Am i going mad

Im sorry for writing this..

i dont know why i am...... I feel as though my mind is bursting..

AM I CRACKING UP

I cant think straight. I cant remember things.. All i can do is thi k a g my next check up in newcastle in three weeks... What if ........ Its bad news anx this cancer is back...will i get more trsatment...... I cant cope with this constant fear.. This constant being alert for a pain then dread of the fears and thoughts of death...... Sometimes i think dyi g now will end it all

Then its all gone

..does anyone have fears like this.

How can i stop them.

Am i loosing my mind

23 Replies

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  • Ps im sorry jist wrote the abo e in the heat of tbe moment.... Im not thinkin lf doing anythi g silly.

    Just need tips on bekng happy while fighting this .....

    disease. Thank u for all ur info and tips u have all pozted in tbe past... U r all such brave clever ladies..

    Best wishes to u all

    Shenx

  • Hi Shen,

    We are no cleverer than you...you have not been on here that long.. and you have already made a difference to me...and when I don't see your name I miss you...I am always wondering how you are love x G x :-)

  • Hi Shen,

    Have you seen Whppit's blog on nothing to do with cancer? She posted a very funny video of a talking dog....that will cheer anyone up...hope you are felling better now sending you my love and best wishes....the sun is shining today love x G x 8-) 8-)

  • Hi Shen,

    I don't think you are going mad, sometimes the worry can take over your thoughts, but I am sure you have a lot to live for,don't forget that it wasn't that long ago that you had good news and the doctors were pleased with you, you've already took the first step in unloading this by talking (or writing) about this your feelings and forgetfulness are perfectly natural responses, in a sense you are in a type of shock and grief.... but we are ( I am) here for you and understand these mixed emotions you have... and it's not madness....please try and hang on in there...a recurrence is usually pain that won't go away (for at least three weeks) it isn't a pain that comes and goes...and doesn't turn up here there and everywhere... please try and turn your thoughts on things that are good in your life (I am sure there are some) probably a lot more than what you realise..and keep talking...don't build it up...people need you as much as you need them....thinking and praying for you love x G x :-) :-) :-)

    (smiley faces to cheer you up )

  • Hi Shen. It's natural to feel like this at first, I got totally freaked out about two weeks after I finished my treatment, by a bit of a weight loss. Type 'staying positive' in the search box at the top of the page and read some ideas that may help. Focus on small things that you enjoy and really try to concentrate on them. Try to find three things that make you smile..........by coffee time each day. I know it sounds mad but it re-trains your thoughts and becomes a habit over time. Or just come on here and ask for some reassurance, just like you have done. Well done for that. You're among friends who will support you

    Love Wendy xx

  • Hi Shen!

    Of course you are not going mad! We all go through these kinds of feelings from time to time. When I was first told this was not curable I sat in Cafe Rouge in York and wept very publicly (and I do not cry easily). There are no magic spells, we all learn to live with this in our own way. I find facing the demons full on helps me. I also maintain that I have cancer but I have not become it! I am still me! Loud, pushy, self opinionated and a control freak!

    I have been on a couple of days run by Target Ovarian Cancer which helped a lot and I met a lot of other women living with this. I also attended on a Look Good, Feel Better day run by my local cancer care group. You may find your own cancer centre has similar things going on! I know that Leeds, where I have my chemo, has a lot of alternative therapies on offer and a lot of support so maybe your cancer centre does too!

    Finally just sounding off on here helps because everyone is so supportive! Hang on in there and remember that life is good and worrying too soon about the end is wasting precious time!

    Love M

  • My dear Shen

    You were having dreadful thoughts late last night. Perhaps a combination of being overtired and having few distractions to cheer you up during the dark hours of night. I'm glad you thought to post on here as that's what the site is for. Nobody can be positive all the time and sometimes we need to talk or post our thoughts on here to help get negative thoughts out of our minds.

