Am going Mad

Hi everyone, I don't post on here v often as am trying my hardest to get on with life despite this bloody thing. If anyone else tells me to think positively I might not be responsible for my actions! But how do you cope? I am convinced I am having a firsts recurrence after just five months since the end of my first treatment, and I think I am going mad. I have two kids aged 8 and 11 and I can't stop crying every time I look at them. I feel so cheated as I have so much more to achieve in life.

But how do you cope with this? Any advice would be very much appreciated. My poor husband is going round the bend too!

14 Replies

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  • I am so sorry you feel like that. Now have you been to your gp or your gynae. You know it does take a while to recover from chemo so you may still be having side effects from the treatment and that is normal. It is also okay to feel upset as long as you can get yourself together again after a bit. If you are finding this difficult, do contact your macmillan nurses or a local cancer support group. I am eight years down the line had a few recurrences and I did have to go to talk to a counsellor to straighten me out a few months back, so that is worth trying. I am lucky in that my family are grown up and that makes a difference. It must be hard with younger children. Monday morning make an appointment with your gp at least and tell him your fears, he can arrange bloods and referral for ct scan. That will help put your mind at rest, With cancer, our minds run into overdrive so remember that sending you virtual hugs

  • Thanks Suzuki. I am seeing my onc next Thursday, so will ask her for tests then.

    I will also ask for referral to a psychologist. My gp offered me anti depressants but I said no as I don't want to become dependent. I just read that two handfuls of cashews are nature'sappy pills, so I might try that.

    Have mostly given up booze but might have a swig of vino since it is Friday.

    S x

  • Great suggestions from Suzuki- I also found a lot of helpful stuff in this cancercounselling.org.uk/Pe...

    Hope it works!! If not Google "Peter Harvey After the Treatment Finishes". Wishing you strength and hope xxx

  • Well I am lucky enough to have a cancer support service within my reach and I went there and got referred to a counsellor. Like you, I didnt want anti depressents. So a few sessions sorted me, I know there are times I am tired and cant go walking but there are also times I make excuses to myself. So trying to sort that one. Look you are seeing the gynae next week, you are probably worried about that into the bargain. It is natural and hopefully all will be good and you will be able to sit back and relax and organise yourself for Xmas

  • Hi hectoria I know what you mean it's frustrating when they keejust p saying that easy for them I too keep thinking every pain or ache is it coming back I find if I try not think too far ahead I don't get too upset live each day a day at a time spend time with my family as much as I can and make lots of memories there are ladies on here that have kept this cancer at bay ten years or more hope y ou feel bit less down I have told my husband that while I am not too ill with treatment I want to carry on as normal every day as much as I can or the cancer is winning all ways

  • Hi,no you are not going mad!! You have every right to feel as you do.We all have these dark days when we think'Why me' Yes we will feel positive a lot if the time, but don't want patronising by people who whilst well meaning don't have a clue what we are going through.

    I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you with young children, I am much older than you and have grandchildren.On the big plus side, when I see them ,I do forget my woes,if only for a short time. Had to laugh recently when my five year old grandson asked me if I was disabled!!

    Your children and your husband are your life, so you have to be strong fir them when you are able. Your husband will find it dufficult to know what to do, mine just keeps telling me how sorry he is. Some days, we have 'no speak Cancer days, when it's not mentioned, otherwise it controls everything. That's not to say of course that it won't be lingering in the dark corners if your mind., but with your young children and Xmas coming there will be lots of wonderful distractions.

    Bottom line is that they are making great inroads with the treatment of OC and reading abit if what the experts are saying, the disease is better managed now, and a lot if the drugs viewed as maintenance, as with diabetes for example.

    Wishing you much strength ,will be thinking of you xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • You've had loads of good replies already.

    Just to reinforce that this whirlpool sounds like what so many of us recognise.

    I had a referral from my onc to the clinical psychologist and just a couple of sessions were really helpful, so I do recommend following up that route.

    It's a bugger of a disease; it's early days for you; the treatment's no way near out of your system; you've got big responsibilities (as well as pleasures and challenges!).

    Don't be hard on yourself.

