Feeling a bit lost

Hi been back to work now for two weeks, on reduce hours they have been good but I feel like they are not grasping it my illness I totally feel a different person now think it has hit me what I've been through, and it might be time to change my job been with the company 10 years think I need a change I'm looking at life a lot different now due to this horrible disease!! I'm am going on a program which I'm am looking forward too to help me move on, plus I've joined a walking group with Maggie's start next week, my work friends have been great but I know it will take time to get back to the person I was before I had this illness, went into work yesterday and had a bit of a melt down just started crying and I didn't want to be there - had appointment with my doctor she been great I need to build up my confidence, well we have been through it ladies got 5 days rest now that will help me Didn't think it would be this hard but I will keep going - sorry if I've have just waffled on this site is great and the support hope you lovely people are having a good day!

Tess66 xx

23 Replies

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  • Hello Tess, our hearts go out to you as most, if not all, of us have experienced this in some shape or other. I'm sure others will share detail but all I can share is start being as kind, or kinder, to yourself than you are to others now. So very pleased your GP and friends are supportive, so this horrid part of the unwanted episode in your life has a chance of moving onto better days....gradually, day by day, hour by hour you will notice different things, some of which you'll want to be 'having less of' (so can start to look at what you can do to make these 'smaller') and hence space is made for things you are drawn towards putting into your life. Tears are normal and healthy - I look at them as grieving for those hopes I had for life 'BC' (before cancer). On the 'formal' front, research shows that about 50% of us swop jobs within two years of our cancer diagnosis and finishing treatment, so join those of us making that shift!

    Hope the day has some good bits in it. Lesley x

  • Thank you for your lovely words Lesley I'm am feeling a lot better today, putting little plans in my head and being more positive πŸ˜€ If we got through this horrible disease we can get through everything! We are brave little soldiers and survivors xxx

  • Although I have not gone back to work as yet ... I know that I feel the same way as you do... OC does change you I am s lot more out spoken and I want to enjoy my time more if that makes sense... All the best for your course hope it helps you to decide your new direction.

  • Thanks shellygirl, I'm am a out spoken person, think OC has just knocked my confidence a bit I'm am getting stronger each day had my last chemotherapy 3 weeks ago - keeping positive hope you will be okay when you make that journey back to work take xxx

  • Hi Tess I was just the same as you when I went back to work after op and chemo that was 6 yrs ago now it was sales in a store and I just couldn't do it like before and spent a few times in the loo in tears,my boss wasn't supportive at all and couldn't understand what was wrong with me! So that was it I looked for another job which I got in a care home something I had never done before and I loved it plus when I had a reoccurance they were brilliant, so don't be hard on yourself we have all been there and it will get better best wishes.Yvonne x

  • Thanks vonny1960, your words have helped me lot, I hope you are well now? Take Care xx

  • I'm doing ok thanks on hormone treatment at the moment just seeing how it goes x

  • Hi Tess,

    I felt exactly the same when I went back to work. This illness changes us and we have to find a new normal. It takes time. Work colleagues see a brave woman who has been through so much and come out hopefully cured and unless they have been through something similar will never fully understand. Don't make any rash decisions yet, just be kind to yourself and take things day by day. 🌻🌻

  • Thanks Chrisr will not make any rash decisions will take each day at a time πŸ˜€ Tess66 xx

  • Hi Tess,

    What you are going through is completely normal,people don't understand you will never be the same,all they see is someone that is well now and why can't you get over it? They aren't being uncaring,it's just that they don't understand like someone who has been through it.

    Don't make a rash decision,but make the right decision for you,as you deserve it.

    Maybe you need a bit of councelling or support? But if you have 5 days rest,spend that time re -evaluating,doing the things you enjoy and come up with a little plan,something that gives you a way of moving forward.

    We have all been there,still are and we are all here for each other when we need it,

    Good luck,

    Carole xxx

  • Hi Tess I felt exactly the same as you last year, I felt a very different person and my confidence had hit rock bottom, I felt that the people I was working with just didn't want me or need me come to that, but it was just how I was feeling, I stuck with it and slowly my confidence started to build up bit by bit. My colleagues got used to me being back and I got used to being back at work with all the pressures, it takes time. Give it some time before making any changes. Good luck and a big hug

    Karen xxx

  • Thank you feeling a lot better now will give it time my work colleagues have been great I know my confidence will comeback in time take care xx

  • Thanks Carole I'm am going on a program which deals with coucelling got an appointment on Friday is run for 8 weeks looking forward to it I'm am sure I will be a lot more stronger and positive with my new life take care.xx

  • HI Tess, it is hard going back to work because of what we have been through and because people dont want to bring up the subject of your illness and you are in no mans land. At the same time you are expected to be back to normal within five minutes of arriving at work. This doesnt work and didnt work for me. I stayed with it though and got through it and retired last year due to age. So it gets bearable, remember it is okay to have a melt down because it was the time for you to have one/ Be kind to yourself and if their is a hr person you can speak to, do that for yourself. Best wishes

  • Thank you Suzuki for your support I feel a lot better reading your words - we do have a occupation health services will be see that person soon I will air all of my views how I'm am feeling ☺️ Hope you are enjoying retirement and having a health life I've got a bit of a while before I can retire (need to win the lottery ha) take care xxx

    Tess66

  • I understand completely! You are not alone! My workmates sent me one card before my hysterectomy then just assumed I'd be back full time in 6-8 weeks then got cross when they found they'd have to cover for at least 6 more months as could only work half time at home during chemo. I got cold shoulders, no real reintegration, whispers that I wasn't 'really working' at home and no one tried to keep me in the loop. I also suspect, after much research that the piling on of more and more work in the same hours and the resulting constant stress @ that job was a contributory factor to the cancer.

