Hi, I'm new here, searched my question online but didn't really come up with any answers so thought I'd try here. I've been diagnosed since I was a teenager (early 20s now) and have always formed attachments to certain people. Upon closer thought, I've realised these people have all been in my life at a time I've needed them, eg. a friendly co-worker at a new job, someone who has helped me out through stress etc. Just started a new job and lo and behold it's happened again, wondered if this happened to anyone else and how they deal with it as I'm tired of it ending in one sided friendships and leaving me feeling bad and like I'm bugging them!
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kate24601
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It's difficult to comment as I don't know how these people react to you. Most of us form attachments to people who fill some sort of purpose or gap in our lives. Much as we like to think of these things as unconditional, there are all sorts of conditions involved.
Is it that you think you come across as too needy? That it's all give on their side and all take on yours? Perhaps it would make sense to make sure you give your friends enough space. And to cultivate multiple friendships so that you aren't so reliant on one other person.
Also, offer to help your friends with things they might need from you, without of course forcing yourself on them. That might make you feel better and the friendship less one sided. There are going to be situations where you need your friends' help, and making sure that they know you are there for them also is good. It can feel good to feel needed!
Thank you for the response, you gave a lot of great points I've enjoyed mulling over!
I feel the attachment I form with them is unhealthy as it feels almost like idolising them, wanting to be around them all the time and making them want to like me, almost like having a childhood best friend but as an adult because I feel like I'm missing that (despite having a husband).
Most of the people are or have been co-workers, which I guess makes sense as they're the people I'm around most of the day so I want the bond to be really good, and also because work is a place I feel a lot of anxiety due to my health and being out of my house and so forth, so having someone there who makes me feel safe is a huge weight off my mind while I'm actually working.
That's perfectly natural, wanting good relationships with people you are working with. But it sounds as though you could have low self esteem. It's normal to want to be liked, and most of us try to please people. But putting so much effort into wanting to be liked suggests that you assume people won't like you for yourself. I'm sure that isn't true!
It could be worth your while doing a self esteem course, or at least getting a book about how to bolster your self esteem. There is one in the Overcoming range of self help books, I think, but whatever one works best for you!
I know how difficult it is being out of the house. I'm agoraphobic and the OCD is usually at its worst when I'm out of the house. So I know where you're coming from, and think you deserve a lot of credit for holding down a job. It must take a lot of courage for you to go out day after day.
I wouldn't say it's putting so much effort into being liked, I just don't want to give them any reason to dislike me! I spend a lot of time on my own and so my mouth tends to run away with me when I'm around people, and I know a lot of people just want to get on with their job without being yammered at constantly haha, as well as not liking the kind of things I talk about!
I definitely look into self esteem, I feel that if I think too highly of myself, I'll have a mighty fall and look stupid in front of people but I know it's a big thing I need to overcome!
It's easy to talk a lot whenever you get the opportunity, if opportunities don't come up that often. I've done it myself. But it's possible to get along with people in companionable near-silence. In fact one of the indications of a good relationship is being able not to talk constantly.
Remember that self esteem isn't about thinking too highly of yourself. It's simply about knowing that you're a worthwhile person and shouldn't have to put up with bad treatment from anyone else, and shouldn't have to feel constantly that you don't belong or fit in. It's not about boasting or thinking you're better than other people, it's simply about knowing that you're as good as them.
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