Pelvic Pain Support Network
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How do I deal with my partner's sex drive when I am in so much pain

I have chronic pelvic pain (levator ani syndrome) and vulvodynia. Sex is VERY painful and, to be honest, I hate it. I have no sex drive and I never have. I am 32. My fiance, on the other hand, REALLY likes sex. I've tried to get rid of the pain with physical therapy, but no luck. I'm just looking for advice on what to do with the relationship issues this causes. For example, he thinks that we can't live together because then he will want sex every day and that will make me mad. And truthfully, it does make me mad that he wants to hurt me and make me bleed with sex every day. I'd appreciate advice/experiences.

4 Replies

So sorry this affects you like this. There are 2 issues here, your partner not wanting to understand and you getting very real and painful after effects.

If your partner is not willing to get sexual therapy to learn to use his drive in a more positive and fullfilling way for you both, then l am sorry to say he is not the man for you. He sound very selfish and uncaring. Does he walj away and leave you afterwards or does he stay with you and look after you? He doesn't sound like the type who would look at other options to find a way to make you more comfortable. How long would it be before he tires of your protests and goes and finds someone else for sex? can you live with this?

I would be wary of moving in with him while this issue is still unresolved. Would he know the difference between your normal after bleed and a haemorrhage? Does he listen to you when you say no and is he likely to do so if you live together? what does he do when you refuse? Unfortunately these are not the usual considerations when moving in with someone, but your personal safety is at risk if you are saying that this guy quite happily has sex with you despite the effects it has on you just because he wants it.

You, more than anybody, needs someone with patience and understanding, and is willing to explore this with you, no matter if at the end of it you still don't like or want sex. You need someone who cares about you, and wants to show you sex can be fun by putting your needs before their own.


Thanks Zanna. Unfortunately sex will never be fun for me, it is just too repulsive to me. I actually wish he WOULD have sex with other people and have offered that option several times, but he won't take it. I try not to refuse ever, unless we are about to do something that requires a lot of walking because it's hard to walk in so much pain, but sometimes I do have to stop him before he's done and he does stop but usually I'd rather just get it over with.

What I mostly want is a way to either eliminate his sex drive or find some way for him to satisfy it without me. That's hard for me to do since I've never had a sex drive and I do not understand them AT ALL.


Thats so sad. Maybe counselling together and seperately would help you find some common ground and a way to focus on the fun rather than the act.


If I were you I would break up with him


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