I have been trying to stay positive over the past few weeks but I get my CT scan / blood test results tonight at 4;30 p.m. to see if my cancer has come back.. I dont mind telling you that my hands are shaking just writing this..
Some days my stomach feels fine but then all of the strange feelings come back... and my heart sinks.
I am not a superstitious person but I cant help adding 1 and 1 together and making 300!! For example the consultant has recently moved rooms to EXACTLY the same room where I found out first time around,,,, my appointment is 4:30.. easier to give bad news at the last appointment as it takes longer... it is almost bang on 4 years since I first found out... and even worse.. I rescued a little moorhen chick which my dog picked up and it died.. I knowwwwww I'm an idiot and I know you shouldn't wish your life away but I want today over.. I am supposed to be working from home today but there is no way my brain can even think about anything other than answering a few emails..
I will let you know how I get on...
Gilly x
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I can hear the raw fear coming through your e-mail and that 4.30pm feels a long time away.
Perhaps it will help you to know that others understand how you feel and what a nightmare you are experiencing. It is difficult to find the words in an e-mail, but many of us have feared the worst and have felt the panic. Your worst fears may not be the reality this afternoon. You have to hang on to that thought to help you get through the day.
I wonder how far you have to travel and if someone supportive will be with you at the clinic this afternoon . I am guessing that you are on your own at the moment.
Yes on my own apart from a couple of sleeping dogs.. I have promised myself champagne if (or should that be when) the news is good.. so I have looked on Tesco website as we have one just up the road..
It is an hour to the hospital but then my lovely partner who works at the hospital will be waiting for me.. he was there first time around too..
I have to say although it has been there in my head, I have actually been fine up to today.. but I cant get away from knowing one way or the other now.. isn't it weird as I know it might not be bad news but I am a jumble of nerves. I buried my little moorhen in the garden and I started to cry. I haven't cried but I feel it all there are the back of my throat waiting to spill out..
I am pleased that your partner will be with you this afternoon. This will be a great help.
On a previous post, you wrote that you were diagnosed with "Stage 3 Borderline and Stage 1 'proper' ovarian cancer". I feel that there is a good chance that your worst fears will not be confirmed this afternoon.
Like the rest of us, you are in the system of OVCA follow-up and that in itself is stressful. The consultant is obliged to investigate your symptoms, but by doing this, it does not mean, in itself, that she is going to deliver bad news. Investigations are done to rule things out, not just to rule things in.
Thank you Isabelle.. your words are huge comfort to me.. x
Hi Gilly,
I know how you feel! I'm having my 2 yr post treatment scan on Monday, and I've already started to convince myself that every feeling is cancer!!
If it helps at all; my oncologist was re located to exactly the same room in which I was first diagnosed last check, and I worried about that too, but all was fine!
My GP has agreed to track down my scan results and let me know as soon as they are ready, as there's 3 weeks before my oncology appt, and I don't want to be worrying. Maybe next time, you can get the results more quickly? I REALLY think it's unlikely that the time of your appointment means anything at all - I don't think these departments have enough time to organise things like that. Give yourself a break! Poor little moorhen - NOTHING TO DO WITH IT, of course - but we don't half torture ourselves.
Very best wishes,
Put a quick post up saying 'all fine', later -I'm sure it will be.
You'll be waiting to go to the appointment by now, but just wanted you to know my thoughts are with you. Mine was borderline too and some cells in the omentum, that was nearly 9 years ago now and I still get jittery when the anniversary of my diagnosis comes around or if I feel some odd twinge that doesn't feel right. It's OK to feel scared though and absolutely essential to drink champagne, whether the news is brilliant, or not as good as you'd hoped for .... you can either celebrate or console! Good luck, let us know how things go
After being kept waiting for nearly 2 hours!! which was pure agony I can assure you,, I am so releaved and pleased to say that my scan and blood test were fine!!!!!!!
I will go see my Dr again to see if the pains in my stomach could be something else but I'm fine with that as I now know for sure it isn't OC returning..
Thanks for everyone for your good wishes.. I am now going to enjoy the weekend. xxx
It is amazing how different I feel today.. just bottomed the downstairs in the house as I was feeling like 'why bother'.. Dave my partner is getting to know the patterns now.. he says after I get a good result I get fired up with lots of new ideas LOL.. We got home that later last night after the hospital I didn't get my champers but Dave is 'forcing' me to have it today instead.. I dont know what's he like
Isadora I loved your post.. you are a model to us all on standing up for yourself.. very best wishes for Monday. I will be thinking of you..
Believe me, I shall be winding myself up, too - we all do, I suspect. It's also difficult because, as time goes on other people totally overlook these checks that are so important to us.
Seriously, though - I really think it is important and necessary to manage how we get feedback from our tests. It's not just that it keeps our stress levels as reduced as possible (necessary to support the immune system), but also that the GP feels involved and responsible, and the nursing staff at my GPs enjoy being involved too. When I rang the receptionist for my CA125 test results back in Dec last year, she gave me the (good) news, and then said, "we'll all have a happier Christmas, knowing you're fine". I can't express how much that absolutely genuine, kind comment meant to me. I have experienced some appalling behaviour from 'friends' since diagnosis; but also found some new, wonderful people who support and understand.
I'm so pleased you have had the 'all clear' for another period of time. Onward and ever upward.
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