Having read a lot of self help books since my diagnosis one message comes across a lot and that is to cut negativity out of your life. But what do you do when the most negative person in your life is your own mother? She has refused to acknowledge my illness and in 2 years has never visited me , even when I was in hospital. She rarely phones only if she needs something. It came to a head a few weeks back when I sat her down and told her how I felt and I was pleased when a few days later she actually rang me & in general conversation asked how I was. But when I started to tell her about my then hospital appointment she didn’t comment and now 3 weeks on we have reverted back to no questions or calls. I saw her this morning (she lives 5mins away) but all she did was moan about the weather, her neighbour and I came away so mentally deflated and miserable. But what do you do?? When I read others stories of how supportive their mothers(father,parents) are to them it breaks my heart .
Negativity : Having read a lot of self help books... - My Ovacome
Negativity
My mother was exactly the same! Life always revolves around her, I’m told she was narcissistic!! Even spoke about cutting me out of her will!! She is no longer with us and U am sad to say I don’t miss her!! But embrace the rest of my wonderful family and friends!!
Jackie O x
If I had not read the above letter from Jackie0, I would think your mother was the exception.
I simply cannot understand how she can be the way she is.
Although, I have heard that many people simply cannot face the very thought of cancer.
And perhaps she loves you so much, she can not deal with you, her daughter, being so gravely ill.
However, after your heart to heart talk with her, you would think she would be more interested your situation.
My family and friends have been outstanding and have taught me a lot. I don’t think I could do all this without their support.
Do you have any siblings or are you an only child?
I certainly hope you have some close friends to counteract your mother’s negative influence.
If you do have siblings, perhaps one of these could talk to your mother.
She just seems out of touch with reality and needs to be woken up.
Hope things get better for you.
Best wishes,
Laura
My mum rarely asks how I am and if I do say anything she talks about her own ailments - some of it is down to her not being able to cope with it all but my sister in law told my husband that my godmother whom they’d stayed with on holiday as she lives in Paris had said that she’d stopped asking my mum about me as all she was interested in was herself and how it affected her - I too get sad when I see what support others get from family and friends and so far it’s just been my other half and me muddling on with it all - I’ve found much more support online from people I don’t know than I have from those supposedly close to me x
I’m so sorry to hear how this is affecting you.
I too can relate to a similar reaction from my mother. It surprised me because I hear from her in detail about other family members or friends who have cancer or other ailments.
I am lucky to have siblings and have talked about it with them. We all agreed that she just finds it too difficult to think about it being her daughter with cancer.
I must admit though that she did visit me after surgery to help with meals etc. And initially she did ask me for updates. I think she would want to help when I next have treatment so from a practical perspective she feels able to offer support.
But she really struggles with the fact that I was never free of cancer and appears to have blocked that out. So it was after the initial flurry of activity that we then drifted to not talking about cancer and blocking it out. It seems to be the emotional part that she struggles with.
It is difficult to not be able to talk to a close relative about it. I am very lucky that my siblings will talk to me about it and helped me come to terms with why my mother was seemingly blocking it.
I’m afraid beyond that I havent found a sure solution. I can’t force someone else to do something that they are just not in the right place to do. In my case my solution was to accept other support available such as other family members and the amazing support from this group.
Have you talked to other family members who know your mother to see if they can help to understand what’s going on or if they could talk to her to try to encourage her to engage with you in a better way?
X
Hi Scotty6
Difficult, morose people are everywhere... you can’t change them but you can change your reaction to them and you can reassure yourself that you are doing just great despite their lack of support.
I have got one in my family too and it’s hard work to stop reacting to their behaviour but it is possible.
I found that counselling really helped me to focus on myself and my needs and to leave the joyless to their own bizarre world xx
Oh bless you lovey, I can really empathise with you, my mum was always a glass completely empty kind of lady and believed her issues were so much worse than anybody else’s and there was always a downside to everything, I am glad she died before I was diagnosed as I don’t think I could have dealt with her during my illness and subsequent treatment, my mother-in-law thinks the universe revolves around her, she recently said to me that I didn’t understand how draining it was having to go to medical appointments 😤 I had to give my hubby the phone before I said something she’d regret so I know exactly where you are coming from. It’s so sad they have this outlook on life because I believe they miss out on so much. My mum was a diagnosed depressive who wouldn’t take her meds, in a way I can see where she came from as she was ill but my mother-in-law is just self centred and always has been. I have always tried to see the best in people, my children are my blessings and I adore my husband so I guess I’m lucky and I get my positive outlook from my late dad.
