knowing if it is Worth Continuing

Hi, this is dibill, Luk4ward's husband. This morning I found myself confronted with my wife's desire to discontinue with treatment and for the first time in almost five years she has felt she does not wish to continue, think Lynda/Linda Bellingham, may she RIP. I have totally gone into free fall after this and have had a drink, but I will support my lovely wife's wishes. I was on the forum a couple of weeks back when my wife was in hospital with an sub-acute bowel obstruction. She has not recovered from that and has lost all motivation and her lively spark has gone. How do you re-enthuse a loved when they have decided they have had enough. My focus has changed from putting options on the table to planning end of life. I feel that anything I do now to prolong my wife's fight is against my wife's wishes and I will not do that. My wife's wishes are paramount.

16 Replies

  • Dibill what a lovely husband you are. It's incredibly hard to see the person you love and have cared for decline in health losing that spark as you say . Have you support from your GP and local hospice . I have found my local palliative care have been wonderful supportive to both me and my husband. They can offer both physical and emotional support for you both . Of course your wife had been through a lot recently and it's still early days from her hospital admission, recovery can take time. I hope you have or get all the support needed . Kx

  • Thanks, I had reservations about the local palliative care team but the Community NHS nurses and MacMilllian nurse have been great and the work they do is wonderful. I agree and have discussed it with my wife that it is early days from the trauma of hospital and still hope my wife will see this.

  • With good pain control, I hope she will be comfortable. I hope you both can find peace and perhaps joy in shared memories. God be with you both. Vxxx

  • Thanks vv pain control has made her comfortable. We have been looking at old photographs and my wife smiles a lot, she is in there. One of our desires is that when the day comes it will be pain free, she has had enough pain may God grant it.

  • I can only speak from how I feel. I stopped after three doses Im quite anti chemo anyway and for ages I felt defeated by the whole caboodle but I am starting to feel like my old self again. More aches and pains and fatter but mentally although forgetful sort of a familiar normal. I'm not sure of your wife's OC current situation but gut instinct accounts for a lot. We just have to follow our heart for ourselves.


  • Yes, That is something all of us should be allowed to do.

  • So so sad and know how heart wrenching it must be for you.

    You can do nothing but love and support your wife. She has been through a lot and maybe after rest her body and spirits may recover.

    Cancer brings with it, hellish down days from which we never think we will recover, then a new day starts with a more healthier feeling.

    Sending you much love and support to you and your dear wife, make her comfy and give her all the treats she desires.

    Do let us know how things are


    Jackie O

  • The mind blowing thing about it all is that since coming off some medications for a recent sub-acute bowel obstruction she picked up mentally but has been adamant since the 18th May that the time has come. Sadly she has decided not to go ahead with her taxol dose Monday 23rd. Will that decision change by Monday? I doubt it. I cannot remember anytime in the past five years days that have been as tough as the past 3 days. It is her birthday tomorrow, she will be 48, I hope to do something nice with her.


  • Thank you so much for posting this. I have moments when I think 'is it all worth it' and we can only make that decision for ourselves. I often feel as though I'm hanging in there for other people. There was a lovely bit in Tony Benn's broadcasts where he told his wife, after a struggle with cancer, that it was ok for her to leave them, that they loved her but they'd be ok. Can't remember the exact words. But I'm not there yet, luckily. It's wonderful that you are supporting her in this. I hope she will recover but if not I am so glad that you are there to support her in her decision x

  • It is nice to talk to you all on this forum, I said to my wife I cannot see myself recovering from her loss and she says that is why she cannot go, but I have reassured her that I will get through this and said to her please go when you feel you can. Her appetite and desire to drink has lessened today I just hope it is the back end of her taxol chemo she had last Monday. I still wait and hope she will wake up the next day and feel better in herself but ultimately if the time has come she passes painlessly. I cannot believe I am even thinking this way. Should I be 'come on Diana it is not your time' and push her to get around but her wishes are paramount and I cannot do that.

  • It is nice to hear stories like Tony Benn's. I hope you have the strength to hang in there for other people but it is no easy task I would imagine.

  • Hi dibill, I am so sorry your wife is feeling down at the moment and cannot see herself continuing her treatment. Of course she is probably still struggling after her bowel obstruction. I suggest you ask your care team for the fortified drink you can get for her and yogurts as well. This will help her strength a bit. Its a decision we will all have to make at some stage. Just have the supports you need and also maybe ring the Ovacome Nurse on Monday, I understand she is very helpful best wishes

  • My wife does drink the fortisjuce and I get her yogurt drinks and today her appetite seemed that bit better.

    Thanks suzuki

  • That is good news, it must be very hard for you though and I hope you are getting all the supports you need. Ruth the Ovacome Nurse should be able to advise you of these if you ring her

  • So sorry you're going through this and how lucky Diana is to have you as a companion.

    For what it's worth, I felt all over worse after treatment in January for bowel obstruction and nearly three weeks in hospital and took much longer to recover than from any earlier surgeries or chemo. The prospect of it happening repeatedly was and is daunting.

    Going back to chemo while in recovery from that was the last thing I wanted or felt able to do. But I did. The first two cycles afterwards were just horrible, but it did get better and now I'm glad I did.

    I do hope you get to talk to hospice or similar care and I do wish you both the very best. Stay strong. xxx

  • I am happy you were strong enough to go back to chemo after a bowel obstruction, well done you, and I hope you can build on that strength and great to hear you feel better. My wife has had 5 obstructions in about the last two years and generally everyone is surprised by the strength she has had to get through them. Her chemo is set for 11.20 tomorrow and she will either feel strong enough in the morning to attend or it will pass us by. I will try and keep you amazing ladies posted.

    Thank you allxx

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