Depressed

I have completed 2 out of six cycles of carboplatin/taxol. Fortunately I have coped very well only suffering tiredness constipation and the dreaded hair loss. But now I feel so depressed. Such a lot seems to have happened in then last few months. I first visited my GP on 26th July and within 6 weeks I had had an ultra sound, MRI, CT scan, 2 visits to a gynecologist and a full hysterectomy . 2 weeks later I was diagnosed with early stage ovarian cancer and told chemo would be needed to stop it coming back. I know how lucky I have been. But I now seem to sinking into a black hole of despair why me? ( I have looked after myself and was fit and healthy before this) will it come back? Will I die crom it eventually anyway? I look awful and I hate eating wigs/scarves. Will this nightmare never end. My partner and work colleagues have been amazing but I have had little family support. My parents are elderly and I have no brothers or sisters and one daughter lives 3 hours drive away and the other 40 minutes and I feel they don't care as they don't discuss my situation with me . I feel so lonely and cry all the time. I just can't snap out of it.

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  • I felt exactly like this after the second cycle of carbo/taxol. My doctor gave me some anti-depression pills, but they gave me diarrhea so I never got round to taking them, but my mood lifted anyway. I've just had 4th cycle, and on Sunday was despairing again, however today - Wednesday - I am fine again. I have found it a great help to keep a daily diary of how I feel and symptoms, as I can look back and say 'that was day 5 after chemo, that's how I felt, I got better then, I will this time.'

    Is there a cancer support group in your area? Talking to people who understand what you are going through is helpful. It is hard for children to come to terms with parents being ill, especially when they have their own lives to cope with.

    Rather annoyingly, I have found the advice to take at least a little exercise every day helpful.

  • Hi Corribrae

    When you consider what you've been through ( what we've all been through) the way you are feeling is perfectly reasonable.

    However knowing that doesn't make it go away.. so I would suggest that a few sessions with a counsellor and/or joining a support group as Rachael says.

    We don't have to 'cope' all the time with this...weirdly having a melt down can help you move forward.

    Hope you find a way forward

    Lyndallx

  • HI Corribrae, Hardly surprising you're feeling depressed. We all go through it at some point with this disease and it hit me when I was half way through chemo. I was on carboplatin only and didn't lose my hair but I hated the way chemo made me feel. I became very depressed and was a nightmare to live with as I couldn't seem to lift myself up. I'm normally a very positive person and hated what I had become. Long story short I started to pick up once chemo had finished and within three months I was pretty much back to my normal self. Your daughters probably don't discuss your illness with you because it probably frightens them. My sister and I are very close but she doesn't discuss my illness with me because she doesn't like seeing me ill. She said to me when I was first diagnosed "Kerry you don't do being ill" because it knocked her for six as up until then I was a very healthy 47 year old. She showed her concern in other ways though, like ending me a lovely bracelet when I was having chemo, sending me flowers and other thoughtful gifts. I don't feel the need to talk to her about it because she obviously isn't comfortable discussing it and that's fine with me. My hubby is very good but to be honest I tend to mainly open up on this forum as everyone understands what's it's like. Would it be worth going to see your GP to see if they can prescribe something and in the meantime I'm going to send you the biggest virtual hug as I remember those feelings all too well. Take care and remember you're not alone, we're all in this with you, Kerry xx

  • I agree with the comments above. All sound advice. I too became very down during my chemo, to the point that I decided I simply had to stop altogether. I spoke to my consultant about this and together we formed a plan to keep going for the next 2 treatment sessions. Recently this did include an appointment with a oncology psychologist on the NHS. If you are lucky enough to secure this, you will find it a great help.

    The other non-specifically medical thing to do is to find a support group. Have you got a Maggie's Centre nearby?

    Finally, about the family piece. Some people find it really difficult to talk to us when we're going through this. I suppose we should try to understand that they don't know what to say, but personally I believe a lot of the time it's based on a real fear. Fear of cancer itself, fear of what it's doing to the one they love, and irrationally, a fear that it might be contagious!