    What about completing your profile. It's a really good way of us getting to know you and finding out how to help. I think you've been diagnosed quite recently and you've gone through that process of thought that we've all followed in finding out we have a disease that can't be cured. It's really great you've responded so well to the treatment so far. At least it can be controlled and for some lucky women that is for many many years.

    Just dealing with all this, and the treatment does affect your thought processes. I've experienced 'chemo-brain' both during the treatment and for the 9 months I've been in remission. During treatment I could be a bit vague and I often couldn't remember proper names for some reason but at least it is getting better now.

    I think you've had some good tips already and you're among friends. I certainly think it would be a good idea to book a course at a cancer centre. This will help you channel your thoughts and no doubt will help you identify triggers that herald a bad patch. You will also discover positive things to do to manage the difficult times.

    I'l add one thing - and just hope it helps you as much as it helped me. I lost my dearest friend to cancer when I was just 30 and she was 42 years old. I knew I had to be strong for her but just couldn't square it all up as it seemed so unfair. The vicar in my local church gave me such good advice. He told me that we all have an incurable illness. It's called 'life'. People with incurable diseases aren't picked on - they're just the same as everyone else. Somehow that made me feel comforted. I'm not any different just because I've got cancer.

    Not feeling different from anyone else stops me feeling sorry for myself. In reflecting on our own mortality perhaps we can be better people, better friends, better wives, mothers, daughters. I realise the diagnosis has given me time to plan and reconcile and I hope I've prepared well. Now that's all sorted out my mind is free so I can enjoy life to the full and hopefully make a meaningful contribution in my own small way whilst I'm able to do so.

    Let's hope the morning finds you in a better place.

    Sending love and hugs.

    (p.s. I love Newcastle!) xxx Annie

  • Hi Annie,

    Shen lives in Cumbria in a lovely village near Cockermouth...and not far from the sea...she goes to Newcastle hospital.....(I don't know why) just thought I would mention this...Well another sunny day today enjoy love x G x 8-) 8-) 8-)

  • What a fabulous place to live! The scenery is wonderful and the people always seem to straightforward. My grandma was born in Cumbria and worked for the Duke of Northumberland in Alnwick Castle. She never lost that lovely soft Cumbrian accent. My bucket list includes a leisurely trip up to that area to see visit the sights. Work frequently took me to Newcastle and other cities in the North and I was always frustrated that I didn't see much more than the inside of a hotel bedroom and a conference room. Hooray to all the opportunities my new life offers!!!! xx

  • Hahaha I think Annie you would be happy on the moon...hang on a minute there wouldn't be any people there!! ...no you wouldn't.. haha

    Love x G x 8-)

  • yes! ho ho! You're one very perceptive lady Gwyn. My idea of hell would be solitary confinement. No, even more hellish would to to be in a place of your own making that you don't want to be. 0:-)

  • Yep! I agree with that Haha...back to the weather sunny but cold I think...love x G x 8-)

  • btw that 0:-) is supposed to make an angel but it didn't work on the Ovacome site.

  • Hi shen

    I have tried meditation combined with very easy yoga. I find it helps. Also I think that being stressed is helping the cancer grow so I must not let that happen. I could send you the name of tape I use but plenty out there. May be able to email as for ipod . Good luck Sharon

  • Hello Shen,

    We all feel this way at sometime or another, you are not alone, we are all here for you anytime just get your feelings out then you will start to feel better.

    The best thing to do is to rant and then think of something nice to do to keep you busy, here are my words of advice that were given to me at the begining of 2009.

    "DONT GO THERE TILL YOU GET THERE"

    Hang on in there, it will pass.

    luv trish x x

  • Hello

    Sorry you're feeling worried. A trick I learned some years ago when my life suddenly took a dramatically different turn is to do all the day's worrying in a timed 15 minute slot. Go through all your worst fears and worries, do it relentlessly and don't think of anything else. At the end of the 15 mins just think of all the happy memories and times you've had - and if you slip in to worry mode, remind yourself you've aready done the day's worrying and concentrate on the feel good thoughts.

    It surprised me how soon the worrying thoughts got boring and I just wanted the happy thoughts.

