My Father now gone wad involved with one of his tenants who took advantage of an elderly and vulnerable adult .
I moved to be nearer to him but he was involved with her and the responsibility of managing his personal and business estate fell in me .
He is gone , my Mother overseas and I am on my own preparing for a resits .
I have started going swimming to assist with the isolation but as I leave the gym and walk in town this is when I see the other woman with her son carrying on with her life which makes me feels worse .
My Mother who is far away put all the responsibility on me and now all her properties are empty .
She also prioritised another man when she met him and even though he is not a part of her life she had a habit of putting her worries on me .
I think it is hard to move forward when I see how the other woman came to finish my Father and my Mother also complains of her empty properties.
I have done my fair share and I struggle at time’s emotionally .
Written by
Roukaya
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
The ability to reply to this post has been turned off.
Morning Roukaya, you have had a chance encounter, that has threw up some unpleasant memories for you. Try not to let it roller ball by triggering other events and growing your anxieties even more, especially with your resits coming up. Try to just deal with that one situation, how it has made you feel and know this person no longer has the ability to take advantage of your father anymore. I think it would be reasonable to feel upset, angry and anxious about such an encounter as it was a hurtful time for you. Accept and acknowledge these feelings, then put them to one side. As you say, you have done your fare share, focus on what is important in your life now. Not on this person. 😊🌸🌈
If I had not moved to where I am , we would have lost every and my Father would not have realised given the impact of Dementia.
It is true that she has no power of me now but also the memories are so painful at times of my Father’s other life .
She came for evening and left with nothing .
This is something I should learn to realise and accept
I will be doing a Mock Exam this morning in line and I have done this before a few years ago so it will be interesting to see how my answers have improved given the last time I took it
I wish you a good day and thank you for your understanding
Try not to take with you all the problems of the past, which are better put down. You can't change the past, or really influence the future, except in your imagination. You can only really live in the present moment and dwelling on all the things that have gone wrong in the past can't be put right now.
You can change things like the relationship you intend to have with your mother in future, but you can't change her. Only she can do that. People only change when they want to, and change can be painful, difficult or downright impossible.
It's good and therapeutic to put down the things we cannot now change. Think of it as a heavy bag of shopping. You accumulate it bit by bit on your shopping trip and then have to carry the heavy weight of it home. But when you get it there, you can put everything away in its appropriate place and not think of it again, until you actually need to do that.
Don't let thoughts of the past sabotage what you need to be doing now, and that's concentrate on that exam you so wish to be successful for you. Sometimes we unconsciously use events of the past to distract ourselves from things we need to attend to right now, so stay focused on what matters today and that's to get through your exam. Best wishes and I hope you have a good day today. 🙏
I am someone who is easily affected by painful memories of the past and it is too easy for this incident to sabotage the frame of mind which is required to pass .
Thank you for your sound advice .
I wish you a pleasant day .
• in reply to
Hi, What a thought provoking post, especially the analogy with the heavy bag of shopping, your comments could easily apply to all of us In one form or another.
It is now your time to take control and blossom as an independent human being. Ignore the woman, she has no control over you unless you allow her to. She is less than the dirt under your feet.
Look forward, not back to unhappy memories. You are starting to forge your own path. Don't let little pebbles on the path trip you up.
Good to hear you finished on time, hope it gave you confidence for the actual exam. You did well considering your upsetting encounter with that lady who was involved with your father.
It is because of my own personal experience in looking after a vulnerable and elderly adult which has made me realise how much I would like to work in this area .
I suppose when I saw her yesterday as she had bought her food I realised my Father had been taken advantage by her
In my case I reconciled that the only way I can be of help to others and myself is to undetermined the core reasons of what I aspire to do .
I admire you very much for wanting to turn your experiences into helping others. I'm praying you will get a good result in September so you can see your dream progress and take shape.
I'm still shielding as I'm not confident the risk has diminished to any great extent, I isolate as much as possible for autumn/ winter anyway so it's life as normal really. Unfortunately for those of us with compromised immunity any illness is potentially serious, not just Covid!
It is very kind of you to pray for me and I thank you for this .