It’s such a shame when people are so negative and the negative effect they have on other people is totally lost on them, unfortunately if that’s how they are there isn’t much that can be done about it by others so I do sympathise with you lovely, we’re all here to listen but I know it’s not the same is it? Big hugs and love ❤️Xx Jane
Hi Scotty6, I knew I wouldn’t get the support I needed from my Mum so never expected it. I was lucky that I’d had counselling before cancer so understood how our relationship worked and I didn’t waste time looking for support. I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with this on top of your diagnosis. While it’s painful to gain this insight, I would say step away and focus on other family members and friends who can provide the support you need. Make it about you and not about your mum. Take care lovely 💕💕💕
Hi Scotty6,
My mum passed away in 2013, but I know she would have supported me, although I also know she would have not really listened to bad news, not because she didn’t want to but because she would not want to face facts I was seriously ill. She also probably wouldn’t fully understand what was going on. But I do miss her very much and wish she was here.
Perhaps your mum doesn’t want to believe you are ill and therefore doesn’t talk about it, go to your appointments or anything because it means it’s very real. I am sure she loves you very much but just cannot face the truth. Try sitting down with her if you feel you can and explaining how you feel, she may breakdown and it will all come our.
Sending you lots of love 💕 hugs 🤗 and positive thoughts your way.xxxx
Dear Scotty . The attitude you described must be very hurtful and hard to understand ! I’m really sorry to hear that .
One thing I’ve noticed is that it puts into very sharp focus people’s ability to process our condition and the more fragile or self oriented they are the less they can empathise! At my most vulnerable eg with pneumonia following chemo , I had to push to stop friends visiting with children to alleviate their own anxiety , but it was far too much for me !! The only people I wanted were my two daughters . Luckily they fielded the calls .. I have concluded that what we are going through highlights others ‘ virtues and faults . In some rare instances I’ve been surprised and shocked , and appalled by their attitude, in others very touched by their kindness and sincere understanding . It certainly is a barometer of testing others’ characters as well as our own!
Thinking of you through difficult times and wishing you the best outcomes !
Denise x
Denise, you hit the nail on the head. I went through a similar process with my "friends". Some have deeply touched me with their support and understanding, others have been so selfish and thoughtless I no longer keep in active contact with them. People do seem to display their true colours in this situation.
Scotty, There is another possibility for your mother's inability to empathize or comfort you. She could be very high functioning, on-the-spectrum, autistic. I have relatives of this description. They are actually brilliant people, however they cannot "read" faces or body language. They also do not have "Theory of Mind" and cannot even imagine what another person is thinking OR feeling. However, when given EXPLICIT instruction or requests they are utterly reliable. Females can mask this atypical neurology by watching and imitating other women. I know this sounds far fetched, but it's a possibility none the less. Please do not grieve the absence of your mother's empathy. Focus on the people you love and who treat you well. I'm sending you a gentle hug right now.🧡❤💜💙💚💛
I know exactly how you feel. I lost my mum to breast cancer when I was a child and by then my dad was living in South Africa as they had divorced years previously. My sister and I have always been in touch in with him and a couple of years prior to my diagnosis he was diagnosed with prostrate cancer. I supported him with regular phone calls and emails and thankfully after an op and radiotherapy he was cured. Two years later I was diagnosed and he barely acknowledge my illness. I'm a pretty upbeat person but really struggled when I had to have chemo. At the time I was also trying to sort out an issue he had with his Bank here in the UK and he was constantly on the phone asking me what was happening with the Bank and yet he never asked me how I was. It really got to me, especially when he didn't acknowledge my 50th birthday like he had done with my sister, so I had to email him to ask him to give me some space as I was hurt by his actions and lack of thought towards me, especially as I had supported him when he was going through treatment. His response was "I have friends with cancer and they don't like to talk about it and it's not as if you're losing your hair" (I was on carbo only). Needless to say we have a very distant relationship now. I keep in touch because he's my father but that's it. Funnily enough he phoned a few days ago to say he and his wife are moving into a retirement home and its going to cost a lot more than their current home but my sister and I weren't to worry about helping them out financially as "they know that children often do in these situations but they can just about manage the fees". My jaw hit the floor, we still have a mortgage, a 15 year old living at home and we are by no means rich so I really couldn't believe my ears. I think what I'm trying to say is that some people just don't get it and are completely self absorbed. I hope you manage to resolve your relationship with your mum Scotty but if not then don't blame yourself lovey, Kerry xx
Scotty, you have my most sincere empathy for this, plus I thank you for speaking out, because, like at least one other poster in this thread, I thought I was a rare case with an unsupportive family - who have always been that way.
