I have often debated is it better to ... - Positive Wellbein...

Positive Wellbeing During Self-Isolation

9,776 members9,925 posts

I have often debated is it better to be alone or with the wrong company

Roukaya profile image

I often post on here of my loneliness but if I look back I can see that I struggle to maintain friends or keep in touch if they have said the slightest thing to cause me offence .

It seems I have chosen to be by myself in order to eliminate the risk of being taken advantage or of being dominated

But life is a series of continual perseverance

Every one is different and wisdom and maturity will show us the true friends in the end

78 Replies

Wise words Roukaya, it seems to me that you are slowly coming to understand life, I think maybe when you were young you were sheltered from life's realities and couldn't cope with them when you were on your own, , but now you are seeing how life really is, full of ups and downs, good and bad, and whatever comes our way we have to deal with it, ourselves, no one is going to do it for us, I'm in my seventies as you know and still learning about life, you can make friends as you have seen on here, take care

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to

To have friends who are kind , sincere and genuine

in reply to Roukaya

I hope you have found such friends on here.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to

I have

This is why I post on here

in reply to Roukaya

I'm glad of that, friendship is give and take, we must be there for each other when we are needed.

Agoodenough profile image
Agoodenough in reply to

That’s kind and it’s sure that the bad times don’t last and neither do the good times. Life is a mixture of emotions and you have to be ready for when the tide turns x

Ghounds profile image
GhoundsReading Rabbits

Nobody is perfect, friends will occasionally say something hurtful or ill considered. If you value the friendship you have to forgive and move on.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Ghounds

I think you are quite right

It will depend on the sincerity of the friendship

Ghounds profile image
GhoundsReading Rabbits in reply to Roukaya

Definitely. It's generally much better to be alone than with people who consistently put you down or disrespect you. As I have said before being alone is not the same as being lonely. You have to accept yourself and enjoy your own company. Acknowledge your faults and change your bad points. We all have them! Also acknowledge your good points. I think you have many good qualities but little self confidence.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Ghounds

Thank you

Little self confidence is something I need to work on

I hope you are keeping well

own company beats bad company ✌

Midori profile image
MidoriVisually impaired in reply to anon2508

But it can lead to extreme loneliness.

anon2508 profile image
anon2508 in reply to Midori

it does not need to mean you isolate yourself from everyone.you not got any close friends n family ? small circle basically is the point.

bobbybobb profile image
bobbybobbAmbassador

My idea of a friend is very different to what you get sometimes. A friend should not pass judgement, should support, listen and guide but I Think, friends like this are a rare bread. That is why, if we are true friends to our friends, we can forgive them for the foolish things they say. 😊🌼

anon2508 profile image
anon2508 in reply to bobbybobb

100 should respect you and be supportive of your life.some just use people to suit there own needs and agendas.

bobbybobb profile image
bobbybobbAmbassador in reply to anon2508

Yes, this is very true and I do think, when starting any new friendships, you do have to tread carefully until a certain amount of trust can be gained in the person. 😊🌼

anon2508 profile image
anon2508 in reply to bobbybobb

100 percent mrs. we live in a world where it can be hard to tell genuine sound people.due the the amount of snakey rats in this world.true salt of the earth people are a rare breed these days.

bobbybobb profile image
bobbybobbAmbassador in reply to anon2508

It is very hard to tell who is genuine, especially on the internet. Often it is the case people may be restricted and come back under a different name, so I think in person or on the internet, we all have to be cautious. As you say, there are many snakes in the grass. 😊🌸

anon2508 profile image
anon2508 in reply to bobbybobb

i try not to be jusgemental of anyone.if i haven't gotten to know them in the real world , i have no place to judge.

bobbybobb profile image
bobbybobbAmbassador in reply to anon2508

I am never judgemental and I am guided by how people behave. In the real world and on the internet. 😊🌸

anon2508 profile image
anon2508 in reply to bobbybobb

your previous comment contradicts this one mrs.

bobbybobb profile image
bobbybobbAmbassador in reply to anon2508

You are incorrect there. Have a good evening.😊

anon2508 profile image
anon2508 in reply to bobbybobb

i am 100% correct but not in the mood to have to explain if you cannot see why.you too ✌

anon2508 profile image
anon2508 in reply to bobbybobb

was there a reason behind your comment on people being restricted coming back under different names ? have you seen a lot of this from people thats interacted with you ?

