When I was with my kids on a cruise in the summer holidays( on a reduced dose of Niraparib) I gradually became more and more anaemic. At my previous scan I had not been given brilliant news...and I had had a dream/evening fantasy that I was either going to die on Nov. 30th (17) or to live for quite a long time. I think the rationale for this was, for the families sake I wanted the funeral and whole kaboodle over by Christmas!! Could also be my obsession with planning(!)
Anyway, whilst feeling pretty ill I told my 14 year olds in a fairly jokey fashion as I wanted them to think I might well live a long time! And it was obvious to them that I could not do as much as I would have liked.
I did share this with a very limited people on this site but did not put it on a public post.
Anyway, as you can see Nov 30th has come and gone and I am still very much alive! As the date got nearer, I did confess to the limited no of people I had told that I thought I would survive the date....and laughed a bit with them at my attempt to super-plan.
The weird thing was that on Nov. 30th early in the morning I was sick...this continued most of the day....,driving to have my blood test for chemo the next day I was sick in the car several times and had to turn for home. The chemo was delayed till the pm the following day, in order for me to have another blood test and the next day I felt fine. I assumed...and still do think this is true.. I .had eaten something odd the day before...possibly too many flax seeds for which I have developed quite a taste...
However, post chemo(weekly taxol) my evening meal and a few hours watching tv I was violently sick again. To cut a long story short...being unable to retain any fluid or anti sickness medication I ended in in hospital, transported by emergency ambulance at 3 00am to be re hydrated...no real temperature or any other symptoms and was there for only 14 hours. Veins very collapsed due largely to lack of fluid...but luckily the super kind and amazingly efficient dr's and nurses were eventually able to find one to insert a drip. Was left in my clothes because I felt so ill. Came to sufficiently on the cancer ward to see my oncologist at the foot of the bed, saying she thought it was probably a virus....I still think it might have been too many flax seeds!!.
However, am posting this today as I have had more chemo and am (relatively) fine. The whole story has given us something to dine out over Christmas and my kids now think I will live quite a while...hope that works ouT.
However, is just a bit of a cautionary tale....am not sure I will try to plan so much in the future. Take care all of you, watch the alternative foods and have as good and peaceful Christmas as this disease allows....I really appreciate all of you on this site/forum. Much love and many hugs, Chris xxx
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Didn't I read somewhere a long time ago that Dawn French absolutely knew for certain that she would die aged 50? She was 60 in October. Can't always be sure of these things. So glad you are still here to share the spookiness with us. Kryssy xxx
Oh, don't I recognise the tendency to excessive planning! And the casting around for what has caused how we feel on a particular day! And the not necessarily agreeing with the specialists....
So glad you you're feeling better ( you were bound to not be on the 30th) and as you say.... this will run and run.
What an amazing account.. i have no 'date ending' story but earlier this year I felt so bad I really didn't think I would be here at Christmas again. BUT...
Went out for a lovely dinner last evening with son and wife who have just moved into the most beautiful house in Hampshire. We drank champagne to toast us all and today we are going to buy them - hopefully - a cherry tree for their garden which I see as my future memory in their lives...
Not that I intend to pop my clogs yet!! My mind and body are now well projected into Spring 2018. my weekly taxol treatment nears the end and has given me a new lease of life for awhile it feels.
Hi Janet, thanks for your reply...yes I agree about the weekly taxol being good.....although I'm not sure about whether it's working....did you go by the Ca 125
It is bizarre how this disease makes us think and sometimes possibly overthink everything. I’m so pleased you got past November 30th and are still with us here.
I have heard tell of people being able to accurately foretell their own demise but I’m glad you were wrong with this.
I believe that as girls we are inherently programmed to organise things, even the most unorganised of us, it’s in our genetic makeup as homemakers (I use that advisedly) to plan and prepare and maybe you were planning subconsciously for a possible event that thankfully didn’t take place, since diagnosis and treatment I have put all my affairs in order (as they say) my will is made and funeral plans sorted and we’ve sorted out the loft (possibly the hardest bit to do😬), I’m currently finalising plans for another Christmas that at diagnosis I wasn't sure I’d get to see and am so happy to be dealing with it all.
Each day is a big bonus and we should try to enjoy them where we can. Keep as well as you possibly can be for as long as you possibly can lovely ❤️Xx Jane
Thanks...I agree with the female bit of it and am proud of that! Would love to make 5 years from diagnosis....don't think it's likely and think my onco. would be pretty amazed but hey ho...told her the Marsden bit of the partnership would make another appt after Nov 30th....have got to bite that bullet now! Love Cx
Hi Chris ........
I can remember when I first embarked on my journey - way back in July 2010 (I was just 63). At that time I thought I wouldn't reach Xmas - and like you did all of the above. The years slipped passed with all their added complexities and treatments and again 'the planning and preparation' reared its head, each time but with a gratefulness that I was still living. So here we are heading for Xmas 2017 and this year I reached 70!
Like you not a good year, with many many what feels like 'non productive' NHS visits peppered with dire days going back and forth, Major non productive Op; trying for LOGs Trial; 2nd options all bringing negativity and disappointments. BUT like You and ALL the amazing Ladies on this forum I have and do muddle on. On a recent 2nd opinion I was told how amazingly well I had done over the past 7 with my Recurrent Low Grade Serous Ovarian Carcinomia in my Peritoneal (PPC - Ovarian) but clearly options with this rarer form of Ovarian Cancer are limited. With 7 years I feel very very blessed and continue to treasure each 'milestone' and look back and laugh at myself for all my attempts at 'strategic planning'. I hold dear the saying 'THIS TOO WILL PASS' which I tell myself regularly ..... and sure enough it does pass!
With Christmas looming - keep looking for the 'silver linings' which are always there albeit sometimes only with hindsight!
Take care Chris - huge hugs .....
Don't forget if you want a chat just pick up that phone OR let me know if I can visit, happy to take / go with you for treatment!
It’s nice to be away if I could kick the pain it’d be easier to be first one down at the sun beds lol. Some of these people are at least 20 years older than me and walk like an 18 year old lol
That's quite a story, Chris! I am so glad it turned out well, and that you're still with your family. Here's wishing you a very Merry Christmas and many more Christmases to come!
Hi Judy, thanks for your reply....l also was diagnosed in 2015...have I think mets in the liver and my kids were born in the US so there's some fellow feeling there! Wish you a happy and peaceful Chrristmas too...love Chris xxxx
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