Moaning blog

Moaning blog

Hello all, been a while but I had to get my upset written down.

My boyfriends mum is a nurse practitioner in a&e and has been for forty years, I thought when she met me and got to know me she would see past my health and see my qualities and what our relationship means to her son. Yesterday (during a heart to heart) my boyfriend told me she has doubts about me saying that I will be a burden for him and that I am like all the people she sees in the hospital with back problems, she said we just make a nuisance of ourselves and seek attention that's why they just give people morphine and send them home. I was so destroyed by this. I can't believe someone in care can be the total opposite and be so heartless and cold. It has upset me so much I don't know what to do when I next see her. I told my boyfriend she can see my medical records and stick it where the sun don't shine! How dare she. She told him to get out while he can. I got told years ago to get a wheelchair and quit trying. I am still going and won't stop and I do so much for her son and her family. Anyway rant over tear are flowing again.

21 Replies

  • It's about time your boyfriend's mother retired if that's her attitude to her pt's! She may have worked in A&E for 40 year's but Nurse Practitioner's haven't been about that long! Sadly with back problem's people do have a jaded view, they equate "normal" pain you get doing a few hours of gardening with chronic pain and neuropathy. I would have a quiet word with her and ask her why she has arrived at this conclusion. I'm still working, just, in nursing and I'm lucky to have a good support system in place with wonderful colleagues my duties are greatly reduced, thankfully I don't work in an area which is too heavy and I work perm nights.

    Failure to get your pain under control isn't your fault. I have finally had to concede to opiates something I never wanted ,and still have problems accepting, however everything else has failed. There is a stigma sadly, mainly due to the fact there are people who seek and abuse them they are often extremely demanding and time consuming to medical staff and very difficult to manage. Now I have been prescribed them I can't fathom why anyone would want them unless they really need them and certainly not for recreational purposes, the side effects are not pleasant!

    I certainly wouldn't offer to show her your medical records, they're your business not hers, she is the one with the problem. I hope your b/f ignores her, try giving her the benefit of the doubt just this once, in that she is concerned for her son. Also remind her , doctors and nurses are taught that if a patient has pain then they have pain.....point her in the direction of The Pain Society etc........ Ask to be referred to a Chronic Pain Clinic if you haven't already been, the psychologists in these clinic's are very good in helping you deal with such problems as other peoples view's and opinions. Good luck.

  • Hi, I agree with hotpoint. The lady is passed her sell by date. She should retire. Obviously the job is getting to her. All I can say is please, do not take what she has said, to heart. At least now you know where you stand as far as his mother is concerned.

    The most important thing is your relationship with your boyfriend. What you have to deal with every day is more than enough. Do not show her your medical records, for someone like her they will prove nothing. I think even if you had no medical issues she would find another problem. Just the fact that she is interfering and trying to influence her son, shows she is a possessive mother. It has nothing at all to do with you.

    I am also in the process of asking to be referred to a pain clinic as I also need some help in how to deal with other people,s views on my condition. Good luck for the future. oh and just by the way, all you do for her and her family, redirect and use that energy on your boyfriend and yourself. Ann

  • How hurtful and upsetting. Seems like some days, we get it from all sides. If your boyfriend doesn't see a problem, then she should in fact be doing all she can to support you both.

  • Yes, she's the one with the problem - what a dreadful attitude! She forgets that she could herself suffer chronic pain in a few years' time and then SHE will need help from her family! Also, her son could marry someone in perfect health and it could deteriorate. Indeed, his health could deteriorate. This can happen to anyone!

    She needs to spend some time 'educating' herself on the 'world of pain' and the accounts of the people here. The strength of character and resilience you all display is astonishing. YOU ARE AMAZING! Take heart and have courage!

  • Thank you all xx your lovely comments have made me cry and also feel supported. I have been to pain management for twenty years now and at the start it helped as I had a residential stay and learnt all sorts of techniques to cope I even reduced my meds but as my conditions have got worse and after all my operations they now say they can't really help me as I am on thirty two tablets a day and still waiting for more surgery I have at least four more to go. I have been told its not going to cure its only to stabilise my joints so I don't collapse and dislocate as often as I do. I got told every time I dislocated my knees, hips or shoulders then I should go to A and E but with attitudes like that I put my bones back together myself.... A wall works wonders although painful. The neighbours are used to my screams now lol. On pethidine and have been for 11 years now and the medics want me to increase but I can't as when I dislocate I need the option of more to cope.

  • tell her when she has back pain don't look to you for sympathy, call herself a nurse. about the wheelchair like you i was resistant at first now iv'e got one (electric w/chair NHS) got some freedom back, my wife can't keep up......take care

  • Actually Lou, you are displaying all the qualities of true heroism, never forget that. X

  • Thank you as you all know its tough but I am a single mum of two kids and three rescue dogs so I need to carry on and make sure they get a good life and education. Xxx thank you xx

  • I also agree with hotpoint, my heart goes out to you, its bad enough living with pain, I hope your boyfriend ignores his mother, after all he knows you best, I hope your relationship works out for you.

    take care and believe you are never on your own, thats what is so great about sites such as this.