I expect this virus has not gone away and it is essential you take your utmost precaution in keeping yourself safe .
I have started going swimming as chlorine in the water can make the virus inactive but is when I walk home and take the bus that it is essential to be careful .
I always wear a mask and use hand sanitizers but how careful must you be .
I have learnt to understand that no one can help us but ourselves and this is something I have learnt by marginally failing the exam over three years .
I would normally be overwhelmed with my Mothers issues but I listen and support her but I realise age can be stubborn at times .
I think my Father was badly taken advantage of and through this I understood the plight of the elderly as how many are on their own with no one .
The resit is in September with a further two more and it is also essential to find a years work experience in Wills and Probate. Given the focus required for Sept I have decided to start the application process as soon as I have sat for the resit .
I would love to be my own person but to be a humane practitioner and offer an affordable and accessible service
I am hoping to go to London for a short visit and then to Wales for a few days as my birthday is in Mid August .
How do you spend your time in Lock Down.
I thank you greatly for showing a interest in me .
I'm so pleased you aren't letting your natural concern for your mother stop you living your own life. Your ambition is wonderful and you will really fill a gap in legal provision. I spent a lot of time in both London and Wales years ago so hope you enjoy your trips.
I'm learning Italian on a free app, I took up painting by numbers as I enjoy art but have no ability with drawing and I like to garden when I'm well enough. I also enjoy knitting and flower arranging. I use flowers I grow myself so I can enjoy them inside as well as outside! I'm a big reader and like to watch detective programmes on TV.
You mentioned you aim to get a house with a garden one day, I highly recommend growing things!
I studied French and German at school and always liked the idea of learning more languages, thought I had better make a start as I'm not getting any younger 😁. As I knew some basic Italian I started there. I'm enjoying learning new words and it's satisfying to make progress.
I'm knitting a jumper at the moment. I've made them as gifts before, also hats and scarves. I've also made dog coats!
As for flowers I love scented lilies, sweet peas, roses, foxgloves, peonies, nicotiana, a long list! I don't use chemicals in the garden and have lots of insects and pollinators. I try to have something in flower almost all year round as long as the weather doesn't get too cold in winter.
I think Covid has taught me what is important in life .
It is interesting that you have many varied interests .
I think life long learning also good to maintain and making progress can be very rewarding .
Somethings I did not understand the first time round are beginning to make sense to me because I have the time to understand.
Prior to Lock Down if I was too lonely I would go over and visit Mum help her with the Properties but I am learning to concentrate on the task at hand .
You will be growing flowers one day I expect! I think having interests and learning is good for mental health and also for brain health.
I have the impression your mother is one of those ladies who will always find someone to run around after her, whether that is you or someone else! It will be healthy for you and also for her if you are not always at her beck and call. You have the right to make a good life for yourself here and I think you are realising that now.
You have spoken about not having friends, well you have made plenty on here and when your confidence grows you will be able to make them in "real" life too. You are a nice person! You have a lot to offer.
I have supported my Mother a great deal when we discovered that my Father had another woman.
All that I did was taken for granted and expected of me .
It seems you have diagnosed my Mother very well .
I discovered how she prioritised a male friend over me because he was great support to her .
However he became controlling and abusive to Mum and I stood up to him .
In a way, given the way I have been treated by my Mother in the past , I realised there has to be a life for me somewhere .
May be given my Mother’s treatment of me expecting me to resolve all of her problems has made me realise that I really need to make a life for me .
I learnt by volunteering at Age Uk how my practical help and advice was appreciated and valued and by working in Private Practice I realised the necessity of providing affordable legal services for the vulnerable members of the community .
May be we evolve and we grow through our own unique life experiences and through this we can positivity impact others .
Confidence is key as well as self belief .
I hope you are keeping well and thank you again for encouraging me .
Some people never learn and grow...I think if you don't learn lessons from your experiences the circumstances tend to recur until you do! It's always good to help others if possible, my faith certainly teaches that as I believe yours does too.
I have enjoyed seeing you blossom and grow in yourself these last few months. I will be so excited to see you pass those exams and realise your dream.
It is very encouraging to read that you have seen me grow .
May I have subconsciously without me even knowing .