I understand what you mean. Here is where I suppose you need to be careful of all or nothing thinking. My sister seems to be friends with everyone and anyone and I used to be the sort of person who if a person put a foot wrong I’d think, well I don’t like you. Now I understand everyone is just trying to get on in life and I don’t think anyone would be deliberately unkind. Make a choice not to be offended.

As mydexter says you are slowly coming to understand life and I have also been slow to understand life not particularly being a people person and having parents who are not particularly sociable either.

Don’t be hard on others and don’t be hard on yourself.

I hope you feel you have friends on here Roukaya. Friends are funny things. You have to ride the rough with the smooth 😁

Ali 💚

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Agoodenough

Thank you

I can relate to many

I think my Mother complains about her foot aching but she does not wish to follow up treatment with a Doctor

I think at time’s my parents can be very wrong ok the sense they do not wish to seek help but complain to me when things goes wrong

Agoodenough profile image
Agoodenough in reply to Roukaya

How is your studying going, do you feel you are making progress?

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Agoodenough

Hello

Thank you for asking

I am typing up my notes and I am trying to consolidate the main points in my head

I have learnt the reason for my past three failures has been because I have been overwhelmed by the worries of my Mother

This is turn affects me

Even two years ago when I sat the exam , she screamed at me on the eve of my exam and this caused me to have a sleepless night and anxiety was high

In the end I scored 46.5 percent and the pass mark is fifty

I think my Mother has no concept of my anxiety and she always has a problem when I speak to her

In the end even though she is my Mother she has always put herself first

in reply to Roukaya

Maybe you should take a leaf out of your Mothers book and put yourself first now Roukaya , even though she is your Mum and obviously loves you, you are an adult now and must live your life as you see fit, you have looked after your parents and put your life on hold, it’s your time to live your life now and concentrate on getting through your exams.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to

Thank you

I have always taken on the worries and anxieties of my Mother but this has caused me to fail on three occasions

I think a Mother should want her daughter to succeed and not overwhelm her with her worries

In my view I would never do this if I had a daughter

If I told you about her temper and anger if I say anything wrong

Thank you for your reply

I hope you are well

Agoodenough profile image
Agoodenough in reply to Roukaya

Don’t let her anger in. Make a choice now to keep it out. Everyone has anxiety to some level or another it’s a burden to most people which is why we have to live in the now. Thinking of the future Causes anxiety, thinking of the past causes depression. Live in the now which is putting you and your studying first!

Well that’s encouraging as you only just missed the mark. I’d give your mother a wide berth around the time of your exam. She can only bring you down if you let her. Could you tell her you’re having a week away so she doesn’t call you? Just an idea 😊

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Agoodenough

To be honest I find talking to my Mum difficult.

But as the only child I am unable to give her a wide berth but it is for me not to be overwhelmed by her issues .

Thank you for listening

I wish you a good evening

Roukaya, yes you can avoid your mum, temporarily, while you prepare yourself not just intellectually but mentally for your exam. She is not close by, she is not physically reliant on you. Not speaking to you for a few days, a week won't harm her.

Give yourself some breathing space, when your exams are over tell her exactly what you did and why.

And you can, you know, just hang up on her if she explodes. Make her treat you like a deserving adult, which is what you are.

It seems to me you need to learn to put yourself first.

Thank you

You are right and I will be careful of the impact she has on me .

If I stop taking her calls she will contact my two horrible Aunties and find out why I am not answering the phone .

I will just have be very careful .

I hope you are keeping well.

in reply to Roukaya

I had a husband like that - its very hard to deal with.

Darling, I like me. And I think you should like you xx

in reply to leo60

Yes as the saying goes,

you have to love yourself before you can love someone else.

bobbybobb profile image
bobbybobbAmbassador in reply to leo60

This is very true and I am not perfect and don't expect everyone else to be perfect. We all have our fault's so shouldn't be to hard on ourselves. 👍😊🌸

Roukaya, I live in Spain, my husband and I have very little family left and old friends are all over the world, so making friends is important if we do not wish to be isolated.

What I have learned is this

You may, if you are lucky, have a very few close friends, 'besties' in common parlance, they are the ones you understand, who understand and accept you, who you can talk to freely and rely on. You may have known them a long time but occasionally someone new comes along and you just 'click'. With your 'besties' you need to put in effort to maintain that relationship.

The rest are social friends. If you want to not be isolated you need these too. But they may not share your interests, they may hurt or offend you with their words or deeds, usually unknowingly but sometimes not. You may feel it best to limit what you say to them, what you discuss with them. You simply have to accept it and keep smiling, don't let hurts go deep.