Luckily, I am located on the other side of the world to them, so communication was restricted to phone calls, there didn't have to be any fuss made about the difficulty of them coming to visit and how much effort it was etc. I was glad they weren't around to demand attention as I didn't have any to give to them, I was busy pouring all my strength into fighting my own battle.
There has been a long history of my mother neglecting me during major crises (e.g. not bothering to leave her bingo game until it was all well over and done with), so on the day I finally got home from hospital, I rang, and my father said she was out, so I said I would ring back when she was home. But she'd gone out again when I did!
That was the straw that broke the camel's back - it all came pouring out. I rang up again when she got back, and I screamed and shouted and swore (not allowed in their house!) and ranted at her down the phone - and she got it. I don't know what or how it got through, but she's been so much nicer and thoughtful and sent cards and texts (she'd never replied to mine before).
I'm grateful I don't have to sit down in person with them, I can tolerate the weekly half-hour phonecall filled with superficial stuff (the weather! the neighbours!) I don't care about. I still dread it beforehand. That hasn't changed. My mother barely acknowledges what I've been through and the possibility of recurrence, but I always speak the truth, no sugar-coating.
So all I would say is - you are NOT alone, and we're all here for you. I am so sorry you are going through this, and you shouldn't have to. If you have the strength to do it, I suggest you keep talking about yourself, even if she's not acknowledging it. if you were further away you might have been ble to restrict yourself to time-limited phonecalls, as I do.
If you like reading, there is a book called, "I Only Say This Because I Love You" by Deborah Tannen, which looks specifically at miscommuncation between family members: deborahtannen.com/i-only-sa... . Loads of insight!
Carol
x
People eh! My mother was an extremely positive, non moaning type of person...which was great for her but... It meant that she had absolutely no empathy for anyone with any sort of illness because her answer was you'll be fine if you just pull yourself together and get on with it. To be fair she got breast cancer and had a mastectomy and I never heard her moan once, but I'd have liked a bit more support when I got sick in my twenties. I don't know what she would have said now I have cancer...probably that she coped so I should too. Maybe your mum is just so totally terrified at you being ill that she's going for the complete denial approach. Not helpful is it but I don't think people like that can change.
I'm more upset about some of my non supportive friends who don't want to discuss the subject at all. I get more help from online friends.
Lynn
x
Perhaps it's because she can't bear the thought of losing you and is burying her head in the sand. If it were me I'd just go along with it, be polite when I saw her but otherwise keep with the friends and family that show they care.
I don't necessarily think it's because she doesn't love you or care but that she cares so much she can't accept it.
I'm sorry it makes you feel so sad and this is quite understandable. You've told her how you feel and I can't think of anything else you can do. Sometimes parents are worse than children.
I do hope you can sort it all out. Love Zena xx
I had to ask my stepfather to get my mother to stop phoning me everyday as she only wanted to talk about what had happened at clinic or how much pain I was in. She only wants to hear the bad stuff. I don't need to think about it every day so it was not helpful. She has told everybody how hard it is for her to lose her only surviving child to cancer and that I am not being sympathetic enough to her plight. I have even had one of her friends phone me to tell me how unsupportive I am being to my 'poor mother'. Someone else has told me it is worse for her than me because 'she is the one being left behind'. I know she is upset but a large part of me thinks she is enjoying the attention from her friends. Even if that were not the case, I don't feel I am the person to support her right now.
Its enough to make you spit, isn't it... a short phrase springs to mind that I cannot type out on here; suffice it to say the two words begin with F and Y.... I feel sorry for your mother in this situation, but its happening to you, not her, and you take precedence. Still, at least you've realised what's going on and are no longer having any truck with it, good for you
Miriam
I do feel sorry for her but who else taught me to so be selfish and self-absorbed!
