Been in a lot of pain for a long long time now and seriously fed up.
My parents have died,recently,well actually not true.
Dad died 10 years ago now of bladder cancer,I cared for him to the best of my ability.
He died kind of suddon never had proper chance to thank him and say how much I loved him.
Worked all my life since 16,started own successful business,was sales man,rose to manager and was a top 20 pool player in UK.
My moms health deteriated so I did correct thing,gave up job and cared full time.
Hardly any support from anywhere and went from $25+ pa to £57 p week with little income support top up.
My mom fell over quite a lot and sometimes I had to pick her up on my own as stupid dam carers,nhs didn`t help me proper,carers allowance and the whole system has made me so bitter now and now my mom and dad have gone,I feel so lonely and feel no one to turn to.
Fed up with doctors now as Painkillers,anti depression and valium seems their only answer and friends say get over it,thats life.
Really,there you go I feel so much better for writing this.
Er =not.
Written by
rogerrabitt333
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this sounds so sad. im sorry to read that you never got the chance to tell your dad how much you loved him but you did look after him and he will know that you cared. i know what its like to be lonely and have no one to turn to. its a horrible horrible situation to be in. there are many people here who are suffering from depression and pain. so it wont be long until you find some kindred spirits.me being one of them. also to turn bitter is a horrible thing especailly if you have been let down and also your mother has been let down by the NHS. you did the right thing looking after your mum. so you can be proud of that and that you helped your dad to the best of your ability at the time. thats all we can do.dont be hard on yourself. also try and get over this bitterness as it will make you angry and depressed. im suffering from it myself and trying to get over it. i try and do some exercise as it does help also it strengthens your body. which can only be a good thing. and thats being good to yourself. dont tell your friends how you feel as they will only get on your nerves telling you to get over it. they dont understand. maybe they have not had the same experience's you have had. the thing is it is life and its not easy. so be good to yourself. your certainly not alone in the way your feeling, and you have come to the right place to find support and strength. try to distract yourself and dont let the anger take over. love grace xoxox wishing you well.
I'm going to apologize in advance for the fact that I can give you little more practical than words of support - I can't take away what's happened to you, nor put it right. It's a pity that organizations such as the NHS, whom you SHOULD have been able to rely upon for help, did not do more to assist in your situation.
What I'm going to tell you is this - for what it's worth... There ARE people out here who can, in some way, begin to understand and empathise with you. Some of us have had similar experiences. We know what it's like to selflessly do things for other people, and get little in return.
It sounds to me like you have an incredibly big heart, which is something to be proud of, no matter how down you may feel. It is not every person who would be capable of leaving work to look after poorly relatives. Especially when this means giving up a job that offers a good wage, and security, for a life in which you must try to manage on carer's allowance, income support, or maybe savings. THAT is really NOT an easy decision to make, and it takes a seriously devoted, generous person to do that.
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your father. I am sorry if that sounds trite. Please don't beat yourself up for finding that hard to deal with. No matter how much time passes, if we lose somebody we love and care about, it still hurts in some way. I guess the hurt and the love are very closely linked, and you do not get to feel one without the other. I can imagine that somebody's sudden death is harder to deal with, because you don't get that chance to prepare for it. I'll be honest, I have found it hard to deal with the loss of a close friend - she was only 21 when she died of cancer. I think it was the fact that you just don't expect a 21 year old to die of cancer. It seems ridiculously young! This isn't the same as losing your dad, who it's clear you cared for hugely, but I can identify with that sense of shock that something was unexpected. Personally, I think the shock makes it harder to deal with. If you feel like this now, then I don't doubt that your affection was obvious to your father.
And to your mother. Maybe you are one of those people who just has a naturally caring, giving nature? If so, then it's important to be aware that "people pleasers" (i.e. naturally giving people) can sometimes NOT be very good at putting themselves first, and at caring for their own needs. When you are naturally inclined to care for others, this can sometimes come over and above caring for yourself. Which - though it is admirable and selfless - can be physically and emotionally draining. Given that you have spent so much of your recent time devoted to the needs of other people, I am hardly surprised that you feel the way you do. I'm actually more surprised to see that you are not saying that you are utterly worn out!
Might it be that some of your loneliness is the result of finding it hard to adjust to your loss. Now that your parents are no longer alive, the tings that you used to do (e.g. looking after them) are no longer necessary. So, WHAT do you fill your life with? No wonder it feels lonely - you have physically lost loved ones, and also a job, and now you have lost the daily routine that took over your life whilst caring for your mother. People who are naturally caring and giving can become very attuned to the needs of others, whilst forgetting their own. So, NOW that you have time and space to focus on yourself, it perhaps seems alien doing this. After years of looking after other people, the person you NOW have to look after is YOU - and it sounds like you are not used to doing this.
It may be hard, and maybe I sound like I don't know what I'm talking about... but perhaps it's time now to re-evaluate, and focus on YOURSELF. To think about what it is that you want, or need, to do to fill your life again. Might it be going back to work? Or perhaps taking up a hobby? Might you feel like doing a course of study? Doing something like this may seem daunting - but it's a way to slowly fill your life with meaningful activity that has real value to you. Plus, it gives you the chance to socialize and meet new people. BOTH plusses!
Just from what you wrote, it's apparent that you are in no way deserving of feeling lonely, or with nobody to turn to. For a start, you had the presence of mind to find this forum, and seek support. Furthermore, the things you have done in life show that you are both resilient and resourceful - both valuable assets - and you have a range of skills including compassion, ability to organize, dedication to a task, financial management... Otherwise, how would you have held down a job, and later, how could you have coped with becoming a carer for your mother? Thinking about it like THAT, surely you can see that you have a LOT of POSITIVES?
