Missing the Old Me

Heraclitus said, “The only constant in life is change,” and I believe that to be true.

There are constant, immeasurable changes taking place everyday, in and around us! In our world, within our family, our friends, in our bodies; where we work, where we live.

Change is inevitable, it’s everywhere and it effects everything.

For the most part, we pretty much acknowledge and accept change without question; except perhaps when it comes to recognising the changes in ourselves.

I don’t know about you, but deep down inside (I like to believe) that I’m basically the same person that I was 20, 30, 40 years ago. Sure, I may have grown a little older (and hopefully wiser) maybe my hair is a bit greyer, perhaps my weight has shifted a bit (Yea, what on earth are my boobs doing down there?) but for the most part, I like to believe I am still that same person. For some reason that thought comforts me, so I hold onto it. However, if I’m really honest with myself, nothing could really be further from the truth.

I am not the same person I was 1 year ago, let alone 40 years ago!

Every second, of every day there has been an unintentional, gradual, barley noticeable, “snail’s pace” of constant change, transforming me and my very essence into a different person.

I’m not just talking about my age, my looks, my body, my health (Although God knows a chronic illness like PMR/GCA will certainly CHANGE the hell out of you!) I’m talking about changes to ME, the REAL me.

The ME who I perceive and know ME to be.

These changes are taking place in slow motion, but they are happening. We are all ever changing, ever evolving; and yes, unfortunately, sometimes we’re regressing and the changes are NOT necessarily for the better!

I know I look different, I have new mannerisms. My perceptions have changed, as have many of my beliefs, because as I acquired new information, my mind was changed! A lot of my preferences have changed, along with my taste in food, music, fashion… even in the types of people I am drawn to (or put off by) has changed over the years… but what bothers me is where I was once open and communicative, I find that I am sometimes intolerant and closed. Where once, I may have been soft and malleable, I notice that I can come across as hard and inflexible. I can also be pedantic and nitpicking, when the mood strikes.

Please know, these are NOT changes that I like!

I’d like to think that getting PMR/GCA had something to do with this… I’d like to be able to BLAME it on the PMR/GCA (or better still, BLAME it on the Pred!) but in all honesty, it’s been happening for quite sometime… before the PMR/GCA.

Some of these changes frighten me, because they are definitely not changes that make me a better me. I am actually less empathetic, compassionate and accepting, than I used to be. When I observe these behaviours, in myself, all I can picture is a old, crotchety, ill-tempered, crabby, judgemental, opinionated fool!

…and I hate that!

Dealing with a long term, chronic illness, like PMR and/or GCA, is hard enough… It’s tough to keep your spirits and attitude up everyday, when you don’t feel well. So it’s even more of a challenge to have to cope with these unwelcome, negative charges in myself!

I see these changes sometimes cloud my judgement and trick me into looking at things from a jaded and narrow-minded perspective. (OMG, just like my cataracts did!!!!!) And I have noticed that I sometimes make rash, biased opinions of people, based on vague, speculative data.

That’s not ME! Why do I do that?

Maybe it’s inevitable… maybe we are all at risk of eventually becoming that person that we really wouldn’t like, if we met them at a friend’s house or at a party, but I don’t think so… I like to believe we have a choice!

I don’t like this new iteration of myself and I refuse to accept it.

Perhaps we all need to be vigilant and fight off these inner demons. I for one, do not want my illnesses, my age, or my brain neurotransmitters unwittingly turning me into a cranky, old, judgemental snide, poisonous, individual!

I CAN and I will recapture (at least to some degree) that accepting, innocent, open minded, empathetic, compassionate youthful soul I used to be…

I miss the old me, but I am confident that I will find her… and coax her out of her seclusion!

[Longtimer]

I am certainly a very different person now....think I have forgotten the "real" me......for sure I am more direct, but is that becoming older though....won`t be talked down to by anybody!....