    Good luck, Love Christine

  • So sorry you're having a horrible wobble, Shen. When you feel like that it is just so frightening. Try and remember the people who send in comments and have beaten the odds. It's awful living with the fear lurking there all the time - every ache or pain makes us think it must be tha Cancer. It's always worse when we get near to our next appointment, too. What does ME good is getting out and chatting to other people and hearing about their aches and pains - which are so often the same as mine - nothing to do with cancer, just getting older, done something to strain themselves, got a tummy ache etc.

    As for not being able to remember things - stress is really bad for affecting your memory. Sometimes, if I've had a bad day and done something silly, lost things or forgotten things, I've caught myself thinking, "maybe it'll be a good thing if I die - at least I won't get old and senile". That's not ME at all and I'm shocked and ashamed to think like that, later - and it always passes and I feel better. Do you have an Onco cancer nurse to help you find some counselling? As kefi, above says, think of something nice to keep you busy. Does your library run free Computer Courses, maybe? That could keep you occupied maybe. I used to come home and quickly teach my husband what I'd learned, which helped him too. ...... not a lot as I'd often forgotten something crucial. Maybe get a book from the Library that you could work through to help with different aspects of computing. Anything, really Shen, to keep your mind occupied.

    Take care, sending loveand lots of positive vibes - go out and get some new makeup, as you mentioned to me before, Solange x

  • I feel like you, the constant dark thoughts and fear its so hard to enjoy life again. I have found walking with my husband for miles, when i feel well enough is a wonderful help, we walk and talk!! I know not everyone can do this, but for me it has saved me. Im also doing the race for life... walking not running!! I hope to get back to running very soon. Good luck to you, my thoughts are with you. X

  • Hi Shen

    I agree with Ricky about getting out in the fresh air. I've had really dark days and

    felt like I was going mad and the way round it for me is to pack a sandwich in my

    bag and walk down to the sea, find somewhere to sit and just take in the scenery.

    I might only stay there long enough to eat my lunch and then walk home...... then

    later on in the day off I go again when I feel the black cloud hanging over my

    head. I went through a few weeks when I couldn't stand being in the house....I'm

    sure my neighbours must have been saying .. there she goes again...Try taking

    your dog out for long walks if your on your own. As for the memory thing...i'm still

    struggling with mine...can't remember things I did yesterday or peoples names.

    I'm told it will improve in time.

    I have my first 12weekly appointment a week on monday and I am already

    dreading it .. think we all feel the same so your not on your own.

    Hang on in there, sending you lots of hugs

    Angie xx

  • Good Luck for a week on Monday, Angie. Let us know how you get on.

    Best wishes, Solange

  • Thanks Solange,......... will keep you posted on my appointment.

  • hi! shen I think we all feel periodically exactly as you do.there are good days and bad days and we just have to try and live our lives as normal as possible under the circumstances.the nights for me are always the hardest but i try and focus on happy thoughts or listen to my i pod to distract myself from negative worries.I am joining this week a"choir for life" anew choir formed for cancer sufferers and those in remission and that has given me something to look forward too.Keeping yourself occupied with friends and doing something you enjoy lifts your spirits.we are all walking the same road and you are never on your own, we are here to listen to you and support you,xx

  • Hi everyone im so grateful for all ur words of support..its so hard to get backeOn the positive track... These negative thoughts cloud everything...its like a bad dream u want to waken up from... But it has helped reading all ur comments .. Knowing that my mind isnt preparing me for bad news... And also how u deal with thoughts like this...i have thought of night classes

    but.. Then thought if i get ill again i wont be able to finish them..

    I know i have to try and shake of these thoughts

    But my oncologist said dont plan to far ahead.. And when i think of that.

    The fear the sick feelings cum rushing back.

    With ur words going ova in my head im gonna try.. Ur a wonderful group of ladies

    Thank luv to u all

    Shenx

    P.s

    gwen right live near cockermouth were the floods were a couple of years ago...and because i was sent to newcastle for my op..i continued my treatment there.. Thanks everyone xx

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