    Have that glass of vino - even two. Make sure to enjoy it.

    I find I am more prone to tears as I get older, since children, so this is a natural progression.

    As for positive thinking.... well, it's easy to say and it's often easier said than done.

    I'd guess your best friends have a bit more imagination......

    Have a good weekend xxxx

  • Hi, what is making you think you are having a recurrence?

    You know, people say things like be positive to you because they don't really know what else to say. They mean well but of course they don't realise how often we have to listen to that phrase.

    You know, just because treatment is complete and you have been given the all clear, doesn't mean you are fully recovered and back to your old self, in fact I don't think any of us are ever back to that position, simp!y because we have been through so much, we are different people now if you know what I mean.

    Can you talk your concerns through with your GP or CNS? If you are having symptoms your CNS might be able to arrange a scan for you or blood test. Perhaps some counselling may be helpful to you too. They may be able to help you with how to come to terms with this disease when you have young children.

    Thinking of you. Big hugs. Ann xo

  • It's natural to feel down and especially when your children are so young. Do get some help. I can understand you not wanting antidepressants. I turned them down but was only refered to a counsellor when I asked to be. He wasn't very goo but I felt better by then as it was longer after the chemo. I hope you are not recurring just yet. Let us know what you find out.

  • Thanks everyone for your advice. I think I was just having a bad day yesterday, you know when you finally allow your consciousness to explore that dark place in your mind.

    I have been having lots of symptoms over the last few months, bloating, nausea, constipation, pain and have been convincing myself it is something other than what I really fear.

    Yesterday I let myself go there which in some ways is a relief! but so disappointing too. I was sure, like everyone else probably, that it was going to be a great outcome for me and that I would beat the bugger.

    I am having intensive mistletoe therapy in a couple of weeks and will ask for my scan to be done after that. Has anyone tried mistletoe on here? The treatment I am having is intravenous, and will induce a hyperthermia fever three times over a two week period. My onc is quite happy for me to try these things although I know she does not really approve!

    I read the peter harvey stuff and thAt was very helpful too, so thanks for the suggestion.

    It is true that we should make hay while the sun shines, but it is still difficult to look forward to the future.

    S xx

  • Hi Hectori I too have been having mistletoe therapy since end of

    July not the same ️as yours I have drops twice a day I live to far

    away from London to have what you are doing. So far my Ca125

    Has gone down from 254 to 228 now 183.

    I was on watch and wait since April due to first recurrence and

    started chemo again yesterday feel well at the moment its day

    five it kicks in .My ONC doesn't approve but stops short of saying not to do it . I send you love and hugs take care and rest when you can Lesley1944

  • I am having the intensive mistletoe therapy in Aberdeen, so quite a long way from London :-)

  • Hi there things that help me are (sorry one or two probs sound a bit mad)

    - the old cliche ' take things one day at a time' does work - eventually

    - keep your friendships gping even on days when you fel tired/dont feel like going out

    -,i had a massive declutter of my handbags and clothes and raised quite alot of funds for nice new treats by selling them on online auction site. It was also very therapeutic !

    -

    - im stating some counselling this week so will see how it goes - went to see GP and he

    Said useful to talk to someone outside your family/

    Friends sometimes

    As an aside what you are feeling is a completely normal reaction to a rubbish time. Be kind to yourself. You and your family are the only things that matter.

    Big hugs

    Fiona xx

  • You're in a bad place at the moment and you just need to give into it and not fight it. We can't be strong all the time and people are only trying to help. They just can't really understand just how bad it can be because they are not going through it themselves. That's why we have this site, and we know fellow sufferers know exactly what it's like!

    Try not to be too hard on the people around you, they don't want to lose you and are frightened and all they feel they can do is encourage you to be positive and keep fighting!

    I know exactly what you're going through. Started 2nd line chemo last Thursday and have had the week from hell! Giving in to the tears does help, it relieves the pressure we put on ourselves.

    It's come as a shock to me just how badly chemo has affected me this time, I thought I was strong and ready for it.

    Sorry if this is a bit 'heavy' and really hope you are wrong about recurrence.

    Sending you lots of love and please, please, go easy on yourself.

    Annette xxx

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