you that belief in yourself that I suspect has dwindled as you keep casting your mind back to the past which none of us can change .

You seem strong and determined as you are now resitting which takes courage to do .Good luck with your mock and please try to put more attention onto yourself as I feel this will put you in a much better place moving forward.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to focused1

Thank you for your kind words of support and understanding.

I am studying and it will be my fourth attempt in Sept as two were marginal and borderline failures .

I think I will prepare as best as I can before I go away for a few day’s before my Birthday.

It is incredibly lonely as my Mother lives overseas but she also met someone and she also prioritised him over me until their friendship ended .

I think that I should try to believe in myself more abs hope I can make a better life for myself and especially for those who truly need help .

I hope you are keeping well .

focused1 profile image
focused1Reading Rabbits in reply to Roukaya

I took my driving test 7 times , ridiculed by the men around me who had minus 5 lessons , jumped in a car and passed first time but when I passed it gave me that confidence , freedom to travel to a new job so it doesn't matter how many attempts. You will do this but please try and block all the nasties whilst you sort your own future and plans out .

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to focused1

I hope you are well.

Very interesting that you passed your driving test on your seventh attempt .

I think in the end success it the best revenge but how amazing you passed.

I hope you are keeping well in Lock Down.

In the end we will never know how much we can achieve unless we take the appropriate steps to made our life that much better .

focused1 profile image
focused1Reading Rabbits in reply to Roukaya

Thanks ...yes my stubborn attitude and sheer amount of money / time / effort made me continue . This was years ago but it is a warning to me that I mustn't allow not doing something first time to make me give up . I now work as a part time nursery nurse and part time cleaner . My mum would have hated the cleaning work and would have been very ashamed to tell anyone but I meet people and get paid for the help I give them . I was governed by my mum at times especially discouraged to be me but when I had my own family I knew I was ultimately responsible for them and not my mum . It is hard to break free but I feel secretly she was proud of me even though she never verbally told me .

Please do things for you as your life will go on with consequences if you don't target the things that will allow you to get ahead. It took me years of upset to realise this but the rewards were a lot better than I ever thought they would be.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to focused1

Very inspiring thank you for your understanding.

To persevere and believe in ourselves is fundamentally important in bringing about progressive change

This woman is nothing to you now, concentrate on your exam. You can’t change the past and what after all was your fathers decision x

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Misty4

This is much is true and something I have to accept .

I hope you are well

Hello Roukaya

One my favorite sayings is "If it were not for other people, I would not have any problems". You can not change the past, just go forward with strength. Blessings.

Yes thank you I am well xx

Don’t you think it’s time that you start taking care of you? I know it may be hard but tell your Mother (and whoever else) that you can no longer shoulder their responsibilities! And, don’t falter; do not let let them change your mind because they will try! And your loneness. Without knowing you I can’t offer any suggestions but I do know how you feel. I do not make friends easily; I have many acquaintances, but friends, no. Maybe 2 I can count on - up to a point. But, don’t despair. You never know what tomorrow might bring. 🤫🤭🤔🤗

Good evening

I hope you are well.

Thank you for your reply .

I will be turning 51 in August and I am well aware I need to take responsibility of my own life .

It is during Lockdown I have been able to realise this

I am studying for part one of the Diploma in Wills and Probate as I have previously missed the pass mark .

I hope to start applying for a years work experience in Wills and Probate once I have resat the exam in mid September.

May be the day I find employment, I can start to interact with people .

I hope you are keeping well.

How have you been managing in Lockdown?

ROUKAYA,

SORRY FOR YOUR TROUBLES BUT REMEMBER-

YOU CAN'T GO FORWARD IF YOU'RE LOOKING BACK.

TRY TO LET IT GO AND MOVE ON-

MY BEST TO YOU,

LEE

Midori profile image
MidoriVisually impaired

Hi Roukays,

You took the bull by the horns when you started to drive again, that took a lot of courage, but you did it. You have shown us and yourself that you can do it.

These wobbles of confidence happen, but you can overcome your difficulties. Personally when my inner voice starts to tell me that I can't, I say 'Watch Me!' and go out and do it!

Cheers, Midori

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Midori

Very kind advice

I am a little shattered but I think why should we be treated differently or unfairly .

May this is why I took a stand

How are you

Is your home progressing well.

Midori profile image
MidoriVisually impaired in reply to Roukaya

Hi Roukaya,

Yes, The house is going well, but nearly time to call a halt with furnishing. My son bought himself a Replica sword the other day. It comes up to my chin!

I have to start being careful with money now, to make sure I have enough to deal with the kitchen, bathroom, build a small conservatory and the garden.

Hopefully by next summer it will be the way I want it.

Cheers, Midori.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Midori

I think it is important always to keep an eye on the financial implications as well as creating a home to your specifications.

They say everything comes to those who wait

Kind Regards

Midori profile image
MidoriVisually impaired

Very true.

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