[SheffieldJane]

An unexamined life is a life not worth living. Socrates

I do nothing except examine mine. 🤦‍♀️

[yogabonnie in reply to SheffieldJane]

I hate examining mine I become consumed with GUILT for no reason. If a friend had led my life as a mother, friend, wife worker etc. I would praise them but in the night..especially during a taper I am BRUTAL on myself and get in a state of depression as there is NOTHING can be done about the past. It's a vicious circle. Disheartening. Sometimes I wish I had some FAITH. That seems to help people when they are older.

[Hidden in reply to yogabonnie]

😢

[SheffieldJane in reply to yogabonnie]

We’ve got a lot of time to think, but I have improved my relationship with my adult children. I needed to make the adjustment from a good mum when they were young to a more hands off mum, now they are independent adults. It took me ages of painful self examination to understand where I was going wrong. The solution was simple, stop being so wall to wall and overweening and allow them to make mistakes and shape their own lives. It’s hard because your status and authority is less but I’ll settle for sweet and lovable.

I agree that self examination can be guilt and depression inducing but not when it leads to positive change. Also, looking back you can be kinder to yourself.

Well done Bonnie, you made it! With all your sweet warmth intact! 🌸🌷🌺

[yogabonnie in reply to SheffieldJane]

you hit the nail on the head as usual Jane! Thanks. It is letting GO of my adult children and not controlling them. LIVING with my son and his wife and baby and taking care of the baby quite a bit put me back into controlling mode and although I had no conflict with my DIL (thank heavens) my son and I bonked heads a bit. GOOD that the have now found a house to buy and EXCELLENT thoughts from you. xo

[SheffieldJane in reply to yogabonnie]

I think that’s what put me at loggerheads with my daughter too. I had my adored grandson aged 3 staying with me when his brother was brought early and in an incubator. There were weeks of hospital . I completely fell in love with him and protecting his feelings became my whole purpose. As you know, the family has gone to live in Australia now. Our visits are marred by tensions between my daughter and I. I found it difficult to fathom because I am so willing to babysit and I thought helpful. WRONG. I was interfering and making her feel inadequate. Ho hum the overwhelming love had made me trespass. There is no manual for being a mum or a Granny is there? I was made redundant without a golden handshake.

Her little boy and I have a very special bond though.

We are kind of free aren’t we ? it was hard work ( especially when we’re sick). What shall we do with this freedom Bonnie?

[Hidden in reply to yogabonnie]

Oh the nighttime! Yes that’s when the “ negative self” thoughts tend to come for me. Why am I so hard on myself sometimes? No idea. No answer, just know you’re not alone in that. I don’t think we can possibly be objective judges of ourselves. That’s my only comfort, knowing at those times, I could be wrong about me. 😁 🤗

[Rimmy]

Of course - the very fact you have all this insight M. means you can and are very capable of reflecting on the diversity of aspects which constitute 'you' - the always evolving 'you' - so very unlikely you will ever be an extremely negative version of yourself. Anyway who and where you currently 'are' - I really LIKE you 'this' way .... XX

[DorsetLady PMRGCAuk volunteer]

Part of living is accepting that a new ME comes along every few years depending on what life throws at me personally.

ME will always have a fundamental element of ME - perhaps how I perceive ME is the difference!

[YuliK in reply to DorsetLady]

DL good post. We should always look forward. Looking back on those happy memories are good, but not to dwell , wishing that life stands still, it is a fantasy.

As the saying goes, “time and tide “ etc etc

I love being me today, wrinkles and all. I love having the insight, which I didn’t have 50 years ago.

Beauty is inside a person, not appearance.

I always remember ‘Shirley Valentine’

apologies to her lover for her stretch marks. 😂😂😂

[DorsetLady PMRGCAuk volunteer in reply to YuliK]

I embrace the freedom I have -

the freedom of not having to confirm to all the things you are ‘expected’ to when you are younger -

wearing the latest “fashion” - whether it suits or not;

keeping up with the Joneses - such a pain;

attending certain social events - that you don’t enjoy or like the people hosting them;

not having the responsibility of work and a young family (much as I enjoyed the former and loved the latter);

behaving myself - everyone knows older women are batty - so why not make the most if it!