As to the issue with friends who tell you to "get over it" - people, even ones who are well-meaning, can sometimes be ignorant. It is hard for people to understand things they have not experienced themselves. Know that YOUR journey was different to theirs - you have been through what you have been through, and have come out the other side. Now THAT is life - and you really have lived it to the max, by the sound of it. You made decisions that other people might not have been able to make. You rose to challenges - even VERY complex ones. Give yourself a round of applause for that.
If you're really struggling, there may be organizations like Carers UK ( a charity providing advice and support for carers and ex-carers) helpline = 0808 808 7777 who may help. Or Cruse (who help with bereavement and grief) helpline = 0808 808 1677. I do hope that my offering these helplines does not seem patronizing - they are simply there if you choose to use them. People find all manner of ways of coping - some use counselling, others anti-depressants or painkillers, some use exercise and activity, others relaxation or massage. Some people join clubs, classes, colleges... I guess it is for YOU to decide upon a way in which you want to take your life forwards now.
It sounds like you have the strength to do it. Good luck and best wishes. E. x
really helpfull post full of encouragement and also places to go for more support. your someone who does know what their talking about as i can go along with you 100%. love grace xoxo
Thanks very much for your kind words Grace. I'm just hoping that there's something in what I posted that may be useful to people (anyone who reads it). I noted your own reply to Roger, too. Courtesy, empathy and words of support cost us nothing, but it seems that there are far too few people who care to offer them. It's good to know that, somewhere out there, are people like you - who DO!
thank you,I`d like to talk to you if possible,I am on facebook,roger payne and I can give you tel no or other way around,soon I will have no internet for a few days as moving house to a flat in Tettenhall.W.ton.
Thank you and bless,I will send you and people on here some reiki,when I am ready,can`t somehow believe I found this website as I`m not an internet geek,weird,try not to look too much into that 1.
I really want to thank you for all you have written.
I am crying my eyes out just reading it.
Not being negative,because I never thought I was/were,but tried cruise when mom died,waiting for weeks and then got wrong girl councillor.
Maybe wrong time,not sure,but she was only 20 and no experience of death apart from her gran dying when she was 5,Just passed her exams and just nodded and I didn`t get anything positive out of it and went to 4 out of 6 appointments.
You wouldn`t think from me writing this that I`ve learnt 1st and 2nd degree Reiki which helped me and everyone I gave reiki too,inc mom,dad,friends,ex girlfriends.
Motivation seems to have entered departure lounge and cannot seem to find my "get up and do things for correct reason,eg me"
I hope I am not doing your box in as I love the fact you are so caring and do not even know me.
By the way,I do feel completely worn out and hope to speak to you again.
I would not say you made me happy and smiling but just reading your response I do feel a sense of not being so alone.
My reply is short (like me). I can identify with all this and a couple of things to be aware of : our local funeral directors offer a free bereavement counseling service. Maybe they do in your area? After my dad died I had a 6 wk course on the NHS and I concluded that I /we just need someone to listen so we can get all this stuff off our chests and into the open. The losses of family, career, health, friends, is all bereavement and we all need to "cleanse", accept and learn to adjust before we can move on. You're never going to stop thinking about your mum and dad (same here) & asking questions but you can choose where to go from where you are right now, and I believe you can do it. At the right place, with the right help, being kind but honest with yourself, you can start to have a better quality of life... in time. No wonder they don't call me Shorty any more, this got longer than intended!
Keep on going and keep on growing as they say . . You're in good company here 😊
Roger it sounds like you haven't really had time to grieve your loss. I worked in bereavement care for a long time, after a member of my family died tragically, I was so angry that I set up a charity for one to one bereavement support. It is still going twenty years later. Have you thought of having some counselling? I know a lot of men think counselling is for softies, but you have nothing to lose and it may help you untangle how you feel. It's surprising how talking to someone neutral helps to unburden you.I hope you feel better soon.
I sent you a long reply but it has,disappeared! I'm not a counsellor, I left that to others more competent than me. The need for funding was so great that I concentrated on getting the money in, although I did my initial support training. I will write back to you tomorrow as I'm on my kindle at the moment. I'll use my computer to reply as it's e easier to type on. In the meantime hang in there, things will get better eventually. I'll message you tomorrow.
Ps. I'm one of those people with Joint Hypermobility Syndrome, and have AF, arthritis, diabetes, compressed disc(from a car accident 30 years ago), bilateral hip replacements and I'm currently on bed,rest for cellulitis! Just as well we have a sense of humour eh? ....but apart from that life is pretty ok!!
Hi Roger sorry for the long delay but I was recovering from cellulitis in my foot and leg when I had a bad fall in the garden, ripped the fascia ligament that connects my toe and heel, and seem to have developed severe osteoarthritis at the site of the injury. Hence I am back on bed rest for 23 hours per day!!
I hope you are beginning to feel better. Did you give any thought to bereavement counselling? There are quite a lot of low cost charities out there, and it would give you the opportunity to talk to someone completely neutral, which you might find helpful. Bereavement cause all sorts of odd aches and pains as you are carrying a heavy load.
I really feel for you because even if you know and understand the grief process it is a hard and depressing time. I'm not sure how to contact you on here as I'm new. I just backtracked my messages to find you ah again! Not a very good techie I'm afraid. Please. Keep in touch if you want to.
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