  • Thank you xx

  • Having worked in the NHS and now as patient for the past 20 years - sadly her response doesn't surprise me at all. One of the practice nurses used to boast about how little empathy nurses/medics etc are shown to have on psychological profiling tests. On the whole they come up as controlling personalities and it sounds as if she is trying to control her son and doesn't care how much she hurts you in the process. If she loved her son unconditionally she would go along with whatever makes him happy. I can understand her wanting to inform him about the potential difficulties ahead but to accuse you of being a malingerer is just wicked and cruel. At least you have her measure now. Silly, silly woman - she is going to lose her son if she carries on like this.

  • He has already said this to me, he lived with his gran from the age of seven as he had ADHD and she said it was interfering with her career and social life but kept his sister who she still says is the perfect one. She even left him on the door step of social services one time but then picked him up as she thought it wouldn't look good for her career!

    When I met him he had just come out of the marine and had stress from three mates getting killed in a car which he was in, he was drinking and taking drugs to block it out and losing his jobs over time and with me loving him and helping him but not tolerating his negatives he is clean on both drink and drugs, got a brilliant career and seeing a counsellor each month to help. We are now planning on a baby and marriage and he says for the first time ever he knows what love and family mean. I have fought all my life with pain and health issues I still managed to be the youngest million pound store manager for new look at 18 years old still go to college on my day off and then have two kids and since been ill got divorced, saved my house as my ex nearly financially ruined us and picked myself up as well as in the last four years of being on my own four operations and fifty two knee dislocations. I don't quit and I am more caring than her and she will never ruin us. Ian's you can tell I am getting stronger again and determined for yet another person trying to spoil my life and she won't win.

    I got told to quit years ago and I won't she has met the wrong person and she needs to retire and sort her life out as her kids don't love her like mine do. Moan over but thanks to all I need your support and energy and please feel free to message me to moan back I am here for you all xxx Louise

  • You are a very special lady and are worth a hundred of her take care and don't bother with the likes of her she is just not worth wasting your emotions on. All the best for your future together Gwince 1 x x x

  • What a cow! It's your life and your boyfriend's life, and if you love each other and can make a committment to each other, then it's your business and no one else's. She sounds like she is very jealous of you, and you sound like you are a very strong person and can be very proud of yourself.

    I wish you and your boyfriend every bit of happiness together.

  • Thank you

  • Wow, what a mean woman! I was a nurse and never met anyone who had that opinion. Also just because she is an NP doesn't mean she knows much about anything, you'll find those of us with chronic pain know more than most health professionals put together! You have had a difficult life and obviously are now very happy with him. Not sure he should have told you what she said but now he has I would suggest you concentrate on yourself, your children and your relationship with him and less time helping out his family, They don't deserve your help. Good luck x

  • Thank you I will be concentrating on my household now, his sister came to visit, second time she met me has hardly talked to me and told him I and a waste on the country, too fat to ill and should get a job and he should leave me. He was livid and doesn't want them in my home or in our life if she only sees the shallow things in life. She has only spoke to me about herself and my dogs nothing about me or my past jobs etc. I know I should be putting it to one side and ignore the comments but they hurt so bad. Been crying most of the week, not eaten and hardly slept and two days ago had a pain seizure mainly bought on by stress and passed out falling over and hurting my knees, spine and shoulder. Ben got me into bed, helped me all night and was so amazing. Why do people feel they can judge you without knowing you? Why do people see the disability and size of a person not the heart and soul? I am a size 18, I have been a 22 and crash dieted to a size 14 only to have more surgery which went wrong and be put on steroids. I need to stop worrying about it but its there in the back of my mind niggling at me.

  • I have had to teach myself that I must not worry about things I can't control and it's helped me alot. Most of the time I'm relatively positive and live my life and the pain follows but sometimes when I am down the pain rules my life. If you are feeling down anyway then his family reaction will get to you more. You can't control them but you can control the impact they are having on you. If they know you are upset they have won so don't give them the satisfaction. You are lucky you have a man that loves you. Now stop crying and say b******* to you! Xx

  • Hello

    Remember when disabled, friends are those who will sit and talk, not try and displace your feelings

    I had to let my family go recently because of bad feelings towards me and my disability

    All the best


  • Both the mother and daughter seem to be the most unfeeling people. Neither you or your boyfriend need people like that around you. You seem to be a lovely loving person. As for the weight I am also a size 22 and I used to worry myself about my weight but I became comfortable with myself as a person and thats what really matters. Enjoy life with you boyfriend family and dogs and let the two witches get on with it

    Take care


  • I wouldn't worry too much about the mum. Even if you were Queen of Sheba with a degree in astronomy physics saved baby sparrows and made device cup cakes you still wouldn't be good enough for her son. It's a mum thing

    And as for everyone else. I'm begiving to think people want to see you missing a limb or confined to a wheelchair before they'll consider the fact there is something wrong with you.

    I suffered mental health problems for years and basically don't give a monkeys probably because I don't know half of what happens but having fibromyalgia an "invisible illness " I feel insulted belittled and demoralised by society. I rarely go out but have decided next time I do and I need assistance I'm gonna say YOU'RE supposed to be Happy to pack my bag

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