My Dad

My father was involved in a serious car crash 14 years ago, he suffered hip, pelvic and back injuries which cause him numerous areas of extreme pain to this day. 2 years ago he tried to commit suicide because of this, we supported him and got him back on the mend. Then he had a meeting with his pain specialist yesterday afternoon and he was told there was nothing more they could try, they had run out of options. He broke down in his office, and the doctor had to ask for help to get him to leave showing no compassion. He has lost all hope and yesterday he started taking all of his meds and ripping up his morphine patches and rubbing them all over his skin in another suicide attempt. The police ended up breaking down his bedroom door so the paramedics could assist him. He is a proud man whom I have never seen cry so to hear that he broke down in front of someone is very worrying. He lives in Carronshore, Falkirk and is struggling to cope with almost no support. He is very, very stubborn so I am writing to ask if there is any way anyone can help my dad? I live near Oxford with a young family so it is not easy for me to travel to help out, however I will be going up soon to see him and would like to turn up armed with advice to help him and maybe have some were to go to meet people like him. When he does manage to get down to see my brother and my grandparents in Morecambe he is so much better so I known that having something to do and look forward to will benefit him massively, he spends ALL of his time in bed either sleeping or watching TV or helping looking after his grand kids, so I think something as simple as friends to speak to will also help.

18 Replies

  • AWW, I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. I completely understand the "pride" thing! I also know that having someone to share your experience with is a tremendous help. Having something to look forward to is a great help too! I can also relate to this, but I can tell you that wondering how you are going to feel is a great excitement buster! I wish you the best in this and him as well. I know this is not much help but there are people like him out there and you are in the right place for it!

  • Firstyly neither you nor your Dad are alone in how you feel. His isolation and pain is all consuming. Your distance away.

    Is there any way he could move nearer to you or his family?

    Does he get any support for care from social works? If he needs some care then they would be your first port of call.

    I too live in Scotland and would be happy to help if I can. We do have a different system of care to England.

    Do you want to message me and we can discuss more?


  • Thanks for the reply I'll message now. He won't move anywhere as he has re-married and my step mum is very close to her family who live in the area.

  • If he has a family up there why the hell are they not supporting and helping him

  • Aha. That sounds a little too familiar.

    Wait to hear when you're ready.

    Pat x

  • I concur with paton

    I live just south of the Scottish Border, four miles and believe me when I say the difference between the two sides now has become quite polarized. We are actually unable to send patients now to Scotland for treatment, if we do that Northumberland has to pay for private treatment. We are at this time trying to sort it out. The only time we can use a Scottish Hospital is when it is a clear case of life and death or if they are registered in Scotland for an existing clinic or treatment. Generally I cannot understand were that has come from and neither can many who live on both sides of the border with some living in Scotland visiting an English Surgery. The main problem that I can see is the difference between both systems.

    Possibly it may be an idea that your Father be moved down to family in England or someone moves up to Scotland to look after your father. Or possibly that your father is put into care in Scotland where your family can visit Him.

    Any other suggestions I will be interested too know and understand, I have been scratching my head for the last few weeks regarding above.

    All I actually can suggest is talk to His GP. Pain Management should be able in Scotland to give palliative care.



  • Thanks for the replies, we won't get him to move at all as he has re married and his wife won't move away from her family. I have a few people to contact and I'm going to point him towards places like this but as he is the most stubborn person I know I don't think he will listen to me. It's a cry for help I think but he won't listen to help.

  • Firstly, I just want to say what a fine son / daughter ( sorry, not clear from your name) you are and your Dad is very fortunate to have such care and support - tho I don't think he is in a place to recognise that at the moment.

    As others have said, engaging in local services is important and there is huge support on here for him if he can manage it but a,so for YOU.

    I can only imagine how tough it must be for you being so far away and knowing how low your Dad is.

    Please PM me if I can be of help just talking it through.