My current besties are in England and one in America. The American one I only met twice before she left Spain at the start of the virus, but we have 'clicked'. In all honesty we may never see one another again . I have friends I like here, but they are not 'besties' but during Corona our local friends have 'Whatsapped' daily to keep in contact and keep up spirits.

As far as your Mum goes, I strongly suggest you avoid talking to her for a few days before your exam, then she can't upset you. And when your exams are over, tell her honestly why you did it. Maybe she needs to hear it.

Hope your exams go well this time.

Good morning

I hope you are well.

I think you will need to be extra vigilant and careful with the outbreak of the second wave of the virus .

I can honestly say I have no friends.

I moved to Derby eleven years ago from London and I lost contact with my friends in London

I became very busy being carer to my Father during my forties and now I find myself alone .

I would like to make friends but those I have met have been sometimes dominant or would view the friendship as a means to improving themselves.

I understand myself better now and I will just have to keep trying until I find genuine and worthwhile friends

Roukaya, I hope you are keeping well too. We have, almost certainly, had the virus, we were very ill at the end of March, but not tested or hospitalized. We are better now but still have days when we feel not quite right.

Even so we are taking all precautions as no-one can be sure you have immunity, and if you do for how long.

Spain is not bad everywhere, there are some very bad outbreaks but, so far, not near us. None the less as our little town attracts Spanish tourists from the big cities we remain in near isolation.

I am so sad to hear you say you have no friends. Here we have a lot of groups and clubs we can join. Problem for us is that we do not exactly 'fit in' so we have tried some and left. We do not like football, bingo, heavy drinking and loud pop music (my husband has tinnitus and hyper-acuity) and sadly that defines many so called 'expats'.

But we have persevered and made some friends out of our efforts so it has been worthwhile.

Friends will not come to you, you must go out and seek them and sometimes it will be a bad experience. Could you join a group with similar interests, even if you have to take up a new one? Have you looked at the local U3A - they may have sessions that would interest you. Just don't expect too much too soon and remember others too are seeking to 'get something' out of the friendship.

Of course we are all in the same boat now, we haven't actually 'seen' a friend since early March. So its a good time to try to join electronic groups and make friendships through those. Again could you join one that focuses on a shared interest so you could talk about positive things?

I am expanding my on-line friends. I had a great chat with the telephone clerk at my bank yesterday and I am now really regretting not asking if she wanted to email me and keep in touch!

in reply to Roukaya

I can so understand that Roukaya, as you know I looked after my Mother with vascular dementia , she lived with us so it was 24/7, that was my life for many years, my OH had a demanding job in the police and worked shifts so it was mostly up to me, it was just me and Mum and we were very very close and I miss her still every single day .

after she died and everything settled down I was lost , my friends had all carried on with their own lives which I couldn’t join in with as I couldn’t leave Mum on her own, it took me a long long time to rebuild my own life again, try and make new friends , then of course as is life I became ill myself with RA and then fibromyalgia so that has limited me joining in with the things I had before, that’s why his forum is so great as we can make new friends online and not feel so isolated, once you get your exams over and maybe work with other people again who knows who you might meet.👍

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to

Hello

Thank you for your honest account .

I think my Mother sees my loneliness but she does not realise that by caring for my own Father , his care was given to the personal neglect of my own life .

But I realise as in your case too , that life does involve self sacrifice and the period of the wilderness years which ensue once a parent so pivotal to our life leaves us .

We learn , we grow and we evolve .

I know my Father was a very resilient person so as I will be resitting the exam , our parents even though gone are still within us .

In other words, they never go , their spirit is within us giving us the strength to carry on

Midori profile image
MidoriVisually impaired in reply to Roukaya

Very true, You are the sum of your parents, as well as all your experiences.How you react to these experiences will show in the way you live your life. Your early experiences formed your personality and later experiences, good or bad, have influenced the You that you now are.

In order to love (friendship), you first have to love the You that you are, and accept it. When we look at ourselves, we can see good and bad things. There is a Native American saying that you have two wolves within you. One is helpful, kind and generous, and the other is the mean spirited and bad part of you. One will dominate the other in your life. it will be the one you feed which dominates.

Sometimes, though the dark spirited wolf is necessary, so that you don't get walked over, being good, kind and generous can get you taken advantage of, so occasionally you need to show the teeth of the dark wolf, to regain the respect you deserve.