    Take care of yourself, accept all the harsh things that have been done to your body - and to your mind. You'll get back to the real you in time. Trust me x

  • Hi, I don't have anything much to add to the above comments. Like me, its good news that you have been caught early. I've had one chemo...when I found myself hooked to the chemicals, I was asking how in Gods name did I end up here! It's a lot to come to terms with. We've had to put up with so much anxiety, stress, pain and worry. I try and see chemo, tough as it is, as a means to an end and only take each day as it comes. I really hope you feel better in yourself soon. Sending you all the best, Sarah x

  • Hi all great comments and advice from everyone. I too was diagnosed and had surgery in 6 weeks last December then chemo and now I'm on Avastin until Feb. It is a total shock to you and your body. I never had symptoms and certainly didn't do illness. I have one child, a son who can't talk to me about it and doesn't phone as much.. I understand this as I know him. It it still hurts me but as his mum I don't say anything. Chemo is cumulative and by round 3 I was very ill and ended up in hospital a few times. I lived in my own until April this year but became to ill to look after me so for now I'm living with my sister and her husband with all my belongings in storage. In my dark moments living alone and sitting in bed during the early hours I just sobbed my heart out, I just felt alone and very sad this has happened to me. Chemo is brutal and all this is a long hard journey. I finished chemo in June, have hair about an inch and a bit long and look so much better. I still have sad days which we all do but you will get there and feel much better after chemo. It's treating the cancer and helping you. Keep strong and just work through all this. Keep us alllposted how you're doing because we all understand. Love Michelle xx💐

  • Hi beautiful,

    Everything you are saying is totally normal. You are not alone. I remember thinking I was going to die and leave my 3 little kids all alone. I was going through a divorce and had a lot of anger too. I remember the dr having to put me in a back room all by myself because I was crying hysterically! I asked why no body else was crying and be made me laugh when he said, " well, we can't have you all crying in the same day!" It does get better, I promise you! I am now not only living but thriving from stage 122C ovarian cancer. I even hAd an iliostomy for 6 months and a permanent cathedar! I feel so lucky that I was a Pilates and yoga teacher before all this happened and I knew that movement and exercise would help my depression! I am always here to talk if you need a friend

    Please reach out

    This too shall pass❤️❤️

    Emilee

  • Hi Corribrae,

    It's incredibly shocking going through diagnosis, operations and treatments so quickly and I think it's fairly common that once chemo starts (& with it both side-effects and time alone) what's happens knocks us for six!!

    Please be kind to yourself!!

    I similarly struggled with much of what you've described and asked my CNS to refer me for support... I saw an amazing oncology-psychologist just befor each chemo and then for a while after treatments had finished and I was recovering from it all.. It made the world of difference (kept me just about sane!!) and I would thoroughly recommend it. As others have said, if you can't see someone individually, do ask at your local Maggie's, Macmillan centre, GPs or even hospice as many of these have groups for people who you'll find are feeling very similar to you (I think the isolation makes things 100 times worse) but where you'll find support in many guises....

    Wishing you hope and strength Sxx

  • I finished chemo 4 weeks ago and just couldn't cope with the anxiety, depression, sadness, crying. My GP prescribed some anti depressants and so far they seam to be helping. I wish I had taken them months ago, but I am one that doesn't like taking tablets. I also have been fortunate to be put forward for a mindfulness course and am hoping this will help. It's worth speaking to local groups, Maggies, McMillan ..... it's amazing how talking through what your going through really helps. You are not alone in the way you are feeling, and it will get better, xxx

  • Hi I feel horrible atm...........on and off for years I have had weird turns when for no reason I suddenly feel unwell, think I am going to faint, racing heart etc and feel very scared and anxious. Have been rushed to hospital, had ecgs etc and no explanation ever found. When my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer in 2008 my triplets were only 9 and it was hell. I had several of these "attacks" then. Now its my turn, diagnosed in July, stage 1c2 had full hysterectomy and having 3rd chemo carbo only next week. Was in the town on Tues and wallop, suddenly felt unwell, faint, went to gp blood pressure was sky high but they are convinced it is all stress causing it. I thought I was coping ok. So been put on short course of diazepam and got to go see gp to perhaps think about taking something long term. Always been anti taking things, never did after the death of my son, felt if I could cope with that I could cope with anything. My family and friends were so good in the beginning of this journey, never hear from friends now, all busy! I need a laugh, I need other company than my family here, two of my three children are away from home now, one in the Army and one at Uni and I miss them. I only you could get a prescription for support and being spoilt......does that sound selfish? I just think with me everyone thinks I am coping after losing my son, having triples aged 45 an then looking after my husband through his own cancer and he now has Parkinsons on top..........and now ovarian cancer! Deep breaths and carry on! Off for my pre chemo bloods this morning and maybe the chat to the nurse will help. I guess its good to know I am far from being the only one, hope it gets better for you all. xx

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