    My job has now been deemed surplus to requirements and rather than apply for another work laden stressful job there I have taken vol redundancy and am reassessing my life and what I want (not constant stress - LOL)

    So probs @ work are, I think common and your view of life will have just done a headstand so changes follow for many of us...

    I don't know what your prognosis is but take time to think what YOU want of what may be (but we hope not) a cancer limited life - do research or maybe explore your financial situation with an expert - I found self employment from home doing admin support with uk tax breaks adding to income an option as is taking some pensions early becos of ill health as is part time work + some welfare benefit support - all options I could not have thought of/costed out myself! But all would give me a better quality of life with employers, clients or colleagues who hadn't known me BEFORE cancer and therefore would not expect me to be 'just the same'

    Forgive my long ramble and best of luck to you Xxx

  • Thanks for the advise Alibee2 I've have worked with this company for 10 years, is doing admin and customer support role - is a very well know retailers - they have been good while I've be off - they just don't grasp it, at the moment I'm am a very jolly person and I think they just assume I will bounce back to my own self - I know my confidence will get better and I will get stronger- at this moment I feel weak and I want then to know it will take time for me to get back to normal I've have explained this it just needs to sink in with them - hopefully they will see this soon. Hope you are getting your life sorted out and enjoying life.

    Take Care

    Tess66 xx

  • Hi Tess. I know just how you feel. When I was off work for a year with colon cancer and ovarian cancer it was very tiring and stressful. So when I finally got back to work I still hadn't had enough time to get back to a normal life without chemo treatments and scans. I went back to work as soon as treatments were done but the shock of everything I had endured was still in my mind. People do not understand this.

    For me I just took my time at the job. I didn't try to overdo anything at first. Just started out slowly and not taking on a truckload of work. After a couple of weeks I finally got back into the routine of going to work everyday . By the 3rd week I felt as if I had never been away for a year. You can get thru this. Just allow yourself some time.

  • Thanks hunkydory, for you lovely advice I will take my time it will be my third week in, feeling a lot better me to it has only be three weeks since my last chemotherapy but I'm am feeling better each day, doing reduce hours for about 7 weeks - my doctor has been great I will be seeing our works occupation health nurse in two weeks - think I should of seen her sooner we use to have one in house, I'm keeping positive and my chin up so glad the chemotherapy is over - us ladies deal with a lot with OC we are brave little soldiers ☺️

    Take Care

    Tess66 xxx

  • Hi i read your post and felt i wanted to just give you a big hug!!

    i went back to work in march and found it tough at first but my gp like yours is amazing and it turned out i was anaemic and vit d defience due to chemo so after some treatment it was a completely different case i felt so much better

    people say to me i look so well and just like my old self at work but i just smile and think i am me but a newer wiser version !! eight months after chemo i find i am doing everything i used to do and enjoying it ihave lost just over 2 stone and am looking forward, what ever comes will come but for now i am back at work enjoying life.

    i am sure you will get there too you have done amazing to go back to work , i laugh at people ( inside my head!!) when they sit at work and moan about oh my feet hurt or my back hurts i think really ?? but thats life i guess

    keep going and remember how far you have come and just think your a new and improved version of you huge hugs xx

  • Hi Tess.

    Know how you feel. I'm just into my 3rd week of phased return. My last chemo was in February. You will still have all those chemicals Whizzing round your system.

    My work have been very supportive and my colleagues are great. My problem is my own. I feel a little lacking in confidence and am trying to overcome the barrier of feeling I cannot cope or make good decisions. I find I am overthinking things and worrying about not being able to fulfil my role properly. I am not used to feeling this way. I am only doing 3 hours, 3 days a week, so it is good to have some down time. Finding i need a nap some afternoons when I get home.

    I am going to see if I can get some support from my Maggie's centre to help with the mental side of this. My body is fit and ready for business it's just my head that needs sorting.

    Definitely thinking that i might want a change. Got used to my new way of living. The old way was good too, but I'm different now and don't know if I fit the old way so well.

    You don't know what you can do if you don't try. So I'm giving it a try. Got a week in Barcelona to look forward to at the end of October with my husband. Would love to hear how you get on .

    Loraine xx🌻🌼🌷

  • Hi Lorraine

    I finished my chemotherapy 3 weeks ago maybe I went back to soon? I'm am feeling a lot better now, I'm am doing three hours at the moment for three days. I'm am going to beechwood cancer center tomorrow to be put on a 8 week program one Day a week, I've also put my name down for Maggie's they are doing a walking group every two Thursday in the month, looking forward to that. I had a full hysterectomy & the omentum removed in march at the Christie so that was 6 months ago they said I was stage 2 I just had carboplatin so I didn't lose my hair, my work colleagues have been great my job is dealing with customers and complaints I loved doing it I know when I get stronger I will be fine I'm am just going to take my time at the moment I'm am happy I got good news that my CT scan was clear and I go back in December πŸ˜€ Got I weekend away in October with friends from work, work have organized it we are going to Milan can't wait πŸ˜€ Plus I've just celebrated my first wedding anniversary so we are looking at holidays now I can go away 😁 Take care

    Tess66

    Xxx

  • I went back full time straight after six months of surgery and chemotherapy.Big mistake,within two hours I was weeping in my office after being so strong during my treatment.Everyone kept telling me how marvellous I was and looked great.My solution was to negotiate part time work and after recurrences I retired and did voluntary work .I t has proved damaging to our finances but not peace of mind.Good luck. Vivxx

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