Because I’m widowed (and although I miss my husband greatly) I do want I want , when I want, and how I want ( illnesses permitting of course!) - but where there’s a will there’s a way.

As you say, you can’t recreate the past, but you can still remember and savour the good parts - but you are in the here and now - so live it to the full - whatever that ‘full‘ is for you!

As said by many - including late hubby - ‘this is not a dress rehearsal- this is IT.‘

[YuliK in reply to DorsetLady]

That’s a lovely post , as you say, this is it. I take what life throws, and get on with it.

No time for regrets.

youtu.be/jrEEk1w9AJ4(Not working as expected?)

This 👆says it all for me. Possibly having PMR has opened my eyes, that things could be worse.

Good luck ladies. Keep smiling. 😃

YuliK 76 🌹

[Hidden in reply to DorsetLady]

Exactly !!!

[PMRpro Ambassador]

The basic me hasn't changed - the outward expression is rather gentler now though.

[yogabonnie in reply to PMRpro]

I wish I had known you young!!! (and wish I did now) in real life!

[PMRpro Ambassador in reply to yogabonnie]

[DianeA1]

Everyone around me is older than I am. I have noticed that as time goes by, old age brings out "more". If someone tended to be short-tempered, they are more short-tempered in their later years, etc.

[PMRpro Ambassador in reply to DianeA1]

Not necessarily - I have been short-tempered most of my life but I am far better able to control that now. PMR has taught me a lot.

[DianeA1 in reply to PMRpro]

When I say everyone around me is older, I mean 80, 95.....

[BethandHoney2017]

You are a very good writer. I see myself in the insight you have described. For me I retired 4 years ago and I know I had started to change into a different person. Nicer I think once out of the corporate world. Certainly happier. Then PMR hit. I don't know if it hadn't would I be different than I am today. I would like to be a much nicer person. And only I can make that happen. Our world doesn't allow us to hold on to innocence very easily but we have to look at our own space and influence that as not many of us get the chance to make a wider impact. Small things are just as important as the big stuff.

Idyllic you sound great to me and I agree with the comments Rimmy made.

[Hidden]

I absolutely love your post. It's so very beautiful ...sad ...and yet brutally honest.

Part of me wants to wallow with you and mourn for who we used to be....

And yet I find myself listening to an inner voice wanting to reassure you that you still are the person you used to be. Change is inevitable. If it wasnt for PMR or the pred (the likely culprit in my eyes) it would have been a life experience or simply pure age. Yes, we have limitations right now...and yes it is incredibly frustrating to bow to them...but deep down I hate to admit that these limitations are actually protecting us for when we will be ready to return to a semblance of our former selves.

GROW through this experience....

Read your post again... You haven't lost yourself...you are still in there....you will always be there...and at any given moment...you will be the most beautiful YOU you could ever be....x

[Koalajane]

Beautifully written. It made me look at myself and I started thinking about the ways I have changed and how my husband has changed. Certainly food for thought.

[maria40]

Of course the 'old' you is still there, otherwise you wouldn't be able to make this self-critique. Your essential values haven't changed I am sure.

[YuliK]

Well I can’t speak for others Idyllic, but I certainly like your style. You shouldn’t be so critical of yourself. You are not disclosing anything unusual to the forum..feeling ill and in pain is always making us demand things from ourselves.

“ Why did this happen to me” sort of thing.

Everyone, yes I mean everyone, looks at their life and thinks, ‘where the hell did that , my life and looks go to’ ?

But we know exactly where our time went, otherwise we wouldn’t be left with so many memories.

Things we can’t change, must be left to fade away, but things we can change, like saying to ourselves, “I’m not going to let this illness get me down, I’m going to beat it, as others before me have done “

Living with a positive attitude brings back that lovely young smile, which you obviously have forgotten that you have..

Smiles don’t change, friendly eyes don’t change, we may find a wrinkle or two around them, but they are the same friendly set if you want them to be..