    With warm wishes



  • Thank you all for your kind words, haha to clear it up I am a man! It is tough, the battle will be of wills though, he is stubborn and so am I. However if I can't get him to help himself then he is the one going to suffer. I can only try to point him in the right direction, albeit with a rather firm prob, closely followed by a (gentle) kick up the backside. no one else has managed in 14 years to get him to see he needs help, I haven't tried as he is his own man and needed his space but I now have to step in I think.

  • I Feel for your dad and for you and you care about him. I have a sister who tried to commit divide 4 times... We feel so helpless. As for pain... When we think we must give up on conventional medicine or medicine has given up on us... What do we have to lose...

    After months in pain I went to see a new acupuncturist. I know he can't cure me in one session but I can tell you for the first time the pain was gone. 12 hours of respite. I had forgotten what pain free feels like.

    Have you explored this option for him?

    I hope you try....

    My acupuncturist us so caring and warm that just talking to him makes me feel better. And unlike some unaffordable therapies it does not cost much. 45$ an entire hour of his care....

  • He has tried that many things I've lost count. He has tried acupuncture, hypnosis, different drugs christ even cannabis to see if that helped but he just gives up on everyrhing.

  • Take him to see an Alexander teacher who has at least ten years experience. The Alexander teacher can show him that there are things that can be done to improve the situation.

    Find out if their are any yoga groups attached to the local Hindu temple near him. He will find what they do useful.

    Find out if their are any Buddhist groups near him who practice meditation and mindfulness. He could find them helpful.

    Hope this helps

  • Thanks I'll have a look into these as I'm not sure if he has done anything like that.

  • I think where Dad lives doesn't have these groups. This is Scotland and everywhere is a long way except if you live in Edinburgh or Glasgow.

    But does sound interesting


  • I am so sorry to hear about your dad and what your famy are going through.

    First I think you should report the pain Dr. And then move your dad closer to you and your famy and brother. Then at least he'll know that your there for him.

    If I was close to him I would help but I'm in Canada so that won't work.

    Good luck

  • I'm sorry you have to deal with something like this. The mind is very fragile especially when your hurting physically and emotionally. I live in the state's. I find that talking to someone even on a website can give you a new perspective and hope. I stay away from bad people when possible to stay positive. If you're exposed to people who don't support you, I distance myself from them, that is my humble opinion. Praying for you and your family.

  • At the end of the day your poor father is in chronic pain which is so hard to take. Chronic pain causes depression, anxiety, exhaustion, feeling worthless, stress, the list goes on and on. He just wants his life back. He needs adult company, a reson to get out of bed and a way to manage his pain. Taking alot of medication can make you feel ill so he needs to listen to his body. If he's in bed and in pain try getting up and walking up and down for a while doing a bit more each time. If that doent work keep trying different things untill he gets some relief. Could he manage a gentle swim at his local pool? Meet a friend for coffee or a pint at the local pub etc. Look online for a pain management CD, Book or DVD. Make sure he has the internet so that he can keep in touch with us on this site and any other friends he may have. Suggest a hobby. He needs to keep busy and feel needed again. Unless someone has had chronic pain they dont understand how hard it is to cope with. So take it from a lot of us on this site, it really is hard to pick yourself up and carry on. Good luck and keep in touch. X Lynne

  • Get in touch with CarersUK see They have a good website and local carer Ambassadors in Scotland who can give you support and point you in the right direction. I have seen this situation so many times.your father calls it being stubborn but it is like a bereavement reaction. he has 'lost' the person he was, doesn't like it and wants him back which of course will not happen. See if his GP can refer him for 'talking therapy' where he can share his problems and change his mind set to a more positive one. A lot of people dont like the idea of 'counselling' but basically it is helping the person talk through their problems and get their brain/mind to help them help themselves and see how other things including tablets, patches, acupuncture can HELP not CURE. It is a continually changing pain situation and difficult to live with but he can help himself and help others to help him if he can get a more positive mind set.

    Good Luck and my prayers

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