Can't you tell I'm feeling Philosophical today! :)

Cheers, Midori

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Midori

Very beautiful words

Which wolf do you feed

Really interesting

Midori profile image
MidoriVisually impaired in reply to Roukaya

I Feed my helpful one, having been a nurse for many years, but I know the mean one is within me, and I have used it as necessary, when someone is trying to take advantage or rip me off.

I am helpful and generous, but I will not be trodden on or ripped off any more. My late husband was enough of a monster. He fed his bad wolf.

Cheers, Midori

4840 profile image
4840 in reply to Midori

Midori, well said! This explains my nature I deal with.

In reality we have lots of acquaintances and few true friends. It is great to have both but you have to be discerning. You need to know who your true friends are. That usually becomes obvious when you have a problem. I do think that sometimes there are things we want to talk about but prefer to talk to strangers for that very reason, that they don't know us personally, especially if we have something in common. The best friends can't understand if they have not experienced it for themselves. I am glad you have found this group as you need to share your thoughts and feelings. A trouble shared is a trouble halved.x

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to Sheila_G

Thank you

People on this group are kind and understanding.

I totally agree with you, I found when I was younger, and I moved to London it was really hard to find true friends, and have not had any for many years for various reasons but life goes on and although t is not always easy we get by. I am lucky my son is my best friend now and he tries to phone me every day. Hope you have a family member who calls you.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to teresa297

Hello

Thank you for your reply

As I am an only child I usually check on my Mother

But I am lonely but I do have exams to prepare for and find a years work experience

All challenges I face in order to make progress

I hope you are well

teresa297 profile image
teresa297 in reply to Roukaya

Just be true to yourself and you will be fine

I think it's about balance rather than picking one or the other Roukaya. All of us have flaws, but it's a shame to push everyone away in case they take advantage of you. What I do is to take people at face value. If they seem to be good people, I offer them a measure of trust and after that it goes up or down, based on our growing relationship.

The thing is, it's too late when you look back, alone and friendless in old age. At least by trying now, you are making memories and having some good times and some bad times. On the other hand some people are true loners and seem to be happiest alone, so it's important to decide who you really are, I think. 😊

Good Afternoon

I would like to explain in recent time’s I have been trying to make friends and I think given the experiences of my parents , I am very careful with people .

It is true that I have been called a loner but I was also brought up in an environment which was quite oppressive as a child so even at my age of fifty I am careful given what I have been through

May indirectly this has made me a loner .

I hope you are well

But even loners need a friend or two

Hi Roukaya, I tend to agree that it's better to let people in, even when you have a tendency to like being alone. Most humans are programmed to be sociable and often it is our own prejudices or fears that make us wary of others. It's worth fighting that, because when you find a true friend it's a life enriching experience.

Good morning, Roukaya. Revising for your exams must be hard on your own. Can you find out how to contact other students so that you can chat about your subject; I'm sure that would make it much more interesting and real too. I think everyone's advice here is good but I wouldn't leave it until after your exam to tell your mum why you haven't phoned her. As you say, your two aunties will get involved, so it's worth driving the point home that you need a clear head to take the exam. Regarding friends, I would expect people in Derbyshire to be friendly as they are all over the north of England (in general). It's best to make friends before you get old, believe me. That's something to look forward to when you have your pass mark.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to MaggieSylvie

Good Afternoon

I hope you are well.

The Diploma is an online course so it is again very isolating

The local Gym has reopened so I will try to go for a few times during the week

I think I will need to start applying for a years work experience that way I could gain vital experience and earn a salary

It is coming to terms why I have failed beforehand and to go over the course materials with a fine tooth comb .

Secondly is Exam Technique and completing the exam in time

I hope you are keeping well.

Hi Maggie, I disagree with you. Roukaya's mum seems to have such power to upset her and she really wants to get this qualification so having an argument with Mum beforehand would be very negative for her. And I have the impression whatever Rouyaka says to her she doesn't listen or change.

If the nasty Aunties are also at a distance then she can block their calls as well. If they are close, really wonder if she could stay away from home for a few days while she psyched herself up for her exams.

Drastic measure, but maybe worth it to pass and get on with her life?

Difficult with the virus but a hotel room, where she is away from calls, away from the noisy neighbour she told us about, might be just what she needs.

Having worked in Universities I have seen many problems with exam nerves. Pressure to pass after failing will add to that. And family who simply are not supportive, in fact the opposite is such a burden.