The first step will be the September resit to be followed by a further two a finding a years work experience.
Once by God s grace I overcome these hurdles I would love to open a little legal practice .
I have had that many knocks in life that I would like to turn my life around and be my own independent person .
I think my Mother is someone who I have to stand up to at times especially as my two Aunties who hardly call me tell my Mother that I should not go away for my Birthday.
I told Mum who are they as they hardly ring I am not willing to listen their opinion .
Given the ever present nature of Covid it us essential to be careful.
I thank you again for listening and talking to me.
You're a grown woman and can go away for your special day if you choose! I don't see your Aunties offering to do something nice for you so you please yourself. I've enjoyed our chat this evening. Warmest best wishes.
Oh I’m coping, but I’m not really hopeful that Covid19 will be dealt with for a good while. So, my new mantra is, take care, do what I can to keep safe along with my family and friends, enjoy, instead of worrying!!!
You are doing so much better R and I wish you all the best in your studies 😊💕🌈📿
If you could get to Woking, there is the Shah Jehan Mosque there, it was the first Mosque in Britain. Woking is on the Waterloo to Portsmouth train line. Fairly close, on Horsell Common is a WW1 Muslim Burial ground, which has been transformed into a Peace garden. (the burial ground itself was only temporary, the bodies have been repatriated).
It's hard Roukaya and you have been though so much but you are important. You need to focus on you.Try and park what you can't change in a corner for a while why you concentrate on your future. You have been brave to carry on with passing these exams which will give you change and provide that badly needed stepping stone you deserve. It's pointless telling you about my story or anyone elses as this is about you but you aren't alone when it comes to understanding /showing empathy for the awful times you have endured but you must really put yourself first - if even for the short period of passing exams , seeking work which will really give you that belief in yourself that I suspect has dwindled as you keep casting your mind back to the past which none of us can change .
You seem strong and determined as you are now resitting which takes courage to do .Good luck with your mock and please try to put more attention onto yourself as I feel this will put you in a much better place moving forward.
I took my driving test 7 times , ridiculed by the men around me who had minus 5 lessons , jumped in a car and passed first time but when I passed it gave me that confidence , freedom to travel to a new job so it doesn't matter how many attempts. You will do this but please try and block all the nasties whilst you sort your own future and plans out .
Thanks ...yes my stubborn attitude and sheer amount of money / time / effort made me continue . This was years ago but it is a warning to me that I mustn't allow not doing something first time to make me give up . I now work as a part time nursery nurse and part time cleaner . My mum would have hated the cleaning work and would have been very ashamed to tell anyone but I meet people and get paid for the help I give them . I was governed by my mum at times especially discouraged to be me but when I had my own family I knew I was ultimately responsible for them and not my mum . It is hard to break free but I feel secretly she was proud of me even though she never verbally told me .
Please do things for you as your life will go on with consequences if you don't target the things that will allow you to get ahead. It took me years of upset to realise this but the rewards were a lot better than I ever thought they would be.
One my favorite sayings is "If it were not for other people, I would not have any problems". You can not change the past, just go forward with strength. Blessings.
Don’t you think it’s time that you start taking care of you? I know it may be hard but tell your Mother (and whoever else) that you can no longer shoulder their responsibilities! And, don’t falter; do not let let them change your mind because they will try! And your loneness. Without knowing you I can’t offer any suggestions but I do know how you feel. I do not make friends easily; I have many acquaintances, but friends, no. Maybe 2 I can count on - up to a point. But, don’t despair. You never know what tomorrow might bring. 🤫🤭🤔🤗
You took the bull by the horns when you started to drive again, that took a lot of courage, but you did it. You have shown us and yourself that you can do it.
These wobbles of confidence happen, but you can overcome your difficulties. Personally when my inner voice starts to tell me that I can't, I say 'Watch Me!' and go out and do it!
Yes, The house is going well, but nearly time to call a halt with furnishing. My son bought himself a Replica sword the other day. It comes up to my chin!
I have to start being careful with money now, to make sure I have enough to deal with the kitchen, bathroom, build a small conservatory and the garden.
Hopefully by next summer it will be the way I want it.
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