YuliK 🌹

[Janet57]

When I was first diagnosed with PMR the confusion and initial pain turned me into a grumpy old woman, well before my time 😂. However, with more knowledge (mainly gleaned from this group thank you), patience, pred and managing my expectations things improved. At one point I wondered if the old me was lost forever. It’s come back bit by bit, but like you’ve said things change and we all change with the passing of time. I’m learning to embrace the change and enjoy life, and as Yulik said the smiles are the same, even with a few more wrinkles.

[Visby]

I can certainly relate to how you feel ,I long to feel how I used too and be able to do all the things I could do before pmr entered my life ,in my previous life I cooked for a living could cook for many people with no problems now I’m having a good day if I can take the top of a jar but it’s no point in thinking back all the time I try to accept my limitations and get on as best I can very challenging is pmr

[Thelmarina]

I suspect that you haven’t changed that much but are more acutely aware of your failings and you have set the bar high. It’s also a truth that we imagine a consistency in ourselves and reactions that is not quite there. Inasmuch as you may be intolerant of some things some of the time, you are tolerant of others, (or the same!) on other days. It is the nature of us humans to be emotional, erratic, stupendous and terrible. And of course the tough experiences are those when we learn truths we just don’t like! You sound nice. 😀

[BonnyQuine in reply to Thelmarina]

Spot on!

[Pollypuds]

I empathise completely. I'm sure the lovely YOU will win over the crabby one. Likewise have to pull myself up when crabby mood and opinions take me over. Kindness spreads and we'll batter the demons into submission😂

[Lanakay]

Very well said! I totally agree with you. This is so true for me.

[Whatgrange]

Is it not because, probably, we now have more time to THINK! We used to be busy and usually PMR will knock that on the head. We’re not very active, what do we fill our time doing - thinking! I’m hopeless sitting still! I’m definitely a useless ‘crafty’ person. I have no energy or interest in doing ‘useful houseworky things’. There’s a limit to the amount of time doing reading and ipaddy stuff! I love people but there is a limit to the number of friends queuing at my front door ! So we Think! Especially in the witching hour around 4am!

Strangely I’m a very positive person - my partner, who can suffer with depression, often says ‘for goodness sake, stop always thinking of silver linings’!!

[Jackoh]

Really enjoyed reading the answers- I agree that we all change as life goes on . Celebrate the good points; for me more patience and understanding , I hope, as I try to understand better what illness is and how it can affect folk; trying to think outside the box as familiar coping mechanisms don’t always work now. Also grateful for small things, and for being saved from more serious illnesses that my frantic lifestyle may have resulted in. Trying to live each day to the best of my ability. I think I’ve changed, as my circumstances have changed, but I do try to ride the waves and really enjoy and appreciate the tranquil moments that life brings. I think I might have missed a lot of these on my busy schedule. Nothing is perfect but then it was never meant to be.

[Spanky2019]

Beautifully said, wonderfully written. Thank you!

[PMRCanada]

Thanks for your words of reflection and insight. How can we not be impacted by the circumstances and experiences we endure? I have certainly changed since my PMR diagnosis, and so have those closest to me. We are all adjusting as life marches on throwing things at us....some good, some challenging.

Sometimes we don’t like our responses to what comes our way. My capacity is connected to how much support I’m receiving, how I’m feeling physically and mentally, and other factors. How I cope is fluid.

I did not “feel myself” for the 6 months prior to PMR diagnosis, and while I was on initial, higher doses of pred. That meant I often isolated myself because I didn’t want others to see me and engage with me, when I didn’t even want to be my own company.

I had a very close friend embrace me during that difficult time, look me in the eye, and affirm that “I” was still “me”. She also reminded me that of course I would feel different given all I had been through. Indeed if I had not been impacted, it would raise concern and suspicion.

Looking in the mirror we don’t always like who we see....we are also often our most harsh critic. My hope is that you are able to to exercise kindness and patience with yourself. Alas with these conditions, we sometimes just plain don’t feel well.

Keep thinking, writing, feeling, reflecting as it seems such activity can be cathartic while also resonating with so many others. Indeed, you are not alone....we’re all in this together.

Take good care,

L