Why is it, I feel like I pissed our Lord above off ? Why am I being punished ? What did i do ? I have rarely given up on anything in my life, but everyone has a breaking point. I love my wife and kids and always there for anyone that may need help. First thing is I can't get over my P.T.S.D. I have been shot, blown up, can't sleep, relax in my own home. I can't walk by a trash can or drive by a dead animal by the road with out thinking something will explode. Going under a overpass without thinking there is someone up top or on the other side, that's the short version. second thing is I had my L5-S1 fused a few weeks ago. I can not shake the pain away. It's a major struggle to push threw the day. I feel as I can not defend myself or my family. I feel that I'm alone. Sunday night I wook up about 04:30 in excruciating pain in my back, a different kind of pain other than my spine, come to find out I'm passing a kidney stone. (Still has not passed) Now, I live by the bible, I alwayse do what's rite and work for what I have. But what did I do to have all these problems ? is this what you would say the the past or the demons will catch up to you ? After I was medically discharged from the Army, I feel like my health has gone down hill. If its not one thing its another. I can only hide the pain for so long from my wife and kids. I can't let them see there role model in constant pain fighting tears and complaining when nobody's in the room. I have prayed for forgiveness every night since I went over sea's but it seems and feels like I am being punished. I don't think I can take anymore with my mind playing games (Flash backs and fear) the pain I'm in every day. I wake up with a prayer and go to sleep with another prair. I can't take this anymore. What am I to do ? I have tried so hard, loved my family harder and I just want it all to stop. I don't want medicine or be evaluated somebody who will judge me. I feel as it won't get better. I have tried and tried harder but I'm wanting to pop smoke. Sorry to ramble like I am, but it has to be said and don't think I can talk to anyone.
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