What happens to a carer who is emotionally drained. Tired of sleepless nights. Tired of keeping an ear open for when he starts to move. Wondering if he is asleep or will want to get up. Will he be in pain - maybe just a trip to the loo - maybe a drink. Pleade make it a short trip i am so tired.
He asks if you are awake. You want to pretend you are asleep. You are so tired.
How long since the last time he wok you. It seems only seconds. You just want to sleep.
You hear yourself answering yes - i am awake.
Im huring he says. My tail and all down my legs. Really hurting.
You know he is realy hurting. he told you seconds ahgo.
ok ypu hear yourself saying again. would you like something to drink. maybe a hot water botle. shall i put the telly on quietly. good to distract you.
Can i have a pain tablet and a drink o milk.
how many times has he asked that same question tonihjt. 6, 6 or was it only 3. i am tired.
im sorry but you cant have any more pain meds but i can get you some milk. you esn it warmed.
but im hurting really hurting. his soft voice is building now towards a shout. maybe he thinks by shouting at me i will understand better.
now i am awake and any though o a short trip anywhere has gone.
I fell his arm strighten bu his side. i knw that sign.
come on bitch move. i need pain mdes NOW. call yourself a carer move you fat idle bitch. i move cos i always move. i find my slippers and dressing gown as the house will be cold and i am likely to be up for a while.
he shouts again - louder - move you frigging s;ob move i say NOW god you are your fathers daughter. no compassion. no caring. just idle frigging bitch....i am in the kitchen now and his words although still loud are hard to decipher. i don't need to know what they are. i have heard them too often. i find the time to check how long since the last meds. suddenly he is behind me. crimpled and creased in pain. i want to hug him - hold him say it will be beter soon. i don't get the chance he slides down the cupboard door with boise like a wild animal in agony.
he is on his knees banging his head on the door. the words come again. you frigging bith. why did i ever think i loved you. useless fat bitch. get me help NOW.
THE CLOCK TOLD ME IT HAS BEEN LESS THAN AN HOUR SINCE THE LAST MEDS. HE CNT HAVE ANY MORE. HE STOPS HEAD BANGING AND GRABS MY LED. GIVE THEM TO ME BITCH. HE IS STRONG. FOR ONE RIDDLED WITH DISEASE AND PAIN HE IS STRONG.
IF I GIVE HIM MORE WILL I HELP HIM. HELP HIM TO SLEEP. HELP ID HIS BROJEM BODY OF THIS DISEASE JUST FOR A FEW HOURS SO HE CAN SLEEP.
NOW HE IS CRYING. BEGGING. MAKE IT STOP PLEASE PATTY. HELP ME. MAKE IY stop. i can't.i can ring the nhs 24 duty doc. wait a few hours for him o come out. to do what. they used to carry pethadin but not any more. to risky as they could be mugged.
the clock tells me we have bee there an hour. an hor in which he has scremed abuse at me, begged for help and then screamed some more. he is quiet for now but it wont last. it never does. i crouch down beside him take his head and cradle him. maybe just this once he will relax and i can get him back to bed. he does relax briefly then he grabs me. where are the meds you frigging bitch, slut, give them to me.
he ha got them now and nothing i can do to retrieve them. i stand up, shrug and turn my back walking towards te kettle. i need tea. he can do what he please. take the lot. i am tired. so very very tired.
the kettle boils i make my teas taking it in to my snug. sitting there in the semi dark i hear him through in our bedroom.
i go to check and he is just popping 2 into his mouth. i can do nothing. it is his choice. no pat it isnt a choice he hurts beyond any reasoning and this might help in the only ay he knows how.
within minutes he is asleep and i sit on the bed for what seems like hours. it isnt of course and only when he seems calm i move back to my snug.
so very very tired but beyon sleep. i want to cry but i dont. i used to cry for the words he used. i ignore them now.
the olies who have been keeoing away come and sit with me. the old girl thumps herself down on the fllor. old bones racjed with arthritis now. my young girl sits and puts er head on my knee. just quietly and gently. she doesnt want anything aprt from to be close to her mum.
tired so tired......