Ooh, now, you're absolutely not selfish and self absorbed - what's happening to you quite rightly takes precedence over everything else, especially if all she's doing is the ghoul thing, feasting on your physical distress, hardly helpful to you, is it... what you want is a mum who rings and asks if you're well enough to go to lunch or something. So yea, you might feel sorry for your mum, but I'm afraid that's not actually your problem If I'm honest, she should be able to express her distress to others in her peer group and take comfort from them, not expect you.to give it. I am aware that my stepsister, supportive though she is, does have a tendency to be melodramatic when telling other people about me, she likes the attention it brings her and has always been somewhat prone to exaggeration - but she's not showing that to me, so that's fine!
Ghoul and feasting are absolutely the right description! Thank you for that! It's strange because in so many ways she can be lovely - just not to me. I know she is not taking her medication correctly but that is nothing new.
I think its a bit strange that we all (including me) find it hard to accept that people are a mix of 'good' and 'bad', but we all do; a person can do the greatest good and also great harm. As for those expressions, well, they are familiar to me,seen it many times, the person gathering as much bad info as possible, just waiting to be be asked by someone about their poorly friend/relative, the slightly gratified air as they then pass on, usually in lowered, hushed, serious tones, not only bad news, but news somewhat embellished to be worse than it is, accompanied by significant looks and a suggestion of an air of holding something terrible back that their 'privileged' position only allows them to hint at... seen my stepsister do it many times. All about self importance I'm afraid, usually from a lack of self esteem. And yet, as I said, my stepsister, although I'm absolutely 100% certain she is doing that with others when away from me, is in fact very supportive and caring towards me. I remember once visiting her when she lived in Norfolk years ago- I'd had a bad back for a few weeks, and when I went to see her, one of her neighbours expressed utter astonishment that I wasn't in a wheelchair... hmm, funny that... Course, all that doesn't mean they're not genuinely upset about what's happening to us, they likely are...
There's only one rule for folks in our position with other people - accept the positive and useful, chuck out the negative and useless... whoever it is😊
Miriam
There's a sign on my fridge - its been there for some years, after I had a fair amount of psychotherapy, long before my cancer diagnosis. It reads 'Lord Spare Me from the Need for Love, Approval and Appreciation'. I put it there because I realised I used to spend a lot of time in a state of wounded disappointment when people behaved the way your mother is, or many of the other mothers mentioned here, but also people in general. I was trying to change my expectations, to recognise fully that you can't change other people's behaviour, you can only change your own, and part of that is changing your expectations, making them more realistic. Then I struggled with what I called 'people living down to my expectations', once I'd adjusted the expectation,, I found it quite depressing that people actually lived down to my new expectations! None of this is easy, and its particularly hard when its family members; I was 'luckier' than most on here because my mother had always been totally wrapped up in herself and pretty unintelligent, poor woman, so it was never possible to expect anything from her, ever; I always felt like her parent, right from a child, so the lack of motherly support wasn't something I would ever have noticed - what you've never had, you never miss.
My full blood sister has been incredibly disinterested and unsupportive, but to be honest, I knew she had some kind of personality problem years ago, and now, when she doesn't call, its other people who are outraged or shocked, not me; I find it quite funny really, because although it took me some years (because I was so attached to her) to finally recognise and accept what kind of person she is, I no longer feel hurt by her behaviour; I stopped expecting anything from her a few years back, other than maybe negative stuff if she did get in touch. And yes, I would love it if she was able to step up to the plate and positively support me, even be vaguely interested - but I don't expect it, and actually, if she suddenly did that, I wouldn't trust it nor take it seriously... no one turns themselves around that easily, there'd be an ulterior motive or benefit to her of some sort, it certainly wouldn't be about me. Fact is, she's the one with the problem, not me... and I can't change that. I think she found me much more difficult to deal with after my therapy, and her behaviour got worse - I'd changed the rules by changing how I interacted with her, and she didn't like that, which is pretty common amongst human relationships, based on the unspoken agreement of 'you be this and I'll be that' principle.
