Greetings All
I'm sorry to bring a personal Tale of Woe to this very supportive forum. Although this Post isn't strictly PMR / GCA related, I hope you will understand my Plight all the same.
Tonight: I ventured-out from the tranquillity of the new South Wing at Benjamin Mansions with the intention of slumping / sliding / rolling or tumbling sideways (in typical PMR fashion) into my car to do the usual ritual of things like nicking stuff from Charity shops, making a nuisance of myself at the Fag counter in ASDA, and all things 'MB'.
But, to my Shock and Horror, my car wasn't where I parked it yesterday. First thoughts: Am I suffering from Terminal Brain Fog and / or Brain Fade, or losing The Plot completely? But after a brief (and rare) moment of Lucidity, I realised that something was VERY WRONG!!!
So, I immediately called the local 'Old Bill' (UK slang for The Police for those of You Lot who aren't familiar with our silly English jargon) and quickly got through to an Operator ('Op') - who probably works from an outsourced Call Centre hundreds, if not thousands of miles away from where I live. But, Hey-Ho, this is the nature of Outsourcing...
Op (cheerily, and in unfamiliar, possibly foreign accent): Helloo Caller, this is the Police Helpline. How can we help you, please, thank you?
MB: I wish to report a Stolen Vehicle.
Op (with scripted expression of concern): I'm sorry to hear that. Can you give me some details please, thank you.
MB: (expands on deeply traumatic experience as above...).
Op: Ok, thank you. Can you please give me some more specific details, thank you?
MB: What details do you need?
Op: Please tell me ALL details about the vehicle - and anything you know about the Assailant - thank you!
MB: The car is a rare, distinctive and elderly (like me) Mercedes Limo in Metallic Silver, Registration number 'FUN 1' (goes on to quote Chassis number, 20 Pages of Service History etc). It now has tinted privacy windows, twin-spoke alloy wheels, fancy 'racing' stripes along the sides of the bodywork and other modifications including James Bond-style Ejector Seats (Passenger Side only), Rocket Launchers concealed behind the Headlights and various other Subtle but distinctive Features. And.. it has also had a Main Service, 4 new tyres and an MOT recently including some 'tweaks' to the Turbo Re-Circulating De-Fragilators and other bits of the engine which make it accelerate faster than a rat out of a drainpipe - Ha! Oh, and also, I only valeted it and 'dressed' the tyres last week. To be honest, I'M GUTTED!
Op: (laughing nervously and composing him / her self): Ok, did you see or can you tell me anything about the possible Assailant?
MB: Not really. Only to say that I noticed a long-haired, er, 'Individual' loitering around the Limo the day before it went missing.
Op: Sex please..?
MB: Is that an Offer?
Op: (now laughing even more nervously): Nooo! I meant: Male or Female?
MB: Dunno - you often can't tell nowadays! I blame the Mee-Ja for confusing the boundaries of perceived Gender Orientation. But never mind all of that: CAN YOU PLEASE FIND MY CAR?!! I'll consider doing a Plea Bargain Deal with, er, Tedski, or whoever is 'the Assailant' - if you catch them, er Him.
Op (now exhausted and exasperated after a convoluted 20-minute conversation): Ok, I've logged the Incident and someone will get back to you with a progress report. Your Crime Reference is (abc/xyz). It will probably take 6 months - if at all. Thank you and Goodnight.
(end of conversation with Old Bill).
Oh well: such are the things of Life, 'Stolen' Limos and the (alleged) antics of dodgy characters like Tedski - whoever he might (or might not..) be? My mind remains open - as does my 3 mgpd prescription for the Preds - for now at least 
Wishing You Lot a Happy Weekend - and try to keep smiling on the PMR / GCA Journey
'Uncle' MB 