I so feel for her. My mum, while she was alive, left me feeling shaken after her negative complaining phone calls. And I am made, I think, of sterner stuff and had a better support mechanism.

I get the impression from reading Roukaya's posts for several weeks, that her mum gives her grief no matter what - with frequent telephone conversations.

Yes, I do too. Getting this qualification is just what she needs to increase her self esteem and give her something positive to tell her controlling Mum.

That's why I'm thinking it could be nipped in the bud probably when her mum calls her a week or so before the exam.

Good Afternoon

You have great understanding and insight and very perceptive of you.

I think in all honesty I will not tell my Mother the date of my exam .

One argument with her will cause me to shake

When I look how I almost passed two years ago , I scored 46.5 per cent

I had said something against her male friend and she stared with her temper and she knew I had the exam the next day

She patched things up with him until they parted at the end of the year and I scored 46.5 and the pass mark is fifty percent

I lost all confidence and I sat the exam this Jan and scored 41.5 percent but this was due to running out of time .

I shall be attempting the exam for the fourth time but I am studying every day and you are very right in that my Mothers overwhelming demands can cause me to underperform again

It has taken three years of failures for me to understand where I have gone wrong

Thank you for your understanding but I will do my best to pass and make something of my life

Thank you for listening

in reply to Roukaya

Yes Roukaya , keep at your studies and try and block everything else out of your mind, as you say don’t tell your Mum about it then she’ll have nothing to say, concentrate on yourself and your life, now is your time, you can do this 👍

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to

I send you a Uber hug

My new word of the day

in reply to Roukaya

I love it, sending a”cwtch” (Hug) from Wales

Roukaya, just one final practical thing. You say you are studying hard. Does that include looking for advice on the web on exam techniques? For example you say you ran out of time, you need to manage the time to your best advantage and I am sure you will find information on how to do that suitable to the type of exam you are sitting.

Best of luck - I'm rooting for you!

Good evening

I hope you are well.

I did at Mock Exam at home and ran out of time again.

I will be doing more papers at home at from the beginning of August on a weekly basis .

Exam technique, time management and to avoid having an argument with my little power house of a Mother would all greatly assist .

How are you?

Thank you for asking

in reply to margaretpaloma

Last year I had received a phone call off my parents that had turned nasty after they demanded that I stay at my previous job where I wasn't happy and I had stood up to them and had ended up getting punished with the silent treatment and this was back in May last year and after the call I had been ever so upset!

They are still playing silly sods with the silent treatment but now time has passed I feel that they accidentally did me a favour as I'm enjoying the peace and quiet from all that silly nonsense!

margaretpaloma profile image
margaretpaloma in reply to

Oh dear catgirl, I had a lovely Dad, but he died when I was in my teens. My Mum was a bit of a controlling witch to be honest. I escaped but my older sister never did.she and my mother lived next door to one another locked in a symbiotic battle until my mother died. So many people I know have lovely families and really don't understand that some of us do not.

You are not a child, they have no right to make demands on how you live your life. Well done for standing up to them. Enjoy the peace and don't let it get to you.

in reply to margaretpaloma

The other week I had met my friend in the park and had a chat with her and a walk and a sit on the benches and she had asked me were they still giving me the silent treatment and I said yes they were but I have washed my hands of them as its not my problem how others behave and how that kind of behaviour is stupid and childish and she had said good on me for having done that saying how it's not my problem and I said how I'm still enjoying the peace and quiet.

Midori profile image
MidoriVisually impaired in reply to

You are an adult, your choice of work is nobody's business but yours. They are the ones losing out on your company, and parents have limited time left. when they realise it they will probably call you.

Cheers, Midori

I know the course is online but surely the providers of the course could put you in touch with others.

Roukaya profile image
Roukaya in reply to MaggieSylvie

That is a very good suggestion and I could look into this .

I agree. I lost my fiancee 2 years ago to suicide. He was my best friend. I have been isolated but I took a chance and made a new friend 2 months ago. I finally had to sever the relationship yesterday because of her harsh & controlling behavior. I rather be by myself.😐

in reply to Tara52

Good for you!

Midori profile image
MidoriVisually impaired in reply to Tara52

Life is too short to waste on controlling people.

there is a calm, for some, in ones own company. having never been a social animal I do nevertheless like to have some contacts but I do cull from my activity those who cant share my values. Be well

I think that if someone has broken your trust once too often, it can be difficult to find faith in people, and so you can find solace on being on your own and only keeping in contact with people who you can trust.

You may also like...