On the other hand, I have a stepsister, who has probably been the most unexpectedly supportive person of anyone I know - she stays with me every other weekend, helps out if I can't manage some things, and makes sure we take some 'normal time', like going out shopping or for a meal. Essentially, its swings and roundabouts, and just because people are your blood family, does not mean you're all going to be great mates, in fact, quite the opposite, often. Yet we all hold an innate expectation that our family will be there for us... I would suggest this is very much misplaced because, after all, your family members are just other people. 'Getting rid of the negative' may also mean getting rid of some your family members, or at least putting them right to the back of the cupboard and interacting as little as possible, because of the negative effect they will have on you and your wellbeing. Especially while you're struggling to come to terms with the reality of the relationship, and changing your expectation...
Miriam
So true Miriam. I've tried so hard to have conversations with my brother. I've had 3 email chats in the last year and non of them have involved the words 'how are you?' from him. Consequently I haven't told him about my dog dying (which was mega huge to me) or the cancer diagnosis, or the fact that I've got the house up for sale. If he can't ask how I'm doing then I can only assume he isn't interested. Sad.
Love your fridge magnet. My favourite on my fridge says 'I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look good either....
Lynn
x
He he, that's funny... One thing though - your brother may later say, why didn't you tell me. I mean, most people when they say how are you, don't really want to know, god forbid you give them a full answer, (though I always do and always have done, I can't be doing with the social ritual stuff, if you don't want to know, don't ask is my take); the expected social ritual is something like 'fine thanks, and you?' even if you've just had a leg removed. Thinking about it, a comedic sketch could be made about the how are you thing, I'm visualising someone on crutches or in a wheelchair and the other with a massive bandage round their head and arm missing or something, and they'd still go through the ritual. And he is only a bloke, maybe it doesn't occur to him to ask. On the other hand, if you feel your relationship is already a bit pointless, then maybe not saying anything is the right way to go... My sign is not actually a magnet, I typed it out myself in large point and printed it off; I put it on the fridge cos that's the door I look at most.. ..looking a bit yellowed and tatty now!
Hi Scotty6
My mother died long before I was diagnosed but I’m sure she would have had the same attitude. She was a very self absorbed and selfish person. Perhaps it was the age they grew up in!
It’s often said that if a man wants to know what a woman will be like in the future he should look at her mother. Judging by the many accounts here, what a load of rubbish that is.
I have good friends and family who are always there and this site is always full of kind and understanding ladies who always know the right things to say.
Lots of love
Kathy
Oh, Scotty. My mother was and my sister is Narcissistic. I am actually a bit glad my mother passed before I was diagnosed. She would have made it all about her. I was in a hospital for a month when I was 16 after a car accident and she never visited. My accident was a huge inconvenience to her. But my youngest sister has inherited the trait, so I just stay away from her. It's very OK to kick toxic people out of your life. Even family. Most times its essential. It hurts to not get validation or feel someone is not there for you but please understand they NEVER will be. So soak up that support from other family and friends and be a lot happier. I do sooooo understand. Big hugs to you.
Hey Scotty,
You have had so many excellent responses, that I don’t have much more I can add...other than a great big hug.
Lots of love to you,
Vicki x
I am so sorry to read this .When first diagnosed I wanted so much to be hugged by my Mum and told it would be fine like she used to when I was a girl , sadly I never told her I was ill , she had advanced altzheimers .I could see by her face that she knew there was something different about me but the cogs in her brain weren’t connecting .I lost her last year after I found out I had recurred .A blessing she never had the worry .
To have had your Mum and for her not to put you first is alien to me so please embrace the love of us all and try to get past this .xx
Thank you to everyone who responded your support and your own stories have helped me enormously. I intend to tell me one more time what my scan results were and where I am at now and if she isn’t interested I will not mention it ever again. My brother can if he wishes as he is supportive to me but my relationship with Mum will be superficial chit chat I will continue to help her with stuff because she is my Mum and my late Dad would want me to. But for now I need to concentrate on my own health & mental well being.
Sending love to all of you xx
Maybe give a little thought to how powerful forgiveness is. I think that those who forgive benefit far more from forgiving than those who are forgiven. It’s quite empowering to forgive and can be a way to change the relationship to one where there are fewer expectations and therefore less disappointment.
1916 - Ann - (aka Liz)
Ovarian cancer stage 3c/4
Mum's latest Oncologist meeting 🙄
Love to you all .... And keep fighting
